Polyamory and cuddling

sweet_colettesweet_colette
in General

Hello!

I wanted to check in and see what people feel about polyamory when it comes to cuddling.

As someone that has been in a poly relationship for 7+ years, I feel great about cuddling. I have a lot of love to give and I'm glad that I am able to do that for people that want touch.

Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I have cuddled a few poly people, including Ester. But seriously, there are a lot of polyamorous people on the site. I would say in much higher numbers than in the general population.

  • BearBear

    I’ve been polyamorous for quite a while. It’s great because my girlfriend is in another state. She supports when I’m with another cuddler.

  • MissAdventurousMissAdventurous

    I've been professionally cuddling almost 7 years and been poly for 10 years now.

    I am with you when I say, I have a lot of platonic care, love and consideration to give others. ☺️

  • cde123cde123

    I think it can work but only when everyone's polyamorous, because otherwise it's too much like the stronger negotiator picking and choosing the best of others.

  • RunawaycuddlesRunawaycuddles

    I'm definitely biased since I'm polyamorous myself, but on my half of things, I love cuddling with other poly people!
    Polyamory definitely emphasizes platonic connections a lot more than monogamy does overall, and seeing different kinds of connections for the value they bring rather than as inherent threats to romantic definitely takes a lot of pressure off.

    I do notice some tension about polyamory in most of my monogamous cuddling partners. Even with the knowledge that we're both seeking something non-romantic together, if someone isn't used to being physically close with someone who's "taken", it can bring up worries of something being unethically done or just outright wrong.
    Some cuddle partners relax into the connection with practice and open communication that helps calm those fears, but for others, even with a clear intellectual understanding of the situation and even proof of its safety, they just never really settle in, and that's ok. 🤷🏼

    Whatever the lifestyle label, if you fit well together and both feel comfortable and safe, cuddling will always be a lovely experience.
    But trying to force something, hide discomfort, "change" someone, or convince yourself or others that everything's fine when you have that gut feeling that it isn't? That's never gonna work no matter who it is, and it's important to respect that. 🤘🏻

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle
    edited July 2025

    I think in general, polyamory is more supportive of cuddling than monogamy; however, this is not the case 100% of the time.

    I think the main issue is not polyamory versus monogamy. The main issue is, is the partner of one's cuddle buddy a jealous type, or do they trust their partner's judgment?

    If they trust their partner's judgment, then it's probably fine, whether it's a monogamous or polyamorous relationship.

    If, however, they're a jealous type, it could cause problems either way.

    Jealousy is perhaps just as common in polyamory as it is in monogamy. Even seasoned polyamorists may still struggle with feelings of jealousy.

    Would such feelings of jealousy be directed at a platonic cuddle buddy of their partner? That's probably rare, but it's still possible. If someone shares tender, platonic touch with a cuddle buddy, perhaps in different ways than they do with a romantic partner, that could still lead to feelings of jealousy.

    There is also such a thing as "hierarchical polyamory". In hierarchical polyamory, there is the concept of a "primary partner." And in some cases, a polyamorous couple may have an agreement in which they vet each other's relationships with other people on an individual basis. And in theory, this could even extend to cuddle buddy relationships, although that is perhaps relatively rare. So it is possible that a hierarchical polyamorous couple could end up vetoing each other's cuddle buddies.

    Also, just like a monogamous couple, a hierarchical polyamorous couple could have various exclusivity agreements such as, for instance, face caresses are considered sacred and are reserved exclusively for the couple, and are not permitted with cuddle buddies.

    Hierarchical polyamory can be just as profoundly exclusive as monogamy.

    In non-hierarchical polyamory, I think it's very rare for such issues to come up come as long as it's truly non-hierarchical, and it isn't a case of "sneakyarchy".

    So in general, I think non-hierarchical polyamory is highly supportive of cuddling. Hierarchical polyamory, I pretty much place that in the same category as monogamy: case-by-case basis.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I think in general, polyamory is more supportive of cuddling than monogamy

    I wouldn’t say that even in general. I have cuddled a lot of people in monogamous relationships. Besides, it isn’t a competition for who is more tolerant. I never even ask what they are because quite frankly, it is none of my business and who I choose to cuddle with is about the person—not what race, ethnicity, or gender they are, or what pronouns they prefer, or whether they are mono or poly. They may care and I respect that, but it is not a deciding factor for me. I cuddle those who I like as a human being.

