The Honest Truth

[Deleted User]TeaBabe (deleted user)
edited March 29 in General

Update 3/29: Thank you all who have contributed to the discussion and offered your supports. I am sticking around to continue connecting with others who value genuine care, respect and reciprocity.

It’s time for me to delete my profile and end my professional cuddling. I wanted to write an honest reflection with my journey so maybe some new pros know what they’re getting into and clientele can get a feel for what we go through. I’m afraid after years of navigating unwanted advances, unsolicited conversations, dangerous situations, stalkers, coercion and unwanted touch, my body, mind, and heart have had enough. I’ve never talked about this openly here for obvious reasons, but I came from a background of sex work of over 10 years. When I discovered cuddle therapy, it seemed like such a sweet reprise and golden opportunity to practice honoring my boundaries and do what I love in a way that was sustainable and healthy for me. I always referred to this as ‘sex-work lite’, as the majority of potential ‘cuddle’ clients try to see how far they can stretch boundaries. After screening hundreds of clients, being called a prude, being harassed, and being manipulated, I’m realizing that it just isn’t something everyone can do safely or sustainably after all. It’s just too much work. I truly came into this with a pure heart and pure intentions. I am so defeated, feeling completely and utterly useless to men seeking my services unless it involves some sort of sexual element. When it was good, it was great, but that was maybe 5% of clientele. The other 95% potential clients were overwhelmingly non-platonic, and I’ve had enough. I won’t shame anyone for how they navigate their own business, but my guidelines were clear, and they were violated again and again. With many members explaining what is ‘normal’ and what is not TO ME. What’s normal is honoring each individual’s boundaries. I’m so sad and so disappointed. I feel wrong for having such boundaries, like I’m defective. I know these are hard topics to confront on the forum, but cat’s out of the bag. I’ll probably get banned for posting this, given my history, but I wanted to share my honest experience with cuddle therapy. I’ve been on CC for 10 years, I’ve made some healing progress, and made some amazing connections, but it’s def done more harm for me than good. I’m very escalated, and this reflection is mine and my own. Please no SW shame in comments. Thank you.

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Comments

  • TichantoPTichantoP
    edited March 23

    Well this is a real shame… :(

    It sucks to hear someone having such an overwhelmingly bad experience after trying for so long to get something good out of it.

    I can’t say I blame them if only 5% of their experiences were meeting expectations.

  • RomeoSapRomeoSap

    The cuddler Ive seen the most also deactivated recently because of a string of consecutive bad sessions. It's just sad. Y'all are so brave.

  • disneysamuraidisneysamurai
    edited March 23

    I had a pro I connected with very early on when I first joined deactivate her account and I was really bummed out because she was really good at cuddling, but I’m going to guess she deactivated for the same reason.

  • SouthernerinCASouthernerinCA

    I wish I could give her a hug. Even as an enthusiast, I have to deal with boundary issues.

  • CaramelNotesCaramelNotes

    @TeaBabe333 I'm so sorry you have had such a terrible experience. Thank you for speaking up.

  • BearBear

    Unfortunately this doesn’t surprise me. I’ve talked and listened with many professionals. It’s a common occurrence. Women also get berated for others saying they lie or get lumped in with the women who use this as a cover for sex work or to scam or look at this strictly as a money source.

    There are plenty of good pro cuddlers on here. Most of the time you only hear about the negative.

  • Mike403Mike403

    The first pro I met left this site in 2018 due to an overwhelmingly number of bad clients. We still see each other on a monthly basis. I book with her off the site (since she is deactivated). She told me I'm currently her only client.

  • OhioMikeOhioMike

    I’m so sad to see @TeaBabe333 delete her profile and leave the CC community.

    I had the honor of spending a couple days around her at a meet and greet we had years ago . She is genuine, kind , intelligent, and as far as I could tell a super ambassador of the cuddle community.

    I always hoped to see her again at our gatherings .

    Posts like this really hit hard on seeing the demands and tribulations of our pros here .

    Unless you’re a professional cuddler yourself I don’t think we really know what it is like being a professional cuddler .

    Quite frankly , this really sucks ! 😢

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG

    Its sad to see the suffering, this would be a difficult time for her, emotionally and financially. There is indeed a dazzling amount of negativity…. But then there are the “5%” she says …. Sad to contemplate that that’s the estimate of moral people we are left with or perhaps it was always this way … personally, it’s also true that good platonic buddies are forever friends

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 23

    @OhioMike

    You and I both had the honor of meeting and spending time with @TeaBabe333 , and I absolutely agree that she is an amazing human who wanted nothing more than to elevate others.

