“Extras”

MonkeyNeedsAHugMonkeyNeedsAHug
in General

A humble suggestion: we should all stop referring to sexual favors as “extras”.

That word choice positions sex work as an upgrade over platonic cuddles. It reinforces an unconscious connection too many folks already imagine between sex work and platonic cuddling. And it implies (falsely) that a provider could give you both in a single session. I think this misconception explains why some people keep conflating higher prices with sex work, (because they’re thinking of sex as something a person might experience, over and above platonic cuddles).

But people who’ve experienced the full benefit of platonic cuddles know. We can distinguish between the feelings we get from platonic cuddles and the ones we get from sex. And we’re here for the cuddles!

We want co-regulated systems flooded with oxytocin. We want feelings of connectedness and calm reassurance that we can hold onto for hours (and sometimes days) after the cuddling is done.

The wonderfully calming feelings we get from cuddles aren’t “less than” the feelings we get from sex. They're just different. Honestly, they’re about as qualitatively different as two enjoyable things might be.

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Comments

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    That post was extra.

  • JubalJubal

    Changing the word used to describe the thing in question ain't gonna change the thing in question. Puts me in mind of a rather lively discussion in one of my college classes where the professor posed the question "If we call a tail a leg, then how many legs does a horse have?"

    Didn't matter how many students said "five", I stuck with "four". When pressed on it, I pointed out that if the horse tried to stand on that "leg", the poor thing would fall on its ass, and so calling the tail something else made no difference to the function of that appendage.

    Discussions about changing the name or label used to describe a thing often are like this. In this case, it's something "extra" outside of platonic cuddling. For that matter, many pros offer non-sexual "extra" services on their profiles - here's one example (without identifying the pro): "I offer in-person and virtual sessions, plus extras like lunch dates".

    But, since you raise the point, what term would you suggest be used instead of "extras"?

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    But, since you raise the point, what term would you suggest be used instead of "extras"?

    1. That which will not be named.
    2. Misdemeanors
    3. Oopsies
    4. Puritan Secrets
    5. Abstinence lapses
    6. Foibles
    7. Special of the Day
  • JubalJubal

    🤣🤣🤣🤣 @TheFunCartel

  • [Deleted User]Bluzy (deleted user)

    @MonkeyNeedsAHug … I feel words and the appropriate usage of words do matter in how we approach an issue. I’m not understanding the relevance of a horse having a fifth tail/leg, but each to their own understanding. I do sense an underlying point here though. Cuddling can offer a whole different and in some ways better level of relational intimacy than what sexual intimacy offers in a similar context.

  • MucStefanMucStefan

    @Jubal I'd either go with your argumentation - or say one. Because the legs then obviously would have to be called tails, and thus a horse has four tails and one leg ;)

    @MonkeyNeedsAHug I think it's not a problem on how it is called - the problem is, that there are people that expect this intimacy to be offered / available "casually" and outside a marriage. If we could solve this problem, we wouldn't have your naming problem anymore.

  • durantpianodurantpiano

    According to this site, Virtual Cuddles, Coffee Dates, or anything outside of a basic cuddle is EXTRA 😂🤣😂🤣

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    No, the site rules state that those are SECONDARY services.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Bluzy The point @Jubal made is not calling a spade a spade and changing it to something else changes nothing of the nature of it. It is why the government, businesses, and even healthcare changes names and titles of things but the true nature of it never changes. Changing the name works under the supposition that people are ignorant and will easily be fooled. Centuries of history would prove the point that prohibiting things rarely

    Getting rid of the term “extras” will not eliminate the people offering it nor will it change the thinking of the people looking for it. It only satisfies those who want it out of sight, out of mind, which theoretically should work but doesn’t, and only serves to drive it further under the radar.

    This is why the site treats pros as independent contractors—it is easier and more cost effective to simply ban any wrongdoing than it is to pour money and name changes into something that will continue regardless of what obstacles are put in place.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I also don’t think it is a good idea to do away with the term extras because it identifies a possible red flag. I don’t think of the term extras as making sex more important than platonic connection, I just see it and go oh, that could mean thousands of things. If in doubt—report. Changing terminology only obfuscates that which should be noticed and addressed. The hierarchy of sex and platonic relationships will always depend on each individual and the amount of importance they place on each.

  • BearBear

    @BlueIris my inner brat child wants to ask how long before “extras” are called Secondary Services by the bad people. lol.

    @jubal I Remember watching Revenge of the nerds 2. They were stuck on an island and got high.
    Everyone was asking weird questions Ogre said what if C-A-T spelled dog.
    They were mystified.
    Thanks for the memory.

  • Comet85Comet85

    @bear that’s the crux here - sneaky folks are going to use intentionally unclear language, so there should be clear and commonly understood terminology available to discuss the problem.

