The day the magic died… (beliefs & disillusionment)

JohnR1972JohnR1972
in General

“Something touched me deep inside, the day the music died…
I knew I was out of luck, the day the music died…
I saw Satan laughing with delight, the day the music died…”
- American Pie by Don McLean, 1971

For me, it wasn’t the music that died but the “magic”. A while back I experienced a loss. Not the death of a loved one, more like the death of an ideal / belief, something that had been an integral part of me for years.

I don’t mean to be cryptic but the details are personal enough that I don’t want to share them in a public forum. What I can share is what it felt like. It reminded me of a more serious version of what happened when Toto pulled the curtain back and Dorothy discovered “The great and powerful Oz” was not what he appeared to be.

The rational / practical part of me knows I am much better off now that I’ve seen behind the curtain so I can make better decisions going forward based on truth rather than the illusion / self deception / tinted lenses through which I used to view the world. However, the idealistic / emotional part of me feels like a child who just learned Santa isn’t real.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of disillusionment by learning a deeply held belief was wrong? Did you have any mixed emotions? Any advice for catching and correcting flawed beliefs?

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    I experience disillusionment every day, but it’s hard to comment on this specific thread, because we don’t know what the deeply held belief was, but I can say on the other hand I also do experience miracles from time to time which balance out the disillusionment

  • CuddlemagneCuddlemagne

    I remember when I was a kid and I realized that Pokemon weren't real and will never be real. You can imagine my disappointment.

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    Yeah, I can relate to the feeling of "the day the magic died" or disillusionment. The challenge is finding new opportunities and new ways to look forward to things.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Disillusionment is a part of life. I never, even as a kid, fell for Santa or the Easter Bunny but went along in the name of self-interests. But people I believed in or put trust in I have been disillusioned by. I guess you could say it has made me skeptical…not pessimistic as I still hope for the best…but I am a skeptic.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101
    edited November 2023

    I find there is a cycle between innocence/naivete , shock/trauma, disllisionment/lost of faith/cynical, healing, regaining faith, and moving on. It's not always an easy cycle and some parts of the cycle takes over a decade to shed off. Parts that I grappled with were:

    • human nature
    • romance
    • belief in aspects of my martial arts
    • social progress
    • fate/destiny
    • technology and humans and want it means or where it's going

    I think everyone is in their on their own part of the journey. The only thing I would say is to keep exploring and learning and evolving. There's a cool saying from a movie I liked (World War Z): "Movemiento es la vida." (Movement is life)

    Sometimes it takes conscious effort, sometimes things will appear in life that will move us onto the next phase of healing or recovered faith. It's easy to remain in a place where all is negative and the world is such and such - there are examples everywhere and we find what we're looking for most times (confirmation bias). But there is also good, purpose, and order in the universe too - that is my finding at least.

    Good luck !

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited November 2023

    @JohnR1972 I'm responding to your post but in a general sense toward everyone. I'm adding an example where it's happened to me. Both times I was wrong but the second hurt my pride more than the first. I'm going to highlight the first part of the second because that was the slap in the face part for me where I knew I'd done something incredibly wrong. Both weren't right but the second was much worse. Its awesome that people gain clarity. It makes us better people.

    I'm trying to use the word 'someone' rather than 'you' because I understand it gets confusing when I say 'you' and I don't mean YOU.

    Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away I believed (to summarize not go into specifics) a woman's place was in the kitchen. I can't imagine how much it would suck to let myself believe I was a second class citizen for my entire life. I felt something was off then but I couldn't put my finger on what. It makes me incredibly sad to see other women (whether they know it or not) put themselves as less than. Makes me want to cry actually. I hate that cycling belief. Life is so much better on the other side. When you're in that delusion you can't imagine the world outside. Which is probably why I'm so aggressively against misogynistic comments. I'm lucky to now know I hold the same value as everyone else. I can't handle it when others put people into that classification. I know what the term, 'seeing red' means on a deep level because its like a switch is flipped.
    One instance is when I was around my dad he'd treat me differently around different guys I was dating. If it was someone who wouldn't stand for me being treated badly and that he respected so was I. But the second one would laugh at my dad's sexist jokes I went back down to being a lowly woman. I can't tell you how much that hurts or how a lot of people can't see it when they're in it.

