@cuddle4health You can PM a mod his info to make a report even if you can't access his profile to click the Report button, directly. So sorry this happened to you!
~ Sunset Snuggles
@cuddle4health ~ you can direct message a mod to file a report... Either @reurbo , @Babichev or @Sideon could help you in this matter.
Sure and then he'll just make a new profile. I'm pretty sure the one he had was a new one that's why he wanted Karma. I've met many boundary pushers with tons of nice karmas, but this boundary pushers was more than a pusher, he was coercing me according to the link about consent... so... sorry if I don't believe in the system.
@cuddle4health - We mods start with a reported profile and go from there. If they have more than one profile, we find out very quickly. [-Sid]
If you make a report with the mods, be sure to include all the facts so the mods can do their best. I can understand telling the guy you weren't sure about the session to just get him off your phone or whatever. If you aren't sure, of course the mods here or the system here or any system anywhere will have trouble helping you.
There is no system that can keep every word parser or smooth talker off this site, of course. You may want or have to take a different tack to protect yourself from here on out. Perhaps edit your profile to reflect the no nonsense person you want people to know that you are.
I have no way to know if you are a soft-hearted person that unduly worries about hurting people's feelings, but a cuddle is not the place to think about that. I suggest to anyone having troubles to tell guys you are not there to listen to their psychobabble and you do not consent. If necessary, a knee to the groin or a stomp on their toes will send a strong message and perhaps give you an opportunity to get away if they are physically restraining you. I sure hope this helps someone.
If the guy definitely understood he did not have consent perhaps he won't be back cause he could be afraid of repercussions. We can only hope so and continue to be alert.
Thanks @achetocuddle I'll keep that in mind. I was assertive in my words to him, I did not mumble or whisper. And I was caught off guard. My anger didn't kick in until processing the situation afterwards. I was not sure of how I felt right after, but normally in all my cuddles I know how I feel during and after, this one however. Confused me because I was trying to enjoy it, I was attracted to him, Ienjoyed some of it just not the part that was past my boundaries. I am being honest with you all. I even said it the text that I don't completely blame him because I knew I was not reacting angry but I was stating my boundaries, and I did not kick him but I did move him away. "We can only hope so and continue to stay alert". Yes that is true. That's all we can do. Yes I've had so many trust worthy respectful cuddles for so long that this caught me off guard. I know myself. I am self aware. I know how to speak up and I shouldn't have to yell or kick. I should be able to trust that if I say stop that he would stop that right away. TO BE CLEAR, YES I SHOULD HAVE KICKED HIM, BUT NO I SHOULD NOT "HAVE TO" KICK HIM for him to know that no means no. I did not say maybe. I said this is fine but no that is not fine. This is my boundary. This is what I'm comfortable with but not that. I did expect some victim blaming. I am victim blaming myself enough, thank you, but just want others out there to know that HE IS WRONG. WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO RESPECT EACHOTHER. I should be able to wear a dress and not get assaulted. Strippers should be able to dance naked and not get scooped, prostitutes can ("when legal" like at the bunny ranch, not here of coarse) sell sex and say when they want to stop or how far they want to go. THIS IS MY BODY! NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO MY BODY.
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Sorry you had to deal with that. I had a different profile that I deleted and stopped cuddling for a while because I had a bad encounter with a female. The first cuddle session was pretty good, we just held each other on the couch and talked. The second time she wanted to go to the bed. So we did. I'll spare the details, but she kept being inappropriate. I will agree with the Op, it feels good, and sometimes your actions and words aren't congruent with each other. But I was able to get out of the session without crossing any of my boundaries. She kept trying to cuddle again, not sure if she thought the next time would go farther. But it was the second time a lady made moves on me when it was supposed to be just cuddling. So I deleted my account. But now, I dunno, still feeling kinda lonely, so remade my account. Still haven't found anyone to cuddle with though.
I always get a hotel suite when I host so that there is the option of a couch and not just the bed. Cuddling should just be relaxing comfort and nurturing.
