As a married cuddler myself, (ten years and counting) I agree that there are boundaries that should be set, although I suppose I am one of the lucky ones. My husband knows about what I do and fully supports me, having been a person who mentioned it in the first place. He knows my personality and also knows that I have boundaries with my clients. The people I have come across in person have all been very respectful of my marriage. I also make sure to book only during days and times that I am alone at home so that my clients aren't uncomfortable with someone else in the house. It's a bonding experience that you can't take for granted and is a little ruined if it's not just the two of you.
My perspective on this is going to be different methinks, seeing as I am bisexual (so the gender of cuddle partner does not factor) and have been happily ethically non-monogamous now for over a decade (so the relationship status of myself or my cuddle partner does not factor).
First off, I'd like to point out that almost all the arguments thus far presented in this thread have been solely an issue because of the assumption of heterosexuality, mixed gender cuddle partners, and monogamous marriages. And if there's one thing the past 50 some odd years have shown (at least in Western European based cultures, including the U.S.), those supposed standards of society aren't as standard as we once thought. Humans are wonderfully diverse, and how we arrange ourselves in various relationship structures is no different.
Personally, my cuddling whether as enthusiast or pro are deeply rooted in informed consent and boundary practices. And one boundary that I have in my relationships that translates to cuddling is this - I have zero desire to be used as an unwitting tool in someone else's harmful lie to their partner, so I ask those engaging with me to not place me in those situations. A lot of that is going to be subjective and up to their interpretation, and yes - it relies upon trust. But trust has to start somewhere, and if they cross that boundary then I obviously can remove myself from the situation accordingly.
I think I'm one of the lucky ones in the fact that my hubs sees that I need more cuddles than he can keep up with and agrees this is right up my alley. He supports my endeavors and I couldn't be happier about it. Additionally, this is a platonic site, I'm not seeking anything outside of making that person feel their best and cared for, for the time they are in my arms. I've asked people in public if I can give them a hug if they look like they've seen better days... He (hubs) knows my heart.
Interesting discussion and I have to agree with the guy who mentioned that marriage does not always come with great cuddling, especially, speaking for myself, after 28 years with my spouse. Do we love one another? Yes. Is the physical part of the relationship fantastic, like it was when we were much younger? No. Do I need more physical touch than my wife? Yes. Still, I have contacted pro cuddlers who have a problem cuddling with a married person unless their partner is aware. I'm not sure I need to involve my spouse. Any thoughts?
@buzzroll Having already been through this hellscape of a discussion I'll say this. Pro or enthusiast - heck, even just a friend of yours may feel doing any activity without your spouse's knowledge is a ticking timebomb.
You could, after the fact, explain to your wife it was all platonic but there is no guarantee your wife would believe you or react calmly. From my perspective, you're asking another person to risk possible harassment or harm because you want to cuddle.
I've been approached by several men in your situation and my advice is always the same. Be honest with yourself and your spouse about your needs. It's the dishonesty - not the need to cuddle - that will trigger a negative reaction from your spouse.
I am not nor have I ever been married, but a large percentage of my clientele do have spouses. There were times I felt weary of being "the other woman" but generally, these husbands wanted the same thing everybody else needs -- healthy physical touch, healing, presence, safety, sensuality -- and it just wasn't an option with their wives. I began to understand that perhaps their relationships could better flourish if they were getting these needs met by someone who could hold space in healthy ways. That said, I don't pry or even need to know what relationships you do or don't have outside of our session. Some might be ENM/poly and some might not even tell their wife about their extracurricular cuddles, but either way, they are paying for a service. It's my job to show up fully, openly, completely, in non-judgmental ways. Their marriages will not be fixed nor broken because of me, but maybe their hearts will be more open by the time I'm done.
I just pity them if they are married.
@FunCartel LOL
@Calibrate715 " It's the dishonesty - not the need to cuddle - that will trigger a negative reaction from your spouse."
Totally THIS
What's sad is, I wish I could have discovered this site before I got a divorce. I have a great need for cuddling and the (ex) spouse was a polar opposite. This came out during the counselling sessions of course. It was one of the major things that gave me a deep feeling of rejection from her. If I knew this site existed and got her approval to do it, perhaps it would have provided me the closeness I need and saved our marriage. I suppose it might not have worked, because it was odd that she would get very jealous of me if I was talking to a woman, but her talking to any guy was ok.
Oh well....at least now I am free to cuddle any time...haha
@JusticeJane I think that's where the misunderstanding keeps coming - the idea that perspectives like mine are from a place of judgement. They're not; I simply have no desire to invite drama into my life. A single person or a cuddler with a partner that's aware of me carries far less risk for me.
