I thought I might I have a coffee date, to discuss cuddling, until I was ghosted after I posted my photo. Only pretty people get to cuddle?
A lot of women who are new to the cuddling world get cold feet. It could be as simple as that. But we could all speculate all day and all night and still never know. Only she knows.
I'd recommend ditching the assumption that it has anything to do with your looks. People who harp on stuff like that are shooting themselves in the foot. Confidence is a much more powerful attractant than self deprecation. Those who are constantly down on themselves will make rejection a self-fulfilling prophecy.
@BlueIris Thanks for the advice. I wish it was that easy, but I am slightly autistic and tend to get caught in my own loop. No woman has ever found me attractive before, and it is difficult to believe that will ever change. But I thought that a pic would send the message that I am not trying to hide anything.
I wouldn't leap to the conclusion that it's about your photo. It can be difficult to get women to agree to a cuddle regardless.
That said, why wouldn't you use a better photo? It's a selfie with weird lighting at a weird angle which, in viewing your profile, frames you strangely and cuts off your chin. You could take a more presentable picture in 2 minutes.
@QuartzNumber I have zero experience taking selfies. Any advice would be helpful. It's only a cellphone, not a photography studio.
Ghosting is considered bad manners since it's usually avoidable, and if it reflects poorly on anyone I would say it's the ghoster rather than ghostee. There are many more charitable interpretations of why ghosting happens, and considering those may make it easier not to hold on to the perceived emotional rejection.
The last sentence in your profile could make people uncertain about your intentions. Your space can handle a LARGE cuddle party. I’d consider removing that, it evokes something not platonic in my mind
@DavesNotHere420 most cell phones these days can take quite professional looking photos - you don't have to be an expert or have fancy equipment. There are a lot of helpful guides on posing, lighting, settings, etc. on YouTube.
Rejection can be hard, especially when neurodivergent (RSD absolutely sucks). But learning how to deal with the feelings and not catastrophize is an essential skill for everyone. I would like to gently recommend, as another neurodivergent person, that if a single rejection online is going to cause distress, then perhaps you're not ready for meeting strangers to cuddle. Sometimes we have to do self-work before we're ready.
One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to work with a therapist to unravel unhelpful thoughts so that we can be our best selves for others. If you can't afford therapy right now, there are still a lot of self-therapy online resources.
@cuddlefaery I appreciate the advice. I guess the doctors (One of which IS a therapist) got me a little panicked and desperate with the TTS diagnoses. So they tell me I have a depression related heart condition, and that being "touch starved" is part of the problem, and THIS was the ONLY thing they could suggest. You can't get a prescription for cuddling, and Medicaid doesn't cover it, and NO pros offer ANY discounts. Other than anti-depressants, THIS is REALLY my only option. I haven't found ANY other cuddle sites worth a damn. I'll work on the photo, but lighting and angles can only do so much. What I REALLY need is a pro with enough compassion and empathy to give me a discount.
If your doctors truly only can advise that you find a cuddler and there is nothing else that can help you then you need to find another Dr . To be clear, I don't believe that they really said that to you. You asked for advice and was given a solid response by several different people which you push back and reject so I don't really know what you're aiming for here
@pmvines My mistake, I should have said meds and MORE counseling. (2 online sessions a week and one in-office visit a month) THIS was all the THERAPIST could suggest for the "touch-starved" diagnoses. The insurance WON'T cover massage unless it is INJURY related, and I can't afford much. And no, they didn't BOTH tell me that. The heart specialist said that my irregular heart beat was PROBABLY depression related (TTS), and my THERAPIST said I was "touch starved." And yes, since it is a serious health condition, I AM looking for some empathy, compassion AND sympothy.
