The cuddling session itself is very sacred to me. It is where I want them to feel seen, safe, boost their confidence and get them in touch with their inner self. They come to us Pros to release the stresses of the every day life. The last thing they want is added pressure.
Having said that if they choose to keep texting me outside of our booked session time wanting to just talk than I will talk to them the same I would with my friends and they will receive the same unsolicited advice my friends do. I'm very practical and that is what you will receive when you include me in your problems. If you want me to go back into my zen mode than book time with me so I can focus my full attention on making you feel good. And for those who are my actual friends I have them send me a code to know if they are just wanting to vent and a different code if they want my opinion. I know you had good intentions because I'm very similar. It is our way of trying to help but sometimes it backfires.
I personally will never suggest weight loss medication or transplants but will suggest healthy life styles, what their insurance might cover, ext ext.
The reason most men on the site are struggling with dating/relationships has little to do with their physical appearance and it is actually a more complex topic. I am more likely to give advice in this area which I shouldn't. 🤐
As people who regularly cuddle, we see people at their best and sometimes the worst. And I have literally been both the above and comments about appearance does not seem part of the cuddle wheelhouse. Hygiene yes but generally appearance, no.
Like many of similar posts, it depends. Do you have the relationship with that person where that would be helpful? Or did you build a relationship where you talk about these types of subjects. Sure But meeting generally guy for a two hour cuddle date and give feedback - nope
If asked and they are open to advice (never unsolicited), I would focus more on skills than appearance. I truly believe that anyone can find people who are attracted to them just as they are, if they know how and where to look. Personally, I would never want to be in an intimate relationship with someone who wanted to "fix" anything about my appearance. If someone isn't going to like me as the sweaty mess, sans makeup, wearing ratty sweats why would I want them?
The skills I mentioned:
And finally, I'd question why a platonic cuddle partner, pro or not, would be the best person to be giving advice outside the scope of their practice. Might it be better to refer them to people who can better support them with tangible actions rather than just giving advice?
As @cuddlefaery said, if it comes up, other sorts of practical advice/brainstorming is probably better. I also think fashion choices more specifically is easier to talk about (and easier to change) and for some could probably be very helpful, rather than things that are more directly bodily, like weight. Haircuts/facial hair, maybe a grey area?
As someone who falls somewhere between "Share Size" and "Family Size" on the M&Ms spectrum, I'm critically aware of my weight. I'm also aware that I'll be written off by people who might otherwise be fun matches as a result. I'm also aware that my preferences in other people are influenced by internalized fatphobia, and I'm still working on that.
As a cuddle enthusiast my success at finding buddies (amateurs and pros) may be affected by my size. My gender and age are probably more frequently on people's exclusion criteria, so I don't let that bother me much.
Even if I were to open up about my own weight struggles, I may or may not be open to hearing about a pro's struggles or successes. I am, after all, paying them to be there for me. This kind of sharing would make me feel like it's more of a mutual arrangement, not a professional/client relationship.
Of course, your mileage may vary. Each relationship is unique, and a client may very well be open to one of their few social contacts encourage them to start a makeover process. I just believe the odds are not in your favor.
If the client brings up being lonely and online dating, I would ferssure offer advice on appearance. It's all in how you word things, the tone you use, and your nonverbal communication/body language. People are sometimes very unaware. People have shared things with me about myself that I wasn't aware of, and I WISHED someone had told me sooner.
The people in the comments talking about "that's so mean" and "don't do it" are people who don't want to face reality. It's been proven that you receive better treatment when you look better. Why live life on hard mode when you don't have to? Yes, it would be beautiful if we could all just exist and be merry - but that's not the world we live in. And it's okay. "For best results, don't ever assume you're the exception to the rule!"
Absolutely NOT!!! That’s unsolicited “advice” and yeah- that never goes over well. I wouldn’t say anything about someone’s appearance unless it made cuddling them physically uncomfortable for me. Platonic cuddling isn’t about attraction so how someone looks shouldn’t matter.
@great_pillow08 I completely agree that platonic cuddling itself isn’t about attraction, and I also don’t personally care what my clients look like.
My question is more about when a client’s stated goal is to find a romantic partner, and they’re feeling discouraged because they aren’t getting matches. If they’re already investing time and money into therapy, cuddle sessions, or dating services, I sometimes wonder whether it could be helpful to also suggest investing in areas that may improve first impressions.
It’s not about believing someone’s worth is tied to their appearance; rather, it’s acknowledging that dating apps are often appearance-driven, and small changes can sometimes help someone get more opportunities to connect.
I also recognize that this kind of feedback needs to be handled carefully and respectfully, which is why I’m asking for perspectives here.
