Divorcees - How best to support?

SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles
in General

Shout-out to all the divorcees on here...I would appreciate some advice.

Just wanting to know how best to support someone who is beginning the divorce process. Do's and don't's? What helped you most, what stupid trite things to avoid saying, heh... Anything like that.

I want to be there for someone in the best way I can be, and would appreciate guidance from those of you who have already been through it.

hugs Thanks, folks, and hang in there! 🫂

~ Sunset Snuggles

Comments

  • [Deleted User]MrAdmirer (deleted user)
    edited March 2023

    My divorce was JUST finalized last Monday. In my state, we have to be separated for a year before you can file.

    I was living alone for the first time in my life all last year. After a couple months, the loneliness got to me so I prematurely tried to start dating again. I just wasn't ready. I wish I discovered platonic cuddling back then.

    But, now that I did, I at least am grounded on reality. I accept that this is a platonic act. I know that no matter how good the session is, it is just platonic. I try to mix up the people I cuddle with so I do not become dependent on anyone or give myself a false impression that the person likes me more. That is something I would be on the look out for. We are vulnerable, especially if we were the ones rejected (I was). Fortunately, most of the trauma I suffered is gone. I don't need cuddling because I am vulnerable, depressed or weak. I need cuddling because I love to cuddle. It's 100% positive to me. But, not everyone thinks the same as me.

  • Cuddle_RNCuddle_RN

    I had to leave under duress, with 3 kids and 2 dogs, so all of this may not apply.

    Packing and moving help

    Help with kids/pets

    Texts/cards/phone calls/flowers from people, letting me know people cared about me and I wasn't alone in the universe.

    Help furnishing/outfitting a new residence. A lady from my church stepped in when my son was hospitalized right after I left my now ex-husband and asked me what kind of decor I liked. Every time I came home after that, there were new things I needed in my new place...a silverware organizer in a kitchen drawer, bowls and plates, floral patterned couches, bath mats, trash cans.

    Listening. I had a lot of verbal processing I needed to do and a friend had me over just to hang out, drink wine, and talk.

    I'll add more later if I think of anything.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I think the one thing I would say is that divorce is different for everyone and there aren't a lot of one size fits all answers. For some people, it's a lot of grief and loneliness, for others there might be relief mixed in that a bad situation is finally ending. If there are kids involved, and the person is going from seeing them every day to only seeing them part of the time, that leaves a really big hole. Add to that just the general disruption of life, financial worries, legal back and forth, and everybody has different aspects of it that trouble them the most.

    So do what Cuddle_RN recommends first: listen. That way, you will have a better idea of where the person is and where they need support.

  • Finnegan2017Finnegan2017
    edited March 2023

    Be a positive support. Everyone processes trauma differently, and divorce is trauma. Listen to your friend. They will let you know what they need from you, whether it's tangible, just an ear to chew or a shoulder to lean on.

  • _marC_marC

    Just offer support for when they wanna vent.

    Court ordered mediation is also very helpful and cost effective/free

  • JubalJubal

    Just offer support for when they wanna vent.

    Agreed. AND talk them down off the "ledge" when they're talking about doing something that the judge won't like!

  • [Deleted User]1_teddybear (deleted user)

    @SunsetSnuggles I actually am very gratified that an enthusiast has such a desire and an empathy to help a guy going through this. I am also recently divorced. For me, just you being an enthusiast cuddle partner is important given how men are treated in family court regarding money.

  • BearBear

    When I went through my divorce, the biggest thing was being social with somebody. Knowing who I could talk to and who was a friend.

    I suggest reaching out to them and just tell them that you’re there to talk or whatever is needed. Especially since everyone is different. They may need different levels of help.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs
    edited March 2023

    Active listening is what they typically need. They need to be heard. Married friends and family will usually avoid them and set their own invisible timer on their recovery. Also, if you start cuddling them they may try using you to try and put out the fire. When they actually do recover don't be surprised of they vanish. Breakups are among the most painful experiences ever and they will cling to anyone or in some cases, anything, for survival.

    If you are a skilled active listener then you will be a huge asset to a divorcee. But don't expect to gain a long term close friend or even cuddle buddy. That's rare.

