I am dealing with anxiety that stems from my procrastination. There are so many things I want to do and learn, but I am not putting my time and effort into them.
@Hellena love this post! ♥️, Moments in my life I’m very happy & grateful & I share it here, moments in my life I feel down / sad / or whatever the case may be & I also try to share that side of myself … depending who the reader (or the audience is) they may discourage you from sharing these sides, or they may privately confide & relate with you and share a bit of themselves … right now Im headed to meet for my little brothers college graduation celebration , I am in cloud 9 right now , I am so proud of him , such an amazing soul love him with all my being 🌌
This is a post that if surgery references bother you or if you are just in a sad/not good place, maybe you should reconsider reading. Cat videos are a really good alternative. There’s also a really great video on YouTube. Just Google “baby monkey riding on pig”
Honestly, I’m tired.
The last 2 years have been a bit much. Hashimoto’s (autoimmune thyroid condition) had caused swelling of my thyroid to the point I couldn’t swallow most food, my jaw dislocated and had to be replaced surgically (med ER couldn’t put it back in), it reached the point that I was sleeping around 16 hours a day when I wasn’t working. Had just gotten that under control slightly and was improving to 10 hours sleep a day before having to get total reconstruction of upper and lower jaw to correct the angle and grow sufficient bone to secure my lower jaw to my upper jaw.
The first week post surgery was the worst- barely slept for more than 30-90 minutes at a time before I woke up suffocating- they fully sectioned the upper jaw into four pieces and that goes all the way into your sinuses. When you “surgery” something healing involves lots of… let’s just say stuff so nobody gets nauseous… and so I would have to clear a way to breathe pretty frequently because of the stuff in my nostrils.
Imagine waking up in a panic because you can’t breathe and then you still can’t breathe and you have to stay calm and solve the breathing then do that process repeatedly and roughly hourly for about 6 or 7 days round the clock. I ended up pretty cranky.
The sinus issue also resulted in me nearly going septic and having to Uber myself to an ED to get IV rocephin all while communicating by typing into my phone and then handing it to people because at that time my mouth was still wired completely shut.
Have also been trying to process the muscle spasms which have involved 2 rounds of expensive Botox Injections into the belly of the muscles- which the worst part is how much it burns and the second worst part is that it takes months to fully work and address the spasms. Surgery was December 23 2021 and I still can’t smile in a way that looks natural to me.
Suffice it to say that has all left me feeling tired, lonely, and moody. I became resentful of people that could do things that were major challenges for me- breathe, talk, chew, swallow.
My general reaction is to shy away from contact because if I don’t have something to contribute I prefer not to bring someone else down. Cable news has that covered.
This was on top of the depression and anxiety issues I have had since a very young age. 12 years old was the first serious suicide contemplation where I sat with a 22 rifle for about 20 minutes before putting it back. It also revealed that I think at least some portion of gun suicides are actually accidental- the grip and trigger are all the wrong direction and any loss of grip has a very high chance of you squeezing the trigger by accident.
All in all I think I have handled things as well as can be expected and do see a fair amount of positives in this. Dealing with my own emotional challenges helps me be more understanding with others. I have been able to have a few wonderful actions with patients because of my availing to relate to their depressed minds and the ways that it skews your feelings and perceptions.
The worst surgery is over, the second surgery is minor and typically only has a couple days down time. After that I will have the textbook perfect jaw and teeth.
I have been able to practice a lot of what I preach- I spend time getting sunlight and doing different styles of breathing (since I can actually breathe again), I am still able to work, and I am still able to be there for others in a way that can positively impact their lives (going off what I have gotten in volunteered feedback from others as my opinion isn’t actually a metric for someone else’s life). I am somewhat less angry and resentful of others because their various body parts work.
When you have had several, “I almost died,” moments in your life, I think it shifts your opinions a bit. You are a little more mellow, a little less concerned about some things and maybe a little more interested in what another’s perception of their existence is.
When you really think about it- whatever that other person’s thoughts are, their feelings are, or whatever poetry their faith or agnosticism or atheism brings into their lives there is really only one solid thing that can be known.
That person- and everyone they know and love- will eventually transition to stillness and pass away. Remembering this the most natural response would seem to be compassion- to the best we can manage at the particular moment.
This compassion should also extend to ourselves and engaging in forgiveness towards the self as we seek to forgive others. You can’t let go of an angry or hurt part of you if you are busy judging it. The honest brutality of existence seems to be largely letting go the habit of self-flagellation.
(Read The Four Agreements. It’s a good book for this)
Perhaps the recognition of that and forgiving ourselves for those moments is something worth investing in. One way to limit that cycle is to interrupt it with restful things- sleep, hugs, puppies, honest conversation, sometimes chocolate, or a steak. Few things are as liberating as offering a heartfelt apology. Not easy, mind you, but liberating.
There is strength and solace in vulnerability with genuinely present people. I hope you find some of that for yourself as it has been of immeasurable comfort to me.
