Awakening / Coming Out stories

This being Pride Month, I figure we can share stories of how we realized that we're LGBTQ+, and when we came out to people. To offer inspiration, encouragement, and support.

For me, I'd been thinking more and more about how life would be better if I'd been born a girl. Almost certainly a side effect of therapy and learning how to stop masking and be myself. If I'd been born a girl, dating would be easier. I wouldn't have to play the role of the aggressor, a role I'm not at all suited for. If I'd been born a girl, people would have been more tolerant of me, willing to give me the benefit of the doubt, probably even more welcoming. Being shy and withdrawn is cute in a girl but creepy in a guy. If I'd been born a girl, I could wear those pretty skirts and dresses and colorful things, and paint my nails in pretty colors and wear pretty hairstyles. If I'd been born a girl, it would be okay to ask for and offer hugs.

Then one day it happened. I was dwelling on my life and my fate, and how unsuited I was for the world. And I thought to myself, "If I'd been born a girl ... ... holy fuck, I'm trans!" I'm not normally prone to swearing like that, but such was my shock and surprise, there was no lesser word that would work. Then, of course, I immediately asked myself, "But am I really trans?" But there was one thing that convinced me. I'd also been wondering, "If I'd been born a girl, what would I want my name to be?" And so I chose my new name more than a month before I realized that I'm transgender. And I also did a lot of talking to other trans people on Discord and reading trans people's accounts on the web. I read up on bottom surgery. The description of bottom surgery and the six painful weeks of recovery did give me a moment's pause, but it took less than 5 seconds for me to say "Worth it!"

The details of seeing a doctor and getting on hrt so I'll skip it, other than to say I managed to get on hrt very quickly.

Coming out was not a problem for me. I lived in a liberal area, had liberal friends (a couple of whom are trans), worked at a company with a strong liberal and inclusive culture, and my family is liberal and already knew transgender people. My parents were immediately accepting, which didn't surprise me at all. Once I was comfortable enough to start presenting female in public, I came out to my immediate team at work. Managers were notified, but everyone else found out more quietly. One person said he noticed my name change in Slack, and told me congratulations. A bit later, another person messaged me saying one of the programs still had my deadname, so I could change it. The only thing that surprised me there was when the VP of Engineering called to ask if there was anything he could do to help.

One of my friends, a lesbian, I had joked with about forming a comedy duo. She would tell the jokes, and I would be the straight man. I sent her an email saying, "If we ever do form a comedy team, I will be unable to be the straight main, as I am now neither." And I had another friend who I had shared a social group with. She had commented a few times I was like one of the girls (which always pleased me - a clue which seems obvious in hindsight). So my message to her was "You know how you've said that I'm like one of the girls?"

The first time I brought my car in for an oil change after I started presenting female, the mechanic looked me up by phone number, said "You're -...", realized the name did not match the person in front of him, and quickly switched to "Your last name is ....?" Basically, there was acceptance wherever I went.

People said I was brave for coming out. I never felt brave. You can't be brave without risk. Now if I'd lived in Texas, Florida, Ohio, or other similar states, coming out would truly be brave.

It has been over three years since I started presenting as female. Over three years since I have worn pants (other than while clearing snow). I have absolutely no regrets.

One final note. About half a year after I came out, another person came out as trans, encouraged by how well it had gone for me.

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Comments

  • [Deleted User]FriendlyFemale (deleted user)

    @Unscented_Lemon Thanks for sharing. 🫶 I'm glad you're now truly you & were easily accepted by everyone.

  • @Unscented_Lemon thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your story.

  • It's so awesome hearing your story of how much you've progressed over the years. It inspires hope and shows everyone that things can better over time if we keep working towards them.

    And it's so cool how your coming out inspired someone else to do the same. That's where things really get beautiful, when being open about ourselves not only makes our lives better, but those who can get inspiration from us. And it also makes the people that you've come out to better too, because it gives them a wider exposure to people with different experiences. It's an awesome thing.

    It's also motivating to see how open and accepting some people can be. Like with any of these types of social progress, it's always nice to have a good balance of looking back and seeing how far things have progressed while still being motivated to continue to push forward and work for more progress. It's a journey that may never truly have an end, but every bit of progress counts.

