⚠️Trigger Warning ⚠️ Processing the death of a family member.

CaramelNotesCaramelNotes
in General

A family member is transitioning, and it has brought up some complicated feelings for me. We were never close, but he has always been proud of me and my accomplishments.

I feel sad for the family members who have been closest to him. He hasn't had an easy life, and he ever really found his footing or experienced the kind of life most of us hope for. He spent a significant portion of his life struggling just to get by. In the years since he reconnected with the family, his quality of life didn't improve very much.

It makes me sad to think about how little there may be to say about his life when the time comes to say goodbye. Not because he was a bad person, but because it feels as though so much of his life passed without him ever finding his place in the world or leaving much of a mark. There's something heartbreaking about that.

But what makes me saddest is knowing that the people who love him will miss him. He is loved, and that matters, even if his life didn't unfold the way anyone might have hoped.

I also feel a little guilty that I never loved him the way he seemed to love me. But the truth is that we were essentially strangers. He lived on the streets for a significant portion of his life. By the time he came back home, I was leaving home; so our lives didn't overlap.

I don't think I'm grieving the loss of a close relationship. I think I'm grieving the life he didn't get to have, the things he may never have experienced, and the sadness of knowing that someone can live a long life without ever seeming to find much happiness or purpose. And I'm grieving for the people who love him and will have to say goodbye.

It's a strange kind of sadness, and I'm not entirely sure what to do with it.

Comments

  • iLuvzaiLuvza

    My condolensces to you.

  • Ruby14Ruby14

    My condolences😔. I’m wishing you and your family peace as you navigate this.

    You mentioned that he was proud of you and your accomplishments, despite the distance between you. That alone tells me he had the capacity to care and find joy in someone else’s happiness. And who knows? Perhaps those moments of pride brought him more happiness and fulfillment than you realize. Maybe even motivated him to keep going…

    And the fact that there are people who love him and will miss him means his presence mattered.

    As for the guilt, love is unfortunately not something we can reciprocate simply because someone offers it to us. And sometimes we have to make peace with that, even when it’s easier said than done. Relationships are built through shared experiences, time, and connection, and it sounds like circumstances didn’t give you much opportunity to develop those things with him. SoI don’t think you need to figure out exactly what to do with this sadness right now. Just acknowledging it, while giving yourself grace for the complicated feelings that accompany it, is enough to start. 🫶🏾

  • CaramelNotesCaramelNotes

    Thank you @iLuvza I appreciate your kindness

    @Ruby14 🥹🥹🥹 thank you friend. So much wisdom. 🫶🏽

  • JustAGuy215JustAGuy215

    I'm sorry you and your family have to go through this. I recently lost my grandfather and it was tough on us all. It's been a few months now but I still avert my eyes when I see pictures of him. It'll be hard for a while, the space they hold in your life, no matter the form, will always seem a little empty. There isn't much to do though. Especially when you know what's coming. The best you can hope for is that they don't have to suffer and can go peacefully. It'll suck for the family, but as everyone shares stories, you'll realize that no matter how big or small of an influence they had in your life, there will always be things that'll make you smile when you think about them. Not all the memories will be painful. And I think that's the best we can get.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited October 19

    @CaramelNotes So first off, your feelings are normal regardless of how close you were. If he had been extremely close to you your feelings would be just as complicated if not more so. But there is beauty in endings as they can not only pull out the most despairing feelings in you, but also offer you the vision of hindsight to see the essential goodness that resided within him. His pride in you obviously meant something and gave you a bit of encouragement fuel to achieve more even as it appeared he achieved less. But that fuel he offered you is an achievement because it touched you and at the end you recognize that little spark he once gave you.

    Not every relationship is a raging bonfire, but there are those who offer a small spark upon which bonfires are birthed. My condolences. He sounds like a person who despite his struggles, never forgot his humanity.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    I'm so sorry you and your family are going through this. Sending you a big hug. 🫂 ❤️ My heart especially goes out to those closest to him. It's so hard watching people you love go through something so heartbreaking.

    I can relate to some of what you're feeling. I lost my sister-in-law just last month. She was my brother's high school sweetheart, and I'd known her for 30 years. We were once really close, but we'd been estranged for the last 15 years.