I get that so many people’s first reaction is “yikes”. And I find myself loving a forum thread for a change, because the OP (and all the people cautioning, “whoa!”) all seem sincerely motivated to suss out the kindest way to support a lonely hypothetical client.
@xandriarain,
I support what you’re trying to do. I think it might help the right person tremendously. I am proof of the concept. When I was a young person, a combination of trauma and neurodivergence left me practically dysmorphic. (I had almost no ability to assess my own appearance correctly).
A friend I trusted and admired asked if she could, essentially, give me a “Queer Eye” style makeover. It feels silly to admit it, but being taught explicitly, ways that I might present better truly changed my life.
Sorry to the folks advising that someone will love OP’s client just as he is. But the man is lonely. And loneliness is an actual killer! And self-acceptance is only radical if it’s empowering. For many, figuring out how they might take some ownership of their appearance can be empowering too.
Keep us posted (if your client consents).
🙈
As someone overweight and balding, this would not go over well with me.
Being kind, hygenic, and "normal" will generally make up for physical defects (not saying he was weird, but I hear stories). Male pattern weirdness is a bigger issue than male pattern baldness.
as others have mentioned, this is a terrible idea. client cuddlers are already paying to get cuddling experience, not to be judged by a cuddler who they may subconsciously now view as “unattainable” in the dating world. pro cuddlers shouldn’t want to venture into giving dating advice.
it seems kind of hypocritical - many threads trying to emphasize the platonic nature of cuddling and condemning pros that are trying to offer “extra” non-platonic services - putting others in danger. For a pro to emphasize this and then want to venture in offering dating advice seems hypocritical and exploitive and makes the earlier premise seem disingenuous - like this industry is all about exploiting male insecurities and loneliness at any price.
if the cuddler is a nutrionist or gym coach, that is one thing - it ok to recommend general health habit improvement if you offer those services. only offer it if is it solicited. but don’t try push the language in terms of trying to help clients get dates. Recommending someone get transpant or take weight loss drugs isn’t really helpful if the pro cuddler isn’t even going to get involved in that endeavor - you’re just pointing the client to other expensive services.
I could definitely see feelings being hurt, self esteem demolished and I would never do that to someone. Even if it’s with the best intentions it could seem a bit arrogant.
Here’s a better suggestion - if someone shares that they’re having a difficult time getting matches on dating sites, offer to help them with their photographs - poses, background and lighting. (Authentic, natural without filters which look fake & like AI) I do see photos of people who I can tell are nice looking, but they don’t know how to present themselves. Sometimes it just takes a little editing. Btw, a smile in a photo makes a big difference! And I can almost always find something beautiful about a person.
Full disclosure, I only read the first few post in this thread and I mainly agree with the early comments.
I think my advice would come closest to @pmvines If it were something easy to fix (i.e. “black belts don’t really go with brown shoes” or “plaid shirts don’t usually go well with striped ties”) SOME men might appreciate knowing that. I am a recovering engineer so my criteria for getting dressed every morning is 1) does it cover enough of my body to not get arrested when I leave my house and 2) is it thermally appropriate for the outdoor temperature.
I suspect 99.9% of men would be less receptive to comments about weight or hair loss that are a lot more challenging to fix than changing a belt or tie.
This is an interesting topic. It reminds me of the delicate balance that exists between power and authority.
Power is the ability to rule, while authority is the right to do so. For instance, every adult has power over a child—or the ability to rule a child—but only the child’s parents have the authority or right to do so. And, they can delegate these rights to whomever they please, such as teachers, older siblings, baby-sitters, etc. The subject, however; isn’t necessarily a passive participant in this power dynamic. They subconsciously know that they’re helpless without their caretakers. So, whenever they tell an adult, “YOU’RE NOT MY MOM/DAD”, they’re challenging that person’s authority—as they have every right to do so—and demanding that it be verified by a credible source: the parents. Sometimes this is due to pure belligerence, but—given that I was once a rather rambunctious and boisterous child—I personally believe that most of the time these demands are made after the adult behaves immaturely: ie - arguing with the child, or even hitting them.
I believe that critiquing someone’s appearance lies in the same vein as this, as it requires you to judge before offering a solution. That’s a form of power that everyone with an opinion has. But, the question is, DO YOU HAVE THE AUTHORITY to critique their appearance? How much time have you put into your own appearance, or did you just simply win the genetic lottery? For those who cannot discern the two, the answer will lie in the persons response to your critique. If it is met with resistance, it likely means that they don’t consider you an authority on the matter. This is a chance for you to critique yourself, and prove to them why you’re an authority on the matter.. by which you may realize that you’re not.
Speaking in general.. not an indictment against the OP.
So they came to you for a safe cuddle, and you respond with critiques and unsolicited feedback about what’s wrong with them based on your personal opinions, preferences, and ideals?
