Was sexually assaulted in July. Miss being held, but also scared?!

karenx3karenx3
in General

So I met someone online in July. The date went well, until they couldn't take no for an answer. Over the months, I developed PTSD from the event. But another part of me knows that I need human touch and someone to cuddle with. I am pretty nervous though. I don't want to put myself in a situation like that again. My therapist told me I shouldn't be around anyone who can traumatize me again. The person who assaulted me doesn't think they assaulted me, even though I said no. How can I have the conversation that I'm only interested in cuddling and nothing else?Should I meet them in public first?

Comments

  • HugsFromFeiHugsFromFei

    Thanks for sharing so vulnerably about your situation. It's a tricky thing to navigate. I definitely would be upfront with what I'm looking for in conversation of only wanting cuddling and nothing else before even meeting up.

    It's up to you if you share your situation with them first, but they do have to be willing to go your pace. It'd be important for you to feel like you can stop and say no to anything at anytime for any reason.

  • CuddlesWithIvyCuddlesWithIvy
    edited February 2018

    Karen,

    Thank you so much for sharing. I am so glad that you know that what happened isn't your fault and that you're seeking counseling. That's excellent.

    I have been assaulted a number of times and I'm going to share what helped in my own recovery. I hope you'll find something helpful in this.
    I wrote a list of objective (strict) and subjective boundaries. If, in any relationship (platonic, romantic), someone steps over my subjective boundary, I'll let them know. If they respond apologetically with good intentions, I know that they have my goodwill in mind. If they fuss or make a scene, I know that they are likely to overstep my other boundaries. I will communicate my concerns for respecting my boundaries (and asking them about their own boundaries: what is and isn't acceptable) and try to reach a common ground. For those that aren't willing, I know that they are not someone I wish to deal with. I will withdraw contact and go on with my life. Call it harsh, but I've been invaded too many times to not be strict about my self-protections.
    When meeting strangers to cuddle, I always screen them first (have a phone call or Skype call for 15 minutes to gauge their interest. I'll tell them one boundary I have and see what their reaction is. If they try to "push it," then I'll cancel the meeting. One of the things I state strictly is "I want to keep this platonic and am not willing to engage in any sexual activity. Can you respect this?" It felt awkward saying it the first couple of times, but over time, I realized that saying this made the people I cuddled with respect my boundary and they wouldn't take it further. If you wanna brainstorm some consent/boundary questions, I'm happy to provide feedback.
    Even though I have screening, I still --always-- meet in a public place first. I'll send their contact info to a friend when I'm cuddling with them and will have someone "check in" after the session is over. It absolutely makes me feel so much safer, going in to a cuddle or inviting someone over.

    I'm based in NYC now and have joined a number of support groups (PTSD, abuse survivors, toxic relationships) and being able to connect with people who have gone through similar experiences has been SO helpful in my own recovery process. If there's a support group nearby, it's helpful -- in my experience, you are never required to share anything (at all) or anything you don't wish to. You can go at your own pace in it.

    Thank you again for sharing your experience. You are SO strong. Wishing you the best,

    ~Ivy

    Mod Notice: As this comment doesn't follow the rules of the forums, containing an advertisement, I have modified this post. -reurbo

  • AshleyCuddlesAshleyCuddles

    @karenx3 just want to say that I'm proud of you for speaking out and seeking help that is so important and shows how strong you are even if you don't see it.

    Ok so here is the thing, I believe in cuddling/touch therapy as a way of healing. I wish I lived closer to you so I could offer help. But I'm going to be say this as a suggestion. Starting out, because of your trauma, I suggest using a woman as your initial building block to reintroduce you to touch. The reason I say this is because you need to be able to have absolute trust in your cuddle companion to not violate your boundaries and initially you will just not be able to let down your walls with a man. I'm sorry that's not sexist just how trauma operates. In addition to that it would be the best option to be a girlfriend that you are comfortable and be already feel safe with. If you do not have that option in your life then possibly consider hiring a female pro to start. But spend a lot of time talking to her making sure she understands the trauma and is first and foremost there to help you heal. After you feel up to try cuddling a man again I'd say initially bring the female you are cuddling along to make sure that you are safe and able to state your strong boundaries.

    I hope this helps and you consider this as a guide to help you heal. It is ok for you to be selfish and say out loud what it is that you need in order to heal.

    Hugs,
    Ashley

  • cuddleYouMecuddleYouMe
    edited February 2018

    I'm not sure if they have any in your area, but I recommend checking out a cuddle party if you can. That can be a good safe way to get some cuddles in a group setting, but before anyone starts they lay out the groundwork / rules, which helps set the tone and mood. It's a good place to practice communicating what you want as well as to practice enforcing boundaries

    Aside from that, I've heard of people cuddling in 'public' settings like a movie theater, maybe something like that could be worth trying?

