Pro cuddler, boyfriend having trouble

[Deleted User]Curls_To_Cuddle (deleted user)
in Pro Cuddling

Hello friends! I met my bf 7 months into my pro cuddling. We are struggling to navigate this. I truly want him to feel safe in this relationship ship. I adore him! He has requested 24 hours notice of my aponts, and likes to be called before and after. He also thinks I should have a set schedule so he has “a few days where it’s not heavy on his nervous system”. Fellow pros, please help!! What parameters do you put in place to make your partner feel safe? Details wanted!

Comments

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    My husband and I found a happy place with how we do it. When I get a booking, I get their photo and their name, I send it to my hubby with the date and time and length of cuddle. And him and I are on Life360 together.
    I also keep communication on the site which lessens a lot of the inappropriate messages.

    But if your bf says he needs a set amount of days where you don’t get bookings so that it’s not heavy on him, it sounds like he’s just straight up not comfortable with it.

    You can try setting a schedule and adhering to what’s comfortable for him but it may come down to choosing one or the other.

  • beaublissbeaubliss

    Though I'm not a pro, I am a cuddle client and mentor of several pros who have been challenged to navigate this issue. You are definitely not alone!

    First, making your partner "feel safe" cannot occur by compromising either your income stream or the trust that is the foundation of love. If he can't trust your judgment, and can't support your business.....your adoration will not be sustainable.

    Second, he needs to understand that your cuddling preceded his entry into your life. You are not cuddling because there is something missing in your relationship; you are cuddling because, I'm imagining, you are good at it, you enjoy it, and it provides you with an income stream. In other words, it's not about him.

    Finally, he shouldn't think he can control you. Telling you how to conduct your business due to his nervous system is such a challenging place to put you.....for you to feel responsible for his anxiety, for his emotional stability, creates such a stress on the foundation of any relationship.

    I know this is just my perspective, but it is at least worth thinking about :)

  • AlyLaurenAlyLauren

    I am a pro cuddler, and recently started a romantic partnership as well. When I am exploring relationships, friendships or even professional connections, I am completely open and direct and honest about all of my interests and hobbies, and jobs. Especially cuddling.

    My current partner knew I was a professional cuddler long before we started any kind of dating. When I brought this kind of stuff up with him, his response was "You were extroverted, social, and physically affectionate with friends and acquaintances the first time I met you and I found it attractive and is part of the reason I was interested in you. You told me about cuddling and why you do it, and I think it's wonderful. It would be very weird to ask you to change that now." And I think that is exactly the energy you should be looking for.

    Unless they do not know about your cuddling until after choosing partnership with you, your partner should accept you exactly as you come to the relationship. He should also trust you to manage your safety and your work. I would guess you have safety protocols and vetting procedures for your clients, and if you feel safe, he should too. You are a competent adult who has been doing this successfully for a decent amount of time.

    As far as safety concerns or anything like that, by all means, share your location and session times. My partner and a couple of my friends have my location 24/7. But if he is THIS uncomfortable with it that he needs days off to manage his nervous system regulation, it sounds like this is something he does not accept about you.

    @Sheena123 I hope your clients are aware of you sending their pictures and info to your husband, and have consented to that. Otherwise, that would be a pretty significant violation of privacy. I do not dox any of my clients info, but will let my support people know when I will be in session and they have my location. I do also let clients know that my location is visible to my trusted people

    Just being in a relationship does not mean your life or your income should get smaller. A partner should make your life fuller and more joyful and easier, not restrict or control you. On the extreme end of things, limiting your financial resources is a major red flag for potential abuse (controlling behavior, financial abuse, codependency)

    If he is feeling insecure or possessive about this, that is something he needs to address in himself. Not something to make you responsible for managing.

    Maybe start with a conversation about what exactly is so taxing on his nervous system and why it is a problem now but wasn't a problem when he met you and agreed to a relationship?

