I didn't want to hijack the other thread where people are venting about feeling like the forums can be combative and become increasingly louder arguments over who is right, but some of the comments brought to mind how understanding differences in communication styles can make a huge difference in how one interprets what people say.
Storytime:
One of the biggest flashing neon signs that I am neurodivergent that went missed/ignored for 30 years is how I tend to communicate "differently than most". It causes a lot of misunderstandings over the years and the anxiety over not being able to communicate what my brain thought was fairly straightforward caused me to withdraw socially and become increasingly shy. I basically stopped talking around people I wasn't very comfortable with, whom I knew would either understand what I was trying to say or would ask questions in order to figure it out rather than assume the worst.
Fast-forward to roughly 1999 when I first started interacting socially online and I started realizing I wasn't some freak who always said the wrong thing despite the best intentions.....there was a plethora of people like me, and now I could talk with them and be understood on a level I hadn't for my entire childhood. I didn't have a name for it yet - I just knew I fit in more with the internet misfits, nerds, and weirdos who tended to not socialize in-person easily but who blossomed online.
Fast-forward again to 2009ish when I started my education degree and started taking special education courses. When we talked about interacting with kids on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, kids with learning disabilities and sensory processing issues... I thought to myself, "huh...that kinda sounds like me." It took another decade after that for it to fully sink in that yes, I'm likely at least ADHD, possibly also on the autism spectrum, and that getting diagnosed wouldn't just put a name to what I had been experiencing - it would allow me to finally get the support I had been needing all along.
It took me 5 years to formally get diagnosed, and it hasn't been a magic pill - there is a lot I'm having to unlearn or relearn, skills I never mastered, shortcuts I took that I have to go back and undo. My mental health took a major hit over the years from all the struggles, stress, and constantly just not being able to be "normal". I've slowly been rebuilding myself and regaining my confidence, learning who I am with out masking or pretending to be some fictional perfect version of myself.
Whether you read my backstory or not, there's a few things I've learned about how neurodivergent people tend to communicate:
- We tend to self-reference in order to communicate understanding and/or empathy. To neurotypical people this can often sound like we are trying to show off, "one-up", or make a conversation about ourselves. In reality, we are communicating the way our brains work - by referencing what we know from personal experience and following the pattern logically. When we chime in with a related story, we're trying to communicate that we understand the point being made, or empathize with what happened to you, and we give evidence by telling our own experience.
- We tend to communicate bluntly/literally - either because that is how our brains work, or because we have years of trauma built up from people misunderstanding us. We say what we mean, there's no hidden agenda or subtext, and we can often have a hard time reading/hearing subtext in what others say as well.
- We will tend to hold things in for awhile, afraid to butt in or say the wrong thing, and then blurt things out all in a rush. This often is even more extreme in ADHD as impulse control isn't a strong suit.
- We tend to have special interests which we become experts in and will happily talk about for hours. With ADHD, it tends to be more "Jack of all trades" and switching between many different interests. With autism spectrum, it tends to be one or a small selection that are intensely studied. And for those lucky enough to be dual diagnosis? It tends to be a combination of both, switching from ASD's need for routine to ADHD's need for novelty. Neurodivergent folks tend to collect knowledge and hobbies the way neurotypical people collect objects.
- We tend to struggle reading social cues and/or reconciling with the need to follow "the rules". The reasons why vary between people, but the end result is similar - we tend to be afraid to screw up, struggle to understand "the game", and get frustrated when the rules or people don't follow the logic that we used to learn to socialize.
In first learning how to work with neurodivergent kids, and then learning coping skills as a neurodivergent adult, there's a few key points I picked up:
- everyone communicates a little differently - even neurotypical people. Cultural differences, education differences, language barriers, hearing & speech impairments, dialects, individual preferences, neurodivergent, etc. It's better to assume we all communicate differently than to assume we are all the same.
- When communicating via text, tone and body language is lost. It can help people understand you better if you add contextual clues (tone notations, emojis, emphasis, explanations, photos, links, etc.).
- Communicating what you need from others and your boundaries during a conversation can help everyone feel more comfortable and heard. Examples: if you want to just vent and don't want advice, say that. If you'd rather people not chime in with related stories, address that. If certain topics are triggering and you need to step away from them, communicate the boundary so others know to not keep trying to engage you.
- If someone's communication style is wildly different than yours and you're struggling, talk to them about the problem. As long as they are remaining civil, try not to assume they are intentionally trying to push your buttons. Having a conversation about how to better communicate with each other can go a long way and can help both parties make small changes to bridge the gaps.
- Learning about different communication styles and needs helps make for more inclusive and diverse communities, and can lead to more fulfilling dialogues. Far more people than one might think have some form of disability, neurodiversity, mental illness, or other issue that causes them to struggle with communication. It often goes under the radar and is not talked about outside of specialized communities, so the more we talk about it in mixed ones the more we can understand each other.
If you made it this far, thank you! I know I can be long-winded and over-explain, particularly when I feel passionate about a topic.
I'd love to hear what y'all have learned about your own communication styles & needs, how your experiences are different than mine, or any stories you may have about overcoming communication differences!