@SunsetSnuggles Yep yep. hugs.
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@Mike403 your heart seems to be in the right place as far as I can tell. I would just ignore this stuff and not bother responding. Maybe this is the only way to make it go away.
There is a book called Sex at Dawn. I didn’t read it all but there were interesting passages. There is of course the danger of going too far with explaining behavior according to what we perceive as obvious evolutionary pressures. That’s because it is really an exercise of generating reasonable hypotheses. That by itself isn’t science. One has to think up ways of testing the hypotheses and that is often very difficult. So it continually dangles dangerously close to pseudo science. And often scientists conclude too early what the proper understanding should be without definitive proof.
@dave31415 are we talking about this latest line of thought or our topic before. If its our previous topic I am sorry about being so aggressive without clarity or mutual understanding about what was being said (which was my fault)
About this latest topic this is the last thing I'm going to say because I feel like this is something Mike should know and I don't want to leave it on an angry note.
@Mike403 People with autism are capable of so much I hate people being painted in a light that is lesser than because they are or even doing it to themselves. It is NOT you I'm upset with to be clear. I don't think you're racist. If I did I wouldn't bother with talking to you. I hope you know that. You're great. I think you put yourself down when you say things like that. Not because you are wrong about your own reality but because you're limiting your incredible intelligence by cutting yourself off at a certain point. There are challenges. And I'm sorry you have to deal with it. Genuinely. Hugs.
@stormydaycuddle - hugs
Let's get back on topic like the OP asked.
I don't know about my boundaries in relation to cuddling specifically as I never cuddled before but over the years in interactions with my friends. I have realized that while I do overall enjoy hugs and platonic touch----
----I am not a fan of hugs or platonic touch without consent, or to put a better way not a fan of surprise hugs or platonic touch, unless it is from someone that I know and trust. It took me a while to realize that I do have boundaries and that consent even among friends is a can be a good thing until a substantial (up to each person to decide for themselves) amount of trust and familiarity is built.---
I think as man there are times when I would want to make my boundaries more clear and other times when I would want to know and understand the other person's boundaries depending on who I am interacting with, and their age, and just be in agreement with them as if they were my boundaries as well, I wouldn't expect most honest people to tell me they aren't comfortable with something and then interact with me in that way, if they'd be uncomfortable if I interacted with them in that way, without me mentioning if I was okay with something that they weren't comfortable with.
I guess I wasn’t on the last page of the thread. Sorry.
Not sure how to direct comments to an individual, but this is for cuddlefaery.
EDIT: Now I know how... @cuddlefaery
Very valid points. I did not consider boundaries that are not physical. I have discussed some of those too like topic and even simply "let's just be quiet" for awhile. I do have more boundaries than I realize if I get into mental and emotional areas.
Thanks for bringing that up.
@JamesMD - Use the @ symbol followed by the persons username to tag them. They'll also receive an email that they've been tagged so they'll read your comment faster.
@Mike403 Thank you. I guess I aged myself with my question. Let's see if I follow directions correctly. lol
(This comment is intended to be in response to the original post, though there is a bit of overlap with more recent comments.)
Something I had thought about since reading this post and attending a cuddle party recently is how bad I am at saying no. Not just with consent but with pretty much anything. I also have very little self confidence so the thought of anyone wanting to make things non-platonic just isn’t on my radar.
I understand that I am in a very privileged position in that I don’t really need to explicitly state my boundaries for them to be respected, and there are rules we all should be following so stating those boundaries may feel redundant to those of us that are not worried about our boundaries being pushed. But I think we are doing our cuddle partner(s) a disservice by not telling them what our boundaries are, even if they are already implied.
Some people are simply going to want more, and not saying any boundaries (including the obvious that we all agree to) could very likely lead your cuddle partner to believe that you would be fine with things escalating into non-platonic territory, which in itself goes against what this site is about. We are supposed to feel safe and it’s not a safe feeling if the person you are cuddling says they have no boundaries. To them that may seem fine but to anyone else that may make them feel like they are in danger.
So my takeaway here is that I will state my boundaries, even the obvious ones that usually go unspoken. There’s no reason not to if you want to participate in a safe platonic cuddle.
How do I express those boundaries without being awkward about it? I don't have any other places I don't like being touched other than what is already expressed via the contract on this site.
I had to think a minute about my boundaries. I don't have a regular set of boundaries because of the multiple group cuddle get together's I've been in, as well as the energy healing that I've done in the past. When I work on somebody doing energy work, I ask permission for every thing that I do. I asked them if they are OK with it and it also eases them. When I started going to the cuddle parties, it was very similar. You ask a person for every movement. To make sure that they are OK with that. May I put my hand on your shoulder, yes or no and you proceed accordingly. May I put my hand on your hip? Yes or no answer and you proceed accordingly. When I would cuddle with somebody on a regular basis that we were comfortable with each other, we would usually just say no touching in the bikini zone. After a while you knew what people who you were comfortable with and what touch they enjoyed. Hair could be a Yes, or no, depending on the person.
The amusing story, I remember from talking about boundaries with the facilitator was about somebody who said they had no boundaries. The other person said, so I can stick my toe up your butt? It made the person think about the question again and what was actually a boundary and what wasn't.
So when I'm with somebody new, I always ask if I can lay my hand anywhere on them, as well as move it.
When I start asking for consent, the person, well reciprocate. Even if I cuddle with somebody that I'm familiar with I'll still ask in general to make sure that the person is OK with being touched in that area. Saying a arm or a hip or etc. You never know if someone has a sore spot that day.
@Mike403 Since it appears that saying "I have no boundaries" is a red flag to some, then my suggestion is to say what you might like or not like during the session.
