@stormydaycuddle I think my first usage of the word rare, was poorly worded. I absolutely did not mean that the horrid abusive messages that women get everywhere online are rare. I meant that people get too busy to respond or forget or fall asleep and those times are rare. I reread it because I genuinely had no idea why there was the backlash.
It was my fault and poorly worded. I'm well aware of how women are treated online and off and the even small little disgusting gestures or comments or looks you have to put up with all the time. It's not right at all in the least and makes me so sad for women to have to endure. I honestly don't know how women put up with even 10% of what they do and, even more so, push beyond that and purposefully try to help others and make the world better in spite of it. Through cuddling or anything. I'm normally amazed by the power some of you have to do that. I think I would be too weak and become resentful and dark to the world in the same position.
My abusive point was trying to make a connection between the act of ignoring someone in general can be abusive. Um. Like giving someone the silent treatment on purpose for example in real life. I didn't mean pros were always abusive when they don't respond. Or any lack of response should be seen as abuse. Again, poorly worded and I was just bad all around at trying to express my point about that.
I'm not going to apologize for my opinions or ideas, but I do apologize for not being better at communicating them. I'm sorry if I upset anyone it was not my intent.
But like I said in an earlier post, there are people not getting any responses and pros getting slammed with more messages than can be dealt with sometimes and I think there's some middle ground to be found in there to improve the experience for both. Some of us would appreciate the "no thanks" as at least being seen as a person reaching out, and being able to click a simple button on your side to send the "no thanks" and then block further messages from me for x amount of time to not have to deal with even more messages or any backlash in general seems like it'd be helpful for you (the pros).
@OnTheJourney as much as I think you've been tagged to hell today and I probably shouldn't add another one. Thank you for responding. As I said in my last post I've never had a problem with you before today and I totally get what you're saying. I appreciate the clarification or in general deeper explanation. Its nice of you. You had to wade though a lot today.
@everyone I posted a video in a post entitled "If you're sad." It always brings tears to my eyes. Its very uplifting and I think people need to hear things like it about themselves more. Its really good slam poetry. So for everyone feeling... down, rejected, or just plain abused (more than likely from me) go listen to it. Its beautiful and I hope it helps people understand how special they are.
@stormydaycuddle and everyone, I'm simply crushed by the beautiful weight of connectedness, vulnerability, and gratitude for this experience.
Please everyone check out her post. More people need to know about Shane Coyczan's work.
Thank you all again for this gift of fellowship and knowledge.
I have question for consideration for the folks correlating messages on this website with common courtesy business practices:
If you were running a business across multiple platforms, and you have a limited amount of time and energy to respond to correspondence - are you going to always be able to respond to all messages 100% of the time in the order you receive them? Or are you going to triage and respond to return clients first, followed by those who seem most compatible and likely to lead to actual sales?
Because responding to electronic messages in bulk is NOT like greeting customers face to face, and equating not responding to a message to ignoring someone to their face is frankly incredibly naive. In an ideal world, I'm sure most of us would prefer to be attention to every message that deserves it - but deciding what messages are worth focusing our limited resources on can only be decided by ourselves. I can assure you that very few businesses are able to respond to 100% of their correspondence, particularly those inquires of low quality. A business is not likely to bother calling back a missed call that just says "hi, call me back" with no other details when they have higher priorities to attend to. Nor are they likely to respond to the email that looks like spam.
When we're reading through our messages, not just on this site but on any platform, many of us are probably gauging "is this likely to lead anywhere? Is this worth spending time on right now?" And if the answer is no, it may get tabled for "later" after we've attended the higher priorities. It's not so much rejection as dealing with the reality that time and energy are limited resources that we have to manage.
(Note: I know I'm not speaking for all pro cuddlers, but I've experienced this same phenomenon across multiple service industries, thus the "we" feels applicable because I know I am not the only one going through these processes)
It seems to me that pro-cuddlers are contractors, not employees. I am a client if they choose me to be. There is no obligation to respond. Unlike, for example, a message sent by a customer to a business or utility company which would have an expectation of a prompt reply.
@cuddlefaery exactly re messages being tabled for later . I'm not a pro but I currently have probably 20 or more messages that are sitting , many that I havent read. I have said this before in other threads that I am terrible sometimes about keeping in touch , even if I love the person dearly. It's never personal, just a time and energy thing. Sometimes I don't have the time to give something the time and attention it deserves, so I say to myself that I'll do it later. Then it ends up being buried and lost so out of site out of mind . And I regret that cus some of them are from people I admire and adore , so I am trying to do better with it.
@pmvines oooooh yeah, for me personally when you add in ADHD executive dysfunction and OOSOOM (out of sight, out of mind), it adds a whole other layer of complexity to the issue.