    And sometimes the more pushback there is, the bigger of a sign that progress is happening.

    I'm also happy that you have gratitude for your own experience. Gratitude is so important for all of us, in whatever form works for us.

    And finally, even though I'm male, I did find it interesting how I can still relate to some of your feelings about being feminine at the beginning. I always feel like I've had a balance of traditionally masculine and feminine traits, and I've been learning that it's completely fine for me to define my own masculinity in that way. It's a lot more complex and nuanced than it appears at first. I still do a lot of masking myself and I'm trying to learn to find healthy ways to not do it as much.

  • edited June 2024

    This thread got buried a bit, but I hope more will join in!

    Thank you for starting it, @Unscented_Lemon , and for sharing some of your story 💖


    I knew pretty early on that I wasn't 100% straight, but bi didn't seem like the right fit as bi culture at the time was very much pushing the "men + women" binary vs the more inclusive "hetero + homo" it was intended to be and is now. I'd only been in hetero monogamous relationships up until my mid 20s, but it hung on me like an ill-fitting coat and the weight of guilt and shame over having feelings for people outside my relationships was always hard. (Note: I do not personally include polyamory in the LGBTQIA+ umbrella, but there is a lot of overlap with multiple identities. Polyamory is my relationship orientation, but that is not why I'm part of LGBTQIA+.)

    When I finally started coming out of my shell and exploring my identity, realizing I am bi, demi, and polyam in the process, it was a huge paradigm shift from the heteronormative fantasy I'd bought into. I realized I didn't actually want the 2.5 kids and white picket fence - which was tricky because I was engaged to a man from the rural South with a very conservative family at the time. He was/is amazing and supportive, thankfully, of me exploring my needs and us opening our relationship. We're still close friends 10 years later even 3k miles apart though our marriage never materialized.

    Coming out was largely uneventful for me because I grew up in a liberal town in California and mostly have had progressive friends, many of them also LGBTQIA+. A lot of them already knew before I did 😅 I have not formally come out to most of my extended family and have generally lost contact with them anyway, as I knew they would not understand. My father was the big surprise though. I figured he'd kind of shrug off the being bi, but I wasn't sure how he'd take me being polyam, seeing as I was engaged at the time. Instead, he took a moment and then said "I get it. I still love your mom (who died a few years previously), but I love your step mom too. I can understand loving more than one person at the same time. As long as you are happy." Needless to say, my then fiance and I were relieved!


    I still to this day struggle with not feeling "queer enough", since I've largely been with cisgendered heterosexual men. I have to remind myself that I don't have to perform being bi for others to be bi. I've had relationships with trans/non-binary folks, been attracted to other women, and just knowing that is enough. And being demisexual, while hard to explain to allosexual folks, is definitely a huge part of my experience. I've never experienced physical attraction the way "normal" aka allosexual people describe it, could never relate to a lot of those experiences. Similarly, a lot of demisexual people fall closer on the asexual side of the scale and so I may not seem "demi enough". But imposter syndrome is an old friend of mine I've been gradually unpacking.

    I should note that while in this comment I used bisexual to describe myself, I usually use bisexual as an umbrella term and then will use pansexual/omnisexual interchangeably for more specificity depending on the audience and how much I feel like explaining the difference 😅🤷🏻‍♀️ Technically omnisexual feels the most accurate for me, but I don't mind using bi and pan as they are not incorrect and still get the idea across.

  • @cuddlefaery Thank you. I love how your story trails off. (because it obviously hasn't ended yet)

    I'll note that all of LGBTQIA+ is gender or sexuality terms. I'd call polyamory a romantic identification. Though my only objection to adding it to LGBTQIA+ is I think we're running out of letters.

    These days I think of myself as pansensual.

    Though there was a time when I thought I was pandemisexual.

    Yes, I know that pansexual doesn't mean you really like certain cooking implements.