A boundary could be topics that you don't want discussed (ie religion, marriage, politics, etc). A boundary may be talking vs no talking. My guess is that if asked what boundaries you may have, then at least saying something is better than saying "I have no boundaries" as this creates an unsafe environment for some.
@mike403 Say no. If they can't take a no even when simply given a hug they need a perspective change and if they can't stay away from them. You don't have to explain yourself or why you need space and not to be touched. They need to GTFO if they can't accept your boundaries and you should think about avoiding them if they don't. Don't think you come across as awkward when saying no. When I was nineteen the brother in law of my future ex husband tried to hug me all the time. It was creepy, wrong and he should have taken the first no. I did get him to leave me alone by pointing out how messed up it was to force hugs on anyone let alone a 19 year old girl. I avoided him, he still asked for a while but I dodged him like crazy. Finally, I think it clicked that he was being creepy as hell. Sometimes people can't be avoided. That doesn't mean you have to make them feel good about violating your boundaries. BE awkward. Let them feel the discomfort. Maybe it will stop them. If you feel awkward doing it maybe (if you want to) you should work on how you feel but don't worry about other people feeling awkward when it comes to you placing a boundary down. Being polite the first time might be warranted but people who continue....Make them take the heat not you.
@stormydaycuddle - No, I mean discussing my boundaries before a session since it appears to be a red flag to some people if I don't mention my boundaries. Saying things like "no kissing", "no touching of privates", etc... would just seem awkward since we know we aren't supposed to do that anyway.
Hey,
Everyone gets this message when booking with me. Sometimes I add a little more personal touch and I try to keep it as light as possible while reinforcing my boundaries.
Also, I'm finally out. I wanted to reply to that because you asked a good question. I'll leave everyone alone..
@stormydaycuddle - Yeah, that'll work in your profile. It just might feel awkward bringing that up in person. @JamesMD's solution seems valid. Instead of focusing on what I don't want, discuss what I do want.
Everyone has boundaries but I think for men it’s rare that women cross boundaries with us. So we don’t state them unless asked. I’ve never had my boundaries crossed, always been asked if things are okay before they proceeded with cuddling or caressing me.
@Mike403 It is awkward. Super awkward. But that awkwardness shouldn’t prevent us from making others feel safe.
Interesting topic. In some of the cuddles that I have had I’ve answered the same response about not having boundaries. I’m not inviting someone to take out a dog leash and whip, mind you, but if it’s at the point where there’s someone next to me I’m pretty go with the flow.
As far as the other way around, though, I definitely ask a few minutes in if there are any “please don’ts” that the woman has. For example some women love having their nexk touched or caressed, other women are ticklish there and one had an ex that tried to choke her and it was a major trigger for her.
Approach everything gingerly.
Not all of us are red heads.
This is why I like reading these discussions - I would generally think of boundaries in terms of the physical. Valid points made about all kinds of preferences from speaking/not speaking to movies/music to topics to avoid.
I can see how touching on all these areas would lead to a better connection and cuddle experience ☺️
No religion and no politics. I don't care who you voted for or what you believe. Those are my boundaries.
I think our boundaries don’t matter all that much if they are more generous than the other persons because there is no justifiable way to exceed their boundaries. If we are with someone who has looser boundaries than ourselves, then we need to speak up and state them clearly. Our job isn’t so much to compromise our respective boundaries and blend then via consensus but to respect the lowest common denominator and of course the person we cuddle with and ourselves.
Discussing boundaries does not have to be awkward and gets easier with practice.
I like to start each session with a check-in.
How are we both feeling today? What are we hoping to gain from this session? What would we like to avoid? What boundaries do we need in place to feel safe and respected?
It only takes a couple minutes, helps us ease into the session, can be done while sitting facing each other, holding hands, after doing breathing exercises, etc. Whatever works for you.
Example of how my half of the conversation might have looked today: "I'm doing alright. I had a great morning, my afternoon was chaotic, so it's nice to end the evening with some grounding cuddles." "I'm hoping we can both find some peace and comfort in this session, as I know we've both been really busy and stressed. I'd also really like it if maybe we could trade neck massages at some point? Mine has been killing me." "Hmm, nothing is really off the table for me tonight - well, actually if you could avoid touching my low back a lot, or at least be gentle with it that would be good. It's quite tender." "Besides the usual rules we always follow, I'd like to restate my boundary regarding tickling - I will not tolerate intentional tickling during cuddle sessions and will only ask you to stop once before ending the session. But I'm sure you remember that from last time!"
Not a "guy", but socialized and viewed as one. I love squishy cuddles with a lot of face touching. That being said (and I state this in my profile) my boundaries are no touching of the bikini areas; on myself or on other people.
@SunsetSnuggles wow what a great thread / topic. I missed seeing this thread somehow , probably on one of my sabbaticals from forum reading lol. 😊
Some really great points and counterpoints. A lot here to think about. My journey here , yeah, probably when I first joined, I had little concrete thought of boundaries other than the TOS, etc.
I will say being active in this community, attending cuddle parties and other cuddle events has assisted greatly in not only recognizing my boundaries but the need for boundaries for everyone involved.
A" newer" boundaries and one of the most relevant boundaries discussed at Meet -N -Greets is picture taking. It is explained there that you need consent to take pics of other members and to post them on CC. Some may think that's not a boundary issue, but its a real one at those events.
Anyways, good original topic. Glad to finally find and read it.
Again, Lots to think about 😊👍
This was a solid spinoff from one of the greatest "off the rail" threads of all time...the "you're a racist tipper" thread. We need to bring that one back from the dead if it still exists.