Probably not a good idea. Actual probably a terrible idea.
And even if they asked your onion on what isn’t working for them, I’d advise just backing away from that and refocus them on what’s happening in the cuddle. Like “let’s not think about all that for a while and just be here with me.”
They are looking for comfort and reassurance. Not judgment on things they are already aware of. Plenty of folks with receding hair lines and extra weight find happy and healthy relationships. Why someone is having trouble doing so is not going to be resolved in a cuddle.
Unless it’s a hygiene issue that is impacting the cuddle you’re having with them, I’d keep it to yourself.
Its a touchy subject and ive been everywhere from 168lbs to 250 lbs. At 250lbs i knew i was obese but i was also suffering from a back surgery, being wheelchair bound and cortisone injections. What i didnt like was people saying i looked good and then those same people saying that i looked horrible but NOW you look good after losing 50 lbs.
If they ask for advice id say it depends on how well you know that person. Its trickier with clients because at the end of the day they arent your friends and you risk losing a customer if you offend them.
I have actually done this before and it was received well.
A client communicated his insecurities surrounding his acne scars and weight. I shared my experience with losing weight and what helped me. I also am pretty knowledgeable about skin treatments, so I told him about some things dermatologists offer, i.e. microneedling, chemical peels, laser resurfacing, etc. and how much they cost. It's not like you're saying "have you tried working out?", you're giving alternative advice that a lot of people think about but don't really get validated.
Side note, sometimes we can gauge the client's financial position, so I'm not gonna assume you're saying this to someone who has already mentioned a struggle with finances.
It can absolutely be communicated in a non-judgmental way, I disagree with the assumption that someone would automatically get defensive or offended because you're acknowledging what they already know about themselves. Again, fat people know they're fat. I would get out of breath from getting out of bed to go to the bathroom. I was the type that wanted the push from someone I didn't know that well, and sometimes other people also want that.
Also, you have personal experience with using GLP-1s, so there's a good point of reference for them to do their own research.
@BR123 Really aligned with your comment of genetic lottery. So maybe, less inclusive on appearance and more lifestyle advice too.
It also may be while women have more pretty privilege than men, men's self-care needs are different.
If we're talking the male gaze: Men might focus more on outward appearance.
For women: Men who are only the journey of their purpose. Feel safe, but also capable of standing up for themselves. Are receptive to
I'll just say this. Share an experience first, don't just ask them if they've tried GLP-1s or looked into hair transplants. You probably know someone whose gotten a hair transplant before, that's how you can gauge their reaction to genuine advice without making them feel attacked or offended.
I think part of the disconnect here may be that I’m not referring to brand new clients or offering unsolicited advice out of the blue. I’m thinking more about repeat clients who, over time, share that they’re struggling with dating and actively want better outcomes.
In my experience, many clients don’t just come for physical comfort, they also talk about their lives, loneliness, and relationship goals. Sometimes they explicitly ask for perspective or advice, and other times they’re expressing frustration and looking for solutions. In those cases, the conversation naturally goes beyond just the cuddle itself.
I also want to clarify that I’m not talking about critiquing someone’s appearance broadly, but more about situations where I see one or two specific, potentially modifiable things that could help them make a stronger first impression, especially when they’re already investing significant time and money trying to improve their dating prospects.
That said, I completely understand the concerns being raised here about boundaries and emotional impact, which is exactly why I brought this up as a question rather than something I’m actively doing.
@KuddlyKoala I also talk about my weight loss journey (lost 100 pounds) and beating diabetes and cancer. People resonate with our experiences more than the "I'm going to tell you what to do" methods.
So I think when it comes to clients, this topic is less about the what to say and maybe more on the how to approach?
@xandriarain I would like to share a story.
Just last month I called the crisis hotline for the first time and had those dark thoughts. I had a Catholic friend from my writing group I reached out to. He met with me the same day, even though he has Multiple Sclerosis. Amazing guy. When I came, I expected him to ask what happened. And then I trauma dump on him on everything that's been stacked agaisnt me.
Instead, he right away talked about his humming birds. Then he went into Biblical parables and we talked philosophy. None of this directly pertained to what I was going through. But he gave me the space to talk, but also pick and choose things from his stories to put a plan together in how it can uplift me out of my dark place.
So I think you sharing stories, and things that you dealt with on your journey of self-care will resonate with people. And then allow them to pick and choose a plan of self-care on their own.
There's also the question of if someone is venting or problem solving, if they want a sympathetic ear or suggestions for solutions. I think there's a social stigma against saying they don't want solutions. They can expect to be called a whiner if they do. And all too often, the suggestions are things they've heard a thousand times before, and they're often on a similar level to "just cheer up" for depression. And what people complain about is often a symptom, not the real problem.