@peacefulcuddler Thank you so much for sharing a man's perspective on having boundaries pushed. This isn't something I've seen talked about on here often, and I think it's super important that we know it happens across all genders. So sorry she kept pushing your boundaries and good on you for not going further!! I'm glad you came back; please stick around for the good peeps!
The only reason men have balls is to give women a place to kick when they try something inappropriate.
If people do not report members who misbehave, then they are free to turn around and do it again to someone else. Perhaps this guy has already done this with other women who also did not report him. Even when a person isn’t banned for one reason or another, there is still a record of the report so if there is another report against them they are definitely gone.
As for them making a new profile, we’re pretty good at catching people doing that.
There’s no perfect system. We depend on everyone to help keep the community safe. You can be a part of that by reporting them. It’s one way to take your power back.
@Babichev I agree. The manner of ease that he asked for karma , and the dopey confusion of his reaction to the texts, seems as though he has done this before and it was met without confrontation.
Sending inappropriate messages is not the same thing but at times, when investigating a complaint about a guy who sent a blatant, obnoxious, possibly disgusting message, often they’ve sent it to a dozen women before someone finally reported them.
Reported.
I'm going to throw a curve ball in here . . . lol
What if the issue is verbal comments? A cuddle client telling you that you are "sexy" or talking at length about sensual cuddling? Should you say "this conversation is not comfortable for me?"
And what about ALMOST crossing the line? For example, caressing up your side until RIGHTAT the breast area? Or running a hand a little lower on the hip but NOTQUITE cupping booty? Is the thought if it makes you uncomfortable, you should say so?
FYI, truly asking this question because both of these scenarios happened to me as a pro and aren't really reportable but definitely made me uncomfortable.
@Julie33 That's definitely boundary pushing and you should let them know it's not acceptable behavior. This type of thing can be discussed in a brief boundaries chat before the cuddle begins. Verbal boundaries need to be respected, as well as the physical, and it's the spirit of the boundary that matters, so edging right up to that line isn't cool. Best of luck!
@Julie33 That all sounds pretty boundary-pushing to me. It doesn't matter if your boundary is that you're uncomfortable with someone touching your arm. If that's your boundary, that's YOUR boundary and you definitely should communicate that. Anything that makes YOU uncomfortable, yes say so. Some people don't like their face or head touched. Other people like cheek caresses and head scratches.
Also to comment on the OP, consent is 100% relevant to cuddling and the pro cuddling courses that I've seen have units specifically dedicated to teaching consent and setting and discussing boundaries. And learning about the trauma responses flight, fight, fawn, freeze and being "trauma informed". From reading some of the comments, this all would clearly be helpful for everyone to learn about, not just pros.
Verbal comments can definitely be boundary pushing even though it's not as bad as unwanted touching which is assault. Nobody should be using terms such as "sexy" on a platonic site and is a major red flag.
I second @SunsetSnuggles if it makes you uncomfortable say something and they should respect your boundary. Every person is different and some things will make one person uncomfortable and they will say something and then another person might not think much of it and not say something. This is why each cuddle is different, we are each cuddling eachother as strangers and so that is why we need to communicate how we feel, what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with. I think if he keeps calling you sexy and wanting to talk about sexual things, yes he might be hinting at wanting more, or maybe he is trying to talk about something that he's dealing with?, but you are both strangers to eachother and you do not owe him anything that is beyond platonic. If you are not comfortable with him for that conversation just say, "hey let's change the subject, let's keep this environment light and platonic."
