Why the gender imbalance?

[Deleted User]SariSari (deleted user)
in General

Hey everyone. I won't lie that there's a bit of cynicism to my question, but I am trying to ask with sincere curiosity. Why the gender imbalance? If this is a cuddle website, why are men specifically looking for women? Heterosexual women cuddle each other all the time, I thought that if I would see one website where men are more open to cuddling other men, it would be this one, but instead I see the similar dynamics I've seen on dating websites, the same gender imbalance which precisely puts me off so much from these.

Maybe I'm just too queer to understand but I've never even thought about the possibility of making a gender distinction for platonic cuddles. It's platonic, right? What does it matter which gender your friends are? I'm genuinely asking because I don't understand, sincerely.

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Comments

  • sunnysideupsunnysideup

    I can tell you from my point of view, as a hetero guy. I think that it’s mostly social programming - that we were ingrained from a young age that something even like hugs should be severely limited with other guys, which then kinda trickles down to cuddling - can only be done with the gals.

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    I don’t know if it’s the case at all, as far as actual membership here but it seems like there are a lot of straight men wanting to feel “something” they’re missing from a straight woman.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    Not to mention the fact there are a lot of men who would also choose the bear over another man. I have seen more than one man here say he would be more worried about being potentially assaulted by another male than by a female.

  • starrynitecudsstarrynitecuds

    On this site, it's well-established that most men are paying for cuddling, so they are actually consumers/clients.
    I'm not sure why it matters to anyone who someone else prefers.
    I'm a woman and don't care to cuddle other women here (or my female friends.) Personal preference. I'm limiting only myself, which is ok.
    I don't cuddle with many friends, platonic or romantic; it's still a form of intimacy. Like with dancing or even hand-holding, I choose who's sharing my personal space.

  • TxTomTxTom

    Generally speaking, men overwhelmingly choose women because for most of our million years of human history, close intimate affection generally leads to that which shall not be mentioned here.

    It's not "social programming," it's instinct. And it ensures the continuation of the species.

    Today, although websites like this purposefully limit interactions to only that which is platonic, the decision with whom to cuddle is stili largely influenced by that instinct.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    I've noticed that the men who are able to overcome their social programming are generally happier. And, I suspect, are better cuddlers to women as well. If you think about it, there's huge stigma on men showing any sort of affection to other men. Handshakes not hugs, and things like that. Men are only supposed to seek affection from women, and at that, they're supposed to be seeking sex, not affection. In a lot of places, accepting genuine affection from another man makes them gay, which is like a horrible crime. Our culture is full of internalized (and often blatant) homophobia, for various reasons.

    I'm curious about cultures where male-to-male affection was never stigmatized. Do they even need something like this site?

  • HealingSystemHealingSystem

    I don't know. I think the whole thing is stupid. I don't care who holds me, I just want to be held. That's all. I don't care who you are. As long as you're kind and gentle, that's all that matters

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    Social programming, instinct who knows what has the most impact I'm sure society plays a huge role in every choice. I personally would pick the beat over another human any day because i know it's not in a bears nature to cause harm to me, what i don't know is in a humans nature or intention.

    But while this site is platonic it doesn't take a way our senses. We see, hear, and smell so we are likely to be drawn to what appeals. Right or wrong i think majority of men and women identify as heterosexual so the initial sends us toward the opposite sex, first. If we dug deeper in to what they are looking to satisfy they may be open to more options but i don't think we are ready to explore that thought and/or don't want to. Socially that's where we are at, without outside influence that won't change. I personally have no desire to explore the thought of any intimacy with a man out side of and exchange of ideas. I have no interest in being intimate with someone who has an unpleasant odor, while they may be great people. I could list many other descriptors but it starts with man.

    what is being challenged seems to be why doesn't everyone s think like me? My question would be why would you want them to? You may believe it would solve the gender imbalance problem with the site, but i dont think that is a problem i care about in the slightest. It's something i expect in the world. If it changed it might make me uncomfortable as well, but it wouldn't change my behavior.

    Also, is platonic touch something we desire or something we accept because we aren't getting what we want. For me i can tell you if i had more of the type of touch i want or felt i needed i would not consider seeking a platonic touch. My touch need would be fulfilled. I promise i mean that. The entire time i been in this site I've been single, if i wasn't or had sexual partners or anything in between id not be on the site. If i were to have a physical romantic relationship i would not think of cuddling platonically with someone i don't know. So i can't help but believe many people have similar feelings.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    It occurs to me, for people who watch popular media, count the instances of platonic cuddling (by people not romantically involved) by genders (eg, F-F, M-M, M-F). This is part of the social programming that we experience. Though I suppose the writers could be instinctively avoiding backlash from certain groups for "promoting homosexuality".