    I don’t know if the forums have any auto-filters for certain red flag words, but it would be best to be straightforward - “sexual services”, “sex acts”, “upselling/offering sexual activity”. Hierarchy that OP brought up aside, these are even clearer than “extras” which might be used by an earnest noob to mean like bottled water or snacks.

    Or we can split the difference and call them “sextras” or “sexondary services”

  • BlueIrisBlueIris Mod

    @Bear They've already stolen the word "menu" for their own uses, so anything is possible. But to them, sex stuff seems to be the primary service they're looking for, so maybe they'll leave that phrase alone. 😊

  • HuggycatbearHuggycatbear

    They always and will always come up with new code words to draw the eye.

    New people joining may use trigger words with inocuous intentions.

    Is there a trigger word doc?

  • JohnR1972JohnR1972

    Changing the term “extras” to something else seems like a “solution” in search of a problem. The fact non-platonic services are offered IS the problem. What we call them is a distraction from that problem,

    Let’s “solve” the problem of mass layoffs by call it “a softening of the job market”

  • HUGGGGGGHUGGGGGG
    edited April 13

    Hhahahahhahaah this thread seems so much fun! …. How about … the cuddlust menu! Or snug-temptations for the Plato-naughty
    On a serious note: I side with what @JohnR1972 said … the problem itself needs to be addressed

  • MonkeyNeedsAHugMonkeyNeedsAHug
    edited April 13

    I’m not surprised people are going for the straw man here. I don’t claim that if we stop calling sexual services “extras” that they will go away. I am saying that by referring to sexual services as if they were something optional that might be added to platonic cuddles, we weaken our position with wishy-washy language that hides the important truth.

    Usage of the word “extras” concedes the ridiculous notion that sexual favors could be added to platonic cuddles. It frames this as a choice among options that doesn’t change the nature of the thing itself. Do you want platonic cuddles with sexual services or without? (“Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don’t.”)

    But this isn’t like the debate over whether pineapple goes on pizza. It’s more like whether soup goes on pizza. And I’m here to clarify that it doesn’t. Calling soup a viable pizza topping would force us to change our understanding of what pizza (or soup) is.

    I’m sure purveyors of sexual services would love to keep linking their product to ours. And using the word “extras” to refer to their offerings helps them to do that. I think we can be more vigilant about making the distinction obvious. And word choice is a ready tool we can use to do that.

    🙊

  • MsCinderellaMsCinderella

    It does not matter if you put platonic only in your profile, they are going to still push the boundaries.
    I have noticed a clear connection between those whom leave me a karma and those who don't. Its the ones that ask that wont but those who don't, will.

    I've received dick picks, i've had someone masterbate on virutal and show me. I've been pressured into kiing and giving blow jobs.

    I have very strict rules about attire and I go over the rules the day before arrival and upon arrival. It doesn't matter, they will still ask.

    Some will say after they book a session don't communicate outside of here. I strongly disagree. That's how I find out their true intension's and it give me a chance to cancel rather than be put in that situation in person. I look at it as its another layer of protection for me.

    I have heard many say they've gotten these services from other pro on this site. It grosses me out.

    What does irrigate me is I have reported 2 of these and they are still on here.

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited April 13

    @MsCinderella yes! I noticed that as well! The ones that have asked for non platonic things during the session do not leave karma because they were “ disappointed “ when we said NO. I don’t want karma from them if they asked for non platonic things and I report them ., hopefully have them banned or ask the mods to give them a warning , depending on what the client said or tried to do during the session.. I’ve had wonderful sessions that ended on a sour note. One client waited until the end of the session as I was walking out the door to ask me if I could give him a bj since the session was over. 🤮 uh.. no thank you sir , the rules are the same before, during and after the session… still reported that one and he was banned. Thank goodness ., the nerve .,

  • SweetCuddler33SweetCuddler33
    edited April 13

    When they say other pros did “this and that” .. etc.. they could be making it up. They should still be banned ( imo) for saying those things.. just gross 🤮

  • mauvefoxmauvefox

    @MonkeyNeedsAHug

    What I'm taking from your post is not that you think changing the name will solve the problem. As far as solving it, I agree that changing the name is not enough of an action step.

    But I do think that language matters, how we frame something shapes the way we see it.

    "Extras" was a code word to begin with. The people doing it coined it and the rest of us followed along. So now we're all using their word. And their word was designed to make it sound like less than it is. To be unnoticed.

    Calling something by a softened name is how communities can stay comfortable with a problem they should be uncomfortable with. (and i’m not saying anyone in these forums is comfortable with the problems on the site, but as a whole community we want action).

    We've seen this before, reporters calling a sexually abused child an "underaged female". That's not neutral language, it's avoidance. Someone in this thread used the layoffs example to argue against the OP. But that's actually backwards. Calling layoffs a softening of the job market is the same problem as using Extras. What the OP is proposing is the opposite of that. Call the thing what it is. An Economic Crisis, a sexually abused child.