Call your Medicaid provider listed somewhere in your card and ask for a referral to a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). They can help you develop coping skills and work through the negative thought patterns. Medicaid should cover it. You can also ask what other services or programs they cover that may help with connection and social support. Google search community centers in your area and see what free services they offer. Sometimes they have free classes and activities for adults, which can be a great way to build community and social support. Good luck on your journey. 🫂💖
Touch starved isn't a diagnosis . I know that's a term that gets tossed around a bit but it's not a medical or mental health diagnosis. That is why insurance doesn't pay for that . I agree with @BellaAine regarding finding out coverage for CBT, it can really change your outlook on things
Well damn...A LOT has been unpacked here in such a short amount of time and I'm not even sure to take what you said in truth @DavesNotHere420 but if it is, cuddling definitely won't be enough to remedy what you got going on.
To simplify the matter a bit by going a few posts back, if you feel that you not being attractive is what keeping you from finding a cuddle buddy, that couldn't be farther from the truth. A wise man once told me that "You don't have to be good looking but you have to look good." I'm also on the lighter side of the spectrum as well and I've always considered myself "mid" on the looks scale but a lot of your problems can be solved in presenting yourself as the best version of yourself as well as having a personality and identity that potential cuddle buddies can feel welcome and safe with.
Simply put, you gotta put some effort on your image and it's not solely on looks. We can't change what we look like but we can always control how we present ourselves and the impression we strive to leave on others. You won't always hit a home run but it will improve your chances out in the field.
It is always quite possible that the person who you said you were ghosted by might have felt a little overwhelmed and unequipped, as it seems like you are expecting something to come of it that is not necessarily realistic in terms of helping your mental and physical health. At the end of the day this is just cuddling, and the people who you are cuddling with whether cuddle pro or not are not mental health therapists. It's not fair to them to expect them to fix you, nor is it fair to yourself.
Hey brother. So sorry that has been your experience. Don't blame yourself. Just keep trying to find a cuddling partner.
Imdeed hang in there i wish I had more to add but alot has already been said. It will come in time!
Your thread is starting to look like a dog pile. Sorry. Here are some well-intentioned thoughts.
First, if your picture is accurate, it isn’t the reason you’re getting ghosted. When considering getting close to a man, most women here (as in other places) tend to worry more about whether a man is a threat to their safety than they do about how a man looks. They’re scanning for self-awareness and candor, not eye candy.
Next, your profile says you’re 57 (and 58). Being inconsistent about your age will cause people to suspect you aren’t being forthright. And misrepresenting yourself in any way will certainly make you seem less trustworthy. This makes prospective cuddle partners feel less safe. See above.
Related to that, the picture you posted was taken in 2023. Since phones are readily available nowadays, the use of an old photo signals to people that you have to go back 3 years to find a decent picture of yourself. They might fear your looks have deteriorated significantly, since then. Or, they might worry that you haven’t done anything you felt like documenting in that timeframe.
Finally, you’re pushing 60. But your stated preferences is to cuddle women 12 to 27 years younger than you. I have no idea what’s behind that preference. But you might want to take a look at that, and think about how that comes across.
Best wishes! 🐒
Yikes, sorry that happened to you. Being ghosted is frustrating enough, but it can be especially discouraging when it leaves you wondering whether your appearance played a role.
For what it’s worth, I don’t think ghosting is a reflection of your worth or attractiveness. Some people simply avoid uncomfortable conversations instead of communicating honestly. I do think having a profile picture can help, but regardless of the reason, a quick and respectful response would have been the adult thing to do in my opinion.
@DavesNotHere420, as someone else said here, you seem to be looking for a cuddle pro who is willing to "heal" you. I think cuddle pros should not be the first place you look.
If you're not employed, go find a job - any job with coworkers. Or join a club. Be friendly. Try to blend in as best as possible but with your own personality, quirks and all. Some coworkers /fellow club members will become acquaintants. Some acquaintants will become buddies. A buddy or two will become friends. Friends will give you bro/buddy handshakes and hugs, organically.
And all along, find a therapist who will use evidence-based methods to help you develop a more positive outlook. Surely this journey won't be easy but you WILL be fine.
Hard to say. I was getting along with a girl on here through messaging for a month and she wanted to meet. She was just a few years younger, so I thought it was all good as we both lived less than 5 miles. We met at a coffee place and talked for over an hour even though she was feeling under the weather and had to go to sleep at a certain time to be able to get up to work her night shift. Nothing became of it although we still chatted for a few more months on here I guess I wasn't what she was looking for.