So that is what I have been working on. Rehab for my jaw and face, trying not to be so angry about things, trying to be mindful of what my moods and actions put into others’ space, working on waking up in the morning and being baseline functional and then going from there.
Sorry for the long and rambling post but I’m just a little too tired to edit right now so it was sort of stream of consciousness. Thank you for the space to speak and be heard. My DMs are open to all should you need to do the same.
All the love- Rusty
.
I do my best to work through anxiety, depression, imposter syndrome, PTSD, and chronic pain from nerve damage on a daily basis.
It is always a task, and my reward for each day of winning is that I get another day.
That said, I try to remember that in 100 years very little of all of this will matter, and in 1,000 years almost none of it will, and in 10,000 years absolutely none of it will.
And so, why not be kind, and patient, and tolerant of everyone's human condition today?
Anyone who makes it through the day without harming someone else, or harming themselves, are my brothers and sisters.
Those who manage that, AND manage to be positive, supportive, or creative are my heroes.
@Spud424 posted:"I know I have a lot of love to give…I just don’t know where to put it" I have felt this way, in the past. I look forward to getting to know you more, in PM! 🤗
@FunCartel posted: "you could say the same thing off line but in real life you might be adding the wink and a smile to it and a different meaning is born out of body language and gestures." This is why I make heavy use of smilies, they are the body language of the internet. 😁
@quixotic_life That image is such a reality. In person, I respond with a chipper, "I'm good, how are you?" before I even process what I'm saying. I have to prep myself to answer truthfully at the doctor's, and sometimes I still "mess up". It's one of the few places I can let my anxiety show in public. I've spent decades honing the ability to hide it.
@sunnysideup You are so awesome, it's crushing to hear you're feeling that way. Huge hugs, I'm always here.
@dungeondrummer Thank you for sharing all of that! It sounds like you're very self-aware and do a great job of noticing the good things in life, even while going through a very stressful period. Keep doing what you're doing. Thank you for being a thoughtful parent.
@SCityCuddler You are so worthy of celebrating, though I understand dreading birthdays. If you tell me when yours is, I will buy myself a vegan cupcake in your honor. You rock. 😊
@RustyTheNurse You are a treasure. Unbelievable what you're going through, you're doing an amazing job processing it!
@GoodRightHook I'm dealing with a lot of the same. Long warm snuggles from afar, my friend.
~ Sunset Snuggles
Having been unexpectedly laid off after almost 22 years, I would say I am feeling angry, anxiety-ridden and a little lost. I long ago gave up on the idea I am going to have another romantic relationship, so that is way down on my list of worries right now. I manage okay when my daughter is here, not so much when she's not.
My husband annoys me for many reasons - I wish he knew how or would learn how to do things like fix the wifi for example - when his superhero shows won't play, I'm the one who has to swoop in and save the day, and unplug and replug everything, my disabled adult child consumes my life - and paperwork, paperwork, paperwork - trying to get SSI for her right now, my needy anxious elderly mother always has a crisis she needs me to help with, my other adult daughter just quit college, got fired, but got hired for something better a real full-time grown-up job she's starting at the end of the month and I'm so glad because she's always here and I love her but it's driving me crazy and I just wish she'd move in with her bf and that's terrible, isn't it? Lol
I'm ready for and WANT the empty nest I'm probably never going to have and a lot of the time I fantasize about catching a one way bus or plane somewhere. I'm just glad I'm going to reach 50 in September and no one has made me a grandma yet. I'm still changing (adult) diapers.
That's my "real"!
The way that I present myself here is pretty authentic. I tend to reveal the most to people I've come to trust, and that is the same both online and off.
I do experience moments of doubt, but they don't define me, so I don't always share them.
One difference for me that exists between a forum and live interaction, is the fact that while online, I can share a complete picture of what I'm trying to express without having it clipped by interruptions. In large groups, I can sometimes feel a small level of anxiety, which can make me want to move to the edges of the group.
@Moxytocin i wish I can be as vulnerable as you 🌌 Ty for sharing.
@Spud424 I don’t know if you were intentionally quoting this movie, but it reminds me of what William H Macy says at the end of the movie Magnolia:
I felt for him when I saw the movie – I felt the exact same thing for myself at the time! – and I feel for you now as you say it. I’m sure you do have love to give, and I hope you find a place to put it.
Yes I was quoting “Magnolia” - one of my favorite movies of all time - and I do sometimes feel like Quiz Kid Donnie Smith. But much of the time I feel more like Marty
@cuddles_ndream I don't usually share but this seems like the thread for it. Dooo ittttt! If you want to.
@Moxytocin I'm glad no one has made you a grandma at 49 either. And I feel for you.
@achetocuddle I totally left out my married son who's turning 30. I will be excited, I'm sure, if they do procreate, and I believe they do want to, but absolutely NO pressure from me! Lol
Honestly? I feel a little angry today. Going through a relationship challenge that started off as something minor. And I’ve gotten to the point where I’m feeling like I don’t deserve to be treated this way.
