Someone I met on this site suddenly disappeared (Advice?)

GibstackGibstack
in General

I made a friend on this site, one friend, over the past few months. We talked from October to around the end of November, and after that we had been talking less. Then, a few days ago, she deactivated her account, seemingly out of nowhere. I texted her a couple of days later:

"Hey, I just noticed your account was deactivated. did something bad happen, or are you just not using it? Hope things are okay and that you're doing well. :)" They have read the message, and not responded (and I sent that over a week ago now)

We never got to arrange a meeting in-person because they were very busy with work, but she said that she was interested in getting together some time. (There's no doubt in my mind that they were in fact a real person, and not catfishing or fake - we sent pictures back and forth, etc.)
I wouldn't be so concerned with this one person (this probably happens with most people that you meet online), but I haven't really had any other interaction with an enthusiast - or with meeting anyone else online on other sites, for that matter - so I don't really want to just "let it go" until I know for sure that I should let it go. She was a really nice person in general and just talking to her helped me through sad times over the past months, so I don't really want to just say "oh well" and move on.

Anyway, I just wanted to ask for advice here - should I try to text her again, or should I leave it? I understand that no response means there's a good chance that there's no reason to try again, but at the same time... idk, I don't want to just leave it like that, since we (or at least I) were really enjoying talking.

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Comments

  • pmvinespmvines

    Send a follow up text . And honestly she may have deactivates cus she wants to be left alone to focus on other things. Try to not take it personally it happens

  • GibstackGibstack
    edited December 2022

    Yeah. The one thing that I'd have to go on is that it would be because of work, since she was especially busy this month (that's mostly why we stopped talking)

    Would it be appropriate to say something like "Hey, I know you've been super busy with work recently, and that's totally good. Do you still want to keep in touch? I didn't want to leave the conversation on read, that's all."

    I'm horrible with wording these sorts of messages correctly so I want to make sure I get it right :)

  • NobodiesheroNobodieshero
    edited December 2022

    I completely understand how you feel. This has happened to me before online more than once. And honestly it's rude, but it happens. She probably has something going on in her own life, could be personal issues, she might have gotten a bf. (Likely)

    If you can see she read your message and she's not answered I wouldn't bother sending another, although trying can't hurt. Unfortunately this is the world we live in now, I call it "ghost culture". It's easier to ignore someone than to say what you don't want too.

    I had something similar happen to me a few months ago but on another site, we talked alot, a ton actually and just randomly she deleted her account and blocked me. No explanation. Litterally it happened mid conversation and it was a good conversation too.

    Who knows though she might get back to you eventually

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream
    edited December 2022

    100% don’t message back …. I hope that one day she texts you back , I can tell you bonded with her and that she made you feel amazing … Trust me when I tell you that every single one of us reading this post has been there… hoping for the best & sending the best wishes your way 🌌

    Edit: nothing wrong with your wording (I just read your comments above). Your approach is very cordial/ friendly/ thoughtful & respectful.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    @Gibstack I've been there more than once.
    It's painful for sure. It's totally normal for you to feel sad and a sense of loss over this.
    For me the best thing I could do is to keep myself busy and try to not think about her anymore.
    You could try sending one final text in a week or two but there's a good chance she either changed her number or blocked you.
    I wish I could know why someone does that but there could be hundreds of reasons and you may never know the real reason. Even if she texted back one last time and said why it might not be the truth.
    Sorry you went through this. Don't give up. There are more people to make friends with.
    It might not feel like it right now but honestly you will find another friend.
    Good luck.

  • Midnight01Midnight01

    Don't text her back. She "read" it already. In reality, if she wanted to respond, she would have already. HOWEVER. What I would may do is...CALL HER. We are in a world of texting and never talk on the phone anymore. Try and figure out when she's not working, drink a shot of whiskey to calm your nerves, and make the call.

  • GibstackGibstack
    edited December 2022

    I did send the message I presented above.

    Depending on what happens & how I feel I may try calling in a few days, at an appropriate time - the worst thing that can happen is nothing. (I'm not really feeling like it'd be rude or anything since I've definitely just been ghosted or whatever by that point)

    Thanks everyone.