    @HealingSystem That's the best attitude.

  • [Deleted User]SariSari (deleted user)

    I'm not sure why it matters to anyone who someone else prefers.

    Put that way... I don't mean to invalidate anyone's preference.

    close intimate affection generally leads to that which shall not be mentioned here.

    I'm not really sure I agree. Do you have a source on that? I would argue that touching and grooming is something that's been done for a very long time by people who have no interest in having sex whatsoever. Many of our other primate cousins groom with no sexual intent. It seems more likely to me at least (I could be wrong, what do I know) that while non-sexual touch is perfectly natural, we've made it more sexual because of our cultures. I mean, in some cultures being topless isn't sexualised for example.

    If you think about it, there's huge stigma on men showing any sort of affection to other men. Handshakes not hugs, and things like that

    I suppose I expected a place specifically about cuddles to break from the mold a bit more than that. It is what it is.

    Thanks for your answers.

  • [Deleted User]SariSari (deleted user)

    The entire time i been in this site I've been single, if i wasn't or had sexual partners or anything in between id not be on the site. If i were to have a physical romantic relationship i would not think of cuddling platonically with someone i don't know. So i can't help but believe many people have similar feelings.

    I guess that's what's strange about this to me. Platonic touch is just kind of normal to me, not something that must act as a replacement for a lack of a romantic partner. When I think of having a friend I can cuddle with, I just think of having a close friend that enjoys human touch, that's it. I don't think of being someone's replacement touch from their lack of a romantic partner... I don't think that there's anything wrong with it, but it's too one-sided for me.

    I'm probably the weird one here. Always had friends I cuddle with and I'm polyamorous. Do what you want with your life yall, I'm not telling you how to live yours as long as you don't tell me how to live mine.

  • cobrapause44cobrapause44

    Is this a real post? Why do people have preferences that aren’t exactly the same as mine?

  • [Deleted User]SariSari (deleted user)

    Is this a real post? Why do people have preferences that aren’t exactly the same as mine?

    Thanks for your constructive response. Have a nice day!

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @SariSari i don't think you're invalidating and it was not my intention either. I think what i was saying that to get to what problem are you trying to solve. And to further point out that it may not be a problem that can be solved because of ex whi zee . Because i don't know that it's a problem because of blah bah.

    Also i was stating they for me touch is necessary, but as for the type of touch platonic is way down the list of priority touches. If my need or desire for touch was satisfied elsewhere i wouldn't seek it. For me the idea of cuddling someone not romantically was new and nothing i considered seek prior to me finding this. So with that in mind i naturally first think of a woman as an option. If i were to think of the ways to might just happen to touch a man in life it be a handshake, brief hug or football (and i don't like football) so it's just not a consideration for me at all. Maybe it's social engineering that made me feel that way but i do.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @SariSari I think it's great that you have friends you can do this with. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not. Even were I interested in cuddling with another male, I have very few male friends. My female friends are all married and there is no way on Earth their husbands would ever agree to them cuddling with anyone else, particularly another man. So cuddling with a close friend would simply not be an option, and I doubt I'd be alone in that circumstance (or no one would be here).

    I think Iron Lemon's question about cultures where male-to-male contact is not stigmatized is an interesting one. I can certainly think of cultures where men are much faster to hug each other, etc., than in the US (which is still a very Puritan country, in some respects). Not sure that translates into a willingness to get into bed with another guy for a prolonged cuddle, though. Could be, or it could be seen as apples and oranges.

  • [Deleted User]SariSari (deleted user)

    @SariSari I think it's great that you have friends you can do this with. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not. Even were I interested in cuddling with another male, I have very few male friends. My female friends are all married and there is no way on Earth their husbands would ever agree to them cuddling with anyone else, particularly another man. So cuddling with a close friend would simply not be an option, and I doubt I'd be alone in that circumstance (or no one would be here).

    Thanks for describing your situation to me, I can empathise with that even from my bubble over here.

    I just hope we can make our societies a bit more communal over time. In my opinion, it should never be this hard to make friends and find human contact in the first place. And I certainly don't blame people here for it being that way.

    Cheers everyone.

