Autism Cuddles?

[Deleted User]ClassicCuddles0 (deleted user)
in General

Hi all, I recently cuddled with a guy who came across on the far end of the autism spectrum. It was all a bit akward and at times it was like I was cuddling a robot. He says he enjoyed it but it all seemed very transactional. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Any tips to make him feel more comfortable (or maybe that is his natural state and nothing needs to change)?

Comments

  • bluejjbluejj

    Hello I am a professional cuddler who has autism. Generally I would just allow him to lead in what he is comfortable with. If he said he enjoyed the session then he very likely did. You can ask him what he is most comfortable with. People with autism tend to be very honest. However, we can also say we are comfortable in order to not make you uncomfortable. Either way, I am sure he enjoyed the session. Best wishes!

  • CozyWolfyCozyWolfy
    edited January 2025

    People with autism sometimes also have a flat affect. I think overtime you can get better tuned into there subtle cues. They have just as much emotions as atypicals do though they just might not express them in the same ways we do, but we all just want to be cozy and accepted for who we are ❤
    Also if you can get them talking about some passion they have that might help!

  • HugginghealerHugginghealer

    I have worked with multiple people in different levels of autism. You have to remove your personal opinion of what a good cuddle looks like. Letting them tell you what they need or want will be the most important thing and if it's within your boundaries, rolling with it. I've had sessions where we just held hands to others where I held them like a baby to really apply pressure to calm their nervous system. The best thing you can do is really show you're patient and this is their session. Hope that helps!

    Oh and you might want to double check on sheet textures, lights, and sounds too. That's just an extra touch to show you "see" them.

  • [Deleted User]ClassicCuddles0 (deleted user)

    Thank you bluejj, CozyWolfy and hugginghealer. That's wonderful info. Thanks again 🫂

  • SunsetSnugglesSunsetSnuggles

    @ClassicCuddles0 posted: "It was all a bit akward and at times it was like I was cuddling a robot. ... it all seemed very transactional."

    @ClassicCuddles0 posted: "Any tips to make him feel more comfortable"

    It sounds like you were the one who felt uncomfortable.

    @ClassicCuddles0 posted: "He says he enjoyed it"

    I would take him at his word, and spend more energy looking inward, asking if you can accept his cuddle style / his current capacity for closeness.

    He can read this board like everyone else, and I'll be honest, if I were on the spectrum, and were referred to as awkward and robotic, I would feel quite humiliated. 😟

    ~ Sunset Snuggles

    🫂 Enthusiast 🌄 Travel Junkie 📸 Shutter Bug

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    There isn't a near and far end of the spectrum. It's a number of different axes. For instance, physical contact ranges from touch averse to touch needy. And a speech axis ranging from nonverbal to hyperverbal. And if he's masking, that will reduce his communication abilities.

    The big thing is to ask questions. He won't be offended, and he will answer honestly. If you're not completely certain about something, ask for clarification. He may not have the terminology to tell you what he needs, and very likely is afraid of offending you by saying the wrong thing (with no idea what the wrong thing is). It's unfortunately very common for neurotypicals to get angry or offended and never say why.

    And once things are established and physically comfortable, ask him about his special interest and watch his joy as he talks about it. Also, avoid eye contact.

  • OliveGreenOliveGreen

    I've had many a session with people on the spectrum. In many cases they've been a touch me not their whole lives and need a soft introduction into just sitting next to someone or holding hands. Even eye contact is something people have a hard time with. I adore these sessions and try to be as gentle and comforting as I can 🤗

  • Mare_BearMare_Bear

    I love my clients on the spectrum! It can seem awkward because it is until you feel comfortable with each other. It's ok if that takes time, let them lead the session so that they are not taken by surprise at any time. I think that goes with anyone.

  • cozysoxcozysox

    @IronLemon Not to derail this forum topic, but your description of different axes for the spectrum of autism recalls to me the other forum topic about opposites. How the concept of opposite to describe humans is in and of itself flawed because we are not linear. We are axes intersecting at different points on the line of a different axis. Lines! We're all just a bunch of conglomerations of random points on a conglomeration of different lines, but we are not the line and we are not the point, the points are disparate, but all together make us: an enigma. anyway....

    OP, Sounds like you have already been given all the feedback I would give you. People on the spectrum are sometimes brutally honest or sometimes have been masking so long white lies feel like truth to them. If you were uncomfortable because your people pleasing was triggered and you couldn't "read" this client well then you must rely on the sometimes terrifying act of communicating verbally with them. Ask them a more detail oriented question, "What was your favorite part of our session?" or "What moment did you feel the most secure/safe/comforted?"

    Best of luck out here everyone.

    Peace and lots of love.

  • sillysassysillysassy

    @cozysox and @IronLemon I love the word pictures you are describing for spectrum stuff.

    Would either of you be willing to share some of your visual images to help create a better understanding of your perspective?

    Whenever I heard the word spectrum in the past, I always think of a prism and a kaleidoscope of color and gradation, but I feel like I’ve always attached it to a “gas gauge” type graph from low intensity to high intensity and subsequently relating to high functioning or not.

    All help is greatly appreciated!! 🩷🧡🤎🤍💗💚🩵❤️🩶💙💜💓💛

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @sillysassy As someone with aphantasia, I don't really have visualizations. But this is a fairly standard chart.

    This image comes from this article:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/women-autism-spectrum-disorder/202208/autistic-linear-spectrum-pie-chart-spectrum

  • DarlingNikkiiDarlingNikkii
    edited January 2025

    @sillysassy just an FYI - there’s a big push away from using terms relating to “functioning” as they fluctuate with people. Meaning in a day someone could be different levels of functionality. Also some autistic folks can absolutely function - but require a greater need of support.

    There are 3 levels to ASD, which are levels of “support” one would need. People in the community would say “low support needs”, instead of “high functioning”. This is related to the US by the way - some countries still use Aspergers as a diagnosis.

    @cozysox the “white lie” comment can be used for anyone - and isn’t a characteristic of ASD. I’m offended personally by this statement.

    @SunsetSnuggles thanks for reminding people that autistic people are definitely reading this, and misinformation or generalizations are EXTREMELY painful.

    @IronLemon I have aphantasia too.

    I’m a pro, and autistic - I’m level 1, but can barely function. 💁🏻‍♀️

  • IronicMaidenIronicMaiden

    @NikkiFM I took the "white lie" comment as lying to yourself so much you believe it. Which is a part of masking, especially the part where you convince yourself that something is normal, or that you really ought to be able to do something that everyone else says is normal.

    I’m a pro, and autistic - I’m level 1, but can barely function.

    I'm definitely low support. All I really need is someone to keep me company, maybe give me the occasional push. It's not much, but without it, there's a lot I struggle to do.

  • xandriarainxandriarain

    @ClassicCuddles0 my number one rule in a sessions is for the other person to agree to let me know if they are uncomfortable physically or emotionally right away. Make sure to clearly communicate with your words, autistic and neurodivergent people tend to have a hard time with non verbal communication.

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