In terms of the premise, I would say that the strongest thing a man can do is not to talk, but to make a plan and act on it.
Ditto @1_teddybear
Men tend to think; internalize, strategize. The Great Achilles let his sword do the talking for him.
I love when men are action oriented. It’s nice to watch, particularly when they make the right decisions.
@pmvines Thank you!
Anyone ever see the work Jason Wilson does at the Cave of Adullam? Good stuff. There was a documentary on espn.
All that, “man of action” stuff aside…
trigger warning: Suicide
Men commit suicide at a rate 3.5 times higher than women. 7 out of 10 suicides are men, and of those suicides committed by men, nearly 9 of 10 are men between the ages of 45-65. “Middle-aged”. Researchers believe that the determining factors are perceived expectations, “failure” to succeed or exceed those expectations, lack of social network, fatigue, and diminishing physical ability.
In short, men that feel they are not competent, needed, respected, and capable become despondent, feel they have no support, become tired of “fighting”, and essentially give up.
So, while I UTTERLY understand the “tough guy, strong guy, get things done guy” attitude, it simply isn’t sustainable as men age.
Reach out.
Get help.
Preferably professional help, which IS available in most places via city/county/state/national mental health agencies.
Toughing it out is a path of failure, long term.
Whenever I’ve talked about personal ailments i usually get two responses:
1) I need to eat better exercise need to take vitamins 2) you need assisted living
So, after hearing that, so many times it’s like OK I already know what the response is going to be so I don’t even bother anymore. I just ride until the wheels fall off. It’s like nobody wants to hear anybody’s problems and if you’re a man and you’re complaining well then you’ve just took yourself down an notch and again I’m only speaking from my personal experience.
Never have I heard someone say well let me help you or this is what I can help you with. It’s always put back on me like I need to do this I need to do that OK I get that but maybe I need a little help but nobody’s willing to help.
Maybe I just like to rest up on the side of the road for a little bit and get a little bit of encouragement to get me back going on track but nobody thinks of it that way
As a man or woman you do need to toughen up and be strong. Yes it's ok regardless of gender to show emotion ,talk, be companionate and empathetic but society is starting to get carried away. Most of them who "hold it in" are holding a grudge and looking for revenge at a later time.
Don’t overdo it though. Men still gotta be men.
@CharlesInWI said "Toughing it out is a path of failure, long term."
Far from it. Toughing it out is how you forge civilization out of a cold, desolate wilderness. It's how you win wars. Deciding to transform into squishes decades later is the path to failure.
@lonelytauros let me help you with that
Heard it first from me
Talking is crucial, finding some to listen is the tricky part.
@TxTom - I understand the point you are making but I think the difference is long term vs short term. I grew up on a farm and was taught the solution to every injury was “walk it off and get back to work” or my favorite advice from my dad… “rub some dirt on that to stop the bleeding.”
There is definitely a time and place to be tough and power through, “soldier on”, or whatever phrase you want to use. However, I agree with @CharlesInWI that long term, this is not sustainable. I speak from my own experience on this. I was emotionally numb for a large part of my life but nobody could question my “toughness”, I accomplished a LOT during that time in terms of formal education, career and awards / recognition but it came at a very high personal price.
I was in that “tough it out” mode for too long. It took a serious toll on me. I now have the ability to shift into “tough it out” mode when needed but I no longer live there. I am much better off physically and emotionally now that I understand how and when to turn it on and off.
As a hospice social worker I do see a lot of men , particularly older men, who don't know how to process, express, or resolve their grief. I see this with women as well , however more often with men. The ones who are able to talk about it, and the ones who couldn't before but learn how to talk about it, do stand a better chance of being able to adequately cope in a healthy manner .
It is incredibly hard, and maybe impossible, to be healthy in a toxic environment.
The world is big, and hard, and heavy.
The very idea that anyone can “tough it out” alone is ludicrous.
It turns out that being a medium smart primate on a rock spinning through limitless vacuum is harder than it looks, and way more stressful.
I certainly haven’t been “tough enough” for what the last decade brought to me, challenged me with, and damaged me during.
I reached out, trusted a couple of close friends, and sought help. I’m still in the process of getting that help, doing the work, giving therapy and healing a chance.
Rubbing dirt in it wasn’t working anymore.
The world. COVID. My mother’s cancer. Being a caregiver. Losing my marriage. More war. More hatred. More pollution. More greed. More hopelessness.
Against just me?
Younger me had ignorance and arrogance on his side, in nearly equal measure.
Older me needs all the help he can get.
@zerocantaloupe I know what you mean and have experienced that to a certain extent, and agree that working with a professional is the best, safest way to deal with your emotions; I also believe that there is a fine line (and a lot of misconceptions) between emotions and weakness. Personally, the CC community also feels like a safe heaven to me.
@CharlesInWI Sorry to hear about your mom.
@PrettyLuv
Thank you, that is kind of you.
@JohnR1972 oh yes, the dirt advice. I think some of that was part of our generation being the bridge between the old and new ways of doing and looking at things.
As a SA survivor in my very early teens I was not able to access the kind of support and community now available to the younger people.
I was told to pray on it and learn from any mistakes that may have contributed to it.
Damaging, hell yes. And probably one of the many reasons for so many things I have struggled with in life.
Finding community and finally the language to process what I have lived through is both empowing and healing. I strive to be the adult for others I wish I had in my life back then.
The strongest I can do is sing
Not listen?
Not being unconsidered or disrespectful, this is just a little parenthesis on the thread to share some interesting info specifically on the "dirt advice" (Ev Thomas, extracted from the Miner Institute monthly Farm Report):
OUR HAPPY PLACE Being out and around working the land is a farmer’s “happy place”, and now there’s scientific proof of it. A soil microbe, Mycobacterium vaccae, has been found to mirror the effect of neurons in the brain; this effect is similar to that of drugs such as Prozac but with none of the nasty side effects. M. vaccae causes cytokine levels to rise, leading to the production of serotonin — and serotonin makes us feel relaxed and happy. Conversely, a lack of serotonin has been linked to depression, anxiety, OCD and bipolar disorders. Laboratory tests have confirmed that this soil microbe results in less stress and better concentration, and scientists have found no adverse effects of any kind. It’s also being studied for possible health benefits related to Crohn’s disease and arthritis. Farmers are in frequent contact with M. vaccae by getting soil on their hands and other body parts, by inhaling dust from cropland, and by getting it into their bloodstreams via the nicks and cuts that are a regular part of life on the farm. The old suggestion “Rub some dirt on it” following a small injury might just turn out to be excellent medical advice.
I'd always had the gift of the gab. I'm not afraid to show emotions or cry either. I guess I can say I am a sensitive, but still strong man.
too bad most of the time nobody listens... and when words fail: The tapes are archived online if you are interested in listening to what he has to say...
I don't talk because no one listens 🤷 (At home anyway)
@robroo Based, it's not really a matter of talking that's the issue, it's finding someone who actually cares about you enough to be willing to listen. therapy is a meme, my doodz. But there are other means of catharsis, especially when you are a programmer.
and I think the people who do listen are most likely to be found in the places where most people would consider the last places to go to talk about their life problems. The first amendment is there for a reason and the second is there when the first amendment is powerless against the deafness of ignorance. This guy can give you a better insight to language and that when someone says a no-no word it does not mean they necessarily think what you think a person who says that word thinks... After all Shit and Doo-Doo refer to the same thing but only one is allowed at school. besides 糞 looks harmless to anyone who is not Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese who thinks Latin and alphabets were a mistake, or a Korean Linguistics Professor or a kusowiabuu like myself.
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTREyjNJm/