I used to be addicted to soap...but I'm clean now.
To make holy water, boil the hell out of it
Definition: Why DJs make great psychologists.
Solution: They give "sound" advice.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?? He wanted to see time fly
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time consuming.
It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.
Did you know the Titanic's pool is still filled with water to this day.
Refuse novacaine. Transcend dental medication.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road??
He didn't have the guts👻
I didn't understand why the ball was getting bigger.....and then it hit me.
5 ants are renting an apartment, then 5 more are added to the lease.
Now they're Ten-ants
Ok ok but it’s super dirty It’s me covered in mud 😂😂😂
I've seen a lot of plateaus in my life, but this one's a butte.
I'm glad you liked my time travel joke.
What did the Dad buffalo say to his boy as he headed off to work?
Byeson
I'm now trying a minimalist approach to life - but I don't really have anything to show for it.
My friend designed a pencil with two erasers but no graphite/lead. I don't see the point of it.
I was going to try an all-almond diet, but then I decided that’s just nuts.
My boss stole my chair again. I'm not going to stand for this anymore.
If marriage were made illegal, only outlaws would have in-laws.
I wanted to mail a cake to my friend but the post office said I could not use food stamps.
My son was chewing electrical cords so I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly.
What do you call a Viking without a boat?
A hiking
What happens when you touch Duane Johnson's butt ? You hit rock bottom
My dentist told me I needed a crown. I said, I know, right!.
Why won’t cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.
I asked my dog what two minus two was. He said nothing.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
I had an accident the other day. I fell into an upholstery machine. Fully recovered now.