@NayNay13 I’ll pm you.
@NayNay13 I'm so sorry that happened to you. But that/those glass bowls do NOT get to dictate how you cuddle. You do.
All we can do is try and learn. "No" is a full sentence. If they need all that, they're not gettin' it here. Wrong store.
I will definitely be more strict on making sure my boundaries are not broken. I had 2 more people ask for skin on skin sessions... so, I'm definitely going to take the advice I got and hope it goes better...
@NayNay13 the only "skin on skin" contact during a session should be hands, arms (if short sleeved) and legs (if wearing shorts). If anyone is asking for any more skin than that is a big ol' no no here. But you wear what makes you most comfortable.
@Morpheus
@SBG, you are absolutely correct, I am not owed anything. But I reserve the right to not take anyone at face value. All we know about anyone here is what they post, and when the post is contradictory, it is a potential red flag.
To your point, yes, there are ways to better protect yourself in any interaction, but I think we all know there will always be some element of risk involved here. Every individual has to determine what their tolerance is for that risk. That may mean saying, "I need to do this and that to feel safe," or "I need to stick to people I have spent a lot of time talking to and getting a feel for" or "This is not the place for me." All are perfectly legitimate responses.
Yea, that's what I thought when I signed up... that things like that shouldn't be a thing.... But, it really did make me rethink things... I will definitely make my rules and boundaries known before anything is agreed on... I will definitely wear what I want and feel comfortable and not what "they want" me to wear because it's better for sensual skin on skin... thank you everyone... definitely makes me feel better that, it's not supposed to be like that...
Hi, Benji!
As a professional touch-therapist and photography-therapist, sexual trauma is one of my specialties. I’d be happy to address any questions you might have and help you find the right resources for navigating your journey without becoming triggered. I have been there myself. 🤍 It’s a weird space to understand unless you have personally been in it.
I hope you continue to find peace in platonic touch!
@NayNay13 - This site is for platonic cuddles only but that doesn't stop predators from joining thinking that this is a buffet of vulnerable women they can take advantage of. They are quickly banned when discovered. Requesting "skin-on-skin" cuddles is a major red flag. Cancel the session then report them.
This site is for platonic cuddles only but that doesn't stop predators from joining thinking that this is a buffet of vulnerable women they can take advantage of. They are quickly banned when discovered. Requesting "skin-on-skin" cuddles is a major red flag. Cancel the session then report them.
@Mike403 👍👍👍
@BenjiRader @WriterGF
I joined this site in 2018 but spent some time learning to navigate the site, discover how things work etc. Next thing you know...Boom! Covid hits and if you were around then this site and cuddling itself came to a grinding halt. Took awhile for things to get back to a somewhat normal existence. So the date you joined doesn't really mean anything does it?
@robroo If people want to take him at face value, that's their choice. I raised my questions and see no point in my belaboring it. I will freely admit I could be way off base because my radar is turned up to 11 here.
Hey, @NayNay13, welcome to CC!
The sad truth is that there will always be clients who make inappropriate requests or attempt to push your boundaries in a session.
There is nothing you can say or do or write in your profile that will completely eliminate these frustrations. The best way to stay sane is to accept this fact and get people to tell on themselves early in the conversation. This is gift, as it allows you to save yourself the headache of finding out in session.
It sounds like you're on the right track with making clear and direct statements about your boundaries and tracking red flag statements. It's also good to have a series of screening questions designed to ferret out your clients' intentions. Lots of good resources for these in the pros forum, but you're always welcome to reach out!
I will definitely come up with some type of questions to see what they really intend... but now I just straight tell them what my rules and boundaries are... so if I don't hear back... then better for me... I don't want to feel like that again...
Benji,
Your query is valid and you are raising a very important question that doesn’t deserve to be nitpicked to death… 3 years or 6 years? Could be a typo? Who really cares because its irrelevant to the subject at hand.
I’m sorry your experience has lead you down a lonely road feeling unsafe. You are a beautiful person and I love that you expressed yourself as a butterfly. 🦋 I think the answers you seek fall in the metaphor of a butterfly… we cocoon ourselves after experiencing trauma and it is solely up to us to decide if we’re going to harden and stay in our cocoon or spread our wings, metamorphosis and break free.