    So yeah, I've had my world cracked a few times. One was when I believed it was bad to be gay (I'm bi so that's crazy) but any who a bunch of people in my high school were talking about it (being mean) and a girl turns around and demands to know what's wrong with being gay. She was not nice (IMO rightfully so) I couldn't think of anything. No one had ever said why aside from, 'because it is..." that one was incredibly uncomfortable and even painful but while it didn't feel good I know it was worse for the people I was treating like that. I was buying into a belief that made me think of someone else as less than. It stings feeling the paradigm shift that happens. It was the real moment I realized that it was wrong to think of someone as less than and its wrong to sympathize with it. It makes you feel like an idiot and bad about yourself but in time you understand it was for the best.
    If someone believes something I don't that's fine. If they for a second say someone is less than in front of me I don't handle it well. That's actively advocating or reaffirming someone else's lowly status in your eyes. I can deal with it if it isn't an insulting comment but if its demeaning I do snap.

    I am wrong all the time but I'll never admit I'm wrong about that ever again because I'm not. Trying to convince me otherwise does not go well.

    Edit: and it actually DOES matter how someone goes about expressing their belief. I defended a certain former member very aggressively despite the fact that it was a belief he held and that's what we were talking about.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @Cuddlemagne - I never told my daughters Santa was real. I explained that he was a symbol but not a real person.

    However, my oldest daughter cried her eyes out when I had to break it to her that Jedis were not real. After watching Star Wars she had her heart set on becoming a Jedi.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited November 2023

    Commenting twice answering the second part: I was actually about a week ago telling someone that doing something that goes along with patriarchal programming wasn't the end of the world. Not even twice... etc. Its the attitude behind it. Kinda wish he was still in the forums because I think I said it better to him. He didn't get kicked out self imposed ban.

    And that was the difference between me defending one member and arguing with another. I'll have to ask my friend how I stated it.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @Minestrone101 - thank you for your perspective and the broader context about the various cycles of life. I’m not letting this one get me down, it is just something that has been on my mind so I thought I would share because I figured it happens to most, if not all of us from time to time. As @BoomerSpooner put it, “disillusionment is a part of life.”

    The logical / rational / practical side of me has always been the dominant side and that part of me knows seeing behind the curtain is for the best, even when it “ruins the magic” like learning how a stage magician performs an illusion.

    @stormydaycuddle - thank you too for sharing your thoughts and examples on this topic. In college I minored in Instructional Design. One theory of learning states that we ONLY learn from mistakes (what is there to learn when things work perfect on the first try)? I know you and I have butted heads before but I think we probably have more in common philosophically than either of us realize or want to admit 😂

  • cocoabombcocoabomb

    There’s this deeply held belief how mothers ALWAYS love their children.
    Mothers are supposedly selfless, wonderful, and nurturing who always give up everything for their children.
    Some aren’t.
    Some are truly horrible.
    A uterus doesn’t automatically make you nurturing or loving.
    Those of us with these horrible mothers are constantly made to feel guilty with Mother’s Day and stupid memes.
    I allowed myself to stop loving my mother -and others- out of obligation 15 years ago.
    I removed her -and them- from my life.
    People tell me how I will regret it when she’s dead.
    It’s been 6 years since she died and no tears or mourning.
    I’m not repeating history.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    I used to believe in traditional gender roles, thinking a woman's place was in the home. Recognizing my error, I now empathize with those who still hold such views. The realization of my own misguided beliefs, particularly when dating, was a wake-up call. I've also confronted and changed my prejudiced beliefs about being gay. While admitting I'm often wrong, I won't compromise on opposing views that demean others. How beliefs are expressed matters; defending someone with harmful beliefs was a mistake I won't repeat.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited November 2023

    How beliefs are expressed matters; defending someone with harmful beliefs was a mistake I won't repeat.

    @PeopleLikeUs @stormydaycuddle I know this is peoplelikeus’ quote but stormy essentially said the same thing. AND I LOVE THAT IDEA. Beliefs are to be tolerated until it harms others in some way.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101
    edited November 2023

    @JohnR1972 I hear that. Sorry that some of the magic is gone. I hope you still find or rediscover some of the magic that's still there. I forgot which show or movie I heard the quote about if something is real or fake, and the person said this is what I choose to believe (granted that's not driving on the wrong side of the road or walking naked into a store or abusing a loved one).

