What motivates you to respect boundaries?

respectfulrespectful
edited January 2018 in General

For those who do respect the boundaries while cuddling (hopefully most of us!) ...

What is your reason for not wanting to cross boundaries, and do you have a specific approach to keeping things platonic?

Edit: Alternatively: what is someone missing when they have problems with boundaries?

Edit 2: And just to clarify, my own boundaries are fine; I was just thinking about why some people cross them, and wanted to come at it from a positive angle.

«1

Comments

  • JasonCuddlesJasonCuddles

    I would never want to make someone uncomfortable with my actions. It's just going against my core being.

    As to your second part I cannot provide any real reply. I've never cuddled with anyone here so I have no experience with any potential issues.

  • willmott2k10willmott2k10

    To be blunt, when people are cuddling everyone should be comfortable as it's an experience which should be beneficial and nice for all involved, crossing boundaries violates that. Before meeting someone, I'll always ask them about places they don't like being touched and if they're comfortable doing this and that and whatnot, if they say they don't want this or that to happen I won't do it, even if at the time it's just meant as a joke.

    Speaking for people who don't respect them, I guess possibly not fully understanding purely platonic cuddling and/or getting aroused probably doesn't help. I've probably gotten at least a little aroused almost every time, if not actually every time, I've cuddled up with someone from here but I feel that's a fairly natural/normal response, I can control my actions even if that happens but I do wonder if that's not the case for everyone.

  • pmvinespmvines

    I'm not a douche bag....

  • LovelightLovelight

    Do onto others as you would want done on to you.

    Also, I've clear set rules along with keeping my relationships separate so not to mix up. I take no pleasure in playing with people's feelings. The mixing and playing I leave for my music and gamings. :)

  • justmeinkcjustmeinkc

    Being a decent human being is what has me respect boundaries

  • calineurcalineur

    It's morally wrong to break them.
    The consequences aren't worth breaking them.
    It feels better to do what's best for you and your partner.
    Respect is not just a word. It carries very heavy weight.
    Self-respect or lack thereof, plus respect from others or lack thereof can have a profound influence on one's happiness for the rest of his or her life.
    Breaking the boundaries can have a profound influence on whether one has self-respect or respect from others.

  • MorpheusMorpheus
    edited January 2018

    There are boundaries that have been dictated by this site and then there are personal boundaries. Personal boundaries may be greater than or less than the boundaries set by cuddle comfort depending on the person. For arguments sake, my comment is regarding pros because as far as I know, there are no boundaries set for non-pros. I think that most people are going to be considerate first and foremost of people’s personal boundaries rather than the boundaries set by the site. My question then is, although your pros boundaries may be less than the boundary set by the site, what is your motivation to respect this websites boundaries?

  • calineurcalineur

    @Morpheus : Yes, the distinction you mention is important to understand for this thread. Thank you for adding it in.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    The boundaries for enthusiasts are the same as everyone else's.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    @Blueiris can you please tell me where it says that? That is valuable information.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod
    edited January 2018

    @Morpheus - I don't believe there is anywhere on the site that states specific rules for enthusiasts. There's no agreement for enthusiasts like the client agreement. All the information on the site when you sign up says is "you." You agree to cuddle platonically. You agree not to engage in sexual stimulation. You is everyone: pros, clients, and enthusiasts. The rules are the same for everyone. When I was an enthusiast, I followed the same rules as everyone else, which are the same rules as in the Client Services Agreement.

    Morpheus: "although your pros boundaries may be less than the boundary set by the site"

    If a professional cuddler's boundaries are less strict that those set by this website, that is grounds for being banned. Professional cuddlers have agreed to those boundaries as a condition for having a pro account on here.

    There have been threads on the forum before which debate what consenting adults in the privacy of their own home may do, specifically enthusiasts, indicating that they have the right to have elastic boundaries, according to their personal preferences. While no one is going to police that, technically you're violating what you agreed to when you signed up on the site if you and your cuddler decide to do your own thing.

    Perhaps we should ask @Mark to confirm if my understanding is correct.

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)

    @bleuiris I agree that by nature of this site everyone should respect the platonic boundary.

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)
    edited January 2018

    I guess it is a matter of personal integrity.
    I think we do discuss boundaries more than we used to. Invisible boundaries are tough. Back in the 60’s nobody talked about boundaries. Not much. Nice girls ALWAYS said “no” at first. Often she meant it, but more often, that was where the discussion of boundaries started. To somebody who likes to play by the rules, it could be very confusing. More than once (yes, I dated girls when I was a teen boy...actually up to almost age 30) the feedback I’d get from one of my date’s friends was that when she stopped me early in the experience, I just said , okay, I’m sorry, let’s get a coke. I was expected to try again. I didn’t know the code.
    Today, it is more likely that we discuss where we are headed, and how fast. Of course I date other gay men, and some bi men, who move a lot faster than most women at first. On the other hand, I think getting to a relationship often happens slower with gay men.
    Anyway boundaries are good when they are communicated and understood. It applies more than sex. It should work in dating before sex ( know before dinner whether it’s a Dutch treat or one is treating) business, roommates, neighbors, etc.

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    Let’s say that a pro had a session with a client, a relationship developed, they fell in love and ultimately got married and had a family. Would you view that story as beautiful or would you see them as rule breakers that should be banned from the site? Now, same scenario but in this case it’s two non pros. Is it a beautiful story or are they rule breakers who should be banned from the site?

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)

    I’d say that those two people, at the point they started, by word or action to approach crossing their boundaries, should openly discuss and decide on new boundaries. They should immediately stop communicating with each other on the site, privately and in open forum. Their private boundary discussion should include whether either or both should continue communicating with others on the site. Humans make mistakes. Redemption is a matter of dealing with transgressions honestly.