From what I can tell, you are adding to the positive intentions of the site. Removing yourself tilts the scale more towards the favor of the predators, but it could help soothe your conscience knowing that you may be a cog in the machine.
Dealing with my past trauma compounded with some of the trauma of the site can be very difficult for me. Personally, I deactivate (cocoon) and come back when I feel more in tune with myself.
This community IS absolutely ripe for (and rife with) assault, even if it is predominantly men against women. It's not unreasonable to think that the OP doesn't want to support that, even if it doesn't directly affect him. And I don't think a suspicious attitude is helpful here. Assault in any form is triggering. I'm a female enthusiast and I've been low-key assaulted through connections found here. And I've certainly had my fair share of disgusting comments in messages. I think the issue is that the OP may not want to be committed to space that contains that.
This community IS absolutely ripe for (and rife with) assault, even if it is predominantly men against women. It's not unreasonable to think that the OP doesn't want to support that, even if it doesn't directly affect him. And I don't think a suspicious attitude is helpful here. Assault in any form is triggering.
I'm a female enthusiast and I've been low-key assaulted through connections found here. And I've certainly had my fair share of disgusting comments in messages. I think the issue is that the OP may not want to be committed to space that contains that.
&
But it is still true that this is fundamentally a site that enables strangers to meet up to touch one another. I don't think there's any getting around the fact that that is going to be fairly- to heavily-problematic. There will always be people who will try to take advantage. Maybe the question is, how can we make it safer? How can we assure the people that need touch the most can do so with the highest level of confidence?
But it is still true that this is fundamentally a site that enables strangers to meet up to touch one another. I don't think there's any getting around the fact that that is going to be fairly- to heavily-problematic. There will always be people who will try to take advantage.
Maybe the question is, how can we make it safer? How can we assure the people that need touch the most can do so with the highest level of confidence?
@SBG, and to the OP, @BenjiRader I’ve been making the same observations and lines of inquiry. I’ve stopped asking the peanut gallery to care. It’s easier to dismiss us and DARVO. I wish pros were required to have some type of specific training or education especially on ethical touch. That would be a huge step towards legitimizing that as a paid service.
To answer OP’s q, I have a massive vetting process and have tough boundaries that tend to weed out the majority of bad actors before we actually ever meet.
Also, the mods have been awesome at immediately banning people I report for stepping over boundaries I clearly set - and there have been MANY. OP’s concern is legit. I agree with SBG’s points. This is naturally a predator rich environment, as I’ve said here so many times, simply due to its dynamics and circumstances of which can easily be taken advantage. It’s not unique in that sense as this is a problem in any space with vulnerable people. Does the site want this to happen? No I don’t believe so. The onus is put on us to vet people first to protect ourselves. And any bad actors are swiftly banned. But is it doing enough to maximize our safety? Also no.
@TheMidnightOwl
I wish pros were required to have some type of specific training or education...
CC is really nothing more than a casual "buyer beware" Meet & Hug platform.
Requiring training, as I understand from other threads, opens up a maelstrom of legal maneuvering, requirements, and obligations that I don't believe the site ever intended to entertain.
