In my experience, dating apps are a very backwards way of meeting people. You are just going off of a two dimensional and still representation of them. I haven’t been on the apps since 2019. When I was dating, I was 23/24 and you would think as an attractive woman in that age range that I would have an easy time, but I spent the better part of the year going on many dates and hitting dead ends. Sometimes it didn’t work out because the guy was not interested in having a relationship or at least not one with me. Sometimes we just didn’t click and often times I found that the person was just not as attractive in real life as they were in their photos. Like one time I went on a date with a guy who looked 20 years older than his profile picture, and his stated age. He invited me on a date to a bar in his neighborhood to meet for drinks only to find out that he was sober and did not drink but insisted that I should order a drink.
I have been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years now and we met on OkCupid, but the only reason it worked out is because I already knew him from high school. I was not attracted to his photos, but decided to chat with him because I hadn’t caught up with anyone from high school in a long time. I found him to be much more attractive when I met him in person. It’s really hard to sort through people and decide if you like them. Some people who are attractive in real life, don’t look so great on camera and vice versa let alone trying to figure out their personalities and if you will actually click well
During my dating journey, I spent a lot of time getting excited over people only so then feel let down and heartbroken, until I found a new person to get excited about. It was a nonstop, emotional roller coaster.
One of the major problems of dating apps that nobody ever talks about is the person making the choice of whether to swipe left or right is invariably an idiot. (Why yes, I've used them a lot, since you ask.)
Idiot is perhaps a bit harsh. But we are all subject to repeating patterns, and the problem with the apps is that they often reinforce patterns. Those patterns also inform the photos we take and choose, the text we write. The unconscious cues therein click with people who have equal and opposite cues, and so many people find themselves meeting an endless success of matches who are all commitment-phobes or whatever their bugbear is.
To put it another way, if you're fed up of dating knobheads, then stop dating knobheads. A dating app won't help you do that: most likely it will just provide you with a handsome supply of knobheads.
@xandriarain I don’t feel attractive in photos or in person, but the only person I ever had a huge crush on in person rejected me, not based on looks, but because of my personality (or she told me that to spare my feelings, which had the opposite effect cause rejecting me based on looks would have been much easier to handle.) it made me feel like I am great bestie material, but nothing beyond that, which I am ok with because I love being a bestie and don’t need anything more. I just need my brain to get the memo so I don’t develop crushes cause that is annoying.
Edit: Also not hate to my friend. She is an amazing person and just didn’t have those feelings for me, which I’d never fault anyone for.
Ok, I'd told myself I wasn't going to throw my 2 cents in but darn it, I can't fight it any more.
Long post, sorry 😅 we all know, I'm verbose - maybe we should make it $2.00 lol
Unlike apparently everyone else, I actually have a neutral to positive view of the dating apps and a positive view of online dating in general. Perhaps it's because of the combination of my personality, timing of when I started interneting, and particular niches in the dating world...but I'm fairly certain a large part of it is due to my approach as well.
I truly enjoy using dating apps to meet new people whether to go on dates, end up as friends, or just end up chatting for awhile. Between my odd work hours and health issues, and social anxiety, normal "dating" has generally not been of interest to me.
I generally approach online dating as "let's connect, get to know each other, build a friendship. If emotional intimacy develops, awesome. If there's physical chemistry, wonderful. If we hit it off and date, fantastic. If a longer-term relationship develops, that's adding sprinkles to my already really great cupcake." I try to enter each interaction with as little expectations as possible, all the way up through meeting in person and starting going on dates - nothing is assumed, everything is negotiated and discussed. Without assumptions and expectations, there's no pressure and fewer disappointments or hurt feelings. Will I still sometimes get more attached than them and it'll hurt when things don't work out? Absolutely. But I don't view any relationship, platonic/romantic/sexual or otherwise, as needing to last forever to be worthwhile and fulfilling. I'd rather let a relationship develop organically and run its course without predetermined expectations and labels than try to force it into something that won't be authentic. And I'm always super upfront about my philosophies on this - on my dating profiles, in messaging before meeting, and at first meets - I want to make sure we are on the same page so that they aren't having unspoken expectations that will lead to hurt feelings as well. I'd rather over communicate than leave things unsaid and regret it.