    I went home for her funeral to be there for my brother and my niece and nephew, and honestly, my heart just broke for them. Seeing their pain and knowing how much they loved her was the hardest part. No matter what my relationship with her had become, I knew how much she meant to them and how deeply her loss would affect their lives.

    I think sometimes the sadness comes not just from our own relationship with someone, but from knowing how much they're loved by others and how much they'll be missed. And there's also sadness for the life they lived and the way we wish things could have been different.

    Please don't feel guilty about having complicated feelings. You can care about someone and feel sad for them and their family even if you weren't close. Sending you and your family my heartfelt condolences and lots of hugs. ❤️🫂

  • Dcuddler4UDcuddler4U
    edited October 20

    @CaramelNotes My condolences, it is never easy to lose a family member. Years ago I loss a cousin who I grew up with, we weren't as close as adults as were when were kids, but it was very hard and I still get sad when I think about him because I miss him but also I am sad he had his whole life ahead of him, and out of nowhere he was gone.

    The one thing you have that many of us who lose family members don't is time (obviously not infinite time). If there are things that need to be said, you can say them. And if not, if he's just a family member who always put you on a pedestal and you were just never that close because you were living your life.... you have time to just make him feel special.

    I don't have any kids of my own, I would like to, but with each passing day it seems less likely. But I have a niece, not even biological, but a good friend has a daughter and she thinks of me as her uncle (I don't know if she realizes we're not related). I love this little girl in a way I never knew possible, I am amazed by everything she does, how smart she is, how funny she is, and the most amazing thing to me is.... I remember a time when she wasn't here, I remember when my friend told me she was pregnant, who knew months later one of best people in the history of humankind would soon exist.

    As she gets older I know she is going to end up doing amazing things, meeting amazing people, definitely people far more impressive than me. It is what it is.

    But my point is... if I was on my death bed, it wouldn't make me feel any better to have my niece thinking about how sad and pointless my life is (which it is).... but it would mean the entire world to me for her to visit or call or send me something showing appreciation for me always being her biggest fan. I would literally die happy if my niece said "thank you for always believing in me"

    There might be more to your story than your sharing here, so maybe you can't do that, but if you can you should consider it.

    Regardless I am sorry for your loss.

  • jonnyquestjonnyquest

    My condolences.. As a lot of people have mentioned grief is a complicated thing and it's something these past 12 years I've come to be familiar with way too many times.. Losing both my parents, my best friend, having four people that graduated high school with me passed away within two and a half weeks of each other.. And there's more but you get the idea.. Some of them knew how I felt about them others only found out when I was staring down looking at them in the casket.. I mourn losing them and also I wonder what life they would have led if they just had a few more years.. That in itself led to some sleepless nights.. If you're asking me if I've gotten over it the answer is no I've just learned to live with it.. Probably not the healthiest thing to do.. Anyway you'll have to be forgiving because I tend to ramble sometimes.. But it's also times like these that I really don't know what to say ..I guess I just wanted to let you know that you weren't alone.

  • VibeSeekerVibeSeeker

    My condolences. It's hard. My younger sibling whom I lost early last year had some similar troubles if not exact.

    What your saying sounds familiar too me and it's a very hard thing to accept. It's going to take time to get through a lot of very hard emotions but I am here to support you and give you all the time you need

    Stay away from unsupportive and unhelpful people even if they are family.

    Only my faith and support around me has carried me through the last couple of years and no it hasn't been easy. Godspeed on your journey.

  • SaraCoeurSaraCoeur

    That was so beautifully and honestly articulated… I hope you are able to let the emotion move through you.. no need to fully understand. Your body does..

  • GroundingLightGroundingLight

    First, I’m sorry you’ve lost someone… close or not it’s always a struggle for those who are left behind.
    Like you said, they transitioned… that is a beautiful thing. You showing support to those who were close to them could be a great way for YOU to process what you’re feeling.
    Everyone on here has said some really beautiful things and even tho none of us really know each other, that’s comforting…
    Light yourself a candle, speak your words of truth, take a hot shower and release what you need to.
    ♥️♥️🪶🪶🪶🕯️

  • CaramelNotesCaramelNotes

    Thank you everyone. I will come back and read these a little later. For context, he truly didn't have a quality of life. I don't want to go too far into detail, but I'm not speaking in general, I mean he really didn't have a quality of life. I called last night to say goodbye but I couldn't speak to him. He wasn't quite awake.

