Cuddling others while in a relationship

Rye823Rye823
in General

This post is directed to all the individuals who cuddle others on here as an enthusiast while being in a relationship. Just out of curiosity, what role does it play in your relationship? For example, does your partner not like to cuddle or is long distance? and in both cases, if cuddling someone of your attraction sex/gender, how understanding/accepting/trusting is your partner with you cuddling that other person and does it put any added stress on the relationship?

Comments

  • pmvinespmvines

    I giggle due to the graveyard of locked dumpster fire threads about this very topic 😆

  • [Deleted User]emiilyy (deleted user)

    due to the fact of the cuddling done through this website is completely platonic,I believe that it is a totally fine thing to be doing while in a relationship. I think partners should respect and care more there other lover that want to give out this kind of therapy and comfy to those whom need it

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    Hey @Rye823! The sad thing is that there's likely to not be many people who can respond to what you asked for, because most people here with partners have not told them they're on the site. There are actually a precious few couples who are both signed up, though, which I think is awesome sauce!

    My boyfriend knows and supports me being here, and is very understanding of Physical Touch being high on my Love Languages. He continually says he wants me to be happy.

    "what role does it play in your relationship? For example, does your partner not like to cuddle or is long distance?"

    My boyfriend and I live together, and he does like to cuddle. We cuddle every single day, and ridiculous amounts on the weekends. 🤭

    I've been asked if my boyfriend doesn't "satisfy" me with cuddles. 🤨 Yes, he absolutely does. I just love them and want more of them with more people that I like and trust (same as one might watch movies with their partner during the week but also enjoy catching one with friends on the weekends).

    For me, if there's no friendship there, there's really no point...because I'm not in it due to lack of physical touch. I'm in it for the joy of extra connection. 😊

    "if cuddling someone of your attraction sex/gender, how understanding/accepting/trusting is your partner with you cuddling that other person"

    Very. We've been together for five years and he trusts me. Also, I'm pansexual, so if this was an issue, I couldn't really cuddle anyone. 😛 But cuddling isn't about attraction, to me it's about acceptance.

    "does it put any added stress on the relationship?"

    To be honest, me joining the cuddle community has facilitated so many good and meaningful conversations, I think it has strengthened our relationship, clarified our boundaries, and best of all, inspired us to cuddle more. Has it also added an extra layer of complication that wasn't there before, of course. But the value far outweighs the time lost in discussing the mundane aspects.

    Our favorite result of me joining this community is that it inspired us to begin having park cuddles together, when we travel. If we arrive too early to check into our hotel, it's now our custom to find a pretty park and snuggle down together for some relaxation and rejuvenation. It's wonderful. 🫠

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

  • BearBear

    Right now I’m single. I had a partner when I was going to cuddles parties every month. We would go together. Always cuddling others.

  • Mr_Cuddle_BearMr_Cuddle_Bear

    I'm married (happily). We however work very different schedules plus have spawn that take up most of the time we are together. Therefore, we have very little time for cuddling. On top of that, my wife has never been an overly physical type of person.

    In her birth culture, it is very common and accepted for a man to have a girlfriend on the side, and she has told me ever since we got married that I was allowed to have one, save for 2 conditions; I can't fall in love with her, and she never finds out about the girlfriend. When I have back pains and say I need a massage, she tells me to go to a [insert stereotypical race that she is a member of] massage place so I can get a happy ending too. So, with that as a background, I don't think she would be upset that I went and cuddled with someone for a couple of hours since that is a lot more innocent than things she has given me permission to do.

    As far as how does it affect our relationship; I come home relaxed, lower stress levels and generally in a better mood. She has her own ways of decompressing (Atlantic City rolls out the red carpet when she and her friends arrive) that are not "my thing" and I'm glad she has that outlet.

  • dave31415dave31415

    @Mr_Cuddle_Bear Which culture is that? Asking for all the men in the World.

  • Mr_Cuddle_BearMr_Cuddle_Bear

    @dave31415 somewhere in SEA.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited April 2023

    @cuddlefaery
    Trolling and baiting are not allowed in the forums. Continue to do so and there will be consequences. [netrunner]

  • Mr_Cuddle_BearMr_Cuddle_Bear

    @cuddlefaery , did I say I ever acted on anything I've been allowed to do? Have I discussed anything she is allowed to do? No.