I'd also consider it too much of a risk to cuddle anyone that:
Displays angry, misogynistic, racist, etc. views on the site.
Makes it obvious they're looking for non- platonic meetups.
Shows callous disregard for other members here.
Uses cuddling as their only social outlet.
I'm an enthusiast, happily married with a partner that is aware of me being on CC, and consider this a way to experience positive platonic touch when he's gone for long periods. By engaging in cuddling with any of the above scenarios, I'd be going against my own boundaries for the sake of someone else's needs (or wants).
I think some other cuddlers feel my stance is a judgement on their morals but I am only speaking for myself in terms of risk assessment. Who you or other people choose as cuddle buddies doesn't affect my life so there's no judgement.
@MrAdmirer I think your situation is very common in terms of people making assumptions about how their partner may react. I've experienced this in my own marriage where my husband was afraid to tell me things and when he finally did I just said "Ok." Lol. Literally no anger - I was in a state of peace because I respected his honesty and was glad to be his safe space.
It was so strange to me that he felt scared to tell me and, after the fact, he even said "I don't know why I was being so stupid. You're the least judgemental person I know. I was just scared." It actually hurt me that he spent so long beating himself up for something I was totally accepting of and could understand.
I wouldn't devote too much time to thinking about the "what-if's" of your marriage. At least you now know to love and accept yourself fully and the importance of being honest with a future partner 😊
@Calibrate715 yes, It is indeed time for me to move on, I think your attitude is spot on. Communication is the most important part of any relationship, even platonic. I've noticed that the younger generation seems to be way more open minded and accepting. I think the concepts of marriage and monogamy are becoming obsolete. My nephew has been with same woman for over a decade now and they have no plans to marry.
Back in my (and my parents) day, marriage really was about "until death do you part", which looking at it now is rather dumb. I know several people that stayed in horrible marriages as a result.
@MrAdmirer Not so much "move on" but lend yourself grace and appreciate what it taught you about yourself. I used to look back at my first marriage and beat myself up because I accepted a lot of things I shouldn't have. But it caused me to now trust my instincts and set boundaries - and also to know I'm worthy whether my needs/wants align with someone else's. I think life has to kick our a**es sometimes before we get to that point of self-awareness.
And yes - marriages were designed to work that way and phew have I witnessed some disasters because of it. This isn't me saying "cut & run" when things get hard. Rather the opposite - learn to grow together. It can be an amazing journey.
@Calibrate715 what's sad is, that's what I genuinely tried - I grew as a person and tried so hard to make it work. At the end of the day she just wasn't one to communicate and let her feelings come out, at least not to me. I guess it was all too late.
But, I spent all last year beating myself up, regretting the split and feeling guilty about not living with the kids. But I have since learned to accept it and have had a big look at what I learned about myself. Being alone for a year will do that to anyone. I now know exactly who I am and how I will move forward and approach any new relationship.
My wife and I have built a strong marriage with no foundation on the physical. She asked me in 2018 to cease intimacy. It took me two years to say yes. She was concerned about discomfort and is always concerned about germs. Til then, intimacy was always perfunctory, clinical, and devoid of spontaneity. The same applies to all forms of affection. Me being the guy who grew up running barefoot outside and couldn't talk to anyone without touching them, it was hard adjusting to this, but of course I was more concerned with research and growth than chasing women in my twenties. Since that aspect of our lives have been laid to rest, our marriage has only gotten stronger. I can see she had always been fearful and now that weight is off her shoulders. I have no desire to sleep around to fill the gap; however, I still crave human touch. She endured two more years because I asked permission to supplement. I wish I had just said yes, no problem when she asked. Forgive me for being human. I came back to this site never having cuddled and really never expecting to because I know that one people know I'm married, the word platonic goes out the window.
I intentionally leave my relationship status off my profile. Am I single? Am I married? Am I dating? Am I a Martian disguised as a human trying to learn about earths culture? I'll be happy to explain if asked, but largely I find that it just doesn't matter. I once made a T-shirt that said "FREE HUGS". I would get hugs from random people all day, everywhere I went. Women and men of all ages (with obvious consent from parents if they were children) would run/walk up to me and we'd just hug. Sometimes long, sometimes short, but always it was amazing! I see this site as quite similar. Sometimes we just need to be touched and feel the love from other humans regardless of our attachments. Yes well have our reasons...but most folks don't need to get permission from a significant other before shaking a hand or getting/offering a hug.
