Thank you @KozyKim some hard pills to swallow but important for sure.
@Sashamcgee always good to hear the truth. Thanks!
It will happen many times. You just don't know what is going on in their life. Just have to move on.
@friendlyhugging of course 💜
My advice to you would be to move on and stop reaching out to her.
Maybe it's not personal and she just decided that cuddling is not her thing (she never did meet you, after all) or maybe it is personal? It doesn't matter either way, she read your message and that's enough.
Best thing to do is move on.
One thing: I don't really get people defending the decision to ghost me. No one is obligated to stay friends or stay in touch or anything for any reason, of course; people have their right to privacy - but it doesn't mean it's polite to ghost someone without reason. It's not like there was something I did that warranted it, and reading through some responses it felt like I'm being blamed just for wanting to keep in touch with someone that I actually connected with. Like I get it, again, no one is required to give an explanation, they don't need a reason. But it doesn't mean that it's my fault or that I'm in the wrong for being disappointed.
I've struggled to make any friends at all over the past year since being out of school, so apologies for sounding desperate - it's because I am desperate to keep in touch with people. No one that I've met online has stuck around for a conversation other than this one person over the past 3 months, ever since I've started making accounts on different apps like this and trying to meet others online. Please don't blame me for trying to keep a connection with someone, it's really upsetting to me and it just makes me feel like I don't deserve to make connections at all.
And yes, I do value friendships towards me more than anyone has valued my friendship towards them. It's my nature. That's why I care so much, and I'm sorry that I'm like that.
I didn't call them btw, mostly because I just don't care that much now that they read the subsequent message and still ignored it. I don't get why people were so upset at that. but I'm really not interested in seeing 10 people lecturing me explaining why calling is such an awful thing to do, so save the energy and don't bother please. Lesson learned, people don't like it and I won't.
@Gibstack you really getting mad at folks over this ? Putting things out there on the public interweb forums invites all sorts of opinions and thoughts . Not everybody is going to hold your hand and pat you on your back every time you feel slighted. I am sorry you feel this way, but nobody has done anything to you on here . Somebody not returning your messages might make you feel a certain way, but you aren't a victim here
@Gibstack I can only explain my reasoning not everyone elses.
Women have to deal with men not taking no for an answer all the time, some choose to ghost because its just f'ing safer/easier. Some men will take any response, even a negative one, as encouragement to keep going.
You bringing the whole situation to a public forum blasting her private business for all to see marks points against you. Read as: you start to look like the guys in #1, instead of taking the L and accepting she no longer wants to continue talking, you made a whole damn thread.
You guys were talking for a couple months according to you. Some perspective here, but thats not a lot of time, you come off overly attached overly quick. I understand you have emotional connection needs, but she is under no obligation to BE that for you. YOU being desperate for it has no bearing on HER.
I personally don't think you are a bad person, don't mistake me. I just think you are what women have to deal with on a consistent basis throughout their lives... someone who thinks their problems outweigh her autonomy.
Like I get it, again, no one is required to give an explanation, they don't need a reason.
If you truly believed this, you would understand and let it go.
EDIT
Side note this goes both ways not just for men bothering women, men have just as much right as well to dip the F out.
@pmvines if people don't have to "hold my hand and pat me on the back", why do I have to return back with total kindness? people can get upset at me and i can't be upset back?
edit btw; i'm not upset at any one person btw. i'm really just sad and venting.
@tacpmurg Okay, you're right on #1, I should have dropped it if I was a normal, socially functioning human-being who isn't trying too hard to make friends. I'm sorry. But I'm not blasting anyone's private business; I didn't say who it is, there is nothing revealing other than "they deactivated their account recently" which doesn't tell anyone anything. You're blaming me for something that I didn't do, and just making me feel worse.
And like I said - I understand that people are not required to give an explanation. But I also understand that it's rude to ghost. I don't know why there is apparently only one side or the other.
edit: your edit makes me feel better about what you're saying even if i don't agree with all of it.
@tacpmurg - I don't believe it's polite to suddenly ghost someone you've been communicating with UNLESS you made it clear that you no longer wish to continue the conversation and they persist. Ghosting leaves so many questions in the head wonder what went wrong.
@Gibstack I will openly admit I lean on the side of women when things are being weighed. I am TRYING to give you the benefit of the doubt but I will side with the person who has no voice in this at the moment, thats my bias.
With that bias in mind, because context matters here, I see you as potentially emotionally blackmailing via this thread. I can't help but think our opinion or responses don't matter, and your ultimate goal was for her to see this and feel BAD about not responding.
So yes, I am blaming you. Is it fair, not sure to be honest, but thats my opinion of this thread and your actions.
@tacpmurg How would someone see this who isn't on the site anymore???
You are definitely wrong in your assumption that I'm "hoping she sees this". I wouldn't have made this at all if I thought that, that would be stupid. I was only trying to say the right thing - or say nothing at all - based on feedback from other people. I only felt comfortable making it on this forum (I would've asked personal friends instead) because it was an interaction from this site in particular, where she has already deleted her account, and you can't see things here with no account...
I would ask a mod to delete this thread if I had any expectation for her to see it.
@Gibstack - Actually you can. You don't need an account at all to read the forums.