@DavesNotHere420 your picture is fine 👍 I don’t see anything wrong with it.. You are being You.. It may take some time, just remember that there is someone for everyone here and in the world.. You will find what you are looking for …there are many amazing enthusiasts/pros on the site .. who knows why you were “ ghosted” .. maybe she just had a change of heart for her own reasons that had nothing to do with you or your looks.. we can’t be everyone’s cup of tea personality/looks … I KNOW I am not everyone’s cup of tea.. it’s ok .. Life is still good 😊 While therapy can be helpful to learn and develop skills to manage/deal with/overcome depression and anxiety, it’s a personal choice.. I’m not going to tell you that you need a therapist just because you’re having a hard time meeting people here.. 😊 If you are seeking an enthusiast, it may take some time getting to know them .. Reach out .. Be yourself.. Be patient and remember that the other person might be nervous as well.. Either way, I hope you find an amazing enthusiast or amazing pros in your area 😃
Hey it seems like you are struggling with some loneliness and isolation that is contributing to your mental and physical health struggles. I'm so sorry you're going through that as it is not easy at all.
I know there are meet up groups (look on the "meet up" website) that offer free gatherings, not just got cuddlers but also social events for neurodivergent people, random hobbies and interests!
Maybe look into dancing (folk, ballroom, line dancing, ect. Often are beginner friendly and offer platonic touch. And opens you up to communities. Also they often have free events at community centers or churches!
In terms of being on this site, I will say it is not stacked in male cuddlers favor due to the disparity of male vs female cuddlers. And the fact that a lot of men only want to cuddle younger females. (Also many omul reach out to ones they find attractive so something to consider for yourself even!)
Outside of that I have noticed you comment on a lot of posts stating how frustrated you are and how this is a NEED for you and being upset other people aren't responding to your need. Just to give you clear perspective, I have found this a turn off and would not have wanted to cuddle with you.
One is because it comes across as a bit aggressive by commenting so often and reiterating that you need it and that others are somehow bad for not giving it to you. I was also skeptical of your situation (I am not saying you are lying by any means BUT you say this is a medical concern of yours and that you are in desperate need, however are only willing to see females significantly younger than you. Which I again I gently challenge you to consider why that is and if that preference is worth it? Or if this is not as desperate as you are stating if you are willing to turn people away based on age.
I don't intend this to sound mean, but to just give you the perspective of a female on this site. And to say that women are much more interested in looking for signs of any sort that might indicate someone might not be the best fit. I just wanted to give you some feedback because you asked for it.
As for the OP
@DavesNotHere420
Do you have men in your life that you spend time with whether they be family and or friends. Whenever I see posts similar to yours, I think about my life and my relationships with my Brothers and my buddies is extremely important. We don’t cuddle but there are plenty of hugs and make bonding. I think positive relationships with other men is something that many men are missing. I’m just curious if you have a positive circle of men in your life?
Alright, so... I don't think this is as simple as "only attractive people get to cuddle." Believe me, I've been a client for other practitioners enough to know as much.
A lot of women, especially when dealing with scenarios involving physical closeness with strangers, are screening primarily for emotional safety, stability, self-awareness, and low-pressure interaction. If someone comes across to them as carrying a lot of desperation, frustration, or expectation into the interaction, that can make people back away even if the person is a 10/10 in conventional attractiveness.
Your appearance isn't hurting nearly as much as you think it is. The bigger issue is how you elect to present yourself. The age inconsistency that others have pointed out, the dated photo, and comments about needing this for your health (while that may be true), and the focus on younger women all create an overall impression that can make people hesitant.
For what it's worth: being lonely, touch-starved, or depressed doesn't make you unworthy of connection, but strangers are more likely to respond positively when they feel they're meeting someone grounded and emotionally manageable to them rather than placing the weight of their wellbeing onto the interaction (i.e., "this is too much").