Are there a lot of assholes who use dating apps? Absofreakinlutely. My inboxes can be comical to horrific. But I place the blame firmly with the people, not the tool. Tools require skills, and a lot of people don't bother to learn the skills - they just jump in and assume that online dating will work the same as in-person. It won't. There's a separate set of intra and interpersonal skills necessary to navigate online dating successfully - you have to learn how to write accurate profiles that attract the type of person you want, you have to know how to filter potential matches, you have to know how to communicate via text effectively, you have to know how to translate online interaction to in-person interaction, etc. They're skills I learned over the past almost 20 years of using the internet as my primary form of socializing and connecting with new groups. It took time, trial and error, research, self-awareness, therapy, and persistence.
Online/app dating isn't going to be for everyone, just like the bar scene isn't, or getting set up on blind dates isn't, or meeting through work isn't. Your best method is going to be the one that utilizes your strengths and is in a format or environment you are most comfortable interacting in so that you can be at your most confident and authentic. If you are not already primarily socializing online and aren't willing to do the work to learn the ins-and-outs of those skills, you're not going to have a good time in the dating apps - just like how I LOATHE the bar/club scene and feel incredibly self conscious and out of my element. I get exactly zero attention in bars because it is not my ideal platform - but online I have had no problem finding plenty of highly compatible matches because I'm able to shine. YRMV.
@cuddlefaery 💯
Personally, I've never used a dating app, though all of my relationships have begun online...but I agree with your approach, entirely!
~ Sunset Snuggles
@CuddleDuncan - Please excuse my ignorance. or prhaps it's age related. but what is the significance of swiping left, or swiping right?
@xandriarain As an attractive woman I would still think you would have dating challenges, but they’d be different. Not a lack of attention or potential dates but filtering through too many people, potentially decent folks who might be too insecure to date you, and other issues. I know I’m not an attractive woman, but that’s what it looks like as an average looking minority male.
Dating apps are hard - it’s mostly having the right look and having a catchy profile description. If you’re not getting matches, work on this. But that’s just getting the date. The actual date is also hard - you have to make a good impression fast because your date, like you, also has atleast 5 other matches that actively want to go out with them. No one’s going to get to know you unless there’s an immediate spark.
Everyone seems to be hooking up, yet you can’t be honest if hooking up happens to be what you’re looking for. When I mentioned I was looking for something short term, or just seeing where it goes, I’d get immediately unmatched or ghosted. But it’s okay to say you’re looking for something short-term AFTER you’ve had the date and especially okay of there is a spark.
It’s also stressful to message people. I feel like I have to artificially be extra flirty just to keep their attention. Additionally, I also I feel like if you forget to message them for a day, they forget about you and re-messaging them back doesn’t result in a response. Meanwhile on CC, I can message someone I haven’t messaged in months and they’ll respond, often exuberantly.
@sunnysideup Sounds like accurate knowledge earned through a lot of good effort.
@jimboslice5014 I got on a few dating apps but could never go thru with it and didn't feel like I missed anything. Probably continuing your education, if possible, is a better way to meet people. Or a dance or exercise class. One of my fave relationships was a set-up. I still think letting everyone you feel comfortable with know that you wouldn't be averse to being set-up is a good way. It's a long shot, but lots of things can be long shots. One time I emailed an author that was going to be in town, bought him lunch and spent the afternoon walking with him (his books are about doing things outdoors). It did not even turn into a friendship, but I felt like it made me a more knowable person. And it made talking to the next person I was interested in easier. Definitely get out of your comfort zone without doing anything dangerous.
@achetocuddle posted: "get out of your comfort zone without doing anything dangerous."
Yes! Love this. 😎
Alovoa has a free client but it's garbage. they all garbage tbh... @KaaGee
It's not the apps, it's the people that use them.