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod
    edited March 31

    Maybe start with a conversation about what exactly is so taxing on his nervous system

    Yep. There is a saying, "A problem shared is a problem halved" and there is much truth in it. Most people think that it's because taking about stuff helps. That is indeed true, but much of the benefit actualyl comes from having to explain the problem. In life, nine times out of ten the problem is not solving the problem: the problem is that you don't fully understand precisely what the problem is. Having to explain to somebody else, or even just write it down on a piece of paper, concentrates the mind wonderfully.

    This particular difficulty often stems from a mistaken belief that cuddling isn't platonic. Ask him if he thinks soldiers cuddling their buddies in foxholes is non-platonic, or parents cuddling babies, or puppies cuddling up with kittens in internet videos, or any of a million other examples.

    Suggest he creates an account here, reads up, and books a cuddle session or two of his own.

    Explain that professional cuddlers having boyfriends or partners who are totally comfortable about the cuddling is common. Maybe make friends with such a cuddler and introduce the boys to each other.

    If you have a suitable regular client, consider introducing him to the boyfriend and sending them to the pub together.

    If he's serious about you, he'll find a way to get over this. If he doesn't, or tries to make you give up, he's not good enough for you.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    @AlyLauren yes, my cuddlers know. I’ve been doing this for 7 years. I know what I’m doing. It’s on my profile and I bring it up in conversation.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    @AlyLauren Sharing specific client details with a safety person is actually standard protocol in the platonic cuddling industry — promoted by many, if not most, training programs. Clients should absolutely have informed consent about vetting and safety protocols when they book. And in practice, many pros who use a safety person do rely on a partner for that role, since the position requires someone you trust completely for both dependability and discretion.

  • AlyLaurenAlyLauren

    @Sheena123 @cuddlefaery That's perfect, then. As long as the clients are aware. I just know that many of my clients choose not to share their pictures on their public profile and would have professional consequences or other privacy concerns.

    I just wouldn't give the blanket advice that you send your clients' private info and photos to your partner without the heavy qualifier that all people are entitled to know who exactly they are sharing things with.

    As long as everyone is informed and consenting, I support this 100%. That is why I used the specific term "dox" which implies its happening without the person's knowledge or permission.

  • Dcuddler4UDcuddler4U
    edited April 24

    .

  • jonnyquestjonnyquest

    My two cents and I'm guessing this is something that a lot of people are having to deal with because I've had sessions with Pros and this subject has come up.. Finding someone you want as a boyfriend or a girlfriend let alone a husband or wife can sometimes be very difficult and the foundation of every relationship needs to be honesty and trust.. Cuddling can be very intimate in so many ways that finding someone who would be comfortable with that would be difficult.. Whenever this is being brought up I said that there's a lot of guys out there, including myself that would probably say no you need to stop cuddling.. And the reason I say that is if I were to get into a relationship I would stop cuddling because why would I cuddle with a stranger when I have someone in my life I do that with already.. In my mind that would be cheating, if the woman I was in that relationship with found out that I was cuddling with people I met online I'm pretty sure she would consider that cheating and the relationship would be over. If you think that wouldn't happen you just might be wrong. Even if every person I cuddled with were to have talked to her and told her everything was platonic and no boundaries were crossed the relationship still would be over.. So if you're a pro you need to be honest and if the person you're dating is okay with you cuddling then consider yourself very very lucky because you just found yourself a keeper.. And if they're not, then at least both of you were honest and didn't waste each other's time..

  • Goonie4lifeGoonie4life

    And that folks.....is the separation of ideals from religious and nonreligious cuddlers. Platonic cuddling isn't cheating.

  • jonnyquestjonnyquest

    @Goonie4life I might have to disagree with that.. Because I know plenty of people who the only time they're at church is either a wedding or a funeral and if they found out that their spouse,boyfriend or girlfriend was platonically cuddling with someone else, that would be grounds for a breakup or divorce..

  • Carrie_AnneCarrie_Anne

    @jonnyquest
    💯 and I know there are many people in relationships here who cuddle with their SOs knowledge and consent but that’s not what we’re referring to. It’s the ones doing it without their partner’s knowledge and consent who would be causing possibly a whole lot of hurt. And if found out, a whole set of problems for themselves.

  • Goonie4lifeGoonie4life

    @Carrie_Anne I agree with what you said

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