  • edited June 2024

    @Unscented_Lemon

    The main issue with including most polyam folks in the alphabet mafia is they're cisgendered heterosexual, usually white middle class, and often have zero experience of the stigma and other common experiences the rest of the queer folk have. Additionally, a lot of polyam folk view it more as a lifestyle choice, not an identity, while some very much view it as part of their identity. If the cishet polyam folks could be fully respectful and keep space for the queer folks, it'd be less of an issue. But really, polyam folks are fine just having their own space and being allies if they are not crossovers, imho. We don't have to be part of the rainbow to advocate for ourselves.

    Personally, for me being polyamorous is my romantic orientation the same way aromantic is an orientation. I have always been romantically attracted to multiple people at the same time, have always desired multiple committed relationships - LONG, long before I knew it could be a thing. We're talking childhood. I always had multiple intense crushes on close friends (demi + polyam is a helluva thing). My imaginary friends as a young child were even a throuple, though I didn't have the word for it 😂 I imagined being part of commune with faeries and trees where everyone loved each other and no one was ever jealous or possessive, long before I knew about hippies or actual communal living.

    For me, polyamory is my relationship orientation and ethical non-monogamy is the lifestyle choice I make to support that identity. Similar to how gay and lesbian people don't always live in relationships that match their orientations, for a long time I did not match my lifestyle to mine. However, I was never persecuted for my orientation. Do I get funny looks and ocasional pushback or arguments? Absolutely. In the South, I could have lost my teaching job & license if I were out. But that pales in comparison to what was happening to my trans and queer friends while I was there. I could have moved, found another job. They were getting beat up, locked up, denied rights, and permanently traumatized, for being who they are. Living in the South for 7+ years radicalized me far more than growing up in Hippie-Ville California could have ever done.

    And yeah, my story definitely isn't done yet. Unmasking my neurodivergence is definitely changing things a lot for me too. It's likely going to make things a bit easier for me as far as "feeling queer" as I don't feel the need to pretend to be someone else as much. I just need my stupid health to stabilize again so I can have the energy to feel like dating 😅

  • @cuddlefaery I do definitely see your point. I suppose we could use the letter Y for poly, because sometimes it's a vowel and sometimes it's a consonant.

    I'd say there's a three-axis model of gender, sexual, and romantic identities. If we want to include all three axes, everything except straight cishet would all fit into "non-traditional relationships".

    That hardly seems fair, doesn't it. One very specific relationship type is singled out as "normal". And that division causes so many problems.

  • @Unscented_Lemon and I think pansensual absolutely can be a thing. One of the things I've observed more with aspec folks, especially demi ones, is the ability to differentiate between different forms of attraction more easily than others. I try to explain it to allo folks and they just kinda smile and nod or glaze over lol

    • there's aesthetic attraction - you're pretty/handsome, like a flower, art, sunset
    • There's affectionate/platonic attraction - sometimes called a squish, like I think you're really cool and really, really want to be BFFs with you!
    • There's noetic attraction - I like the way your brain works and want to dive inside your inner world to learn more
    • There's intellectual/intelligence attraction - you seem really smart/knowledgeable and that is appealing
    • There's sensual attraction - you feel good to touch/smell/taste/hear, or I like the way I feel when you do those with me
    • There's physical attraction - aka chemistry, an undefinable quality that seems to pull people together, likely driven by genetics, pheromones, hormones, minute body language, etc.
    • There's emotional attraction - I desire to be emotionally intimate with you, usually because I trust you and you make me feel safe
    • There's romantic attraction - I desire a romantic relationship with you, however we define that, with romantic mutual love
    • There's sexual attraction - specifically with strong desire towards sexual activity with you
    • there's attraction fluidity - meaning our attraction to people can and will change over time and it isn't always a forward progression, but may sometimes skip around or do wibbly wobbly things or be multiple things at once. Humans are complicated, and our attraction to other humans is as well.

    (Sharing this for those who are less familiar with some of the more nuanced concepts around human sexuality and identity)

  • @Unscented_Lemon I think right now, in our current culture and reality, it's a case of "until things are truly equal, we must focus on equity".

    And as one person pointed out on social media and I was chagrined to be reminded, we place a lot of energy on the relationship side of Pride/LGBTQIA+ but forget that for some it's purely about identity. It's not all about "Love is Love" and non-traditional relationships, but also just the right for people to exist freely as they are, without systemic bias built in to keep them from surviving and thriving. Intersex people often get forgotten, or hetero trans folks. In our exuberance to preach love instead of hate, the message got muddied and lost a bit.