    Maybe relates more to belief in God/higher being, order in the universe, or humanity, or yourself - some belief system that doesn't directly affect others but impacts you a great deal.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @Minestrone101

    granted that's not driving on the wrong side of the road or walking naked into a store…

    Well there go my plans for the weekend 😂😂😂

    I have insatiable curiosity so I am sure I will discover new and better “magic”. I remember the controversy several years ago when the “masked magician” did a TV special in which he revealed how several famous magic tricks were performed. Some professional magicians were extremely critical of him giving away trade secrets but his response was that by revealing how old tricks / illusions were performed, it motivated those in the industry to develop new and better illusions.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101

    @JohnR1972 That's true. Also, I heard some of the ways the masked magician demonstrates the tricks were incorrect. I wonder was that by design or just another way of doing it. I forgot about him. I should see it again.

  • JubalJubal

    @JohnR1972 While I can't pinpoint a particular day when "the magic died" for me. But for most of my life, good science fiction was magic - it opened up worlds of "what would humanity be like if x happened"? Somewhere along the way in the past few years, the magic has died off on major sci-fi things like Star Trek and Star Wars, and even on less well-known franchises. It seems that writers etc are less interested in creating new ideas and new stories and more interested in recycling old ones.

    I guess I'd point to "The Last Jedi" as being close to that day for me.

  • TxTomTxTom

    @JohnR1972 I still make Santa Claus/Ded Moroz a very convincing figure for my daughter. Children need to remain children as much as possible, and part of their innocence is their amazement and wonder at "magical things."

    I think rushing them into adulthood on what's real or what isn't real is essentially killing that little spark that they would otherwise carry inside them throughout their entire lives.

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @jubal - I like “The Critical Drinker” movie reviews on YouTube. He trashed the Last Jedi for a number of plot holes but the worst was the way “nobody stays dead” in modern movies. He really roasted the laziness of how they brought Emperor Palpantine back with the explanation of “somehow he came back” 😂

    @TxTom - I understand where you are coming from and I would never ruin the illusion of someone else’s children. To me it was a matter of not wanting to risk my daughters wondering, “if I was lied to about Santa, what else have I been told that isn’t true?” It was a judgment call on my part and they still left cookies out for Santa and hung Christmas stockings but they knew it was me.

    To this day, I have a very close and trusting relationship with both of them. My youngest still lives with me and my oldest is married and lives a couple states away but we text daily and talk at least 1-2 times per week. She values my input on decisions because she knows I won’t tell her what to do, I only help her look at the pros and cons of her options (or to find new options) and I leave it to her to determine what is best decision for her.

  • Minestrone101Minestrone101

    @JohnR1972 You made some great parenting choices man. I can respect a father who has a good working relationship with their adult children. Congrats on that.

  • PeopleLikeUsPeopleLikeUs

    @Minestrone101 Nothing in my post was true.

    I just ran Stormy's post through A.I. and asked it to shorten what she had posted for clarity. The only word I edited was "home" in place of "kitchen."

    So I never read the OP or any of the subsequent posts and never posted myself. It all took about 30 seconds.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited November 2023

    @PeopleLikeUs @Minestrone101 Nevermind. I can see the translation now. I say I empathize with women who still think they are second class citizens and with people but not with the prejudice beliefs. I was thrown due to that distinction.

  • frankparker9frankparker9

    The biggest thing I ever painfully became disillusioned about was my marriage. Going from “happily ever after” to getting divorced turned my world upside-down. I also see the shadow side of, and am very skeptical in general of, monogamy, my parents (and a lot of people’s parenting), Silicon Valley and working for tech companies (and most corporate management), politicians… but at 39 years old, I don’t need the world to be perfect; things can be deeply flawed.

    Mostly my life has become more magical. I used to get very uncomfortable if someone took astrology seriously, for example; now I have a partner who does tarot readings. I’ve realized that energy healing and all sorts of “magic” are real and practiced and taught if you know where to look. I’m increasingly more connected to myself and building a great life.