What I can promise is that I never intend to ignore messages. I'll fully intend to respond, and then get sidetracked and forget. Or the message will get bumped down by newer messages and notifications and buried. I personally do try to respond to as many messages as I can, but I'm not going to spend as much energy to respond to low quality or low effort messages as I will on ones where people obviously are expecting a reply (like if they ask a direct question about a service or something I said on the forums) or took time/effort to read my profile and send a personal message rather than copy paste.
I might quibble with you a bit. You said that you don't always reply to a message because you "don't have the time to give something the time and attention it deserves...." Yet, you obviously do have the time to post in the forum.
I would suggest, that, like most of us, you don't have time to do everything. You have the time to do that which is at the top of your priority list, and responding to messages isn't at the top of the list. Because you are free to choose what to put at the top of the list, you are essentially choosing not to reply to messages.
Btw, I wish that I received enough messages that I didn't have time to reply to them all.
@GreatHornedOwl I think that's more because of said "Low quality" messages. There's not a whole lot to glean from a "What's up...how you doing?" message and a barren profile.
If I were a pro, I could see immediately dismissing such messages over someone who had a fleshed out profile and sent a message that was interesting/heartfelt/informative. Essentially "Throw me a bone here, people!"
@GreatHornedOwl hmm, I do get where you're coming from but I'd say how we sort the energy in our lives is that we do what is best for us and our mental health. Its unfortunate things get passed over but I have to pass over a lot of things I'm sure people wish I did everyday. And I DO respond to my messages... usually within minutes. We cannot be expected to trade our energy for someone else's. If that makes sense? And I'm going to say that some of the good guys get passed over but if they're truly that good why is there resentment about it and not understanding? Life is energy exchange and some people just can't exchange their energy in that way to every stranger on the internet. So while prioritizing is a thing yes, no one here nor anywhere is going to trade their energy for everyone. It is an unfortunate fact of life. It shouldn't be one that breeds resentment. I get that it does. People feel like they aren't important enough. I'd argue that's ALMOST true. To a random stranger on the internet they aren't important enough. That doesn't mean they aren't valued as a human being. It means that a stranger couldn't exchange that type of energy that day. And in life energy is precious. While it doesn't feel good its not personal. And people shouldn't be expected to be slaves to their in boxes. Also, owl feel free to message me anytime. Hugs.
I'm going to go into something that isn't a reply to you.
Some messages here are genuine sensitivity. And some are resentment and apathy disguised as empathy which is strange to me. Can people not hear it in what they're saying? Its like me insisting the sky is blue but in fact I actually think its green. It comes through. You want empathy from people you're not willing to extend it to yourself. And we CAN hear it. That's why there are two sides to this.
I understand that a lot of Enthusiasts have expectations. @OnTheJourney specifically said that he expects a reply from Pros, it’s their responsibility. I don’t get very many messages, I do reply to all that I receive But! I’m in a very different situation than most Pros. I have more availability time. One thing it seems many of you posting haven’t learned yet, stop having expectations from those who don’t owe you. A boss, your children, other family members, close friends - of course it’s appropriate to expect certain behavior but why on earth would you think a complete stranger owes you something? Common courtesy is wonderful but not as easy to find, current culture is very different now. If you can’t accept that, then social media consisting of people you don’t know maybe isn’t the best place for you. I’m also wondering if you’re being really picky about who you’re contacting? Also, a lot of comments on here could be really helpful for you, but I’m wondering are you reading everyone’s comments or just skipping over them because you think you don’t agree with them?
@Calibrate715 & @stormydaycuddle - Let me clarify what I said. I was not being critical of @pmvines. Some messages are so trivial, that they aren't worth replying to, unless we have absolutely nothing else to do, if even then. I was pointing out that "I don't have time" is never the real reason for not replying to a message.
@carrieanne - I may be annoyed that the majority of the my messages don't get a response, but I know that I am never owed a response. What I do complain about are responses that are very impolite, such as "I prefer younger men," or even worse, "You're too old."
@GreatHornedOwl I guess what I mean is not enough quality time vs quantity. Perusing the forums and occasionally posting a thought or 2 is more passive than holding an actual conversation, or reading and responding to a multiple question or thought intensive direct message. It's a bit like having the TV on in the background but not really watching something that requires concentration or interest. It's more passive and less bandwidth used to write this one and done post for example than it is for me to continue a rapid pace , ongoing online conversation with somebody, or go into detail about what I did this week , or provide support and guidance for something that requires thought and tact. I'm at work right now putting out fires as I type this , and still have enough emotional energy to put into my work as well as this post . However , I want to not have distractions if I'm going to read and respond to something heartfelt from a loved one . They deserve my undivided attention. So it's less about spare time and more about what mental and emotional energy I have to spare. To be perfectly honest, sometimes I dont go into my inbox on here specifically because I know I won't have a chance to respond. I'm the same way with text messages, as I'm currently viewing that I have 26 unread texts . I never said I was good at multi tasking so there's also that.