  • SolarisSolaris

    I came back to this site as an adjunct to the therapy I'm doing, to try and heal some wounds. My therapist thought it would be a good idea. And it has been. The pros I've worked with have been fantastic.

    Yet, I did not get what I was looking for out of the sessions. And that's not their fault. I wasn't clear in my own head or heart what I wanted. I had been trying really really hard to figure it out, but it wasn't working. People with significant unresolved trauma have a gatekeeper that keeps certain information and emotions buried. So I couldn't see it.

    The cuddling here helped me progress to where I was ready to see IT. And after a car accident on Friday the 13th, IT came out.

    What I've needed this whole time is to heal my mother wound. I'd had that thought before, but it didn't click. It was just an idea. But now the feeling is real. The new trauma revealed to me my original wound, the one I'd been unconsciously trying to heal with my female friends, romantic partners, and platonic cuddle buddies.

    So last week I found a woman who does remothering. I had my first session on Sunday, and it was exactly what I've needed this whole time.

    On the other side of the experience, I can say with 100% certainty for myself, this need could not have been met by a man. And it's not because of society. There are certain ways that mothers and sons bond that you can't replace.

    I enjoy hugging men. I've even exchanged shoulder rubs and deep tissue calf massages with strangers at cuddle parties. I've even felt genuine love for men I just met during angel walks one cuddle facilitator has to close out her parties. The emotions are real and deep, and yet, I have no desire to be physically close with these men. I just don't and I do not believe that it's all because of society.

    It's always important to try and see things from someone else's perspective. And not to assume their feelings come from a bad place. Most people are good.

  • [Deleted User]YusukeU (deleted user)

    As a cis straight male, not sure why anyone feels like they should hope that other change or open their preferences. Saying that more striaght men should be open to cuddling other men and that to not want to is a problem or even stronger word homophobic. Everyone is open to prefer and like what they like and one having preferences is not a problem or something that needs to be corrected.

    Me personally, I have no issue with showing some affection towards men that I care for as in close friends and family. In different ways for each like I will give handshakes, hugs, piggyback rubs to my guy friends with no issues or questions about. Now do I want to cuddle up and each other and spoon or hold each other doing a movie not so much.

    Something that also might set me apart from some of the people here is I'm married and I'm here for professionals so I can get touch the way I want and to be a bit selfish. As in with my wife I really just want her to feel happy and safe when cuddling me so her needs come to front before anything that I want. My wife is amazing and I expressed ways I like to cuddle but she doesn't do those things naturally or I can tell she isn't comfortable which in turn because I want to comfort it makes it uncomfortable for me.

    For example I like to lay in a woman's lap and have her rub my head/neck, I like to be the little spoon when the lady lays her leg over my hip, I enjoy laying partly on top of a woman with my head resting on her stomach. Like these are things that bring me comfort and peace and with a pro I can say upfront this is what I want. So that's why I choose this kinda site vs meeting people and having to make sure your needs and theirs line up.

    Also for me women are just naturally more nuturing and comfortable to enjoy. Also there natural smell is amazing most of the time.

    Again I support anyone seeking the touch and contact they need/want from whoever they choice. I don't believe any one answer is right. But I see alot of questions like this brought up when someone not traditionally straight or trans is not happy with the amount of traditionally straight men don't want to cuddle them. This site has tons of people if you someone doesn't want to cuddle there will be at least 2 others that will. Even if you have to go to a pro.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited September 2024

    There are certainly people on here who are open to cuddling other men as well,.however it's more the exception than the rule. People will chime in with overly bulky and complicated theories about why that is but it really just boils down to level of comfort.

    I am much more comfortable personally with women in general , and all my life have counted them among my best of friends and confidants. These are the people who I've spent my life being affectionate with. So it stands to reason that I would feel most comfortable doing something like cuddling with women due to the need to feel comfortable and have some form of trusting bond. It's not an attraction thing for me or anything sexual at all, it's just personal comfort.

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)
    edited September 2024

    Interesting topic and some thoughtful comments. Personally, I have cuddled with three men and enjoyed it but just not what I normally seek. I guess I am in the same class as others who have been socially programmed.

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)
    edited September 2024

    @SariSari I think with online and social media being so prevalent now, it's more likely society will get less communal. My experience has been that, as an adult, you most frequently make friends through work - and those friends tend to disappear the second you aren't working together anymore.

  • KatotaKatota

    I really enjoyed reading the responses, to this post... Some of these comments have given me some different, enlightenment.😁

    My "beneficial learning popcorn" response! 🍿👍

  • HoosCuddlingHoosCuddling

    For me, I'm sure it's a bit of social programming.