    But thanks for judging a relationship that you know absolutely zero about.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited April 2023

    @Mr_Cuddle_Bear did I tag you, or say I was talking about your relationship in particular? It is interesting though that you read yourself and your relationship into my comment. Food for thought.

    Edit to add: I'm openly polyamorous & ethically non-monogamous myself, have mentioned as such in the forums previously - zero judgement on my part for openly negotiated and consensual arrangements in relationships. I specifically didn't tag anyone in my previous comment because it was commenting on the topic in general. Still, it is rather telling that you knee-jerk reacted as you did.

  • Rye823Rye823

    Thank you everyone for commenting on my post. It was very insightful to read and I've gained a new perspective and understanding of how those in a relationship manage the dynamic of cuddling others without issues. Although @SunsetSnuggles, you brought up a really good point too in that it could be a secret account from their SO. Also, I love how your favorite part of cuddling others from CC was how it added to your own relationship by cuddling together in the park. That's really amazing how that worked out.

    I recognize that through things like this we learn more about ourselves, where we stand in our relationships, and how to grow. And @Mr_Cuddle_Bear the quote "with great power comes great responsibility" and I think it's great that you don't abuse that power despite having full authority to do so because of how much you love your wife. I just wanted to acknowledge that.

    @Bear I'm curious about these cuddle parties. I'm in Tampa and as far as I know we don't have anything like that here. How does that work?

    One thing in particular that I learned from this thread is that it's not just about seeking cuddles from outside the relationship because it's not being met inside of it, it's about wanting to provide that comfort to others and having an SO that respects and understands that altruistic effort to benefit those who can't get unlimited cuddles if they wanted to for whatever reason they can't.
    Thanks for all the lengthy responses 🖐

  • Rye823Rye823

    Also @dave31415 , thanks for trying to ask what question I'm sure everyone was thinking about lol I imagine to @Mr_Cuddle_Bear kept it anonymous so as to respect his wife's country and other personal reasons, but still it's refreshing to know that there is such an understanding mindset that is so natural and commonly accepted within a certain SEA culture of the world.

  • CuddlyMinxCuddlyMinx

    I stay upfront from the beginning and inform the guy that I run two businesses, one being pro cuddling. The other is also within touch therapy. So if anyone dates me, they have to be a secure grown man who supports my assets and Independence. I don't settle for less. Male OBGYN doctors have the same scenario of needing mature partners. Make sense now?

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    I certainly could have used this, had I known it existed, during my marriage. But my ex never would have been okay with it, and I wouldn't have done it behind her back -- it wouldn't have felt right and if she found out she would have immediately wanted a divorce.

  • Rye823Rye823

    @CuddlyMinx Thanks for your response. Being transparent from the beginning about this being one of your businesses is definitely the best course of action. But I suppose I could've been more clear in my initial post, because I was really just trying to hear from the cuddle enthusiasts who do this for free, not the pros since income is much more justifiable. Doing it for free while in a couple leaves more questions about intention and requires more understanding. But thanks for sharing your thoughts all the same.

  • Rye823Rye823
    edited April 2023

    @WriterGF I appreciate you sharing how this wouldn't have worked for your marriage. I think it's important to recognize that while as helpful as what this site offers to us is, it wouldn't be accepted by every partner, regardless of our true innocent intentions. Obviously it goes to show what level of trust your ex had in you and how limiting they were, which may have been a good thing to bring up sooner since it sounds like you really needed something that they weren't giving you in the relationship. So maybe introducing CC in your marriage could've saved you a lot of time since it still ended anyway. I of course don't know the details of your marriage or divorce, but I just mean to say that it's good that you found CC because it really is a form of self-love as much as it is about giving love (through the form of touch therapy). And honestly in my opinion you don't need anyone in your life that can't respect you for that. Especially if they themselves are the cause to you feeling like you needed more in that regard. Much power to you and good luck going forward.

