Platonic cuddling in the real world

CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod
in General

By engaging in platonic cuddling, we are much more mindful of the importance of asking for and giving consent. Outside of this space, being asked for consent is sadly much less common.

Growing up I watched plenty of 80’s and 90’s coming of age movies and romantic comedies, so I’d like to use a movie theatre setting as an example here. When characters are in a theatre, there is this expectation for one person to put their arm around the other person. The pressure will build up for person A to “make their move” while person B eagerly anticipates it. I think this is a relatable situation to be in for some of us.

As platonic cuddlers, if we were watching a movie with another cuddler, it would be expected to ask for consent first. But as far as our society goes, it feels like the opposite is true. As if person A needs to live up to the expectations of their gender and specifically not ask and just go for it.

As platonic cuddlers, what are your thoughts on this when observing this behavior when potentially cuddling with someone where the rules are not defined like they are here? Please don’t turn this into a political discussion or go after me for having “snowflake” sensibilities. I am already well aware of those opinions and am much more looking to hear from you as a platonic cuddler.

Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Charlie_Bear its never a bad time to learn about snowflakes!

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @FunCartel ok I think I’m gonna need to make those! 😅

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited February 2023

    @Charlie_Bear But seriously, great topic. I think for me this has evolved over time. I was taken aback by some of my earliest cuddles when the females just hugged me walking in the door and I probably just had a stupified look on my face. Now i immediately ask as they cross the threshold if I can give them a hug. Let me let this topic percolate a bit because there are several examples that I can offer.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    Awesome, I welcome any examples and to anyone else, I was using a theatre simply as an example to ask my question.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Yeah but the theater seating now days is cuddle-friendly.

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @Charlie_Bear I think it's great you use the theater example. Since I was a kid, I have feared being groped or kissed without my consent, specifically because of the scenes in movies and societal examples you see of these things routinely happening on first "dates". To me it has always been a form of assault and not one bit appealing in an alpha male take-charge sort of way. Alpha males can be fantastic, but alpha doesn't equal non-consent.

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @SunsetSnuggles i may not be an alpha male but I hope to one day graduate to soy boy 😅

  • warm_embracewarm_embrace

    I think it’s important to always ask for someone’s permission before touching them. Unless, you have developed a level of intimacy/negotiation where consent has already been given. That may not have been the expectation in the past, but this isn’t the past.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Looking back I can remember if you were respectful and did not do anything in the movie theater many of the girls (I say girls because I was basically a boy and we were still in school) would lose interest because they took the lack of action as disinterest. Likewise it was humiliating if you made an unwanted move.

    I have had females grab my hand in romantic situations without asking and have had females take my hand at times or reject it if I did it first. I have asked first and then been told that talk ruins the mood while others have welcomed a talk but it was awkward. Point being, there are all kinds of women with several possible outcomes and I gave up trying to figure it out. So how does this relate to platonic cuddling?

    It relates because I started talking about what ifs in advance of a date. Like do you find someone putting their arm around you on a first date romantic or a turn off? This discovery was several years ago and by doing this in advance it made first dates less stressful. Lo and behold, this is what should be done for platonic cuddling as well. Conversations before meeting are akin to building infrastructure before you get in your cuddle car. No two people are alike and to think that they are is foolhardy.

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    @Charlie_Bear - You've raised an interesting question that I have never thought of. Why does an arm over the should (without asking permission) seem to be perfectly normal behavior when watching a movie, but not in most other settings. Why does a hug as a greeting (without permission) seem to be normally acceptable behavior. There are many other similar behaviors, and I'm trying to find a generalized way to generalize them, but I can't come up with anything.

    @SunsetSnuggles - You are perfectly correct. You should be fearful (and/or appalled and/or disgusted) bu such behavior. However, I also don't believe that such behavior is generally acceptable under any circumstances, whereas, an arm over the shoulder during a movie, probably is.

  • warm_embracewarm_embrace

    I’m 65 and I remember “making the move” when I was a boy. It was the norm and it was a gender expectation that most people didn’t question. It was always awkward.

    I also raised two daughters and they were raised to believe they have agency over their bodies, and they expected to be asked for consent before a “move” was made. I think that’s progress, don’t you?

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @warm_embrace I agree. I would add that the same thing cannot be said for boys as sexual assault is on the rise in the under-18 demographic

  • AZcuddles602AZcuddles602

    I’ve noticed an increase in asking for consent in the dating world in the last few years and I love it. When I was dating in my 20s and 30s, the theater yawn over shoulder scenario @Charlie_Bear mentioned was very common. Back when I was dating a few years ago, I noticed men were more likely to ask “can I hold your hand” or “do you mind if I put my arm here” I think it’s wonderful. It’s not as expected as in the cuddling world, but it’s trending in a great direction.

  • [Deleted User]Calibrate715 (deleted user)

    Being new to this site and finding a cuddle partner, I enjoy reading discussions like this. Being a Southerner, hugging people we meet is fairly common so I hadn't thought of it in terms of meeting a potential cuddle partner.

    And having looked at more posts, it's so varied in what people like or need in a cuddle session. So these discussions are very helpful in teaching me how to navigate this dynamic.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @Calibrate715 That’s really great to hear ☺️ There are some great resources to learn more in the Community Advice section. You can find links at the bottom of the home page.