    I hate what happened to her and hate that it does happen far too often to so many women here on the site. It's become so commonplace, and people keep trying to normalize it to the point where it's just accepted as a reality that you will have to fight like hell for your boundaries. This is why I speak out like I do about gender inequities and against creepy weirdo Incel slime balls on this site. So many fly completely under the radar. It's not always going to be the loud mouths on the forums who bash women and speak with resentment, or grab your butt and try to kiss you within 15 min of meeting. Hell, some of the regular forum posters, and men with multiple great karma and been on the site for years I wouldn't trust in the same room with my daughter (if I indeed had a daughter). But that's a rant for another place and another time

    You will be missed, I'm sorry the cuddle community failed you 😢

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    @pmvines
    Glad to see you’re back and glad to read your rant. Thanks for not mincing words.
    So many of what you just described were very active on a recent (controversial) thread and I was pretty shocked even at my age and I’ve seen a lot of bad behavior in my lifetime.
    A lot of very angry and hurt___ I guess? I’m pretty much to the point of being done with cuddling.

  • SolarisSolaris
    edited March 24

    Damn, that really sucks. I'm sorry that happened and continues to happen. There's no excuse for that kind of behavior. I wish something could be done.

    So 95% of the guys here are creeps. I just talked to a pro woman the other day who said 90% of the pros here are sw's. On the rare occasion that I do cuddle, I read through karma. So most of that is a lie? Is that what i am to believe? Because there are quite a few women here with 100+ 5 star reviews so the math doesn't work. I don't read what the women write back on the guys, but maybe I should. 45% of the women who have written to me in my 12 years here have been banned.

    It's so depressing, and worse. SA runs rampant in my family and throughout my friendships. I just listened to podcast yesterday: 80,000 cases of abuse in the Boy Scouts, 11,000 in the Los Angeles juvenile justice system, countless cases in the Catholic Church alone, 1200 in the Epstein case...

    Sometimes it seems like it's a miracle anyone finds a safe partner.

    I do know that here in the forums, it would help to lean how to communicate with each other better. The way the world handles this entire situation/dynamic isn't working.

    Hugs to everyone here who wants one, everyone who is hurting over this dynamic, and especially to the OP who brought this up. It's been more than hard for me too.

  • fireyladyfireylady

    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm a new pro cuddler and finding it all so confusing

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG

    I dont believe there can be soo many SWs … seems off … I feel as if that with experience some pros have developed a knack or certain ‘hardened’ ways of handling boundary pushers … personally, the best filter is to cuddle without paying …
    … in modern times it is out of fashion and uncool and laughable but celibacy has its own purity to it …

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG

    By the way we must remember there are people like @xandriarain and others who are on the other side of the spectrum and have worked to bring in a solid change to this way of thinking about cuddling …

  • SouthernerinCASouthernerinCA
    edited March 24

    @HUGGGGGG it’s bad enough that pros who try to keep it platonic have a hard time. I travel a lot and have met several pros. They all said that the positive karma keeps many from reporting men. They rarely leave negative karma for fear of retaliation.

    I took a break for a long time and now I’m back but I don’t accept karma from men and thinking about cuddling pros at least once a month. I’m also considering limiting my cuddling to only women. It’s the only way I feel confident things will stay platonic and I say that as a woman who cuddles “for free.”

    At this point, I’m willing to pay a pro woman if it means I will be safe. It’s still very much a dangerous world for all of us.

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG
    edited March 24

    @SouthernerinCA So the same men write positive karma on the pros account that stops pros from reporting? Or they find hard to report men with existing positive karma? Or they feel their own future karmas/market will be lost? ….

    Just a thought: can’t they tell the cuddler and just carry a baby monitor type camera with them and just record the cuddle for security…they don’t need to do it all the time but once a boundary is crossed they can then switch it on? … it’s worth a thought I guess … or just have another cuddle friend join via FaceTime or something…. Perhaps there are better solutions out there …

    Perhaps if we keep human history in perspective… there is a demand a there is a supply … and some people have come together in all ages to try and minimize or mitigate this aspect of human-animal nature with laws that work sometimes but not all the time

  • pmvinespmvines

    @HUGGGGGG

    You are talking about human nature and supply and demand chain when this thread is about a woman who has left the site due to consistently having her boundaries pressed, being assaulted, and being disrespected as a woman and a professional. You can't equalize that with what you are suggesting.