  • Rye823Rye823
    edited April 2023

    @cuddlefaery What about my topic post is a troll or a bait? Can you please elaborate on why this discussion wouldn't be acceptable and give need for consequences?

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery
    edited April 2023

    @Rye823 huh? My comment was removed as trolling/baiting, I think unfairly, because it was intended as social commentary, but I'll take that up with the mods directly to clear the air. But I did not say this topic was a troll or bait.

    Rather, this topic comes up regularly, and 1) I wish people would back read forums before posting the same topics over and over again; and
    2) the reason I posted a snarky comment is because I, and others in the ethical non-monogamy community, often view this "problem" as one entirely created by patriarchal values, deeply rooted in misogyny and played out in our culture as what we call "toxic monogamy" - overly possive monogamous relationships where one partner must own and control the other out of insecurity. If one does not own one's partner, and instead each partner has full autonomy, then everything mutual has to be discussed and negotiated, not assumed and controlled. If you throw away the assumption that physical affection is owed only to your romantic partner, then platonic cuddling with others is not an existential threat to the relationship. If you are regularly having discussions to negotiate time spent together, rather than assuming that they will always spend their time with you or always do certain activities only with you, then you have less reason to feel insecure or jealous of time they spend with friends or other partners because you know they value their time spent with you.

    Non-monogamy isn't for everyone, but the model of not owning one's partner I think could solve a LOT of relationship issues, not to mention help with anxiety and jealousy. We keep trying to make an old relationship structure work in modern times, but a large number of us have moved beyond patriarchal and misogynistic values....so why are we still enforcing them in our romantic relationships?

  • AmortentiaAmortentia
    edited May 2023

    I keep my cuddle platonic relationships and romantic relationships separate as I do with my general friendships. If one tends to have a problem with it then they are welcome to leave. Currently, about to let a somewhat friend know about my cuddling thing. If they accept it then great and if they walk out the door on me then I won't be running after them. People either need to accept you or not. We don't need to change to be accepted by them.

  • frankparker9frankparker9

    My partner (i.e. currently my only romantic partner) and I have both been polyamorous since before we met, and neither of us feels threatened by us having other relationships, friendships, cuddle buddies, etc. In general, we are happy that someone we love is getting cuddles, love, or whatever the case is. For example, last night, she went over to a friend's house and watched a movie with a bunch of cuddly people, while I had a cuddle friend over. We are both part of the team that puts on a regular Cuddle Party at my house, and we have mutual friends who are cuddle pros and facilitators.

    There is definitely a link between polyamory and "cuddle community" for me. The first cuddle pro I ever saw was polyamorous and married, and conversations with her were part of my early polyam journey. There's a lot of crossover between the cuddle events and non-monogamy events that I attend, and people who discover each via the other.

    I agree with @cuddlefaery that monogamous norms are, well, terrible at the very least. I don't think men or women are more possessive than the other, there's just a model of romantic love that is what most people are familiar with that involves sacrificing a lot of autonomy, being enmeshed, using possessive language, and playing out insecurity and attachment wounds according to certain culturally-provided scripts.

    If you want a partner who is genuine and sweet and completely comfortable with you cuddling whoever you want, and will join in if everyone's ok with it, make that a priority in your partner selection. Find someone who is, like, at least 90th percentile in that respect, especially if you are wanting a partner to hang out with for the rest of your life. That's my two cents.

  • PaulMichealPaulMicheal

    I‘ve wondered this as well. My profile shows that I’m married and so far no one has responded to me.

    My wife and I still love eacbother and have sex, but we’ve been through something traumatic and for whatever reason, while it makes me need holding and touch more than ever it has caused her to withdraw from that. I understand and we spend lots of time together and talk. She just can’t stand cuddling anyone now.

    She is aware I’m in here an even encourages it. She even suggested I find someone to cuddle. I’ve always been the cuddly one and she knows I feel a bit uncuddled. In fact I was glad to find this site because I am not looking to cheat. I just want to hold someone platonically. But I’m guessing the married status may be part of why I don’t get any responses. Or maybe like dating and hookup sites it’s just saturated with men. I’m not sure.

    But I can understand how people might worry they are stepping into something complicated or helping someone sneak around. We’ve been together a long time though and have a lot of trust.

