Verbal sex abuse or common misunderstanding?

Comments

• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  I would not call it verbal sex abuse but it wasn’t appropriate for a first conversation with a woman you don’t know on a site dedicated to platonic cuddling . I would advise if someone says something you say or do makes them uncomfortable , listen and apologize no matter your intentions . Don’t explain it away as if they are the problem . Don’t explain how it was ok for you to say . No matter your intent you should care about the impact . She was much nicer about it than I would have been .
• Spongymarble

  January 2018

  How in the world does anyone associate cats with sex?
  This conversation was kinda creepy. She was nicer than I would have been and I'm hella nice lol I would have blocked you.
  Women use these cat ears and whiskers because it's cute...not to send sexual signals.
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  I agree @Spongymarble !!
• OzVisitor (deleted user)

  January 2018

  I'm a little confused by this post, but I surmise this is a conversation between the two of you, and you are asking if you used the wrong term or if you were simply misunderstood?

  I would suggest using the term "sex kitten" was not appropriate.

  However, I would also put to you LadyDiamond's response was simply "that sucks" in response to you saying you would be spending your money locally (to which I assume you mean she's in a different region and hence while the site is legitimate, you would not be a patron of her services) ... yet you seem to then go on about defending your choice of words and thinking she has taken offence.

  I think you've read offence into it and she was not offended. However, I certainly wouldn't have used the words you chose to use.
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  I’m thinking there was more because she didn’t correct him . Either that or he was defensive because he knew he was being innapripriate .
• Spongymarble

  January 2018

  The whole conversation seems kinda off. Maybe there's bits of it not included, I don't know. But I really thing op is inappropriate even saying cuddling is sexual. Dude, NO. it's not. I'm not going to say anything further. You were way out of line
• Love_Arcitect (deleted user)

  January 2018

  I myself would not use the term "Sex Kitten" With someone I just started talking to.
  After you have built some rapport and you know you can joke around a bit with the person
  then maybe it's acceptable. However you kind of have to know the right timing on that.

  Side note - I think talking about sex & touch should not be as taboo. However women find it unacceptable bringing it up in the early stages of talking or a relationship. Also I think platonic cuddling and sex are two completely different things. This is why some men get a bad name is because they can not differentiate the two.

  Hence why I posted this article in a previous post to show this and explain the psychological factors of skin hunger, Which is effecting more men than women because of society's outlook towards touch.
  http://upliftconnect.com/how-lack-touch-destroying-men/

  Also a YouTube link for you people that don't enjoy reading as much.. lol
  
• I_am_Polylover

  January 2018

  There is so much wrong with the op that I'm not even going to attempt to go into most of it. Others have already addressed some of it. I'll suffice it to say that it takes a true idiot to presume to speak for all men, or all women, or all anyone! He also didn't give enough options in his poll, so I chose to ignore it. I don't think this person belongs on this site, and have thus reported him.
  Jim
• Love_Arcitect (deleted user)

  January 2018 edited January 2018

  I disagree with @I_am_Polylover I think that he is here to learn & we can't teach people if we report and ban people. I guess in the fact that they can not talk or say anything. However I do not think this is the best route. I think some people just don't know better or how to approach things because society is always changing and the rules. I mean there are some baseline rules however he is trying to gain understanding of his mistake (insight on the situation) and for him to learn he has created this threat to gain insight. I do agree with @I_am_Polylover on the aspect that there was not enough options in his poll. I also choose to ignore it. Just because the wording was a little hard to decipher and really was not a yes or no answer I could come out of it with. I think the OP once he reads some of the comments he might change his perspective on the situation and come to a better understanding. However I could be wrong and if he does not wish to choose to learn from the situation and people think he could pose a harm then yeah. However I stick with my original thought and say he does not see the problem yet this might bring his actions more to the surface for his own comprehension. Anyways hope everyone is having a great day. No one was hurt during this so I would just take it as a learning experience. As not everyone understands how to talk to the opposite gender accordingly because everyone is a little different. Plus some of us are more comfortable talking about certain subjects or use more openly phrasing that could be considered uncomfortable because of its context. Some context can easily be misinterpreted depending on its intention and how the other receives it. Best advice is find phrases that could not be misinterpreted this way. Hope that was helpful. Take care.
• respectful

  January 2018 edited January 2018

  @murray Quote: "There [isn't] much distinction in a man's mind between cuddling and sex, even though cuddling is described as 'nonsexual'. To a man, cuddling is just the first stage of sexuality"

  Speaking as a man - nope. The only reason I am into platonic cuddling is because it is (by definition) non-sexual.