Wow… this is a valuable conversation & much needed. I joined as a pro about 3 months ago to supplement my income as I returned to school for my PhD in psychology. I’m a survivor of sexual trauma and have found cuddling on MY terms is incredibly empowering and therapeutic as well as educational. First, to those questioning the validity of the initial question, triggers for someone w/ a history of sexual abuse can literally be ANYTHING because each experience is unique in how the abuse occurred so let’s stop the hyper defensive position, it’s totally giving “all lives matter “ energy and ewwww🤢2nd, there IS a subculture on this site of low key sex work going on… I know because I I’ve been offered and approached with hopeful requests on how “playful” I am, more $ for certain outfits, sexting once they book & when I refuse they cancel… it goes on and on and there ARE people offering up services and people paying. The clients are people who neither have the finances or the guts for a legit sex worker, and the pros neither have the confidence or the aesthetics to be a sex worker to command a sex worker rate( btw, I respect sex workers A LOT so ZERO judgement )A friend warned me in the beginning, there are 30% who think this is a dating/escort site, another who are HOPING its is but immediately back down after you make yourself clear, multiple times, and then there are the rest of us who really just want to snuggle up with a pretty lady/man & relax. I find that to be very accurate & have expanded my profile to explain clearly what they will and will not get when they book with me. Before I give out my cell I ask “Be sure to read my whole profile OK?” And have them confirm on pricing and expectations. There is a sense of empowerment that grows each time I hold someone in my arms and give permission for my body to be used for their relief without it ending in an orgasm I can not stress enough. There is a beautiful & sacred space between buddies cuddling watching TV in sweat pants and a hoodie and the “pound town sex work”. Deeply engaged in an open, honest conversation while snuggled up can create an intimacy beyond cheap thrills and there are people here searching for that. I wear a tank top, yoga pants or shorts so there’s plenty of “skin to skin” without it getting weird. Whether someone is a pro or not, sexual predators are everywhere and often don’t even know that’s what they’re doing when they cross a boundaries with their words… I may do a webinar on this. DM me if any of you want to discuss further, I am creating resources for ALL of us as I learn from my research at school, and my awesome clients! DM me if you need support and want to talk some more, I’m here for you too❤️🐰
Would love to talk to you at length about this.
There are maybe a handful of you that understand what I’m saying. I feel very hopeful that you’re around. I think if there were just one of you for every 1000 people, humanity would learn how to resolve its harmful behavior. Thank you for sharing.
I notice a fairly large trend here about people maintaining ignorance over their own self-awareness and how that ignorance might actually be hurting other people.
This trend just mimics the way society works, so in a way it’s very normalized. And that is very scary.
By not being aware of what abuse is and what it looks like on this website allows for people to continuously be abused. It may even allow you to continually abuse other people.
And all of this clarifies itself in one simple choice made by every person in the world: by making the conscious decision every day to look somewhere else.
That’s all you have to do to be actively complicit in all forms of emotional, physical, n sexual abuse.
By remaining ignorant of it, you actively communicate to every other person on this planet that you don’t care. You don’t care if other people are being hurt. It’s not important. And b/c you don’t care, the person who gets hurts is told not to care.
They also stay quiet. They’ve just encountered the absolute hardest thing they’ll ever have to experience, which will accompany PTSD, Trauma, Night Terrors, Hallucinations…. and they’re looking to the people around them for support.
And since the people around them choose not to know it’s happening? The abused feel like they can’t say anything.
And it just keeps happening.
This isn’t like evil. This is evil. This is how people learn that they’re not worth anything except for the abuse they receive. I used to be like that, and it took me 27 years to understand why: b/c no one cared enough to look.
By setting up a website that makes money off the professional and very little off the client, w/ little to zero understanding or concern about how many predatorial clients now frequent these sites, they’re creating more situations for sexual abuse to take place.
That means that b/c of this site, there are now more opportunities for sexual abuse than there were before this site was created.
AND THEY’RE PROFITING OFF OF IT. At this point the potential for sexual abuse is built into the payment structure of this website.
This took me about a week to see. It’s all over this site if you’re looking.
But it is up to us to look. It’s up to us to make the decision. If we don’t, we’re contributing to a place that cares very little about other people’s safety.
And that’s why I’m writing this, b/c as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it’s my duty as a human being to make sure that no-one else has to experience something so demonic.
But first we have to decide.
Hi @BenjiRader ! You asked a really good question. As a survivor, I was very uncomfortable with physical touch from a very young age and I needed to tell myself that not everyone is bad and that touch can be a very positive thing. I have so much gratitude for the site because I grew to be very comfortable with it. If I’m in the right environment with the right person, it does heal that part of me that I thought was missing.
Not to say every encounter has been positive though. Sometimes I do get triggered of course. There are a lot of people who have bad intentions and unfortunately I’ve met a few already. But this is still safer to me than meeting a stranger outside of this site and expecting them to just cuddle with no sort of expectation. At least here there is that agreement from both parties that it’s a platonic cuddle. I don’t know if I’m even explaining this right, so I’m sorry if it might be confusing.
