Thoughts on giving feedback on appearance

xandriarainxandriarain
in General

Many of my clients are lonely, single, and not getting matches on dating apps. Obviously dating apps are very appearance driven. As women we are taught to meet conventional beauty standards, and maximize what we have to work with, but men are often less self-aware or told that it’s not manly to fuss over your appearance. However, in the world of social media and online dating the men that don’t focus on their appearance are at a huge disadvantage.

Sometimes I really want to say things like “have you considered taking a GLP1 medication or getting a hair transplant”. Not out of a place of judgement but out of a place of caring and wanting my clients to be able to reach their full potential.

So I’m curious what your thoughts are on this topic whether you are a professional, client or enthusiast. Have you given or received this type of feedback and if so did it go over well?

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Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    That doesn’t sound like a safe space at all. And let’s not pretend that it isn’t a judgement—it is. In order to “help” your client you need to judge their appearance to offer your opinion. And it is an opinion in the end. If a pro or enthusiast did that during a cuddle it would definitely be the last time I cuddled with them.

  • CuddleDuncanCuddleDuncan Mod

    Unsolicted feedback on anything rarely goes down well.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    Agree with everything already said. I've even seen people complain on other media when they lost a significant amount of weight and people were complimenting them. Some people don't want the attention. If they ask you for feedback on how to get a date, that's one thing. Otherwise, your well intentioned opinions would be better kept to yourself.

  • AntiqueWpatinaAntiqueWpatina

    I would like to lose 10-12 lbs, have thicker hair, have higher arches in my feet....but I'd use a common phrase we use in the midwest..... but I'd get tossed for sure. So I'll take the road less travelled. :)

  • SpicyNSweetSpicyNSweet

    I don't think I would everrrrr offer unsolicited advice like that to a client. I do listen to my clients when they open up about various situations they have experienced or are struggling with, and I offer supportive words along with my hugs, but I definitely don't see myself telling them they should take weight loss drugs or get hair plugs. No 😬

  • pmvinespmvines

    I don't mind conversations about things like clothing, hair etc as a part of light conversation, but more personal or detailed things regarding appearance, health, etc I tend to reserve for closer relationships.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited April 10

    It’s not just the reasons already stated. It is the assumption your clients are ignorant. Most people in a first world country are more than aware of weight loss solutions, hair loss workarounds, plastic surgery, etc. I think offering your opinion under the guise of help comes across as pretty condescending and falling under such things as mansplaining. Not only is it condescending but I think it does far more damage than good. Most people are very cognizant of their flaws and sometimes the solutions are unattainable in an inequitable healthcare system.

  • consciousseekerconsciousseeker

    @pmvines My experience - Even from close relationships, unsolicited feedback/suggestion did not go well at all

  • xandriarainxandriarain
    edited April 10

    Just to be clear, I’m specifically talking about clients that are actively struggling with dating not all clients. I don’t make a habit of sizing up my clients or judging their appearance. But when I see something that someone could do to get themselves on unstuck out of a lonely place in life I want to say something to help them, but I also don’t want to make them feel attacked/judged. For example, I struggled with my own weight and was an early adopter of Wegovy so when a client would open up to me about wanting to lose weight, I would tell them how much wegovy helped me and some of them did actually start taking a GLP1 and lost weight thanks to my suggestion and it felt good being able to help them.

  • consciousseekerconsciousseeker

    @xandriarain I acknowledge your point that we men have to be more aware of looks(in this plastic world) but naturally we tend to channel our resources towards other important people/relationships.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    That changes the picture if you tell someone and couch it in terms of what you struggled with and what worked for you. If they want to explore options further after sharing then they are making the choice. I would never pop it on someone unsolicited and expect it to help them.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    But even beautiful people have flaws they are self-conscious about. Some of the most beautiful people struggle with bulimia, body dysmorphia, cutting, and so many other issues. This is why seemingly innocuous advice on appearance has to be handled properly because you may not be aware of an underlying untreated mental disorder.

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @TheFunCartel You are so right. Like you said above, we fat people pretty much know we're fat. We've known it for a long time. And should we ever forget, there's always someone more than willing to remind us.

  • JubalJubal

    If I were in your shoes ... If the clients asked my opinion, I'd start with "Well, I can make some suggestions, but I don't want to hurt your feelings by making them". If the client said go ahead, then I'd be as tactful as possible. If the client DIDN'T ask my opinion, well, then I'd try not to offer it.

  • [Deleted User]Adam_Prof (deleted user)

    I don't think that all people would accept any kind of other people comments regarding their personal appearance, weight, height or even clothes. The reason behind that is that not all people accept or comfortable with themselves as they are, so they will take it as an offensive act.

    I would recommend not to speak about any personal features unless they open up to you and tell you that they need help with that or suffering from those issues because at that point they want to listen and need help. On the other hand, if they don't say anything about that, then they are maybe uncomfortable about it and don't want to talk with (strangers) about it, or comfortable with that and don't want your opinion.

    As a conclusion, if you want your client to feel safe, happy and healthy while cuddling, it's a better idea to let them say what they want, need or their feelings and your role will be listening and answering those requests, feelings and giving the best experience to them.

    My personal experience: As a health care worker, once I graduated, I started telling everyone I see about their illnesses and how they should treat them, but guess what, no one listened or gave shit about that. on the other hand, when any patient comes to hospital seeking treatment, they listen to every single word, thank me and give me gifts.

    By the end of the day, it's your choice to choose what you want to do. But, the main thing is to stay healthy and safe all times.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33

    .