    I’m not really sure how to put people at ease about it.

  • [Deleted User]dungeondrums (deleted user)

    It's up to you.

  • [Deleted User]SnuggleSlug4U (deleted user)
    edited May 2023

    My wife asked me to stop intimacy in 2018 for the reason of pain. The problem is everything was painful, cuddling stopped much earlier because it was painful if I let my arm rest etc... I never expected this before marriage. I should have seen it coming when we nearly finished our week long honeymoon without consummating our marriage. Both of us were virgins when we married and I've always been respectful and very caring.

    Intimacy had always been very perfunctory, clinical with more care given towards keeping the sheets clean than just enjoying each other. I thought of it more like a dentist appointment with every safety precaution and always only one position. I can only remember one time when we were truly spontaneous and care free. It was magical.

    So when I asked her about supplementing, her response was two more years of enduring what "I" needed. But when I saw her face finally reveal her true feelings I told her I'm ok. That was two and a half years ago. Since then our relationship has only sweetened and the cloud of eighteen years of fierce resentment towards me has dissipated.

    Therefore, I can't go back to seeing that look on her face when I broach the subject she will never bring up.; The look that belongs to a victim not a spouse. So I come here because I'm not looking for sex. I'm just looking for someone to hold, to understand. The only thing I've received is judgment for not having consent or disinterest. I don't know why I keep hoping for one person who truly believes platonic is platonic.

  • PrettyLuvPrettyLuv

    @PaulMicheal I’m one of those people with a hard limit on cuddling anyone married just because of the fears you described. However, I think if anything would ever sway me on that, it would probably be hearing from the wife and getting reassurances from her that she’s okay with you cuddling another woman. I wouldn’t have to meet her or anything, just maybe talk to you guys on a call and hear how she really feels about it, and then go from there.

    If I was married and a partner to someone I didn’t want to feel anymore because of personal reasons, but still cared about my partner’s feelings and need to be touched, I’d probably be an advocate for him to seek that touch or whatever he needs elsewhere too.

    It’s a hugely unselfish thing to do, especially as one could be planting a seed that has the potential to divide a relationship over keeping it together but, if I trust my partner enough and really felt like he needs this, I think I’d be an advocate for him so he doesn’t suffer that loneliness on account of me.

  • StructuredQueryLanguageStructuredQueryLanguage
    edited May 2023

    I personally hope never to be in a romantic relationship or married, but I want the deepest and most joyful and caring of friendships. I would simply be too stressed in any kind of committed relationship worrying about the other person, even if it were an open relationship.

    To me, the platonic nature of adults mutually cuddling each other is incredibly natural and obvious. It is as platonic as when someone cuddles a pet or child. I think that's great for everyone, especially friends who are okay with it!

    And the one time I was briefly in a relationship, the cuddling was much worse or non-existent due to the strictures of relationships and this individual being more on the minimal touch spectrum. Cuddling in friendship seems the way to go, and I'd definitely cuddle anyone who was in a relationship as friends, but I would be worried if the person's partner was completely unaware and the type of person who might act irrationally if they found out.

  • CharlieBearCharlieBear Mod

    I think as long as everyone in the relationship enthusiastically supports cuddling others, then there’s no issue. On the flip side, I do not think someone should be put in the position where they agree to allow their partner to cuddle others when they are not an enthusiastic supporter of it.

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    Having 3 relationships, they all know of each other and my work here, and support it 💕.

    Communication is key on so many things. 😊

  • MorpheusMorpheus

    My wife and I both love to cuddle. We consider ourselves ethically non monogamous. It’s no issue for us so long as we are staying open and honest.

  • [Deleted User]MrAdmirer (deleted user)

    this topic has been beaten to death, so all I would say is that I wouldn't judge anyone who is 'hiding' this from a partner, but it's best to say that as long as everyone is ok with it, then its ok. I will always contend that if I knew about this site when my marriage was on the rocks and I asked for her consent, I bet she would have been ok with it and it might have even saved our marriage. My ex was just not into cuddling and not much into 'petting' or foreplay at all, which was a big issue later on in our marriage

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