    If all things were equal, sure, I'd love to have all non-traditional relationships be included in the rainbow. But by that point, there would not be a need for their inclusion one would hope.

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)


    @cuddlefaery I just read your spoiler about like the 10 different types of attraction so is it possible to feel like all 10 at once and is it normal to transition from one to another? Which one would you say is the most common?

  • @cuddlefaery I'd like there to be no such thing as traditional and non-traditional relationships. No relationship type, attraction, or identity better or worse than any other. It's harder to have prejudice when nothing is "abnormal".

    Understanding different types of attraction has helped me tons. It's clarified a lot of things, in a good way. It's okay to find someone breathtakingly beautiful. It doesn't imply sexual interest. Feeling comfortable with someone and actively desiring their presence doesn't mean I'm in love with them. Finding someone attractive in whatever way doesn't have to mean I want to date them.

    There's one more thing that trans women in particular are aware of. Euphoria boners. Like the first time you try on a skirt, and your reaction makes you wonder if it's all just a fetish. Nope, you're just really happy, finally being you. This probably also happens to cis men, but they generally have no reason to question if it's sexual interest. You can imagine how that can cause problems.

  • @lonelytauros for most people it's probably fluid between several at any given time. Humans are very, very rarely at the extreme ends of the bell curve and tend to have more shades to them.

    For me personally,

    attraction styles definitely fluctuate over time with different individuals, and likewise relationship structures may or may not adapt as well. I don't know that I experience one form of attraction more than others - perhaps slightly aesthetic and sensual due to being in the arts and my sensory issues? But in general, it's not ever in neat little boxes that are easy to label.

    And all 10 at once? Unlikely -
    it's pretty unreasonable and unrealistic to expect one person to meet ALL of our needs. I've certainly had times I've been heavily attracted to people in multiple ways, but maybe like 4 at a given moment. Physical & sexual attraction are also pretty rare for me, being demi/on the asexual spectrum. I almost always have to form an emotional connection with someone before a physical attraction might kick in, and it's not guaranteed.

    Over the years of experience, I've learned to be able to hazard a guess ahead of time based off of other forms of attraction, but it's not foolproof. The disappointment of not having physical chemistry with someone you mesh with in so many other ways can be really tough - especially if they take it as a rejection. Being ENM means at least other relationship structures are available to us, if they're open to that, but a lot of times it's ended up not working out and that's on if unfortunate.

  • [Deleted User]Babylonguy60 (deleted user)

    Awesome story, one question. What is HRT?

  • edited June 2024

    @Unscented_Lemon
    First,

    I had to lol a bit at the euphoria boner as you're not the first to describe that to me. One of my partners who is gender fluid said similar about the first time they started wearing dresses publicly not at drag events. The vibe was just so completely different, and it reaffirmed for them at their femme side was more than just their drag persona. They even tried living fully transitioned as a woman for a time, but it still didn't feel quite right and have settled into their fluidity. I'm just glad they have the support here to be authentically them.

    It's interesting as an observer though to watch them change from being them as their femme selves vs them as their drag persona - it's absolutely different, and as a performing arts person myself, I so totally get it. It makes me wonder how similar that euphoria feels, internally, to neurodivergent unmasking? Because I know for me the weight lifted is some pretty hefty stuff. I understand how masking on stage vs masking in real life feels, how one is a safe space from the other, and how unmasking in the latter is a whole lot more intimate than unmasking on stage in front of thousands could ever be.

    One thing about being demi and bi/pan/omni that has made the "bi panic" harder - when people are so freakin aethetically, intellectually, platonically attractive it makes it incredibly intimidating to tell them that. Like, I'd love to just be able to tell someone how beautiful they are and that I want to be their friend....but that's WAY more scary than asking them out on a date. Wtf is that?!? 😅

  • @Babylonguy60 HRT = Hormone replacement therapy. It is supplementing the hormones our bodies already produce, as humans of all genders produce both androgens and estrogens, the main sex-linked hormones.