@carrieanne yes, yes, and more yes. I would like to please hire you to speak on my behalf
@GreatHornedOwl I didn't take it personally no worries at all
@GreatHornedOwl, Oh I didn't think you were being critical and, from what I do know of @pmvines, he wouldn't be concerned if anyone criticized him lol
Your statement is sound - we can all make time. There is generally a reason behind someone not responding. For me, it's generally a creeper/a-hole vibe I might get and I trust my gut.
Woo! Only one @ for me so far today. 😂
Reading everyone's input though. Also, @Calibrate715 thanks for the compliment on my mustache 😊
@OnTheJourney - no problem! It says "I'm a gentleman and a scholar." 😁
@GreatHornedOwl I think you need to reread what I wrote. I specifically said we triage and prioritize where we spend our energy and time, and low quality, low effort messages from empty profiles are not going to rank very high on that list. As @pmvines said, typing a post here in the forums is something I can do in the background to other things - I can save a draft, return to it later, and post it whenever.
The same cannot be said for having a meaningful conversation, so unless someone wants me to respond back with an equally banal "hi, wuts up", it's going to take more concentration and focus to have an actual dialogue. When I sign in, I always check my messages first to see if I've received any in conversations I'm already in before I hit the forums. My priority is absolutely going to be towards the individuals with whom I've already made connections. But the messages on this site and others that are literally just "hi" or "I want to cuddle with you" at best, or something breaking TOS at worst? Not an immediate priority unless it's to report and block.
@cuddlefaery @stormydaycuddle @pmvines And others have made very valid points. I hope your comments are being read, I wonder because it seems nothing is being resolved here. Re: messages I receive, there are some that are so inappropriate/out of line, The sender doesn’t get a reply.
One person I messaged for a cuddle, she replied back saying your too old.
@Lynden If she didn't already, she should probably have a preferred age range in her profile.
@WriterGF I have it set in my stats but also just had to add to my profile as someone very young contacted me. In my instance, I explained to the other member I would prefer a 30+ cuddle partner as I just felt we had more in common to talk about.
I think the tone may be the issue here in regard to @Lynden. I hope the other member didn't simpy say "You're too old" because ouch🤦
@Calibrate715 Oh, I have heard other stories of older cuddlers getting terse messages like that. It's kind of funny that on a cuddling website there are people who really don't care about anyone else's feelings.
@WriterGF Yikes, better to just not respond if that's a person's go-to attitude. There are certainly some I don't respond to further if I'm getting weird vibes. But, even if someone hasn't paid attention to my profile, I'll try to at least offer some suggestions so they'll have success meeting someone else.
Lol my snark probably would have come out 😇😁
"You mean you're too young? I came first."
But seriously... My lower age limits in dating, cuddling preferences, teaching, life in general are FAR more strict than upper age limits. Sure, one can be mature for one's age, heaven knows I was, but so can someone retain childlike wonder, curiousity, playfulness... And I'd much prefer maturity + experience with childlike qualities than lack of experience and potential legality issues 🤣
@cuddlefaery I'm just in the phase of "Look, I don't do Insta/snap/tweet blah blah blah. I don't know who the hell is 'cool' in music anymore. I like quiet time with books and some very random Bacchanalia if I have an overnight sitter and one for the morning hangover." I truly can not have someone hugged up on me that I could have conceivably birthed or babysat because I have no idea what we'd talk about.
I suffer from clinical depression, I’ve been told flat out, “ I don’t like depressed people”! Made me feel just fantastic! It’s not something I can help, I was tempted to ask how they feel about people born a different color than them! Sometimes a hug can be life changing for someone like me!
@Matt462 That's terrible if that's how someone responded to you. I doubt any of us here have lived a life that's been untouched by our own mental health struggles or having someone close to us with them.
I think there can be concern in this dynamic unless someone is very clear as to the specifics of their mental/emotional struggles because these would be my concerns:
Is the person seeking help (therapy, medication, some form of socialization, developing hobbies/interests, etc.)?
Is there potential here that this person could develop an unhealthy attachment to me?
Could I be hindering their progress if they use cuddling as their only form of socialization?
In any case, I'd dive deeper into a conversation with the person before making a blanket statement like "I don't like depressed people."
3 out 7 responded this week. Man that George Clooney picture does wonders.