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG

    @pmvines I agree with you … but perhaps her suffering could provide an impetus for us to find a framework to mitigate this problem impacting us?

  • trnguytrnguy

    @SouthernerinCA sorry you had to go through that as an enthusiast, I've heard the same from other enthusiasts. Some real horror stories. Pains me to see that a place which should be a safe platonic space has also become a target for the worst kind of people. It's already a big enough leap of faith to let your guard down enough to meet with someone new in public, even more to cuddle with them, and the level of damage done when they disrespect your boundaries after all of that is just terrible.

  • trnguytrnguy
    edited March 24

    @HUGGGGGG I believe the solutions you're presenting are well-meaning, but solution-oriented discussions can lead to emotions feeling unheard. The primary feeling I get from @TeaBabe333's post is feeling dehumanized from how a majority of her clients still see her as a sex object to try to disrespect and take advantage of, even in a space that's supposed to be safe for platonic cuddling. Even if you were to add a bunch of safety measures, there's still the fundamental dynamic of most of your clients seeing you as a sex object moreso than a human being and that can cause a lot of distress and feel dehumanizing.

    For example, some people say straight men like sexual attention from women, but don't like sexual attention from other men. That makes sense. Then imagine if the majority of men you talked to were actually trying to get your guard down and use you sexually. Even if we assume you could fend them all off easily or point to a body cam, they could get proceed to upset and insult or harass you. You wouldn't be physically hurt but it would leave a scar. It just makes a dreadful feeling like every interaction you have with a guy on this site would be full of manipulation or fake gestures instead of real platonic connection. That would definitely cause a feeling of distress that would deserve to be heard.

  • pmvinespmvines
    edited March 24

    @HUGGGGGG

    I think the best thing to do in this case is to listen to the person. Not try to tell them what they could have done differently. And to not tell a woman how they should be doing things to mitigate what men do to behave badly instead of condemning the bad behavior.

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG

    I feel men’s bad behavior is not penalized efficiently and effectively enough … when the man-animal knows that there will be a severe cost of their actions their own selfish nature will make them stop … nevertheless I do understand from the comments above why valuing the suffering here is more important than presenting solutions…

  • trnguytrnguy

    @HUGGGGGG I understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you can see the value of empathizing from the last comments. I can see you're concerned about the behavior of certain men too. And I agree that consequences would make some change. But the changes would be short-term and the hateful dynamic would still exist and manifest in some very damaging way.

    So you mentioned human history. You might see then that the biggest thing that has created change across different groups (races, genders, etc.) is probably respect or empathy rather than punishment and enforcement (which helps somewhat but doesn't solve the issue). Here's a good example. When slaves were legally emancipated, we just went into the Jim Crow era. When "separate but equal" was coded into law, it just led to a different form of mistreatment. And respect was virtually never gained during that time. Actually, you could argue the biggest movement for actually gaining equal respect was MLK, who led with nonviolently demanding respect for different races, rather than directly writing laws into code himself.

    Same with women's rights. We've gotten up to the fourth wave of feminism, and women have equal rights, but workplace harassment and sexual harassment still happens regularly to the majority of women. What's worse is we still blame women for not reporting sexual harassment sometimes, as though it's their fault for being scared. That's the dynamic still at play, and the situation that adding rules without empathy puts us into.

    Now, does that mean conditions haven't improved? Sure, they have. But does it mean that a lot of men will persist with sexual harassment and SA in the face of severe consequences, to the point where the majority of women are still hurt today by an action which is clearly illegal? Yes, a lot of men will. And significant places and channels in the internet are still stirring up hate against women daily unfortunately. So you can't regulate distasteful internet videos with laws, but they bubble up into the hateful incidents you see. The only way we can fundamentally change the dynamic at its root is just seeing and treating women as people who deserve as much respect, which would begin by listening and understanding their experiences deeply.

    Hope that helps and always open to more discussion!

  • [Deleted User]TeaBabe (deleted user)

    I reactivated my account to observe the discussion. I appreciate the conversation.