  I am extremely happy to have found a way to give and receive affection within a safe, pure and innocent context like this. (In saying that, I'm not saying sex is bad or wrong, just that it requires a different context). I was missing that in my life!

  When I cuddle someone platonically, I am not thinking that this is just stage one of something more. This is the thing itself: therapeutic touch, giving and receiving affection, connecting with somebody closely. And being put in a position of trust, which is amazing to me. The message I get from the woman is "I feel safe with you", which just melts me. It makes me want to protect and guard them.

  So ... can I encourage you to think about the possibility that there is more than one type of intimacy with a woman, and approaching cuddling in a non-sexual way can be all you actually need?

  Here are some "karma" comment that might help to communicate what I mean:

  @AlexBabyBoo23: "I feel so healed, so comforted, so warm. ... Alex just makes everything so easy. She is warm and lovely and kind and gentle-spirited and peaceful. I never imagined it would be possible to feel so comforted and content."

  @Tink: "I have never meet anyone like her. Amazing, caring, warm, kind and a thousand other wonderful things. Time spent with her is incredible, I am addicted. She makes me feel better about myself."

  @buffyswan: "I had forgotten I was a client and felt like a close friend ... As someone who has had cuddle buddies over the years, it was nostalgic, therapeutic, and just an amazing experience"

  @scarlette: "An Angel has fallen from heaven and now frequents among mortals. She takes heart-broken humans in her arms and restores them back through cuddling."

  @AutumnLovesYa: "After our session, I felt nourished: mind, body & soul"
• pmvines

  January 2018

  @murray what stands out to me in that exchange is you telling her "you need to understand", "not everything you take as an insult was meant that way", and "try to be a little more tolerant". While these language may seem innocent to you, the implication is that it is the fault o the person you offended, and that they are the ones who must compromise to you. If you indeed are regretful, try not telling her how she should feel about it, or that there is somehow a problem with her interpretation of it.
• Scarlette

  January 2018

  Wow... when I read this OP I thought why the heck is this guy lighting himself on fire here??? There must be some point at the end of the post that would say that this was just an example of inappropriate behavior or April Fools or something. Nope!

  @I'm with I_am_polylover and really everyone that posted on this thread. By stating, "There [isn't] much distinction in a man's mind between cuddling and sex, even though cuddling is described as 'nonsexual'. To a man, cuddling is just the first stage of sexuality", he shows his intentions for being on this site. He believes it to the point that he started this thread to prove his point.

  Per his profile, he met his girlfriend through cuddling. Perhaps he has a hard time understanding platonic. Who knows?

  I do agree with Love_Arcitect, in that sometimes people just need to be educated. I don't necessarily believe that, in this situation, that would be beneficial. Murray, openly admitted his feelings regarding platonic cuddling. Educating him would only teach him what he can and can't say in the site.

  As for the poll: So many things wrong with that question!

  To call someone "Sex Kitten" when you are in a romantic relationship is weird, but if that's your thing, have at it! To call someone "Sex Kitten" that you meet in a bar, will get you smacked and laughed it. To call someone "Sex Kitten" on a dating site will leave you lonely because no one would date you after that stupid comment. To call someone "Sex Kitten" on a platonic cuddle site is creepy, inappropriate, and in my opinion bannable.

  As for the cat ears.... I don't get it.

  To me, this guy is a perfect example of someone that should not be on this site. He clearly made his intentions known and felt strongly enough about them to take it to the forum in a poll. Does it get much clearer?
• VIPirate (deleted user)

  January 2018

  I got lost right after "sex kitten" was uttered. I don't think I've ever referred to anyone in my life as such, but definitely wouldn't during a first interaction.
• Scarlette

  January 2018

  @VIPirate... Do all women a favor and NEVER utter those words out loud! lol
• murray

  January 2018

  I am deeply chastened-- I had no idea the general opinion wd be so unanimously critical of my remarks. I have been educated about what is appropriate in our society, and will be a lot more careful about what I say. (I thought I was being harmless and good-natured). I appreciate love_arcitect's remarks in my favor. @Scarlette; I am here for healing, that is precisely what I got from my first two cuddlers, and it improved me to the extent that I was successful in getting a more rewarding girlfriend than I'd previously ever had. I suffer from depression, which is pretty much incompatible with success in human relationships. What better testimony to the value of cuddling can there be? I need a lot more of it, and am horrified that anyone wd think I shd be banned from having access to it. Be well and thanks.
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  I’m so tired of men pretending they don’t know better , they are confused and unsure . I just don’t buy it . It’s not that they don’t know it’s not ok , they don’t care because their focus is on their desires and they are hoping the woman will let them get away with it . It’s not society changing the rules it’s just women are more empowered these days to stand up for themselves . This way of talking to Women you don’t know was never ok it just thatvwhen women spike up , historically thru were told to be quiet because they were seen as less than and had less recourse to do anything about it . Nope not buying the it one bit .
• pmvines