  • KozyKimKozyKim

    I remember when I was going through a divorce and I told a friend he goes oh that must be hard. Those simple words I just really appreciate it. What I didn’t like was when people said wow finally, or yeah we didn’t like him anyway, or you’re better off. I chose to leave so those things could’ve seemed somewhat appropriate in peoples eyes. But I still love and cared about my ex-husband and I didn’t want anybody to say anything bad about him. I hope that helps💛

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 2023

    I am very happily single and divorced X 2. I don't feel that I need any special support or extra accommodating. Just living my best life and learning to love myself!

  • HollydollhugsHollydollhugs

    Letting them know you are there for them and listen more than speaking. It can be traumatic for some in the moment. I wish I had visualized myself 5 months out and taken more deep breaths.

  • OhioMikeOhioMike

    I am also happily single and divorced for awhile now. Any support I felt I needed was met thru the lawyers, accountants, family and friends. Ironically, I wouldn't be part of the CC Community if not for the divorce. That's how I got here .

    So now I am as happy as the sunlight, and glad to be here. @SunsetSnuggles your disposition is really great and I'm sure you will be supportive of this person and confident you will be a welcomed presence. 😊

  • KozyKimKozyKim

    I do think that divorce people need support from maybe outside the family. Maybe not long-term but while you’re going through it.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Offer the help they want, not the help you want to give.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Offer the help they want, not the help you want to give.

    This is actually fantastic advice. Nothing more annoying than someone who insists on helping, healing or showing how “compassionate” they are when you are down. This applies to any trauma.

  • achetocuddleachetocuddle

    I agree with FunCartel and CuddleDuncan and pmvines. Offers of unwanted help are the worst in all situations, at least for me. Those offers are often more about the person offering than the person going thru something. And I never felt like I needed accommodation because I got divorced, but I may have been unusually fortunate.

  • [Deleted User]Mman (deleted user)

    @SunsetSnuggles I have a plethora of divorce jokes that could be useful.
    But seriously, listening and understanding are helpful actions. Try not to offer solutions or personal opinions. Healing from the trauma has to come from within oneself.

  • [Deleted User]Calibrate715 (deleted user)

    @SunsetSnuggles I don't know that there's a specific way to handle the situation. There can be a lot of factors here - if the other person ended things, how rocky the relationship was prior, if any kind of abuse happened, their current mental health, if kids are involved, etc.

    Is this a person you know from CC or are we talking about someone you interact with regularly in your social life? I'd probably handle things a bit differently depending on how well I knew the person.

  • TNNativeTNNative

    @SunsetSnuggles ... what a generous and caring person you are. ♥️

    I agree with @CuddleDuncan. Just ask what you can do to be helpful to them. If they say they are okay, then remind them you would like to help if and when the need arises.

  • KatotaKatota
    edited March 2023

    For me, I actually WANTED to get a divorce...😁

    I guess that's why it wasn't such a "terrible experience" for me emotionally. Plus I married for the wrong reasons, I know that now and I know that I will never marry again.

    No thank you.😌

    I think the hardest part (of separation to divorcing) was finally accepting that my ex wasn't ever going to pull his weight when it came to his parental responsibility towards my son (yep, I said "MY SON" cuz that "our son" nonsense left me years ago😉).

    My divorce lawyer told me something that I'll never forget:

    "If your husband was NOT contributing anything of monetary value to the household during the marriage, he likely won't contribute anything monetarily during (and after the divorce)". He was right, I thank him for teaching me that. Pretty sad, the obvious didn't come to me beforehand right? Lol!😆
    Then my lawyer strongly recommended that I request Child Support which I did, and of course that didn't last long.

    Eh, it happens.🤷‍♀️

    Been single parenting my son physically, financially and emotionally ever since. Well, if you wanna get technical my being a single parent actually started DURING the marriage as well.😆

    Other than that, getting through the whole divorce experience wasn't so bad for me.😉

  • [Deleted User]HolisticHoney_ (deleted user)

    I would say to encourage them to seek therapy if needed and ask them directly how you can support them. There is a huge grieving process with divorce and with grief comes anger & feelings of being isolated. Be compassionate and ask them how you can help. Check in on them if they isolate. Don’t ever make assumptions about how they might feel or what they may need. This is grief 💕

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