It all boils down to this: If someone is doing something that you find uncomfortable, tell them. That’s it. Not just here, in life. This is part of life. Get good at telling people that what they are doing is making you uncomfortable. Be specific.. Practice doing it. Take a walk outside where no one is around and imagine yourself in various scenarios and practice speaking out loud saying whatever it is you want/need to say. Then when you’re in a real life situation, it will be easier. If they don’t stop, leave. Don’t apologize.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/06/15/people-pleaser-personality-psychology/
@blisscuddles thank you for adding this, I have always known that I am a people pleaser and I do struggle with this at times. It could even explain why I didn't yell and kick and why I wasnt sure of how I felt during and immediately after, because I was being nice and trying to please in the ways that I could, not by crossing my physical boundaries, but by being pleasant and even saying good night so much, having good manners with a person that just got done violating me and treating me like I'm less than human, that is how I realized I felt once I allowed myself to process the situation, because during I was being a nice, customer service oriented professional cuddler that continued the cuddle even after he had started to cross boundaries. I have come a long way as a professional making sure that I don't ignore my "inner child" in order to please someone else. It is the best way for me to speak up, i make sure to be clear and professional by saying specifically what we will and wont do, because I am self aware and know what I want and don't want. But I even said here that I understand "how hard it is to be so close and want more" I know that this comes from me being a people pleaser and wanting to be understanding and empathetic and so I put myself in a position where I make myself comfortable in order to please the other person. This is why I " was trying to enjoy the parts I was comfortable with" and why my body language didn't match my words. I feel as if I let them voice how they feel then I'm teaching them a lesson about acknowledging their feelings but then I am speaking up for my "inner child" by reiterrating boundaries. I know I don't owe so much to anyone. I should have said stop your time is up get the f out as soon as I felt uncomfortable with the boundary pushing, the first time, and I should have been rude, I should have reacted appropriately and even slammed the door behind him and texted him saying that he was a POS and that I would definitely be writing him a horrible review. That is what a professional cuddler is supposed to do in this situation. That is what I should have done to protect my inner child not only speak up for her.
P.s. I know my grammar could be better in all of these posts but this conversation is so physically and emotionally tiring. It is definitely helping me deal with happened, I am feeling better, but it is difficult because I do feel ashamed, I do blame myself for the parts where I could have yelled and kicked. I did feel worthless even though I know I'm not worthless. It's hard to keep reliving this but it's healthy, I think, to have this conversation and process it. Thanks again @blisscuddles
@Moxytocin I will make sure to join one of these pro cuddling courses, sounds like what I need, lol.
@cuddle4health hey, I just wanted to chime in with my support and solidarity. The vast majority of women in our culture are conditioned to be "nice", to be appeasing, to have great customer service skills. You're not dumb in the slightest and your grammar is fine. You come off as highly intelligent, and the right mix of assertive and compassionate. Nothing about what happened to you is your fault. Not remotely. I am so sorry that this happened.
I have experienced similar situations, and it is traumatic. It's fragmenting, to think someone sees you as a whole person and respects you, only to discover that they actually only see you as an object for gratification.
I've experienced primarily the freeze and fawn response in such scenarios, and have done a lot of work to regain my voice in those situations. It takes work. I really related to what you said about the delayed processing of the anger about it. I have had very similar experiences with how I process violation.
Feel free to PM me if you feel compelled. Maybe we can form a support group to process these kinds of things. There are so many layers.
big hugs Thank you for sharing. This is so vital for us to discuss and work on as a community, and it's also hard to talk about sometimes. You're doing the right thing here. Thank you for taking the time and energy to process with us.
@cuddle4health You are welcome. Many of us start as people pleasers and with life experiences adjust to more of our own self care too. It’s a journey, even for me. You are not alone. You are doing great in your journey.
Thank you all.. I finally had my first real cry about it. I don't like it and haven't wanted to allow myself to feel sorry for myself and cry because I should be strong, professional, assertive, and admitting I was vulnerable and taken advantage of sucks, for lack of a better word, I don't like it. But it's healthy and necessary because I am human, I am, and this was hurtful.
For some reason guys get offended when woman doesn't want to jump straight into cuddling with them and wants to take it slow. Dude, she doesn't know you from a hole in the wall. Ted Bundy was once an attractive looking young man and nobody was able to tell that he was a serial killer just by looking at him.
@Mike403 … agreed but it is the same with people in general who have bloated egos not only guys …. I’ve had plenty of women in the past (also some on CC) who felt offended if I refuse a cuddle. Or for example if I refuse a dance with someone … it is a general thing with people (not a bad one per se either) it is ok to feel it if you find someone refusing something
This thread is exhausting. I think it has been put through the wringer enough. Just my opinion.