  • HuggycatbearHuggycatbear
    edited April 10

    Really love this topic @xandriarain

    I actually was going to start a topic called Men's Self-Care and have other men share their routines.

    I am thinking about getting micro-needling done from acne scarring but I've heard it's amazing to it hurts worse than tattoos.

    I bought one of those derma needling kits a long time ago and once again I hear two stories. That it'a better to use the home kit or people end up in hospitals from infections and scarring.

    I do not mind tips from a lady. My barber gives me advice.

  • theHugAlchemisttheHugAlchemist

    I have wondered about similar... with.. smell. smell in particular.

    Smell is interesting. I have a friend who smells like toxic waste to me, but his girlfriend is super into it. So who knows. I make him put on an extra shirt before I hug him. We've talked very frankly about his choices around soap.

    If I give any kind of dating advice it's more interpersonal, and only when I'm being asked for it.

  • consciousseekerconsciousseeker

    @Huggycatbear - you have a open mind that's nice. Self care is a big spectrum. Emotional/Spiritual/Financial/Professional and health. This thread talks more on the looks. Not many open to even talk let alone taking suggestions.

  • CuddlesofcuddleCuddlesofcuddle

    Thoughts on giving feedback on appearance? 🤔 especially from a pro
    My thought is Don't.
    Even with a regular asking me for their opinion to better get a date or anything around a love life I would smoothe operator myself outta that conversation real fast.
    I'd be worried that cuddler would get an obsession. If I do XYZ she might wanna be with me. That's just me and my mind. There's tons to gain I'm sure. But so much to risk if it's not in the right context.

  • xandriarainxandriarain

    @Huggycatbear I love microneedling! I started it because I had a spider angioma aka a big broken blood vessle on my face lasered off but it left a crater which still created the appearance of a dot so I had several rounds of of microneedling done to flatten it out and now I just get it done every three months for anti aging purposes. Its one of the best bang for your buck procedures out there. I wouldn’t mess with the DIY version. If you do, do lots of research and make sure to sanatize everything, but either way it’s probably not going to be as effective as professional microneedling

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Not many open to even talk let alone taking suggestions.

    @consciousseeker I don’t think that’s true at all. I solicit advice from others all the time regarding me. But it’s people I trust or that I can read and believe will offer the advice in my best interest or out of love that I ask advice of. But a stranger or someone I have only had 1 or 2 sessions with? Not so much. Besides, if one wants strangers offering advice just get on social media and the world will tell you how f’d up you are.

    There are factors involved and there is a spectrum on which one should place advice trust in. Is the advice solicited or unsolicited? Does this person criticize and offer advice to everyone or are their advice points surgical and well thought out? How familiar with this person am I? Lastly, what qualifies them to recommend a solution? I know I am leaving several factors out but this is edited for brevity. But only a fool takes advice from a fool. This is my unsolicited advice on advice.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33

    ..,

  • [Deleted User]kydavid (deleted user)
    edited April 10

    This is a terrible idea. To suggest someone to get a hair transplant and get on a weight loss shot when the majority of people are living paycheck to paycheck? Imagine being told this and not being able to afford it, then having this in the back of your head when you’re already lonely and struggling with dating. Yikes

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited April 10

    @kydavid I agree 👍

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    In my opinion this is in no way a good idea and I have a very strong feeling it will come back to haunt you if you were to do this. Even if your heart is in the right place, if they don't ask for the advice do not give it and even if they ask, like someone above said .. start with "this can be a touchy subject and well I don't want to hurt your feelings"
    Even so I would still refrain from it.

  • Sheena123Sheena123

    I never offer advice on appearance. I feel a lot of the ppl that come to cuddle me, already have a lot of insecurities and they either already know ways to improve themselves and have no motivation/money or hearing advice on appearance could send them over the edge.
    If they ask for advice on how to find women or get a date, I just tell them to put themselves out there. Go where there are people. I find when you start with making friends, and creating a social life, it helps with your confidence and with that confidence, it may boost them to do things that better themselves, be it appearance, fitness, overall health

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Someone in another thread the other day said that the person should ditch the beard in their profile pic. Instantly another poster said they loved his beard and loved cuddling nice beards.

    So why advice would be given on a subjective perception doesn’t make sense. Sometimes people fall in love with the perceived flaws.

  • SolarisSolaris

    I had a cuddler ask me once (not from this site), if I could lose some weight, that way it would be easier to attract a mate. And I wasn't even trying to date anyone. I had just opened up about past difficulties in dating and that I was overall a lonely person.

    I stopped seeing her. Like someone else said above, I of course know I'm overweight. And I felt judged, not safe and accepted. It wasn't the only reason I stopped seeing her, but it played into the decision. I still think about it occasionally a year and a half later. And I always think about it when I consider cuddling someone new. Are they going to judge but pretend not to just for the cash?

    The other thought I have is that there is a time and a place for advice. But I have learned not to give advice when someone is hurting and wants sympathy, empathy, and caring. Later, after they received the care they need, they often do ask for advice. But giving the advice too soon almost never goes well, even if they act like it was OK.

  • TxTomTxTom

    I don't fuss over my appearance. Other than being clean and presentable and cordial, I don't really care if someone finds me attractive or not. Unsolicited suggestions are fine, but I'm me--and very likely to not change anything.

    I don't do dating apps. When I have the time for dating, which isn't much these days, I tend to find matches at grocery stores, libraries, and Barnes & Noble.

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