    But also -- it's weird to cuddle with a stranger (for all intents and purposes), especially the first time. I'm always a little nervous and uncomfortable. And cuddling with another man -- where I'm very much not accustomed to that sort of interaction with a man -- just ramps the weirdness up to a level where I'm not interested.

    And, I can't ignore the fact that men commit more violent crimes than women -- a lot more. I feel much safer inviting a woman I've never met into my home or hotel room than I would with a man. I know that sounds odd for a man to say, and it makes me very much appreciate the female cuddlers I've met. I know they're putting themselves somewhat at risk to do this.

  • [Deleted User]gem7 (deleted user)
    edited September 2024

    @HoosCuddling I don't think you are alone with those thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)

    @starrynitecuds Really? Most guys are paying? Not this guy. Guess I'm one of the fortunate ones.

  • cas123cas123

    I'm wanting to share my experience as a male who cuddles platonically with both men and women. For me cuddling with another man or with a woman is a totally different experience. It comes down to masculine and feminine energy flow as I see it. For simplicity sake I will say that when I cuddle women I am the big spoon, and when I cuddle other guys, I am the little spoon. I love cuddling because I feel like it is a soft meeting space for these energies. A big spoon and little spoon both share masculine and feminine energy flow between one another and have aspects of both energies in themselves. I think masculine and feminine energy, as active and receptive forces, are predominantly seen in the biological sexes because of social conditioning, as well as the biological action of procreation and the evolutionary development of our respective bodies. I think there is a piece in all this where guys more naturally want to be the masculine big spoon in giving and receiving comfort and seek out women because they more naturally equate females with the little spoon. And where guys would want to be the little spoon, or be more with the feminine aspects of being the big spoon, it can be hard to show that level of vulnerability to another guy. Women are generally much better active receivers than men, which I see as the masculine action of the feminine force, and this allows guys to pour their feminine energies more easily into women's receptive masculine. I'm over simplifying all this, but food for thought for anyone who wants to digest this.

  • SoosonSooson

    @Katota

    I really enjoyed reading the responses, to this post.

    Are you a masochist?

  • [Deleted User]WriterGF (deleted user)

    @jimmylee If you have been able to find an enthusiast to cuddle with, yes, you are something of a rarity.

  • [Deleted User]jimmylee (deleted user)

    @WriterGF I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps it's the area in which I live.

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    I've been enjoying this thread. Most of the responses have been respectful, and a lot of people have offered their own experiences and perspectives. I know I posted before, but I can expand on what I said.

    Gender (including gender roles and restrictions) is an interest of mine, for perhaps obvious reasons. And I've been very cognizant of the various rules that people are supposed to know and follow. I was as much a victim of social programming as anymore. Perhaps more, since I was trying to follow rules that were not suited for me.

    Pre-transition, I had a lot of internalized homophobia - the fear of being seen as gay. It's something I did try to overcome, but you need other men to lead you down that path, in a safe and supportive environment where you're not going to feel like anyone is judging you (ie, not public).

    I was always more comfortable with women, but there were rules against that too. I was shy, withdrawn, and soft-spoken, and to make it worse, I tend to be blunt. Things like that may be cute in a women, but a man with those traits is a creep. I eventually learned that "You seem interesting. I'd like to get to know you better." was always interpreted as "I want to date or have sex with you." This did make me hate all the asshole lying men who did this, and that I was associated with them, but there was nothing I could do about that except give up. Similar on dating sites. I knew I couldn't stand out against a sea of assholes. I don't think I would have had the courage to join this site back then.

    Transitioning was in many ways a lifesaver for me. For this, I'm no longer subject to rules that don't suit me. I can offer and ask for hugs now, sometimes even non-verbally, usually without worrying about being seen as creepy. And I can cuddle or offer to cuddle without assumptions being made. I'm open to cuddling with men, and have cuddled with a masc person mostly without fear. The aversion to men is still there, and maybe one day therapy will help me get past it, but for certain men who feel trustworthy, cuddling is now an option for me.

    I feel like my brain faded partway through that last paragraph, so hopefully it's still coherent and meaningful. I'm not a professional sociologist, so this is all personal experience rather than researched fact, but I think a lot can be extrapolated from it. I've definitely seen the social conditioning that happens and how it has affected me. I've seen it in plenty of other people as well. My only suggestion on that is to keep questioning yourself until you arrive at the truth, and then decide if it's a truth that you like.

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