Totally based. Alovoa is just a tinder clone when you get down to it, and I rejected tinder due to it's proprietary nature more than it's misanthropy-fuel of a luserbase. Guys might want to try Alovoa, prepare to be disappointed. Girls might feel overwhelmed by choice But what else can you expect from a centralized site that tries to pretend to be free software by hosting a GPL licenced electron client with 3400 girls and 21000 guys. I think Gay guys who love free software might have a chance at finding love on there. but I don't know anyone personally so I can't shill any success stories ^^. Perhaps someone could create a competitor based on mastodon or diaspora, integrate a matrix real-time chat and have a truly federal competitor to what is clearly a failed attempt to liberate the world of online dating. This is just an idea for any free software developers out there, I have my own NEET software to deal with amongst other things.
@SunsetSnuggles I agree I love meet up groups. I belong to art groups dancing astronomy hiking backpacking. Even though I haven’t had much time for them it’s a great way to meet people. They even have single groups and foodie groups. The nice thing about Meetup is it looks like you’re just coming together to meet with all kinds of people, there’s families, married people, it doesn’t seem like the desperate situation of dating apps to me. Where you can just be yourself not trying to impress anyone.
I think it would be fun if you were someone that likes games to go to one of those board game social clubs where you can pull out a game and play with random people. That sounds like so much fun. Hope you find A friend that turns into something more.💛
@GreatHornedOwl When you are on a dating app like Tinder, swiping left means you are uninterested in them, physically swiping their profile off your screen with your finger. Swiping right means you like them and hope they match with you by swiping right on your profile as well.
@KozyKim My first MeetUp in January was a game night and I had so much fun!! I've gone to two, now. 🃏🎲 Nicest people, and often introverts like me...they really "get it" and have just been so sweet and welcoming.
I find it extremely hard on dating apps, so difficult when you all have to go off is some photos and a short introduction about themselves and sometimes they don't even write anything on their profile which makes it harder. I have only been on a few dates with people from the dating sites, I have made a few friends but haven't found someone I really connect with yet
@SunsetSnuggles I was just about to go to one right before the pandemic started. I may have to bring one of my nerd/introvert friends and check it out.
@KozyKim Do it! Or if our paths cross, let's hit one together! 🤓
@SunsetSnuggles I have been to board game meetups and they are so much fun!
Nope, met my wife on a dating app.
I have never had success meeting people through groups. I tend to be uncomfortable in those kinds of situations and I'm not the type to strike up conversations with strangers. All but one of my romantic relationships started online before moving offline.
Dating apps do make me feel bad, but the same can be said for any kind of social media. Best to be in touch with your feelings and unplug when you need to.
Funny story. A long, long time ago, EHarmony used to advertise that they guaranteed being able to match you up with the perfect match due to their long and very personal questionnaire. So, being the lonely person that I was, I went through the entire screening process, confident I'd find my new partner. At the end of the personality profile, I received a message stating that they would be unable to match me with anyone. Talk about a blow to a fragile ego!
@Finnegan2017 ahaha Aww you're just that amazing and special, no one out there can keep up! 😎
@SunsetSnuggles That would be funny if it wasn't proving to be true...
@Finnegan2017 I agree with Sunset Snuggles.
@Finnegan2017 I'm blackpilled too on dating sites, good thing i never paid for any. A complete waste of an investment especially if you are NEET, Hikikomori or any other type of person normies consider to be autistic enough to want nothing to do with you!
Dating apps suck but make me feel good. Lot's of crazy & unattractive users that make me feel better about myself. Just laugh & swipe left. LOL
@hikikomorichan I couldn't help but think of the enthusiasts scenario here 🤣🤣🤣
@kinny Lol, there is that.
Only dating app that I felt had less scammers and a real community like this one wqs an app called feeld. But definitely not everyone's cup of tea 🤣
Interesting post!! I have not been on dating apps and am wondering what kind of scams do happen on dating apps? Would like to get some enlightenment here?
My best advice would be to join a group that does something you enjoy. Meet up does have a lot of things, and a lot of events but sometimes it's hard to meet people. You can't really go there just to meet people you have to go for something you enjoy. Shared experiences is one of the best ways to bond, so I recommend joining a pickleball League or book club or doing something that you enjoy. I agree that dating sites can be pretty rough. There's so many guys on dating sites that have given women a difficult experience. Plus there's so many men on dating sites. It causes a lot of paranoia for the women that are dating. Plus with so many options, I don't think they value people as much as they should.