All well-said @Calibrate715 .
@Originalirish To a point, I get what you're saying but me giving a handshake/hug to you is different from you privately coming to my home and us being intertwined for hours at a time.
One situation is acceptable in public at almost any time. Us cuddling - as platonic as it may be - is decidedly more intimate.
As a pro I’d consider it a red flag if a cuddle request includes commentary on my relationship status (unless they’re like “me too” or something), as their mindset is clearly not seeing it as a platonic service.
@Eileen_98144 This question must be asked. Are you a fan of Dexy’s Midnight Runners?
I choose not to be involved, in any way, with people in a relationship with a man that I don’t know personally, and trust.
I understand that the overall percentage of protective/possessive/violent men is fairly low, but it only takes one to put me into jail, a hospital, or a grave.
And they don’t wear neon signs.
It seems like there are a lot of married people cuddling with others with their partner's approval and I think that's great. They all say, "just ask your partner, there's no harm in asking." But there's no way that can be the case all the time. What about the people that asked their partner and it did not go well, or they know their partner would not approve so now they are in the position of needing to suppress their desire to cuddle with others. Are any of those people willing to share their experience, or are they not even on this site reading these posts anymore because they asked and it did not go well. There's some people that don't even want their spouse going to a mental health therapist. What should that person do in that situation?
@CharlestheLame D*mn straight
I know pro cuddlers who have several romantic partners. I don't know if that's more or less trollable. I think they deal with all kinds of crap just by being women and professional cuddlers.
Cuddling is often one of those unspoken no-nos in a conventional marriage. I've said before, the fact that when I got married I effectively vowed to never cuddle another woman for the rest of my life is shocking to me now. I don't often make life-long promises in front of a hundred gathered family and friends, let alone ones that I don't fully understand the implications of and can't keep. Married men who need cuddles and want to live a more cuddly life, but know that even talking about it with their life partner is an emotional minefield—and know that society at large would defend their spouse's hair-trigger reactions—are out of integrity and have a lot of internal conflict going on, conscious or not. So that's where the lashing out comes from, I think. When married, I felt like I couldn't even have female friends. The level of suspicion, the broadness of the how she ultimately defined "emotional cheating"...
On the subject of pros taking married clients (though it's not the original topic)... I think it is perfectly valid for pros to make their own decisions and rules for themselves about who they will take as a client (e.g. no married clients), but I also really value @JusticeJane 's attitude. Even though I'm divorced now, I'm glad there are (and always will be) pros who don't need to know their client's relationship status.
Massage therapists don't ask about a client's relationship status. This is because massages are less intimate than cuddles, right? Well, do you think married men all have "permission" from their wives to get a massage from a female massage therapist? Hopefully most do, but given my experience, I wouldn't be surprised if there is some drama around it for some fraction of married couples, say 10% or 20%. Massage therapists who felt responsible for their client's relationship issues would need to do something about this. But they don't.
I also realize now that it's important for a healthy relationship that while I can tell my partner I'm getting a massage, or a cuddle (I know it's within our agreements), I don't have to. Getting a massage, or cuddling, on my own time, with my own money, and not mentioning it is not "keeping secrets." It's basic human autonomy.
Yet this is the kind of advice you'll find online about getting a massage while in a romantic relationship:
When it comes to whether a massage is cheating, you’ll find people who adamantly say “yes,” “no,” and every shade of “depends” in between. After all, the “hands on” nature of a massage and lack of clothing can really blur the lines for some couples. If you’re unsure whether your massage is part of your healthcare routine or bordering on an affair, just answer these simple questions: Is it hidden? First and foremost, does your partner know you’re going for a massage? If not, why not? How would they react if they found out about the massage? If they knew that your massage therapist was someone of the opposite sex, would they still give you the green light? Anytime you think about keeping something secret from your spouse (except that surprise trip to Costa Rica), think again. If you’re going for a massage, that fact should be on the table.
When it comes to whether a massage is cheating, you’ll find people who adamantly say “yes,” “no,” and every shade of “depends” in between. After all, the “hands on” nature of a massage and lack of clothing can really blur the lines for some couples.
If you’re unsure whether your massage is part of your healthcare routine or bordering on an affair, just answer these simple questions:
First and foremost, does your partner know you’re going for a massage? If not, why not? How would they react if they found out about the massage? If they knew that your massage therapist was someone of the opposite sex, would they still give you the green light? Anytime you think about keeping something secret from your spouse (except that surprise trip to Costa Rica), think again. If you’re going for a massage, that fact should be on the table.