@SunsetSnuggles Emojis cannot compensate or begin to emulate all the nuances of communication found in just the kinesics and proxemics of live communication. This is one of the myriad reasons why fights break out on line from misconstrued written meanings. That smiling emoji? It’s taunting me!
@FunCartel But they help tremendously. Just like capitalization. "The difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse." 😝
@RustyTheNurse Your posts are so intelligent and eloquent. Even your stream-of-consciousness is great. I look forward to the day when you might be able to post that life showed compassion and you are having an easier time. Keep showing everyone how it's done.
This post is not nice. It's bent.
Thanks folks, I'm here every night.
The person who used that crooked piece of wood for fence post was hard up. I like this pic. It's scenic. And @MCcuddles2 sure can be amusing.
@achetocuddle posted: "The person who used that crooked piece of wood for fence post was hard up." Oh my dear, come visit Wyoming, it's all craptacular like that, bahaha! No beautiful white-fenced Kentucky pastures, here!
I have passed thru Wyoming. It can be desolate for sure.
I try to remain positive and optimistic. I carry a lot inside and for the most part chose to keep my hurt, damage and emotional scars hidden.
It makes most people very uncomfortable and stressed when they see/hear that kind of pain. I am used to it.
I have also found in the past those that professed to love and care for me in a relationship just used me for what I could provide. Sex, financial security, ect it was never love or companionship.
I always strive to be the kinder, more compassionate one and hate to burden others with what I carry.
The few individuals I have shared with, the kindest thing they have ever done is just sit quietly and let me draw my comfort from thier accepting non judgemental selves. To simply hold space for someone is a special kind of compassion.
Like a duck, everything looks fine and smooth on the surface, but I'm working like mad where you can't see hoping nothing unseen will take me under.
@achetocuddle That is the word for it! Thankfully, we live in the northwestern part that has mountains and trees and wildlife, and isn't just depressing prairie! Yeek!
@KYtransplant So well expressed as usual. I relate to a lot of what you said.
OP, if you think the threads and the comments in them are overly nice or positive or optimistic, then I would humbly suggest you have not been around the forums for very long. Stick around, you may get more real feelings than you bargained for. There is also a high degree of authenticity and vulnerability. Spend some time reading old forum posts, it’s all there . . . except for the stuff that got moved to a cave because it was too toxic.
"Tell me what do you really feel. Angry? Sad? Scared or lonely?"
Yes all of the above.
Angry: I never use to be an angry person, most of the little stuff just rolled off my back cause I didn't really care. But the big stuff... I've been finding lately that I some times over react to things that don't really matter and the thing is it's not even really what I'm angry about, just the build up to other things that I can't really deal with has to be let out some where and then the anger gets misdirected.
Sad: ALL THE DAMN TIME!!! I don't know if I can really call it depression because depression is a feeling of sadness even when you have no reason to feel that way. I'm in constant physical pain all the time, I have a reason to to feel sad, it's certainly not pleasant to be in constant physical pain. It's hard to tell if I have Depression because I don't think I've ever really experienced a reason to feel happy.
Scared: Yup, scared for myself, scared for others, I do my best to keep myself safe, it's literally what I was created to do, but I can't control what other people do.
Lonely: Well I joined a web site for platonic cuddling because I've pretty much given up on dating so what does that tell you?
"It feels better. Even if you feel like crap."
That seems like a contradiction, I know what you meant but there's gotta be a better way to phrase that.
The way I present myself online is a 'louder' version of how I am in person. In person, I'm quite shy and generally a softer-spoken individual, rarely coming out of my 'shell' unless I feel comfortable in my social surroundings. I honestly try to be the most caring, empathetic, and generous person I can be, and strangely enough, I find it easier to be vulnerable online. It feels like there is less chance of being hurt. The downside is, it also feels like less of a connection with others, as it feels like there's less of others' emotions accurately conveyed by text. I think that was one of the things that attracted me to CC, being able to physically spend time with someone in a state of mutual vulnerability and acceptance.
But overall, I fight daily not to be overwhelmed by depression, anxiety, and trauma. I see the world around me, and in the news, and it saddens me. I also feel stress over things that happen in other parts of the world. I push back against the negativity by trying to promote positive thoughts and feelings in those around me, and wherever I can. Sometimes it's hard to remember to 'do good' ('cos I'm human, after all), but I have a tendency to feel better about my self when I do. Overall, I feel blessed that I haven't given up, that I've found the strength to seek help when I needed it, and that I can still see enough beauty in the world, that I still believe I can make a difference... even if it's just for a few people.
I'm also grateful for these forums, with all of you in them. I've been able to express myself more, here, than I've been able to do anywhere else online. I'm pretty sure that If I'd posted to FB (which I tend to avoid) what I post here, I'd expect to be met with "Bruh! Overshare much?" LOL. So, Thank you!...
@speadjoy I can relate:( For me work gets in the way from doing the things that I want. Because when I’m off of work I’m too tired.