  • MelancholyMelancholy

    @Gibstack
    If you have never called her before I don't think you should call her now.
    Calls can be very upsetting for some people if they aren't expecting it.
    I had a female friend tell me it caused her extreme anxiety and I had no idea and this was someone I used to call many times before.

  • scottrileytxscottrileytx

    I was talking to another enthusiast on here, we actually set up a date and time to get together, at that point we exchanged numbers. Everything was passing the sniff test, then as soon as we began texting she mentioned charging, I said yeah no, not how this works. The next morning I logged on here thinking of reporting the account but it had already been deactivated. I shrugged it off as someone who was trying to use cc for something other than it’s intention.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
    edited December 2022

    I have talked to many enthusiasts that suddenly went radio silent. I assume they met someone and started a relationship and no longer come here. And to that I say good for them!

    Edit: I kinda forgot it is also the holidays. People are with family/traveling/etc. may just not want to be bothered.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @scottrileytx they were probably wanting to avoid paying the CC fees. But good on you calling them out and not meeting up. Def shady.

  • HollydollhugsHollydollhugs

    If she has a job that takes a lot of her time and energy, December is probably 10 times more busy than any other month of the year. I know for me December can almost take you to a breaking point and this year I have 2 jobs. I would just give her some time. She may just need a little time to reset from all that she went through. Hopefully that’s all it is. Hugs!!

  • xeldaxelda

    If you've sent 2 texts with no response, definitely do not call her. Either way, I wouldn't call. As tempting as it is to try to reach harder to get a response, it can come across as pushy at best, stalking at worst. You may just have to live with never knowing the real reasons why from her. Anything else is just speculation, and could be anything from she got too busy, to you said something that triggered her, or you weren't keeping up your end of the conversation as much as you thought you were. So feel free to speculate with whatever helps you live with it.

  • HalfnuggieHalfnuggie

    I'd only add that you shouldn't assume anything. I understand she mentions work but don't help her explain why she's kinda leaving you stranded virtually. Not the best choice of words but you know what I mean? Work is not a good enough reason to not send a text in my opinion. So just be sure you take @pmvines advice to not take it to heart.

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg
    edited December 2022

    HOWEVER. What I would may do is...CALL HER

    This is why women use google phone numbers (at least they should) ... don't do this lol

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    A lot of people view online relationships as less "real" than offline ones, in part because they can just bail whenever they like with no consequences. That may even be what attracts them. Shrug and move on, there's really nothing else you can do.

  • pmvinespmvines

    I echo that as much as you may not like it, she might just not be that into you . Many online people, even when conversing offline , still see it as a safe enough distance to where they can pause things if needed. People get kinda obsessive sometimes with these online connections so much to where they ignore and neglect their real world connections and responsibilities. If she deactivated her account, then she likely is taking a break from all things related to the site , including the people on the site . Again, it wouldnt hurt anything to send a simple text that just says like hey you have a good holiday weekend, or hey long time no speak you good , or something to that effect. But try to not over think this and try to just learn and grow and appreciate the moments you had with them. Nothing stays gold Pony Boy.

  • CuddlePassionsCuddlePassions

    You need to let her go, there are others out here and out there, the best thing i suggest is to wish her happy new years and have a great year, successful, safe year and if she cant respond or respect that then its time to say oh well and move on.

  • pmvinespmvines

    Also holidays equals family time etc. Its understandable why someone would be occupied with other things this time of year

  • CozyWolfyCozyWolfy
    edited December 2022

    This sucks but try not to take it personally because it's probably not. There are a million reasons and for your peace of mind try to always give the benifit of the doubt.. maybe she's overwhelmed or depressed or has a avoidant attachment style caused by trama.. who knows but there are other people out there who you haven't met yet who will not ghost you and you deserve that.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    One of the greatest things about this site is the fact you can get what you need and go away. Wether it’s a cuddle or conversation, maybe a lot of cuddles and maybe a lot of conversation. Sorry this person drifted in and out on you but that’s what the majority do. At least they deactivated and didn’t just go inactive. Know you know she wanted to leave and nothing nefarious happened.