@BenjiRader I've been watching this thread unfold without posting anything, because I didn't have anything useful to add. Now I want to say first that I have no intention of diminishing or minimalizing your life experiences. I have no idea what it must be like to live what you've lived through.
That said, I'm having difficulty understanding what changes you're suggesting need to happen on this site.
By setting up a website that makes money off the professional and very little off the client, w/ little to zero understanding or concern about how many predatorial clients now frequent these sites, they’re creating more situations for sexual abuse to take place. That means that b/c of this site, there are now more opportunities for sexual abuse than there were before this site was created. AND THEY’RE PROFITING OFF OF IT. At this point the potential for sexual abuse is built into the payment structure of this website. This took me about a week to see. It’s all over this site if you’re looking. But it is up to us to look. It’s up to us to make the decision. If we don’t, we’re contributing to a place that cares very little about other people’s safety.
Most of what you posted comes across to me as how you feel about the site, or perhaps how you feel about the people who use the site. But what concrete changes do you think need to happen with the site? Are you saying that clients need to pay the site to use it? Or are you saying that the site needs to stop charging pros entirely? Or is your point something else?
What I think I hear you saying is that there should be no financial transactions happening here - i.e. make the site 100% unpaid enthusiasts, with no profit motives for anyone. Am I hearing you right, or do I have your message wrong?
@Jubal Yes, I don't get it either. This site originally was just enthusiasts and it didn't work, as I understand it. That's why it welcomes pros now.
With due respect to the OP, if that is the kind of change he is seeking, it's likely not going to happen. I'm also not sure how the payment aspect of it figures into the larger thesis, unless it is the idea that because clients are paying, they may see that as a license to abuse. There may be something to that, but the potential for abuse would exist here even without any money involved. The nature of the site, its audience, and cuddling in general is going to invite predators - you have a lot of vulnerable people, some victims of past trauma, gathered here, and that is going to attract abusive personalities.
Is there more the site could do on the protection side? Probably. But the things that spring to mind are things that would probably cause an exodus of members (the good people as well as the bad), so I can see why they would lean away from doing them. At the end of the day, the site facilitates connections, but it's not legally responsible for what happens afterwards. (In the same way that I don't believe anyone has successfully sued Match or eHarmony for bad dates.) It's a "let the buyer beware" situation here, and that implies there is risk involved. And only each individual member can decide what their tolerance for risk might be or if this is the best place for them.
@BenjiRader I get what you mean, it’s not difficult for me to see this in black-and-white. It’s part of the reason I am no longer a Pro.
removed at posters request [Shake]
@MotherBunny I love your post. I'm so happy that this has been empowering for you. I have also been sa'd as they, a lot, and despite so much therapy, I'm still struggling with this. I've been feeling really discouraged but your reply lifted my hopes a little.
@WriterGF I was here before pros became a thing. I remember one of the owners put out a thread or emailed us, I can't remember, if we were for or against adding pros. I think they wanted to make money, but also, you could not find anyone to cuddle! I was so desperate after my divorce for some affection (I didn't get any in my marriage either) and I spent many hours looking everywhere. The only place I find that even had a cuddle option was FetLife, and that was way too scary for me to consider. So I voted yes but didn't hire one until 8 years later.
@billiam What I heard was that there were an enormous amount of men and not a lot of women (pretty much the same way the enthusiast landscape is now), so pros were the only option for the site to survive. I do believe the site should be more upfront about there being pros here and do less of the "just sign up and find someone to cuddle" - because if you're a guy, you can't immediately find someone to cuddle unless you are willing to spend money on a pro.
@WriterGF There are several other popular cuddle sites. But they are all pros only. If CC were to come clean about that, then it would be admitting to being much the same as the others. At least on this site a guy has the POSSIBILITY of an enthusiast cuddle. A guy doesn't need to spend money to even send or receive a message, which is the case for several other sites. Other sites take a 40% cut versus the 15% here. btw, fyi, mentioning CC in the other sites will likely get you banned.
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