    People use HRT to supplement low estrogen/progesterone levels (or suppress high testosterone levels) for many reasons - such as menopause/perimenopause, osteoporosis, birth control, certain cancers, severe acne, PCOS, and gender affirming care.

    People use HRT to supplement low testosterone levels (or suppress high estrogen/progesterone levels) for an equal number of reasons - like hypogonadism, certain cancers, low libido, low muscle and bone mass, low fertility, and gender affirming care.

  • Given what it means to be ace, I'd prefer not to go into too many details (concerning the clues) on a platonic cuddling site, so let's just say there were signs lol. I noticed I enjoyed my time with partners more then any actions themselves and was more comfortable with cuddles then with... other stuff. People often thought I was gay(sometimes friends would invite me over & I'd overhear parents ask that question), but I knew it wasn't that. The way other guy's talked, it was easier just to write myself off as a freak of nature than to question it much further. It didn't really feel like there was anyone I could talk to about it, much less understand, so it was easier to just accept I was different and move on.

    Years passed & everything finally clicked in the most unlikely of places. I was just chilling with a friend, watching Bojack Horseman on Netflix, and one of the characters named Todd actually put the word asexual to define what his experience. Not only was his story starting to sound familiar, but I thought to myself "holy f@%#, there's a word for this?!" Not only was there word, but there was an entire spectrum to validate any questions I had when I looked up what it means. Eventually the comfort to share set in after about a year, & the first few friends I shared it with were supportive. One of them seemed more excited for me then I was lol. Another friend asked me if she could tell the guy she was seeing so that he'd stop hassling her about hanging out with a guy. After agreeing, it took me off guard when he started asking alot of personal questions that almost made me regret this immediately. "Oh well" I thought. Atleast he was done hassling her...

    June came around & I made a decision. I'd talk about it once & move on. "If ya know, ya know, 'cause from here on out I won't be advertising it, but I won't be hiding it either." To me, being ace should be the least interesting thing about me as an individual. For the most part, I think I stayed true to that mindset. It only ever came up when people asked or when it was related to the topic. Weirdly I have found myself talking about it more since I joined this site, but I believe that's because finding this community was game changing for me. This site isn't perfect, but it's provided me with an environment where I can cuddle with expectations of more. To that end, I'm grateful.

  • edited June 2024

    Wouldn't mind a double cuddle don't know where when how lol

  • [Deleted User]MaverickLegend (deleted user)

    @FutureHeart2023 with all due respect this isn’t the right thread for that comment please try the double cuddle thread

  • edited June 2024

    Just want to say thank you to those who are sharing their stories!

    It took a Long Time for me to figure out I was ace (asexual). It was at the end of my 10-year marriage when I finally accepted it and came out to family and friends. I discovered and read about the term 9 years prior, but I dismissed it. "I'm just a late bloomer," and, "I just have a low libido." Now, I think I couldn't admit it to myself for all that time because of what it might mean for my marriage.

    When I was a teenager, I think I could have identified myself as ace if I'd heard of it, but it wasn't ever spoken of at that time, at least not by anyone in my circles. I do wish I had known earlier. It would have made many things easier, and it would have helped me to make better decisions that worked for me specifically. That is why I tend to be pretty open about my identity as ace and why I came out publicly. I want people to know it's a thing! It's legitimate, and it doesn't mean you're broken!

    It has taken another 4 years for me to realize (and literally I just accepted it this week) that I'm also on the aromantic spectrum. Maybe aro + quoiromantic, maybe demiromantic. Somewhere in there. It has taken this long to separate out what I actually experience from what I've hoped to/tried to/expected to experience. I'm 37, and I've never really understood the difference between platonic and romantic love. I just love. Love is love. I don't experience sexual and romantic attraction, and (though this isn't true for every ace/aro) I don't really desire s** or kissing or other forms of romantic affection. I love cuddles and closeness and definitely get attracted to peoples' personalities and minds, but essentially it's all the same strong platonic connection regardless of who it is.

