Wish there were a pause button on existing
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I just burned 2,000 calories!!
Last time I leave brownies in the oven as I nap.
What color is red, true or false?
@KaaGee Can I phone a friend?
Only people who truly care can hear us when we are silent
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
Anonymous
Can I get a what-what?
That way I can keep one 'what' and give another 'what' to somebody else.
Also Grover > Elmo (yeah I said it)
I want my money back. I forgot the name of the tea I'm drinking that's supposed to help your memory.
The 5th dentist finally changed his mind. Now they all recommend Trident.
Bon Jovi should be about 3/4 of the way there by now
Nothing happens "to" you... It happens "through" you.
@lonelytauros Lol.
@TxTom funny!
@pmvines Satan and Santa have the same letters, both wear red, and you never see them together. Hmmmm - I have OFTEN thought that. _ I don't celebrate Christmas, I thought it was just me. _Hmmmm indeed
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Sriracha tastes like butts, in a bad way.
I Donate
We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing ~gbs
I just may be the asshole you've been looking for
Why was twitter renamed to x? Shouldn't it be xy?
Social Media IS the Zombie Apocalypse.
I was going to post one about time travel, but you didn’t like it.
Call me old fashioned, but I believe in only one true God. His name is Zorgo, and he lives in that lake
Trees are mostly made of air and rain.
I am mostly made of Weetabix.
Are we great yet? Because I just feel embarrassed
.
I hate cold showers, so I'm going to wear my bathrobe to keep me warm.
"If men and women could read one another's secret thoughts, we might shorten our vocabulary by the length of the word 'virtue.'" - Ambrose Bierce
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