    I agree that it's good to be upfront, unfortunately I hear a lot of guys push boundaries...it helps if it's with someone you already know/trust

  • [Deleted User]ivlegend (deleted user)

    Sorry about what happened and I am happy that you are sharing it. Sharing the problem with others is the first step in right direction.
    I agree to many suggestions already on board.Safety is always first and make sure to practice how to say NO if some one does not respect your boundaries. Only other thing I will suggest is try to make more effort to cuddle more people in public or what ever you feel safe and comfortable with. More exposure will help you overcome the PTSD more fast. It's your brain which u need to rewire. Key is repetition and persistence. Good luck and let me know if I can be of any help.
    Hugs :)
    Rr

  • SpongymarbleSpongymarble

    You got some really good advice here and I try not to repeat after them.
    I second meeting with a woman. Even as a woman myself I'm very open to meet other women for cuddling but it didn't happen yet. I'm not sure why.

    I do most that was recommended here and I also will only meet anyone with picture and minimum profile filled out. Will have conversations to get a vibe about them and if they have good karma even better.
    Then the public meeting and also safecalling and I send the license plate picture to my safe person. If the cuddle partner has a problem with it, I'll not go with him.

    I'm not sure if I would tell anyone about your bad experience. It's a personal no for me but you do what you feel works for you.
    I had a (not from this website) guy agreeing to nothing sexual etc etc and just cuddling on a bed... we had a great talk and I told him about how happy I am he could take a no and told him about a bad experience I had in my past....then somewhere somewhen during that evening everything went to shit when he himself didn't listen to my no. Not going in details. I felt pretty stupid and personally it teached me not to tell anyone anymore. I'm still not sure how this happened. Maybe because I showed myself vulnerable to this guy?

    You might want to start out in a more safe setting like a car theater where people are around you.
    If you are up to cuddling someone with another woman that might be an option as well.

  • AshleyCuddlesAshleyCuddles

    ok...please please do not go to a cuddle party out of the gate because you will be overwhelmed and I worry that a bad experience will close you off to this type of healing completely. I cannot stress enough to start with a female.

    Guys, I realize that you don't know this mindset but she has to take it slow and ease into things. She could still be in the stage that she is jumping at the slightest touch of someone else. Its so so so important that she finds one person that she can trust and ease her into things and be her rock when needed. Multiple people would be too much too soon.

    Karen another suggestion might be to take a self defense class. Taking your power back in that way does wonders

  • pmvinespmvines

    FIrst of all I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Its not your fault and you do not deserve that. Take it very slow =, try to get to know one, possibly two people very well and build that trust first before even meeting. And when you do meet please make sure they are aware of your triggers and most important know yourself and your gut. But don't do anything by impulse, take your time and really build trust and a true friendship first. I would say even if you are seeing a paid cuddler you have to still treat it as a friendship and go slow. If you have a counselor or receive therapy, speak with them. There is CBT and different types of exposure therapy that can help with gradually being able to trust and form relationships. And above all, anything you do is on your terms. It is not up to you to make concessions, they must meet you where you are and be respectful of that.

  • SunraySunray

    My heart goes out to you. I'm really sorry you had to go through that. As a person who has been to 25+ cuddle parties between Milwaukee, Chicago and Minneapolis, I've never heard of anyone being assaulted or hurt at a cuddle party. (Though I can't guarantee that it's never happened at any cuddle party anywhere ever since I'm only referencing a small window.) A fuse of the other comments. Yes, take it slow, but I still would recommend the cuddle party. You don't have to cuddle at a cuddle party, you don't have to touch anyone and if you choose so, not allow anyone to touch you. I've seen people go to these and they just do homework or bring a coloring book. In the first 40-50 minutes of the cuddle party you will be practicing saying 'no' and what to do if a particular touch has not been approved by you. If at any point you do feel uncomfortable you can get the Cuddle Party Facilitator or someone who has been designated by the facilitator to hold space. The next step, would be just hold hands with someone nothing more. Once you build trust you can do more...and that might take a few events, or it might be all in the same event depending on your level of comfort. If you are a traveler, you might be able to find a Cuddle Party that is for women only for the first time. If you go to CuddleParty's website there is a video on the main page that might be of some help to you as well.

    If Cuddle Party is not an option, I like pmvines ideas. Getting to know the person and meeting the person a time or two for coffee or tea (not alcohol) just to get to know them before entering a cuddle would be a good idea. Also making sure they know your triggers and what has happened to you. Or perhaps another idea is agree on a movie that plays in a theater where they have like cuddle couches. You'd be in public and less likely to have your cuddle person try something.

    A third idea is to hire a professional cuddler from an organization that puts them through a training and certification process before putting them out in the field. Cuddlist, which is affiliated with CuddleParty could be a place to start.

  • AshleyCuddlesAshleyCuddles

    ... again please stop suggesting cuddle parties. The last person someone that has been traumatized needs is multiple people asking to touch her. Not saying that she would be assaulted at the party... don't know where you got that from...any reputable psychiatrist would say take it slow, don't over stimulate. In a mindset like hers a cuddle party would be completely over stimulating.

  • pmvinespmvines

    Its not about the intent or motives behind the people at the cuddle party, it's about how it would make her feel , and about whether it would be a trauma trigger. That is what to consider here , not whether or not a cuddle party attendee would assault her . Slow and low is the way to go . Think a simmering crock pot , not a quick pressure cooker .

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