  • bobadevoteebobadevotee

    Please just leave her alone. If she left you on read, she wants to be left alone. This is why I don’t give anyone on this site my number, even a fake number, anymore. Some of the advice others are giving in this thread scares me. I would be absolutely horrified if some stranger online called me because I didn’t reply to them.

    It’s the holidays, she might be with family, but even if none of those are the case and she just doesn’t feel like being involved with this site or anyone on it anymore… that’s valid. She doesn’t need to be busy or have any other excuse. If she doesn’t want to interact anymore, that’s her choice and it needs to be respected.

  • TruePowerTruePower
    edited December 2022

    @Halfnuggie what they said. I'm currently going through something similar. They tell me their studies and work take up nearly all their waking hours, that's why they can't see me often.
    But texting? Also radio silent, or closed-ended reply 4-8 hours later.

    I think people like us need to take the hint that others may not actually want an ongoing connection, or they want to keep comms limited to only in-person.

    @bobadevotee sorry but leaving people on read is not an action to be respected.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    Completely letting go might bring you closer over time. Stepping back may mean there was some intensity that needs to be placed in perspective. It sounds like the lines are still open. I'd wait a year. If there's something there of value she'll step back in.

    Closeness involves voluntary, free flowing cooperation. It's easy. You don't have to work at it all the time. It feels good. By stepping back you are looking out for yourself as well. Having hope is important but what's more important is what you hope for. At the moment contact isn't working. Let go.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited December 2022

    @TruePower it might not be that they dont want a connection, but rather dont have the same want or need for it in the way that the other does . Its not easy when one perosns intensity for interaction is greater than the others. Some folks are really into texting etc throughout the day , while others maybe every few days or a weekly check in . Plus it's common for folks to really chat a bunch when getting to know each other because it's new and exciting, but eventually you both find a more natural cadence that fits into your lifestyles and priorities .

  • tacpmurgtacpmurg
    edited December 2022

    @bobadevotee @xelda preach.

    Let me try this again with less vitriol

    OP, if she wants to talk she will, if it were me I would be unhappy having someone continue to reach out (regardless of medium).

  • cuddles_ndreamcuddles_ndream

    @tacpmurg 💯 …. Everyone can say there’s a million reason why someone may not have responded to a message yet, and while this may be true, this only serves as a sense of false hope … at the end of the day if someone wants to respond they will, if they don’t they won’t … same applies to the fact that people find & make time for the the things they want, and find no time for the things they don’t … all this is ok, this is just the way the cookie crumbles and its perfectly fine even if it hurts at times, we’ve all been there and I’m sure that most of us have been on the other side as well … I don’t think its fair we all keep drilling it to the op, he’s young and learning a reality about life …. I will remove myself from this thread now, you heard everyone’s opinions based on experience, feel free to take the advice you see fit and discard the rest.

  • KozyKimKozyKim

    I think there’s a better chances of her reaching back to you if you don’t message her.

    One thing I could never really understand is ghosting people. If you have a problem with someone you should really tell them, if you feel like ghosting them you should tell them why you would like to ghost them. Give them a chance to correct their behavior. But I love closure and I think it’s best to close things out rather than just vanish out of thin air. Too much over thinking and wondering if it was you, never knowing the truth.

    It’s definitely happened to me and I feel like it’s happened to everyone. You’re not alone.
    It’s very important to keep the site platonic as friends not that you can’t miss a friend that just ditches you. But if you’re thinking of a person more than a friend it’s probably more sad.

    I hope you meet a new friend:)

  • SashamcgeeSashamcgee

    So it's really important to understand that sometimes we like people more than they like us. And sometimes we value a connection more than the other person. And no matter how much we value that connection we can't make someone else value it the same. So, you reached out twice. She knows you valued your connection. If she finds similar value when she is ready she will reach out. Don't contact her again. One month of chatting online doesn't equal a friendship unfortunately. So it isn't something you keep showing up for once the other person shows they are no longer interested. Good luck 💜

  • KozyKimKozyKim

    @Sashamcgee I think that’s some really good advice.

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