    I mean I have a hard enough time figuring out what I am let alone what everyone else is, so my default is always what is in that person’s heart…besides blood and cholesterol.

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle

    Besides, it isn’t a competition for who is more tolerant.

    It's not about who's more tolerant. It's about the difference in relationship structure. And in general, a polyamorous relationship structure is more conducive to having cuddle buddies compared to a monogamous relationship structure.

    The majority of people with cuddle buddies are monogamous, because monogamous people vastly outnumber polyamorous people. However, it seems that polyamorous people are overrepresented in the cuddle community relative to the general population.

  • cde123cde123

    @Sunrise_Snuggle You've made this a really interesting thread - thank you.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited July 2025

    it seems that polyamorous people are overrepresented in the cuddle community relative to the general population.

    But that is still an assumption. In general, most of the poly people I have met on here aren’t even in a romantic relationship per se. Some are, but not as many as monogamous people. I would say the dominant demographic overall is single people. After that, it splinters into all subsets of relational dynamics.

    On the flip side, I have met a lot of polyamorous people who were once in a monogamous relationship, then discovered after the fact that they were polyamorous. Divorce does that.

    I wouldn’t say conducive to any group more than the other because all people need touch. Monogamous people will go for this site whether it’s above board or surreptitiously if they really need touch. People are people. This is why I do not get caught up in the relational semantics game. That and because I have reached an age where that kind of stuff is irrelevant to me. I work off the assumption that they are grown ass adults who are capable of their own decisions and choices and I am not hear on behalf of the morality police in a balaclava mask ascertaining relationship status. If they are in my arms and I in theirs, those descriptors no longer matter. We are just cuddle buddies and friends and now they have to listen to me drone on about all sorts of minutiae.

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle

    But that is still an assumption.

    True. It's just my personal experience. I don't have any data to support it. I have met more polyamorous people through the cuddle community than I have among the general population.

    Monogamous people will go for this site whether it’s above board or surreptitiously if they really need touch.

    Yes. It's a common occurrence for monogamous people in unhappy relationships to seek cuddle friendships. Furthermore, this often occurs behind their partners' back. And I don't judge them for that.

    But it is my observation that this happens far less among the polyamorous community. Polyamorous individuals are more likely to communicate such things with their partners, or have an agreement in place that they don't need to communicate such things.

    Do I have proof of this? No. It's simply my observation that polyamorous people are on average better communicators and have clearer boundaries than monogamous people.

  • RunawaycuddlesRunawaycuddles

    Very well said all around @SunsetSnuggles!!

  • Sunrise_SnuggleSunrise_Snuggle
    edited July 2025

    Sunrise_Snuggle

    SunsetSnuggles has not commented on this thread.

  • RunawaycuddlesRunawaycuddles

    Ahahaha! My bad! 🤣
    And here I was thinking the @ function only showed people who had commented on the specific thread! 😂
    Such betrayal

  • [Deleted User]zekethebutler (deleted user)
    edited July 2025

    :'(

  • TheMidnightOwlTheMidnightOwl

    Why is this relevant?

  • beaublissbeaubliss

    I actually believe that everyone is polyamorous.....many may not be polysexual, but virtually everyone I talk to about this subject ends up admitting that they have love for many others. Sometimes that love is expressed sensually, sometimes just emotionally, but no one wants their loving restricted to a single person for the rest of their lives. Monogamy simply describes a destiny decision to interweave lives with another in a marriage....to raise a family, build a home/life, commit to the practical side of a relationship unconditionally. Being monogamous does not exclude polyamory....only binary thinking is challenged by this notion. Once you embrace paradoxical thinking, and free yourself from the binary, you're able to imagine being married to a life partner, and loving many others over the course of a lifetime with whom you connect deeply.

    And cuddling is a perfect activity to express one's penchant for connection with many :)

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @beaubliss This is exactly what I believe as well. Everyone is on the spectrum of poly. Stated well.

  • KatotaKatota

    @beaubliss That's an elegant way of putting that, thank you! ☺️

  • DotComDaddyODotComDaddyO

    It’s unfortunately a case by case basis, because no 3 people “do poly” the same.
    Personally, being poly makes me a better cuddler. I have partners already, so I’m not looking for anything sexual. Also, partners told me I was great and cuddling g and helping people feel safe and relaxed, and encouraged me.
    But to people who don’t know me think “Poly” means I try and seduce anyone who wanders into a 5 foot radius 🤷🏼‍♂️. I understand the hesitation though, safety is very important

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