  • michael8219michael8219
    edited November 2023

    Don Henley in The End of the Innocence:

    Remember when the days were long
    And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
    Didn't have a care in the world
    With mommy and daddy standin' by
    But "happily ever after" fails
    And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
    The lawyers dwell on small details
    Since daddy had to fly

    Oh, but I know a place where we can go
    Still untouched by men
    We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
    And the tall grass waves in the wind

    You can lay your head back on the ground
    And let your hair fall all around me
    Offer up your best defense
    But this is the end
    This is the end of the innocence

    We are all flawed individuals. You can only do your best and have faith in God. Forgive others and move onward.

    And as Christine McVie once wrote:

    If you wake up and don't want to smile
    If it takes just a little while
    Open your eyes and look at the day
    You'll see things in a different way

    Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
    Don't stop, it'll soon be here
    It'll be better than before
    Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    @frankparker9 - thank you for that perspective. Very good points!

    @michael8219 - wow. I haven’t heard end of the innocence in years but what a fitting song for this thread! Thank you!

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    I've apparently been disillusioned... But he just broke my heart so..., reality.

  • cde123cde123

    I try to manage my disillusionment to make sure there are still special things and good reference points in my life, which I can rely on to stay positive - things people have done for me, things I've been able to achieve, challenges I've overcome and stuff like that. Managing disillusionment is super important because otherwise, hurt people hurt people. I guess the magic has never completely died for me. I much prefer it that way.

    @stormydaycuddle As an adult I have come to strongly dislike people who actively devalue others, but it's amazing how little awareness I had when I was younger. I can't recall my parents actively demeaning others - they are quite inclusive and tolerant - but the surrounding culture I think has so normalized judgement/devaluation that I had accepted it as a normal part of life. It's great you're spreading the word on this. I think it's a message everyone needs to hear - not just "you're amazing and beautiful and capable" but also "here's how to tell when people are devaluing you and why that's a problem with them, not you."

  • quixotic_lifequixotic_life

    "... here's how to tell when people are devaluing you and why that's a problem with them, not you." ~ @cde123

    How do you know it's a problem with them and not yourself?

  • cde123cde123

    @quixotic_life I find asking a basic question, is this helping or hurting the other person, often clarifies. It can certainly be unclear though. Ethics can help.

  • stormydaycuddlestormydaycuddle Mod
    edited November 2023

    @quixotic_life @cde123 I’d leave out the helping part. While it is important a lot of us are taught we have to help. We are supposed to take the back seat. We serve ourselves last rather than in turn.

    Edit: leave it out as a way of identifying them or you. In that context.

    And ty, CDE123 for your comment. 🤗🤗🤗

    For people (anyone reading this) who want the AI break down of Stormy speak:

    (I will say that while I may be unclear to some there are plenty of people who follow what I say too. I’m not insane. Figured I’d point that out since it has been suggested that I might be. We think in different ways which isn’t good or bad.)

    The comment emphasizes self-care and challenges the conventional expectation of always prioritizing helping others. This viewpoint recognizes the importance of helping but cautions against the tendency to always put oneself last. It advocates for a more balanced approach where one serves oneself not necessarily first, but equally and in turn. This perspective is valuable in discussions about self-care, setting boundaries, and avoiding burnout, especially in contexts where there's a strong cultural or societal emphasis on selflessness and service to others. It's a reminder that taking care of oneself is also important and necessary.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    It's interesting to me that having one's beliefs challenged/changed would be thought of as "losing the magic". Even deeply held beliefs that become core part of our identities . For me, challenging my beliefs or finding out that something I thought I believed in wasn't true has more made me feel like the world was more magical, like fog lifting to reveal more secrets. I dunno, maybe it's because I'm wired differently (neurodivergent) and was taught to have a growth mindset from an early age ... these sorts of life altering paradigm shifts have only enriched my life and helped me feel more deeply in tune with myself.

    That's not to say there isn't ever grief or regret - it can be an uncomfortable process to regain one's sense of balance when a core belief changes. But at least for me the process is more exciting and worth the challenges - curiosity and thirst for more knowledge out weighs the grief of anything lost, and by and large regrets get replaced by a sense gratitude for lessons learned. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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