I think your profile is likely unintentionally communicating a few things that may make women cautious, and I suspect that’s affecting responses more than your physical appearance.
The “slightly autistic” and “nervous meeting new people” parts are fine in moderation because honesty is good; however, when it is combined with “most comfortable in my own home” and “my place is big and could handle a cuddle party,” the overall tone can come across less like “safe and relaxed” and more like someone trying to fast-track strangers into a private environment.
The biggest thing standing out to me is probably the age range. You’re 57/58 and specifically looking for women 30–45. Whether it is intentional or not, that will immediately narrow your pool and may make some women question your motivations,
I also think the profile is too centered on disclaimers and logistics, and not enough on who you are as a person emotionally-speaking. Right now it reads like "I'm awkward, nervous, at home, and have space" instead of "I'm kind, grounded, safe, and enjoyable to be around."
You don't need to pretend to be ultra-confident, but you do want to project emotional steadiness. Something warmer and simpler would probably land better. For example:
"I'm a semi-retired guy who enjoys sci-fi, movies, relaxing conversation, and quiet company. I'm a little introverted at first, but ultimately kindhearted and easygoing once comfortable. I'm relatively new to the cuddle community and mainly looking for a relaxed and respectful platonic connection."
That kind of wording will feel safer, calmer, and less loaded.
I'd also strongly recommend:
Most people in spaces such as this are looking for comfort, ease, and emotional safety above all else. I would refrain from mentioning these things until later when you establish regular visits with someone and they are comfortable with that level of intimacy.
@scpcguy -- curious about what you mean by your first paragraph. Are you implying you don't consider yourself attractive? Or that professionals you've worked with have told you about working with unattractive people?
(I'm definitely in the self-deprecating "convinced I'm ugly" camp, which is just no fun. I always find it helpful to remember this is a common struggle for folks of every age and all genders. Helps me to be less self critical. It's kinda like how people tend to react negatively to hearing their recorded voice!)
Beyond that: OP you've clearly gotten a TON of feedback. I think scpcguy's feedback is particularly helpful. Don't give up! Give the profile a good sprucing up and be patient.
@SafeWarmPlzKthx - I don't necessarily consider myself attractive or unattractive; rather, I consider myself to be significantly lower on a 10-point scale than those whom I have been romantically involved with state; but that doesn't mean what I can offer others doesn't far outweigh physical appearance.
I state that to state this: We are probably the worst judges of ourselves, and often the familiarity of seeing oneself often can skew perception towards one way or another. I think a lot of people struggle with self-image more than they openly care to admit, especially given environments centered around closeness, vulnerability, or attraction.
At the same time, I've also seen enough in adjacent spaces to know that outward aesthetics is merely a single variable among many, and it often ends up not being as dominant as people think it is when someone begins to understand who you are beneath surface-level dynamics. Presentation, emotional tone, conversational energy, perceived safety, confidence, authenticity, and social ease are all at play, and all of these factors matter... a lot. Create space to permit someone to feel safe in your presence first, then everything else comes after such safety is established.
People who are aesthetically average or below average can also come across as incredibly warm, grounded, and appealing while inversely, someone can be conventionally attractive and still make people uncomfortable.
I also believe that people often underestimate just how much desperation or self-loathing leaks through communication even during times it isn't directly stated. Humans are incredibly sensitive in general to emotional framings, and I believe the whole "hearing your own recorded voice" comparison you state here is pretty accurate. Most are harsher toward themselves than others are.
We are probably the worst judges of ourselves, and often the familiarity of seeing oneself often can skew perception towards one way or another
@scpcguy This is incredibly true. We gravitate toward the one thing we perceive as our greatest attribute and hide what we interpret as our greatest flaw. And we are always baffled and amazed when someone else sees us in a different light than we do. But this is good because this is how we cultivate and grow self awareness.
It's their loss. I prefer to be ghosted after a photo reveal than waste time getting to know someone who is not interested in knowing me as a human.
@scpcguy wow, your comments are SPOT ON. I really appreciated that.
Physically You look great. Very handsome, imo.