@krys1 Reality is we are all needy. We need human connection, touch and affection. This is a site that allows us to pursue those needs in a safe and appropriate way. Good luck to you.
@SnuggleSeason yes, that was well put.
@Btown 💯
@Btown thank you. So far, I am pleasantly surprised.
To answer your actual question aside from my initial cutesy remark though... For me personally, I struggle to make friends in person because I'm shy and one on one conversation is difficult for me. I grew up very isolated and as a result, my social skills were super underdeveloped. I've worked very hard the past five years to improve them and to gain confidence complimenting strangers in the street and having voice calls with new friends, but it has yet to translate to the ability to make friends in person.
What I notice with people in my life is they tend to have "lifelong" friends who they made as kids or in their teens, but they may not necessarily talk to them frequently, yet they're "always there" in the background...and then they have transient friends who are in their life for a time, who they talk to frequently, but burn out, eventually. It seems hard for everyone I know to make new, lasting friendships.
~ Sunset Snuggles
@SunsetSnuggles yes, that's it exactly. I have a few, lifelong friends. I value them highly, but they are busy with life. As I have been myself. But with divorce, I sort of fell off the ride. So, time to make more friends. But it feels a bit like I have forgotten how.
@krys1" But I do think it's easy to be afraid of looking needy, as if people needing others isn't what keeps society from falling to bits."
Yes I agree with that too
Common interests is the key. It can be boating, yoga, dog parks, kink, volunteering at a shelter, movies, but to me, whatever it is needs to be a lifelong endeavor. Passionate people create friends naturally and people enjoy being around passionate people who are goal oriented. The next thing is genuine love for those people who share your passion.
@SnuggleSeason I agree regarding common interests. But when I think about my lifelong friendships, which are few but precious, we don't really have many common interests anymore. But we have history.
Common interest can be overrated …before my best friend came into my life several years ago I was very shy / very much a homebody / not outspoken at all / so much into my comfort zone & in my shell … yes I’m still those things but not even nearly as much! And I’ve found so much interest in other things & just simply have gotten introduced to more of what this world has to offer.
I don't know. I think thinking why grown ups can't make friends is the reason why grown ups can't make friends, but I could be making that up. I make friends pretty easily because I'm just myself and am vulberable to literally anyone I meet regradless of differences. I know there's this stupid, "levels," of friendships, but in reality, all it takes to create a deep connection is sharing who you are in a single conversation. 99.9% of the time the other person will, too, because most people (in my opinion), sit in quiet desperation about who they are. Again, I could be making that up, but it's just my experience. Not having a fear of value judgment and rejection also helps.
@saysoh yes, I can see that maybe expectation is the problem. Putting myself out there by creating this chat conversation in an anonymous world was scary enough for me that I almost didn't do it.... How much more initiating a deep conversation with an actual person in my life.
Putting myself out there by creating this chat conversation in an anonymous world was scary enough for me that I almost didn't do it @krys1
The fact that you have your pic public while being so new is a really huge step! Notice how most of us don’t (& we’ve been here forever.
Edit : I just noticed most on this specific thread actually do 😅😂 but overall & in the rest of the forums we don’t.
@cuddles_ndreams divorce is making me brave!
: )
I think you nailed it in your post. As we grow older we typically know who we are and we tend to gravitate towards people of shared interests. I used to be that way as well. Then I adapted the kid mentality as you mentioned. I would suggest searching for not shared interests but just positive energy. A person can have different sexual preferences, hobbies, political and religious beliefs, and so forth if they give good energy then those differences can be shared without fighting and such. I started doing it and have made so many new friends. I would strongly suggest to anyone that feels they need a friend to take this approach.
I would suggest searching for not shared interests but just positive energy. @cuddler5617
💯
I think as we get older there are more and more wavelengths we might be attuned to at any given moment. If we meet someone on the same frequency it's much easier to connect.
However, when one or the other happens to shift and taps into a differing wave, if it's one we can't synchronize or harmonize with, then we drift apart.
Kids just aren't as vibey as adults are... Their relations can be quick one offs or can thrive in static and uncertainty, because they aren't troubled by the depth of permanence and non-permanence outside their immediate circles yet.
That all begins to change once they start to understand loss. How we learn to navigate that is partly what helps us later to jump from wave to wave.
I myself have a small number of waves I can ride comfortably, so meeting people and maintaining friendships is a bit more of challenge than for some others I've come across. I think those are the ones who have likely learned and retained some decent skills around resiliency along the way. They're also likely to be good at staying in the moment (a skill kids are great at that can get lost with age)...
Simply stated, adults are far more complex than children. It is not realistic to consider that it could possibly be as easy to make and keep casual friendships as an adult.
Oh, honey, I struggled to make friends before I was a grownup. Lol.
@SnuggleSeason I like how you threw kink into your last message. And your posts in general.
As kids you couldn’t wait for friends to visit and as an adult you can’t wait for them to leave.
@cuddler5617 good points. On my profile, I indicated that I am open to cuddling women. Really, though, I'm open to cuddling anyone so long as the situation is completely free of romantic possibilities. I am not in a place where I can be vulnerable romantically, but saying I am only open to cuddling women is not accurate.
@krys1 that is awesome. Being open to cuddle everyone is a great start. Wish you the very best of luck. If ever in the ATL area let me know.
More than complicate, I think it's that we value our time more. As I'm older I have changed the kind of friends I keep, as I need people who are as supportive as I am, make my life better, and honestly care about me.
The first thing that comes to my mind is lack of opportunity. When you're a kid, you have the common experience of school to connect you. As an adult, that becomes work, but work friendships often end if one person or the other leaves the job. If you are an introvert, you're not going to be comfortable joining clubs, etc. and you may not even live in an area where that is an option.
I tend to make surface (acquaintance) friendships very easily. But, when it comes to close friendships age has taught me less is more. I find most people to be exhausting to deal with. I think the word friend is an over used word like love. We say it so much, the meaning of it is lost. For me a friend is someone that I can trust, depend on and who knows me well enough to know not to take it personal when I go radio silent. Still to this day, tho. When I cross paths with someone that the friendship click happens with and my gut knows this person is going to be a part of my life, it's usually not based off of shared interests. It's based solely on how our sense of humours mesh. Laughter is and has always been the greatest connector for me.
Expectations are not as much as a kid when making connections. As adults with life experiences, as “friends” expectations are more deeper, trust is harder to build and easier to break based on each one’s life experiences. Like @SCityCuddler rightly pointed out shared interests maybe temporary but connection built on trust and truly enjoying each other’s company with humor and care.
@blisscuddles I agree 100% with you. Life is always changing and that change effects our friendships. But, care and humour is always present with a "true" friend.
It seems to me that -- in a certain sense -- children are "forced" to make friends. Consider the following-- When you're in school, you spend multiple hours per day, 5 days a week, for months on end with the same people. You HAVE TO interact with the same group of people during all that time.
Now some may say, "Well, isn't having a job the same sort of thing?" To an extent, yes--which is why a lot of our friends as adults come from work. But some people work from home (or other semi-solitary places), and some work in environments where coworkers come and go like leaves or seasonal flowers. And furthermore, some people draw a sharp division between their work life and their "personal life" (which includes their friends). So it is more difficult to form the bonds that lead to friendship.
I do not claim that this is the entire answer, but I believe that it is a significant chunk of the answer.