  January 2018

  And to the OP, you are putting the burden on the offended by insinuating it is somehow their problem and some thing is wrong with them in how they are interpreting you. Apologize, move forward, change the behavior . Don't defend it. Change it.
• Morpheus

  January 2018

  She shouldn’t have been referred to as a little sex kitten. It’s very disrespectful regardless of how it was meant.
• AshleyCuddles

  January 2018

  @respectful your comment made me want to snuggle you to little pieces!

  Ok I just want to say that I agree, if I had this same conversation with him I would not have felt comfortable or wanted to pursue a cuddling relationship. But I do want to speak up for @murray because he did read all these comments and sees his error and apologized. I think people that are truly sorry and asking for help deserve another chance. There are so few people that can admit that they need this kind of healing in their lives and that it has started to change their life for the better wouldn't it just be a devastating blow to take that away from them? Please keep in mind I would not be saying this if I didn't read and believe his apology.
• Love_Arcitect (deleted user)

  January 2018

  Let me share this great video I found last night, maybe we can all learn something here. Men are here for healing and to get that we need platonic touch. Where do we get it from women. So we both need to learn to communicate better and work together so we can both get what we both want is for all of us to get alone and to heal each other and to behave respectfully to one another and to make money if that is your goal.. Anyways I thought it was a great watch.. Check it out if youre interested.
  
• Scarlette

  January 2018

  @o0ashley... Everyone is sorry when they are called out on their misbehavior. I don't believe his apology at all and here is why: He made a fundamental statement about his belief when he said " To a man, it seems that women try hard to make a somewhat FICTICIOUS distinction between affection and sex,", "You need to understand that men think and speak a little differently from women, and not everything you might take as an insult was meant that way. Try to be a little more tolerant" and " nor is there much distinction in a man's mind between cuddling and sex",

  These statements can not be misinterpreted, he was not egged on to make these statements, he was not angered or hurt or any other emotion that would cause one to just say hurtful things that you could be sorry for.

  Also, this is not a new cuddler that can plead ignorance. Per his own admission, he has been cuddling for quite sometime with multiple cuddlers. There is no way that I believe someone has not tried to education him on his misconduct prior to now.

  He also believed in conviction so much so that he posted this thread to get confirmation for his bad behavior.

  I'm not sure why anyone would believe him, especially a woman. By simple saying that women make a FICTICIOUS distinction between affection and sex makes me cringe. So unfortunate that's it's impossible for some people to know the difference.

  He also generalizes men's thinking which we all know can't be done. We have addressed that a lot recently on multiple threads.

  I'm not sure why he's still here.
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  Good video . I think the burden is on people to stop proving they can’t be trusted by pushing boundaries . It’s not on me to trust you , it’s on you proving I can trust you by showing respect and consideration and vice Versa. Trust is earned . We should start with respect automatically then show we can be trusted. I don’t think respectfulness is earned , disrespect is earned . When I deal with someone disrespectfully it’s because they earned it fully , I didn’t start there .

  I believe when you hold people to respectful standards and hold strong healthy boundaries the good ones will rise to the occasion . We need to stop setting the boundaries so low . I say this because I believe most people are capable .
• Love_Arcitect (deleted user)

  January 2018

  Well some people specially some women create too high of expectations on people to behave the way they want them to to have this ideology to match theirs and if they dont they punish them. Without offering the affection and attention the person needs, which is why they are reaching out in the first place. Some people lets say men dont know how to communicate or to differentiate their feelings as good as women so women can either choose to help or to not help like youre saying. I believe respect, honesty, trust are important. I think a group like this and threats like this are great so we can figure out how or what to do to accomplish meeting each others standards of respect and boundaries. I dont think you should ban people because you have set a bar and they dont meet it every time. Are we trying to fix the problem by creating expectations or are we making it worst, thats the real question and how do we get to common ground make everyone act the way you want...