    Edit to add I grew up in a very conservative family, and I still consider myself a Christian. In a lot of my family and church community, being ace is completely dismissed. "God can heal you," and "God didn't make you that way," are common, as well as, "All/most women feel that way - your experience is totally normal," are all things I've been told. I believe that many conservatives cannot accept asexuality as a thing because it means they'd have to accept other orientations, as well. Don't get me started on dating apps and the stupid comments there. I've decided recently that dating is probably not a good goal for me. I will be focusing on building up my platonic connections. (And yeah, even when you match "as friends" on dating apps, there's a very strong chance that if the other person is allosexual, they are going to be hoping for or looking for "more" at some point.)

  • @SnugglyChelle oof, that

    "I'm just a late bloomer"
    "I just have a low libido"
    (Not stated, but my own experience) "If I really loved my partner, I wouldn't feel this way, so I must not actually love my partner..."

    TEN YEARS LATER

    Still a late bloomer...? Still a low libido? Still maybe don't love my partners enough that I thought I loved?!?

    Oooooooooooooooh. So this is actually a thing. I'm not actually broken.

  • @cuddlefaery I even had breakups because of it. I told a guy I was long-distance dating in my teens that I "wasn't sure" if I loved him. In my neurodivergent mind, this was reasonable, just sharing info, didn't mean I didn't like him. I was totally taken aback when he was heartbroken and broke up with me! Fast forward some 8 yrs or so, and I had another relationship end because the boyfriend was talking about love and butterflies, and I explained that I didn't feel butterflies but that didn't mean I didn't love him. He decided I didn't actually love him if I didn't feel it the way he did, so he broke up with me. I could name other examples, as well. SMH.

  • @SnugglyChelle

    Also, the difference in feeling between cuddly, giddy, happy crush/squish butterflies and slightly queasy, hot flashy, lusting butterflies.

  • @cuddlefaery I can relate my own experiences. Neurodivergent unmasking is a slow, gradual process. You have to learn what masking is and what masking you do. You have to figure out what is you and what isn't you. The euphoria of presenting as your correct gender for the first time is very sudden and sharp.

    An analogy I often use is that you are covered with heavy chains. When unmasking, you lose the chains one at a time, with things getting a little easier with each one. The euphoria is more like many if not all of the chains shattering at once. It's not only joyful but incredibly freeing.

    Also, I'd say "presenting full time as a woman" instead of "living fully transitioned full time as a woman". Presenting full time is a part of transitioning, but there's usually more involved too. It can vary from person to person, so I'm not going to try to write out a gatekeepy list.

  • A few people here have expressed the reason why I started this thread. To spread awareness by sharing stories. To give someone who never suspected a chance to read a story that they unexpectedly find relatable. To provide people with vocabulary they need in order to express what they're feeling. After all, imagine trying to write a recipe without knowing the names of any of the ingredients.

    Or also to offer a glimpse of our mysterious lives to people who have no experience with it. It's very difficult to truly understand something you don't have experience with.

    You're all wonderful people! :)

  • Oh, a couple more thoughts.

    @cuddlefaery Telling someone they're beautiful, unless they're a kid or a nervous friend, means you're interested in them. It shouldn't, but that's how it's often seen. Similar to how when I identified as male, I eventually learned that saying "hello" to women meant I was interested in them. I still struggle with that idea.

    @SnugglyChelle There's a certain irony that a culture that says sex is bad and glorifies abstinence also says that not wanting sex is bad.

  • An analogy I often use is that you are covered with heavy chains. When unmasking, you lose the chains one at a time, with things getting a little easier with each one. The euphoria is more like many if not all of the chains shattering at once. It's not only joyful but incredibly freeing.

    @Unscented_Lemon thank you for that analogy! That helps me wrap my brain around how while there's some similarities in experience, they are also quite different (very, very understandably).

    Both are a process of uncovering one's true self, but the sensorial and emotional experience is quite different. Not so dissimilar to how different flavors of neurodivergency can exhibit the same symptoms/behaviors, yet they stem from very different places. It's a great reminder that while our own experiences allow us to empathize with others', we also cannot assume we know what theirs is like on a more granular level.

  • edited June 2024

    @SnugglyChelle There's a certain irony that a culture that says sex is bad and glorifies abstinence also says that not wanting sex is bad.

    @Unscented_Lemon

  • Truly you have a dizzying intellect. :)

  • edited June 2024

    comment removed

  • Appropriate username

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