Appropriate platonic cuddle requests (edited)

CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
edited September 2022 in General

I was curious what kind of cuddlecomfort-approved requests people make when cuddling. I know things such as touching someone’s hair or caressing their arm are common, but I wanted to know what other things people ask to get consent for. I am only interested in requests that are considered part of platonic cuddling.

Also I love the suggestion @quixotic_life made about asking their 3 favorite and least favorite things. I will def be doing that.

Original thread: (ty @ernesto_2 for pointing out my butchery of words)
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Appropriate platonic questions to ask for consent
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I am still new to cuddling and I sometimes find it very embarrassing to ask for consent for certain things while cuddling platonically. Of course everyone has their own boundaries so there isn’t a one-size-fits-all list that applies to everyone, but I was hoping to see some questions that are asked here that are platonic that I don’t need to feel embarrassed asking. I am also interested in seeing what other people ask since I don’t really know what to do anyway.

I didn’t see anything in the FAQ, but if I missed it I will consult that. And if there has already been a thread on this, I’d rather just ask again than resurrect an old one.

Comments

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    I usually ask my cuddlers if they have certain spots that are off bounds besides the major ones. After I ask that, I give them an example by saying “I don’t like my belly button being touched”. I feel that makes them comfortable enough to say their platonic boundaries to me.

  • [Deleted User]slowblink (deleted user)

    "Do you feel comfortable with X". It can be that simple.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
    edited September 2022

    @slowblink For someone with my level of anxiety, it’s definitely not that simple (for me.) Consider me extremely envious.

  • mtpmtp

    You could try agreeing in advance to each come up with one "May I...?" and one "Would you...?" request. That way questions are expected and the awkwardness is shared, making it easier to just acknowledge it and move past it.

  • [Deleted User]slowblink (deleted user)

    I can understand that. I feel like framing the question in a different way won't help your anxiety though. I get that you want to be as accommodating as possible but the more vague and convoluted you are in asking a question, the higher likelihood of annoyance and misinterpretation. Confidence can't be taught but I can promise you simple and concise questions work best.

  • CuddleWhoCuddleWho

    Over many dozens of cuddles I don’t ask for explicit consent very often, and it’s always fine. You both are there to cuddle. It’s safe to assume you are both ok with cuddling.

    That said, here are some things I do occasionally ask:

    “Can I touch your hair?” - people may not be into this, so I think it’s often worth asking.

    “Would you feel comfortable with this cuddle position?” - for a cuddle position that I like but that kind of resembles a sex position, so I want to check how she feels about it.

    “Could I hold your hands while we sit and talk for a while?” - if she’s new and seems hesitant.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
    edited September 2022

    @slowblink oh, yeah, I ask direct questions before I do anything. I was thinking more along the lines of, what platonic questions do people ask that are generally accepted as not being inappropriate. Like, “Do you mind if I touch your arm?” or something.

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    @Charlie_Bear ~ I kinda like, "The Top 3 Things" approach.

    "What are the top 3 things you like most, or most look forward to, when cuddling?"

    "What are the top 3 things you don't like, that one might not expect, when cuddling?"

  • BearBear

    Asking what areas are off limits. When I first started going to Cuddle parties we would ask for consent for any touch with a new person. Not to take anything for granted. Start out with small things.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @quixotic_life oh yeah I really like that, thank you!

  • [Deleted User]ernesto_2 (deleted user)

    Let's play a word game with your question, OP ( @Charlie_Bear)

    "Appropriate platonic questions to ask for consent"

    Are you looking for "platonic questions", or suggestions on how to ask for consent (to do something platonic)?

    Yes, I know what you meant, but if you look at your question, it already has some tips on how you can best prepare yourself (mentally) to ask questions that may be making you nervous. So....

    Don't worry as much about how platonic your question(s) appear; rather, as you're coming from a place of wanting to ensure that a cuddle is platonic and consensual, use direct and explicit questions and answers to seek or grant consent. A good first step is to practice alone in making specific statements about what things you enjoy, tolerate, or do not like. Rehearse and build the confidence so that when in a session, you know how to make specific and explicit statements for consent. This will also help you build your own confidence to ask questions, but more importantly it will help you pick up on what isnt' said just as much as what is. For example, if your cuddle partner has a vague or open-ended statement on what they are OK with, your awareness will help you pick up on that. By identifying gray areas to address, you will then be able to narrow down (if not outright define) specifics. This helps prevent misinterpretation, avoid boundary crossing (deliberate or incidental) and foster a truly platonic cuddle session.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @ernesto_2 i’m not in need of knowing how to ask for consent; that I do plenty of since I ask for consent to everything and try to make no assumptions. I am more curious about what platonic things people do while cuddling. There are plenty of positions, but what about what you do in said position? Asking to caress someone’s arm or touch their hair are things that I know, but what are other things people ask that are platonic and something you’d want to get consent for? That’s pretty much what I was getting at. Sorry if I did not convey that well enough.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    All comments above this one were in response to my original post.

  • marcustanakamarcustanaka

    The hands can either be at rest or be in motion =)

    During the initial cuddles, I often will mirror her actions using it as an indication of her level of comfort. If I have consent to touch an area, I will caress eventually; I'm a fidgeter. Sometimes it will be light strokes or heavier like a massage. It depends on the verbal/nonverbal feedback I receive.

    There should be enough rapport established that she feels free to object or express dislike and knows her boundaries will be respected without issue.

    As older males, we should be cognizant that the younger women may still be reluctant to say something so I also rely on body language. If she freezes or tenses up, there's a problem.

    To sum things up:
    1. When in doubt, ask,
    2. The bikini area is NEVER platonic.

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