  • BearBear

    Before I learned about cuddling, I was doing energy healing. So I would always ask consent before working with somebody, especially doing hands-on. Then I learn about cuddle parties after my divorce. It was more boundary reinforcement and enlightenment.

    Nowadays, I always ask before I go to hug somebody or when I first meet somebody new in regards to cuddling. Personal boundary space is more evident in the younger people I know versus someone my age or older, and where sometimes it was just a given. Period.

  • Lisa123Lisa123

    When I meet someone for the first time before a cuddle, I open my arms to offer a hug. I haven't been turned away yet, but we have also chatted and are planning to cuddle. I don't verbally ask consent. There are ways to gauge consent without verbally asking every question and it all depends on the situation. It happens in the medical field: I have a blood pressure cuff in my hand and patient puts arm out, that's considered consent for me to proceed. The more invasive, the more "strict" the consent needs to be. With procedures that are considered necessary, I've explained and need to get a signature yet I've have heard multiple times- mostly from female patients- "I guess I don't have a choice." I tell them they always have a choice, they can say no. Of course the difference in the medical field is that we may try to convince someone to consent because it is in their best interest health-wise. Trying to convince someone to consent is not okay in other situations.

  • AZcuddles602AZcuddles602
    edited February 2023

    @warm_embrace I agree there’s progress and that’s great that you taught your daughters. I do the same with my daughter. I role model consent for her. I always ask her “can I give you a big hug?” She always says yes and runs to me, but I want her to know she has agency. Growing up, I hated hugs and kisses on the cheek or touch in general. As an adult, I love hugs now, but I know the feeling of being hugged when I didn’t want to.

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl
    edited February 2023

    Some months ago, I began exchanging messages with a female enthusiast here. After a few days, we decided to meet for lunch. When the time came, I was waiting near the restaurant door. When she arrived, she raised her arms, and we hugged. After lunch, we hugged again.

    No words were exchanged, and no permission was explicitly granted. I think that had I ask permission to hug her, she would have thought I was quite weird. Permissions don't always need to be verbal. By raising her arms, she was extending an invitation to hug, and I accepted her invitation.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @GreatHornedOwl yeah, the main reason I was asking was because in a cuddling environment I’m now super aware that consent must always be asked, but in the normal day to day it’s not and would possibly make someone be more wary of you. It’s also interesting to me because I am finding when consent is given I am way more cuddly, but when anyone outside of that goes in for a hug I will give the weakest one arm pat and try to get out of it as quick as I can. I’m finding that getting consent just makes me way more comfortable in how I interact with people because normally I feel like polite gestures are just that and they may not really want to embrace me.

  • ohnonotagainohnonotagain

    My first time cuddling, I was a bit nervous and the lady just straight up started cuddling.

    I figured consent was needed, especially from my side, but just went right into it. It was nice as hell, but damn is it confusing.

    As others pointed out, consent is absolutely needed in the real world just sucks that if someone is new to the real world or nervous, asking usually makes some partners turned off.

    Can't win 🤣

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    @ohnonotagain - Yes consent is needed, but **verbal **consent need not always required, In many cases, **implied **consent is sufficient. An invitation most certainly implies consent.

    See my earlier post, a few before yours.

  • ohnonotagainohnonotagain

    @GreatHornedOwl for sure, and I have a feeling that it is fairly easy to spot consent when out in the world dating. But, others may not have the experience to recognize the positive signs. Conversely, especially when drinking, sometimes the physical signs and verbal consent can still result in a, "hey, by the way, I didn't want to engage in activities last night," even when they started said activities. It's wild and weird and now I joke that I have to bring a form to ensure my safety 😂

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    @Charlie_Bear - I understand what you're saying. In my earlier post about non-verbal consent, I didn't describe the entire incident, because it didn't feel relevant. Here's the rest of the story.

    When the woman held out her arms to me, I understood that to be an invitation to engage in a typical "greeting" type of hug. I've never been totally comfortable with public displays of affection, so I responded with a quick, halfhearted hug. We never did end up cuddling. She told me that "she didn't feel a spark" when we hugged. Sometimes, you just can't win. I guess she was expecting a firm, passion filled hug.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @GreatHornedOwl oh noooo! That’s def a situation where if I asked first, I would have given the nicest hug. But if just going for it I’d prob find myself having the same outcome.

  • ohnonotagainohnonotagain

    Within the past decade the only in real life platonic cuddling I have done is with my nieces and nephews. All the other cuddles have been leading up intimate times.

    Wouldn't even know how to bridge that gap honestly.

  • GreatHornedOwlGreatHornedOwl

    @Charlie_Bear - I didn't just go for it. When she raised her arms, and reached out to me, she was clearly both issuing an invitation and granting permission. Even if the permission had been verbal, I most likely still not have understood that she was expecting a more vigorous hug than what I gave her.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    @GreatHornedOwl ah yeah, that is probably how 90% of hugs go for me. Arms outstretched and told to give them a hug. Outside of meeting a cuddler, I hadn't really ever thought it being something one would ask for consent.

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