Wait really?? Okay that's my bad. Sorry.
I really thought it was like most sites around meeting real people, that you needed an account to use any features.
Now that I know that I really wouldn't mind a mod deleting this thread, since frankly the situation has been dealt with and I don't need advice now (in addition to the fact that, yeah, I really don't want this person seeing it, contrary to the assumptions made...)
@tacpmurg it’s nice to see someone with some common sense in these forums.
OP, if your self esteem is so wrapped up in a stranger online replying to you, no amount of friends is going to help. You need therapy. I’m not saying this to be mean, but from lived experience. No amount of friends will ever fix that fundamental self esteem issue. That’s a matter of self work and therapy.
It’s fine to feel disappointed about the situation, and I even think it’s fine to make a forum post about it. But it isn’t fine that I’ve seen you even consider calling her (glad you decided against it) and that you even sent a follow up text. You can be disappointed and vent, but you need to leave people alone when they want to be left alone. Consent matters.
@tacpmurg makes great points regarding how women often don’t feel safe to end an interaction. I’ve had situations where I tried to be polite and provide closure, but the men kept harassing me. It’s often easier and safer to ghost.
@Gibstack then be sad and vent , but dont lash out at other posters when they arent acting as your sounding board or echo chamber. Nobody here has wronged you
@Gibstack - You need an account to post and contact members, but the owner opted to make the forums posts public to make this site more visible in search engines.
@bobadevotee Having some friends is the key to my being helped.
Therapy isn't going to help. I've been in therapy for five years (on and off, but for most of that five years) and I'm like this now. When I have good friends around me, I've been okay. When I no longer have any friends I can go see - that's where I am now - that's when things get bad. That's when one stranger that I've talked to online, that I could potentially meet and be friends with, is really that important. It might be easy for people who have been able to keep lifelong connections with people to shrug off things like this, and I'm sorry that I struggle with that. I don't know what to tell you.
I don't know what to tell you about how my self worth is entirely based around other people, and that I don't find my own experiences valuable on their own. No amount of therapy is going to fix that, or maybe I've been seeing all the wrong people for therapy, I don't know.
edit: also really don't know what was wrong about sending the followup message that i did. with someone that i talked with a lot, posting one message saying that i just didn't want to leave the conversation on read is something I would hardly call rude. i would say that posting the forum post (if i knew that the forum was public; shame on me) was a much worse offense lmao
Pro tip, all of us struggle for human connection, thats the human condition. Keep struggling.
To add to tacpmurg's comments, read up on the concept of "engage and enrage." While ghosting is rude, it can also be perceived as the safest way to handle a situation. If A writes B to say, "Hey, I'd rather not talk with you anymore, how likely is it B says "Okay" and that's the end of it? Many people would want a reason, try to change A's mind, etc. Ghosting, impolite as it is, means A doesn't have to deal with drama.
Anyway, I don't care that much one way or the other, but if a mod does see this, I would prefer if this thread was deleted. I don't really need the person seeing this thread - even though I still think it's unlikely, it's also more possible than I thought, so. dealer's choice on that one
(also the discussion has gone pretty off topic from what i originally asked. just wanted advice on what to do and I got it)
(edit to respond) - i understand that concept now that it's been explained like that it's frustrating for me because i know that i wouldn't do that. but the other person doesn't know that, so, that's just the way it is
@WriterGF - I had somebody tell me just that. A female that I was hanging out with(not sure if it was really dating or just friends) sent me a text one day that said, "I do not wish to see you anymore. Please don't contact me anymore." I'm not gonna pretend that it wasn't hurtful, because it was. Of course I wanted to find out what was going on, but she ghosted me after that. There are nicer ways of ending things.
FLAGGED, REPORTED!!!!!
If people who don't have anything nice to say would just skip threads. But that will never happen.
@Melancholy kinda agree
people can say what they want but it'd just be better if things were constructive and/or positive. unfortunately it doesn't happen every time (not even talking about this thread, just in general lol)
I had a pro that I met with a couple time they came in to town and missed the last couple they did. They told me things weren't going well so I reached out every couple weeks with a response until I didn't get a response, so I took the hint and stopped texting. 6 months later they are getting back into cuddling and I messaged them and they can't wait to see me.
TLDR: Long story short, people have things come up or dealing with things and go silent. When it happens just move on and maybe things will work out and they reach back out again.
As someone who is suuuuuper guilty of often leaving a message on open, with a pending draft I find days later, or just end up forgetting about it... That follow up text gets my focus! It's not that I intentionally didn't reply, it's that life got in the way. If this was a truly real connection you made, it's worth sending that follow up. Best of luck 😊
@softsoulbaby that's kinda how I felt too (as like a possibility) and that's what the reasoning is. like if it wasn't a real connection then that's fine and it's over; it's not really any skin off anyone's back for one message. but if it was and i lost it because i didn't send that one message, that would suck.
Sorry you’re getting wrecked in here by multiple people all making the exact same suggestions to you. I’m sorry this friendship didn’t work out, but do your best to be optimistic the next one will. The worst thing is to go in expecting each friendship to end up like this, because then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Also you did absolutely nothing wrong sending that follow up message, obviously this friend wasn’t meant to be, you’re a good guy. Don’t get too down on yourself