  • JFGreenJFGreen

    Someone who does not respect boundaries is missing common decency and respect for others.

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)

    Morpheus, I would say that any nonplatonic activity sought by a cuddler pro or not with someone from the site shows a lack of respect for the other person as the reason we are here (the website) is platonic.

  • tallteddytallteddy

    If two cuddlers meet up after being introduced through cuddle comfort and they have a discussion about their boundaries, and they find out they both have less boundaries than the site suggests, I don't think they need to uphold the sites boundaries as long as they hold themselves to each others boundaries. Likewise, if one of them has more boundaries, the other should respect those as well.

    That said, if you take it further than cuddling, I think you shouldn't give the other person karma. That could cause confusion with other cuddlers down the line.

  • cuddlebugTMcuddlebugTM

    I respect boundaries because 1 it’s the very simplest basic thing as a decent human being, we can give each other freely . Also I care about how others feel when they interact with me . When I go to a cuddle I put myself in a vulnerable place . The experience is. Best when the person I’m with respects my boundaries no matter what feelings are stired in them and vise versa . We value each other as people who are connected for mutual healing and platonic touch then we can be more relaxed and open .

    Sadly Someone always looking for a loophole . This isn’t a dating site but too many are treating it as such and if they do it will destroy the chance to help people take this community seriously . Anyone who takes this seriously wont stick around for another dating site .

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)
    edited January 2018

    If the someone's boundaries are not in line with the sites, they probably should not have a profile here.

  • SideonSideon

    Motivation to respect boundaries? It's about one's character, about one's word, and about communication with another person in whom you expect the same. It's living and practicing the Golden Rule.

  • [Deleted User]chococuddles (deleted user)

    @Morpheus Sounds like a rom-com Netflix original I’d enjoy with a pizza.

    ‘Breaking Boundaries’
    The defiant cuddle story that shook up a generation.

    Would watch.

  • [Deleted User]curiousgeorge1 (deleted user)

    Problem is I don't want to cuddle Heisenburg. Too much uncertainty possibly knocking at my door.

  • CalNativeCalNative

    Fear of pepper spray? (kidding, just kidding). I think @justmeinkc has it right. Being a decent human being is all that's required.

  • mellowmellow

    @chococudles , now I wanna see at least a trailer with the movie guy deep voice.
    “They played a dangerous game and they soon headed on a road that would take them far away from the cuddling comfort they seeked”
    Coming this fall to a theater near you : Breaking boundaries , starring Ryan Gosling and Jennifer Lawrence

  • [Deleted User]Alternis (deleted user)

    My boundaries are whatever the boundaries of the other cuddler are.
    Some pros dont like laying on top of you and if they don't then that's fine and I wont push for it. If they're OK with it then it happens.

    My cuddling experiences arent limited to the site and pros either. So that's why I say my boundaries are whatever the other persons is. And as stated before by others I respect those boundaries cause the only way to enjoy a cuddle session is if everyone is comfortable and it's just the right thing to do that any decent human being would do.

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited January 2018

    I guess we're talking about several different things ...

    The other person's boundaries

    e.g. "I don't like being touched on my ears".

    Motivation for not crossing: respect, common decency, caring about how they feel, treating others the way you would like to be treated, wanting the other person to feel safe and secure, creating a relaxed atmosphere.

    The site boundaries

    Client agreement: no sexual activity, remaining clothed, no touching undergarment areas, no kissing.

    Terms of service: not intending to meet for sex, or attempt to progress a meeting to a sexual nature.

    Motivation for not crossing: keeping your word, not misrepresenting your intentions, agreeing with the site's values of keeping things platonic.

    Personal boundaries

    e.g. the other person is OK with being touched a certain way, but you don't feel comfortable doing that.

    Motivation for not crossing: integrity, personal values.

    Emotional / non-physical boundaries

    e.g. falling in love with a professional.

    Motivation for not crossing: understanding and accepting the nature of the cuddling relationship, respecting the other person's wishes, treasuring genuinely platonic friendships.

    -o-o-O-O-O-o-o-

    The main thing I like about boundaries is the sense of safety. If I know the other person will stick to them, and I will too, then we can relax and have fun! There are "no holds barred" within the limits we have agreed on, and we can be playful, try things out, suggest things etc.

    In the end, boundaries create freedom.

  • pmvinespmvines

    Plain and simple to reiterate, it's because I'm not a douche. It's because women aren't sex objects. It's because the world does not rotate around me . It's because my momma raised me right . I can wax philosophical about respect, decency, moral obligation , etc. But truth is when you wake up in the morning you have a choice to be a certain person. I choose to be a person who is the opposite of those whom I would otherwise like to choke slam.

  • [Deleted User]Greybeard (deleted user)
    edited January 2018

    @pmvines I relate to one sentence in you last post: “My momma raised me right.” When I see somebody, usually it is a male somebody, acting like a turd, my immediate thought is that the unfortunate fool was raised without a mother. And it is not unlike me to look a grown man in the eye and ask, “What would your mother say?” That is often followed with a suggestion that I not talk about his mother. If I think the guy can be redeemed, I’ll ask him to consider that the way he treats others speaks about his mother all the time.

  • respectfulrespectful

    @Greybeard "If I think the guy can be redeemed"

    So I'm wondering ... for people who cross boundaries, but not to an extent that gets them banned, is there some way to educate them?

    It's hard to compensate for someone being not raised right, feeling entitled, having a lifetime of relating to women a certain way etc.

    But it would be good if the incidence of people pushing on the boundaries could somehow be decreased.

Sign In or Register to comment.