  As far as scarlette I think she just is creating more problems then trying to resolve.. To be completely honest. Making something big out of nothing. If we cant learn to forgive and accept peoples apologize. I think its funny how everyone expects everyone to know how to behave towards them or to do this. its like being born Canadian and youre suppose to speak fluent Russian.. I mean things are taught, not every man or women knows how to act, each interaction is a dance. So if we push people away from trying to seek help, I think those people you push are going to find themselves more lost and emotionally and physically being more messed up because your basically shaming and then banishing them from group. So you have to ask yourself how can we fix these problems, not what can we say to make it bigger and worse then it is. I mean he said sex kitten omg.. its the end of the world. like come on people.. its not a fucking witch hunt. To me it seems like some of you on these threats over react just a tad... not only that I dont see anyone of yous coming up with solutions to the problems other then avoiding it by banning or getting rid of people that are seeking help from this site and people on it.
• JasonCuddles

  January 2018

  I read the very first line in the conversation and stopped because I thought it was bad enough. I can tell you if someone sent that to me as one of the first things they said I'd abandon ship immediately.
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018 edited January 2018

  I disagree but many many feel that way with boundaries people don’t like being told no . Men are perfectly capable to understand . The expectations are not too high . The man shamed himself by putting his disrespect on display publicly and I’m sure he thought more people would side with him . It’s sad that men think so little of themselves . It’s a compliment that someone believes you are capable , smart and able to understand basic respect . If you can’t start with respect and follow basic healthy boundaries then you do not deserve that persons time . It means you have some work to do on yourself first .

  The boundaries are clear here . No one is asking for people to read minds . Most of us state our bounderies with fellow cuddlers up front as well . There really is no excuse . I don’t know if he should be banned but I wouldn’t consider cuddling with him at all . When someone says that makes them uncomfortable you listen and apologize . Stop explaining it away and making excuses . Know better , do better !!

  I’m not here to be anyone’s mother and raise them . Not my job . I have children that I’m teaching these things to . Not here to raise men they should be grown and able to function with respect .

  It’s not that he said sex kitten it’s that instead of saying sorry up front he continued to defend it and tell her she needed to be more tolerant and accept men just talk like this . Nope I respect myself too much to lower the bar so far! Lowering the bar is why men think dick pics are ok . If you wouldn’t talk to your sister or mother this way then dont s peak to a woman you hardly know that way . Period ! If it’s your girl friend or a very good friend you can joke that way with , that is very different !
• Love_Arcitect (deleted user)

  January 2018

  My concision all I am going to say is. I thought this place is called cuddle comfort for a reason.. A place where you could find comfort and be understood. I find some of the people here are just out to dissect people, tell them whats wrong with them or tell everyone else in the community. Instead of trying to understand their core needs. Just because someone doesnt do it correctly, should not mean you should not help them, we should really be doing the opposite and trying to offer some type of support group like maybe a cuddle party where it can be in a environment where there is a group of people, its safe, its respectful and there can be good communication between people. I think a lot of the older generations have left our society in the state it is in now. Men were brought up a way, women are brought up a way, Women are equal which I have always looked at them as equal my whole life. Back to what I was saying is.. society has taught men to behave a certain way, So we are trying to redefine masculinity. What masculinity is in its core is to provide protection and safety. So us men need to learn more gentle respectful touch because most of us all we know is sexual touch because thats all we have ever known because thats all we can get. When we have that mindset then try to get into the platonic realm it can be overwhelming. I see no one has taken his feeling into consideration as to why he is seeking out to learn about platonic touch. I think once more men experience platonic touch they will realize they dont have a want or need for so much sexual desire and the tone of that will go down because some men dont understand their feelings and emotions or their needs and how to express them and when they do they get attacked. So how do we get men to experience this and see its effects...
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  Can’t have comfort without respect !
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  That is great , that is on men to relearn . Do the research there is no excuse in this day and age of information . Ask your friends and family , don’t expect strangers to educate you to be better behaved .
• Love_Arcitect (deleted user)

  January 2018

  You obviously fail to listen to what I was saying. I am done trying to talk to you about this. Women need to learn how to behave just as men do. You are not all as perfect as you might think you are.. So take your own advice and take responsibility for yourself and your comments. Us men might go on strike until you women can learn how to behave.
• cuddlebugTM

  January 2018

  Please go on strike ! I take responsibility for myself and my choices and they keep me safe and allow me to be around people who respect me . I don’t think I’m perfect I just respect people’s boundaries , I apologize and don’t try to gas light them into accepting my bad behavior . We all screw up , own it ! If you are given a second chance great , if not maybe you’ll do better with the next person .