    Language and how we frame things can contribute to how seriously people take the thing being named.

    So when we refer to sex work on this site, call it that. Not because it solves anything by itself, but because it stops us, as a whole community, from looking away.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Extras was never a code word. It has always been obvious what it means in the context of how it was used. I think it became so commonplace that it has extended beyond its sexual meaning. I do get that you are saying call it sexual acts or whatever, but the people perpetuating sex work on the site are not going to change the language or how they operate because a few people in the forums planted their flag and said language matters. I think this is an exercise in futility.

  • mauvefoxmauvefox

    @TheFunCartel
    I agree, changing the word won't stop the people doing it. That was never the point.

    But if "extras" was always obvious, then it's a choice to use softer language with full awareness. Those choices matter. The stories we tell ourselves about things, the language we reach for, shapes how we treat them.

    The futility argument gets made about the whole problem, not just the language. Most people come into these forums already resigned to the idea that nothing can be done. That attitude is part of the problem. You can't shift it without shifting how you talk about the thing.

    The people doing it aren't the audience for this conversation. We are.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @mauvefox We will agree to disagree on that. At my age I have come to understand that talk is cheap and is damn near not even worth that. We all know what extras means and we are all adults. The only people that can give it agency is the individual. Keep it out in the open and deal with it.

    Example—everyone says they understand what platonic means but it seems like a coin flip in practice. The only way you can really deal with it on here is exactly how @SweetCuddler33 stated—report, report, report. That’s not futility it is a form of action. It’s not perfect but it’s a damn sight better than circular arguments. These forums are an echo chamber of those who already understand for the most part.

    If you want to seize the narrative then co-opting the language is a better strategy. Talk of extras in a positive light. For example, a pro could write a profile that says this:

    “I provide the following extras:

    Extra diligence—I need a pic and a name

    Extra reporting to the site mods in case you develop amnesia during the session and forgot what platonic means.

    Extra check-in’s when I feel uncomfortable during a session.

    And all these extras are included in my hourly price.”

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    I think this misconception explains why some people keep conflating higher prices with sex work,

    The misconception has nothing to do with the word. Extras, perks and whatever phrase or word you want to switch to is baked into economics. You want to buy a new Toyota Camry? This one is the top of the line Camry and it costs $10,000 more but look at all the extra features you get.

    You want a nicer house with more modern features? That will cost $100,000 more.

    People are conditioned by economic realities and their desires when money is involved, not language.

    I bet the women who are pros probably get messages that come right out and ask for sexual favors because they charge so much. You can smell a hint of it in the forums in the guys that complain about pricing. The subtext is there bubbling below—if they are not doing what I desire they should cuddle for free.

    Money should never change what you say you offer. Unfortunately that will never change in the lizard brains of some of these guys or the ladies who serve those types.

    Just my two cents.

  • HoosCuddlingHoosCuddling

    The wording doesn't matter. We can call extras anything else in the world.

    Some clients will still try and get them, and some cuddlers will offer them. This is not a vocabulary problem.

  • cuddlefaerycuddlefaery

    Language choice absolutely does matter, and I'm firmly in camp "change the wording, change their minds."

    Take slur reclamation — when marginalized communities reclaim language on their own terms, it shifts power inward. "Extras" works in the opposite direction: softened language used to obscure meaning and lower the guard of potential clients. The words we use shape perception, and it doesn't matter if SWers continue using the term — what matters is what we can actually change: how we use, or don't use, it. If we start calling those services what they actually are, people can't hide from it as easily.

    Personally, "extra" implies something free — a bonus, not a paid add-on. That framing creates entitlement and an expectation of special treatment. "Add-on sexual services" reframes it as straightforward cost-for-service, and suddenly it's neither expected for free nor shrouded in euphemism.

  • MonkeyNeedsAHugMonkeyNeedsAHug
    edited April 13

    Thank you, @cuddlefaery. @mauvefox
    @Bluzy

    When I suggested we all stop using the term “extras” as shorthand for sexual services, I meant all of us who would like to safeguard the distinction between platonic cuddles and sex.

    🙊

    @Jubal @TheFunCartel

    I said we should stop using the word “extras” as a euphemism for sexual services. If you’re so big on calling a spade a spade, then call sex “sex” and call snacks and water, “snacks and water”. For those who prefer to keep the lines muddy, “extras” is all yours.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    For those who prefer to keep the lines muddy, “extras” is all yours.

    Not muddy for me, so if you want to be clear on language then what you said is your opinion, not fact. I am very clear about the distinction without the verbal contortions. But thank you for the snark.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    It does not matter if you put platonic only in your profile, they are going to still push the boundaries.

    @MsCinderella I hear that a lot. It’s almost better to leave your profile blank it seems. Why make the effort if the words are ignored.

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