Alright, I admit it, I'm lonely.
With my unique health situation, while the rest of the world got to move on from covid, unmask and function as if it was completely eradicated, I don't have that luxury. 🤷🏼
I'm 33 and the main task of my life is avoiding any potentially risky illness, all because even if I do survive the infection, even one more significant long term hit to my health, one more chronic condition, is enough to make my care permanently untenable and, umm....let's say "cancel my subscription to existence". 💀
Disability sucks, disability when you're young sucks even more, and disability that is incompatible with maintaining the normal connections everyone needs to thrive sucks the most, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. None of my conditions have viable treatments or cures, the main one is even genetic, and all of them are severely under-researched, so that's very unlikely to change in my lifetime.
I generally manage to keep a stiff upper lip about the whole situation, so much so I'm often praised for "having such a positive outlook on things" because I can usually make jokes about it. But jokes and laughter often hide pain better than anything else can, and nobody likes to hear about how things really are, so I don't really have much choice in the matter.
The thing is, our world is built for progress, profit margins, milestones of success, life achievements, financial gains, social advancement, all sorts of things that people do.
Even the most well intentioned and caring people imaginable still function within that same system that leaves no room for those of us who are cut off from all that no matter how hard we try.
Most people have jobs and families, roommates, friends and social events, people go to shows and eat at their favorite restaurants, even the poorest often have some sort of community around them, and all that is perfectly healthy.
And all of them are things I'm completely cut off from simply because of the random circumstances of my birth.
Even connections with fellow disabled people who are in my same risk level category aren't an option for building a community with because they're all just as sick as I am, each of us barely treading water at the best of times with no space, energy or ability to invest in a new connection.
So while I know there are others like me, some even local to me, it never goes anywhere, and I'm back to square one.
I know there's not much that can be done about the situation. I know the number of people who's lifestyles actually fit mine is vanishingly small, and there's not much hope in looking for something like that, especially something that would last longer term and be a good personality fit on top of everything else. I'm mostly just venting my frustration about it all, and this is the only place I can really do that where some people can relate.
It just sucks to be lonely in a way you can't fix with effort alone, or by simply breaking out of your comfort zone, ya know?
It sucks to be so isolated. And it sucks how much of the world is apparently more than happy to leave people like me behind 🤷🏼
Thanks for listening ☺️