Later in the article, there is a section entitled, "What to do when your spouse says no" that suggests hearing them out, involving them by making it a couples massage, or letting them pick the therapist and schedule the appointment.
If this is the level of caution, and enmeshment, when it comes to handling someone's culturally-licensed jealousy and insecurity, around a massage... I mean, draw your own conclusions, I guess. Maybe it's all the more reason to give unexamined conventional marriages a wide berth. In a professional context, maybe it's all the more reason to not try to base one's own actions on someone else's relationship dynamics which may be incredibly complicated and fraught regardless, and they are the only ones who can make some kind of attempt at doing so. I'm not judging anyone here; no one should cuddle anyone unless they want to, whether pro or enthusiast. If I have animosity in this, it's directed at monogamous norms, for making it take so long for me to realize what I actually consider reasonable and healthy in a relationship.
Thanks for reading.
Thanks Frankparker for such a thorough look at this. It's helping me answer a lot of questions that I have on this topic. It's funny how people are typically such huge advocates of self care and getting emotional support, but then cuddling or even having an emotional connection with someone is seen as a major violation of trust. So the message is, take care of yourself, you're worth it, you deserve it, but then you have to be lonely and not connect with other people in really close ways. Whether it's on this site, or a pen pal website, most women won't even talk to me because I am married.
@ManOutdoors I can relate, and thank you!
@ManOutdoors It's not the cuddling I'd have a problem with - it's the aspect of someone being dishonest with their spouse/partner. I think that's when cuddling/messaging becomes a "violation of trust." A lie of omission is still a lie, any way you slice it.
I guess if I couldn't be honest with my spouse about my needs/wants, my focus would be on building that communication. I don't believe I'd be seeking out strangers for cuddling/talks - at least as a long-term resolution. A therapist would be in a different category, of course.
There are 2 types of married cuddlers on this website: 1. The person whose spouse knows 2. The person whose spouse is completely unaware.
I think as long as you communicate with your spouse, and they are not oppose to the idea than it’s fine.
Often times people that are married or in long term relationships may not cuddle, or want to for that matter, so therefore they will not feel disrespected and if they get to a place where they feel uncomfortable or disrespected any loving spouse or partner would discontinue their activities on Cuddle Comfort and similar sites.
I agree with both sides of the conversation, which I know might sound contradictory to some. I hope that people can see that it's not always that simple of "Just talk to your spouse about it". I don't think there is anyone that likes the idea of their spouse being unaware of their cuddling. It's great there are so many people on here with significant others that are supportive of their cuddling. Let's remember that not everyone has it that way, and let's not be too quick to judge others who are finding ways to get their needs for connection met. I do like the suggestion to work on the communication, but obviously it takes time and a lot of work and cuddling can actually provide the support someone needs to show up better in their relationship.
To be clear, I didn't mean anything I said to support "lies of omission" in a marriage. If your spouse does consider themself to need to be informed of your every slightly emotionally or physically intimate action with members of the applicable gender or genders, or else they need to never find out, you are screwed IMO. The truth will come out, and the marriage will end. That's just my expectation.
I didn't engage in any cuddling while married until after my ex-wife and I tried opening our relationship, for what it's worth.
I didn't know about this site when I was married. But I can guarantee my ex would never have believed this was platonic.
@ManOutdoors In terms of relationships where people don't have it "that way" then cuddling others likely isn't the real issue(s). There are reasons one party feels they can't speak what's on their mind or in their heart.
One scenario could be having a close-minded, domineering partner. Another could be the spouse is afraid to talk about it because of their self-imposed shame. Religion, upbringing, fear or guilt in general can lead us to assume a person will react a certain way. I'd also have to consider the unknowing partner is struggling with their own issues that leave them emotionally shut down.
And while I understand cuddling another person can be relaxing and help build confidence, my concern is some people choose not to make progress past that point. It feels good and provides a temporary safe haven for them. And that's all well and good if it leads them to some personal growth and self-awareness. Conversely, it can also halt growth because it provides a quick, feel-good fix that doesn't require someone to face their fears.
Ultimately, if you make a commitment to someone I feel you have to be honest about your needs. Otherwise, you're not being your authentic self. You're also removing their choice to be in the relationship because they're operating based on a false impression.
People talk about wanting a genuine connection with their partner where they're free to be themselves. I just can't rationalize how prolonged deception leads to that goal. Beyond that, holding onto secrecy/guilt colors everyone's actions. I don't think there's a "perfect" method to growth but if deception is a building block for it, I don't foresee it working out well🫤