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG
    edited March 24

    @trnguy thank you for the insight - think about both fundamental measures working together (training and better upbringing for the majority and severe efficient penalty for the criminal-type). I want to digress from us to carry a more valuable message of understanding the suffering at depth, perhaps there would be more who want to share their experiences
    Welcome back @TeaBabe333 !!!!

  • KozyKimKozyKim
    edited March 24

    @TeaBabe333
    Before I opened up the forum, the honest truth being the headline of your post. I already knew you what you were saying. I knew you were getting ready to deactivate or delete.

    I think it's so smart of you to write this post for various reasons some of them go without saying. But it's nice to give closure to people that you've made friends on here with and that people will look for you on the site and see that you're deleted. It's nice to let everybody know you're going and why you're going. I think it's brave and I think it takes a lot of guts. But it's also needed. I think every pro has experience this. If it's not boundary pushing it's just the disrespect of asking for a cuddle in an hour like you're waiting in bed doing nothing but ready to cuddle.. for the last person I blocked when I asked what are their boundaries and they said they didn't have any because they're a man. I told him that if you just mentioned the cuddle comfort rules that would've been enough.

    I'm still not sure if men know what it really means to have a friend not someone they're attracted to not someone they're fantasizing about but just a pure friend.

    I would say that 70% of my clientele have had offers of extras from other pros. Some have said sex some blow jobs, some said they would cuddle naked. I'm not saying that as a reason for a man to push a boundary because they should just know better. But it does blur the lines for some people.

    I would say I've had a lot of good clients. Probably 60% although my whole profile is pretty much about being platonic.. and I have certain things that I asked to vet people. But I do have to agree it time wasting making sure it is the right person and that you don't get paid for.

    But I too just in the last couple days Have seriously considered deleting or going down to just public Cuddles, or being an enthusiast and only cuddle women, like sitting on the couch and watching a movie.

    But I really feel for you..
    maybe you can copy your forum post and put it in your profile. And make sure that everyone reads it.. Or send it to someone once you get their contact information..

    Whatever you do, may you find safe and comforting touch in this world through lots of fun and safe people

    Hugs to you, Kim

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    All this discussion is great and brings awareness to a lot of issues but the bottom line seems to be choosing self control when interacting with others. And in so many facets of life, people choose need over self control.

  • trnguytrnguy
    edited March 24

    Yes @HUGGGGGG, both would work together. Thanks for reigning the discussion back in!

    @KozyKim thanks for the insightful post. It's sad that every pro has had to deal with so much disrespect and lack of boundaries. The fact that even with good vetting, the number of boundary-pushing clients is 40% is staggering. I can understand why any pro would want to leave the site with these conditions. It's very brave of @TeaBabe333 to call out the bad behavior and walk. For a site that should be a safe space, 40%-95% of interactions being bad is definitely far too much.

  • KozyKimKozyKim

    @trnguy I think there's a very small percentage of men that think of cuddling as platonic most guys think when you touch a woman in an intimate setting that they think of them in a romantic or sexual way. They don't think of women like friends and let's just get cozy and laugh and have a good time and joke around and watch a movie. They're immature towards women so when they touch a woman when they get instantly turned on probably cause a rampant amount of pornography and sexualization of people. It seems like we lost our innocence of just holding someone.

    I had a dream one time that some of my classmates when I was in school were staying at a camp and when night came instead of girls going into the girls cabin, and the guys going into the guys, we all fell asleep wherever we would fall asleep like children would. Sometimes there was two girls in a bed. Sometimes there was two guys and then sometimes it was girls and guys together. When I woke up, I was sleeping with a guy that I went to school with, but we were just like little children and I woke up smiling and happy and he had Smile on his face. Such an innocent dream so beautiful and fun.

    Most of the people outside of cuddle, comfort that I talk about this with say no way would I lay with a woman without thinking something sexual.. that's why it's pretty much frowned upon me even doing it.

    I would say out of those 40% I don't think they were really boundary pushers per se But just a bad vibe of maybe getting too attached or fantasizing or thinking of me as a potential girlfriend. Or wanting to push boundaries but knowing better but either way not Feelling comfortable.. in some old videos it would say if you feel turned on, you should stop the cuddle. But now people say it's natural to get turned on, but just don't engage.. But sorry when someone gets turned on I kinda lose the cozy feeling and have my guard up.... 😣

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