    He transitioned overnight/this morning.

  • Dcuddler4UDcuddler4U

    :'( <3
    Thoughts and prayers.

  • Kaz_MahanaKaz_Mahana
    edited October 20

    @CaramelNotes first of all let me extend my condolences and well wishes to you and your family. Loss in any capacity is tragic and is something that no matter how much you prepare for, can leave you in a heap. Grief in and of itself is so complex and there isn’t really a playbook for how to navigate those moments you aren’t prepared for. Frankly at times, you’re forced to sit with it face to face at the table.

    I’m still dealing with the process myself 16 months after my most devastating loss. There are times where I don’t even think about it as if it never happened and others where I agonize over my own guilt and lament over the things I wanted and wished for that person which leaves me inconsolable. All of your feelings are completely valid and part of the process. I think the most important thing is to give yourself grace and to be gentle on yourself as needed. It’s a process, it’s YOUR process. On your own time and at your own pace. I’m always available via DM as well if you ever want to speak. Wishing you, you family member and everyone around you blessings and well wishes ✨

  • MagneticJoyMagneticJoy

    Having the feeling to reflect on it gives his existence in your life meaning, whatever that meaning is. It’s your experience to feel, I’m so sorry for your loss grieving what you’ve missed and glad you got to say goodbye. Sending warmth and light to comfort you.

  • BearBear

    @CaramelNotes my condolences to you. If you need to talk to anyone, feel free to reach out to me.

  • CuddlesWithCatCuddlesWithCat

    I am sorry for your loss. The grief never really fades, you just learn to live with it

  • MelanieLMelanieL

    My condolences for your loss. Sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family. ❤️

  • zoeloveshugszoeloveshugs

    I’m so very sorry for your loss ❤️.
    Grieving is a strange & tricky process.Allow yourself to grieve in any way that feels right for you. It’s complex and nuanced and it will go through twists and turns over time. Sending hugs 🤗 and light. You’re not alone!

  • CrusoeCrusoe
    edited October 20

    I hope you know that you're 'ok' not knowing how to frame your feelings surrounding this. This is all unfamiliar and you're navigating it real time. Sometimes it helps to acknowledge that you don't have to cleanly categorize every feeling you're experiencing. Polar opposite feelings, like grief and relief, can exist at the same time. Be gentle with yourself.

  • CaramelNotesCaramelNotes
    edited October 29

    Thank you all for your beautiful and kind words. I was wrong. Let me explain...

    I didn't want to speak too deeply about his life, as his decisions are ones that don't align with my morals and values or most people's morals and values. He spent a lot of time incarcerated, unhoused, on the streets and doing some pretty awful things.

    I believe that you can have a good heart AND be misguided and make poor, harmful, decisions. But those decisions still have impacts and consequences.

    I remembered the last 20 or so years of his life, in which he didn't have a quality of life. What I forgot was that he lived a robust life before then. We didn't anticipate anyone showing up for the service but the small room was filled to capacity. It was probably over 50 people there, some going back to their days in high school and growing up as a child. Everyone who spoke, spoke about how he always had a smile and a positive attitude. His associates spoke on how successful he was in their field, albeit a bad field, he was successful in it non the less. People remembered him. Most importantly, people remembered how his positive outlook made them feel.

    My family had a beautiful time gathering. I was able to see cousins that I hadn't seen in a while. My child heard stories from various family members about their childhoods and discovered new family lore. It was beautiful in its own way.

    Thank you all for holding space.

  • MeltMyWayMeltMyWay

    Oh, I love this! ❤️ I'm so glad you and your family had such a beautiful experience. Sometimes we only know certain chapters of someone's life and forget there's a whole story we weren't there to witness.

    And I don't think you were wrong in how you felt before. You were speaking from what you knew. Both things can be true. He could have made some terrible choices and still touched people's lives in a positive way.

    I especially love that your child got to hear all those family stories. What a gift! I'm so glad what you expected to be a sad goodbye turned into something filled with love, connection and beautiful memories. Sending hugs! 🫂❤️