@DarrenWalker Well yeah, I haven't read the whole gossip, I only read this part in where you mention this... "Saying you can never have truly platonic cuddles because for a cuddle to be really good you have to actually care about the other person is like saying you can never have a truly platonic friendship because in order for a friendship to be really good you have to actually care about the other guy." And this is why I've commented.
I thought you had already noticed which is my main language, based on my nickname.
Regards!
@garrablanca: Um. Yes, I know. Have you not noticed that you were going off on a tangent? I suppose it's possible that you haven't. Don't know what would cause that, so not sure how to counter it. Hmm.
Okay, look:
Cuddleooo says "Cuddling is sexual because in a really good cuddle you actually care about the other person."
I say "In that case, friendship is sexual because in a really good friendship you actually care about the other person."
You say "In a good friendship, both people really care about each other!"
Which is true, but has nothing to do with the topic at hand, which is whether actually caring about other people makes the things you do with them sexual. It's as though you were arguing with someone who believed the position of the stars relative to Earth's hemispheres at various times determined his path in life, and I pointed out that stars give off light.
As far as your name goes... no, I'm still lost. Spanish? French? Portuguese? Italian? ...Romanian? Odds are against Galacian or Asturian, but this is the internet—one gets a lot of representation here. Catalan?
I’m asexual so this is kind of alien to me. I don’t even experience sex as sensual, just sensation itself akin to having your back scratched. I like touch, which is why I’m here. I’m just having a hard time computing. Sex touch is around very intimate areas of the body, and a lot of the appeal I’ve observed is partly in having the privilege of touching areas people normally restrict access to. Cuddling, it is not dealing with intimacy apart from shared personal space. It’s just a long hug in essence. So do hugs incite the same reaction?
The men in my life get random boners sometimes for no reason, like waking up or if you stand up too fast, and if they take a deep breath it will go away on its own. Shouldn’t the same be possible with cuddling for sexual people? To calm down and breathe and it will pass?
@chubbybunny: As an ace myself, I hear you. I think it was this very forum, a few years back, where I said that even sex didn't seem sexual to me—it's just sensual, just sensation. Like having my back scratched, or curling into a fleece blanket, or pushing through to that second wind while running... just physical sensation, nice but nothing special.
I had to redefine my ideas about what counts as "sexual" in order to communicate with other people.
These days, I pretty much define "sexual" as "the act of male-female sex or any activity intended to produce the pleasure commonly experienced during that act; also including any activity intended to lead to the former [that is, the bit in front of the semicolon]."
It's probably not entirely accurate, but it's worked for me so far.
Edit: ['Scuse me, I'm making breakfast and am easily distracted]
Forgot to say, this means that cuddling is sexual if and only if one or more of the people involved intend to get sexual pleasure out of it or use it as a step on the road to actual sex. Should be easy enough to avoid....
To the OP. Your title invites the challenge to change your mind. I feel your mind is already made, so i will refrain from that task. For me, personally, i do not feel cuddling is always slightly sexual. You are leaving out a whole lot of context for person, place, time, and situation. There is not always a romantic context nor is it always a surrogate for a romantic context, particularly if cuddling a family member, or a friend who is more like a family member. As for folks on this site, of course there will be those who only seek out those they are attracted to and would otherwise consider romantic relationships with, however there are also a lot who dont.
What attracts me to platonic cuddling is that it is non-sexual.
It's possible for people to approach cuddling in a sexual way, even if they don't act on it -- just to enjoy the feeling of being aroused. I think that misses the point. I love the discovery that you can separate intimacy, affection, vulnerability and physical/emotional closeness from sex and romance.
Question for all: how do you judge people’s intentions? On this site or otherwise. We all know that anyone can say anything but how do you judge if there intentions are sexual in nature or honestly platonic? Asking for myself and a friend.
@BashfulLoner I believe it is somewhere between difficult and impossible to know the intentions of another person 100% for certain. But I’d say get to know them through more than one or two exchanges of messages, maybe phone calls or Skype calls. Talk about needs and previous experience. I think sooner or later, the more you communicate, the more likely that you will feel secure or not, on meeting for a cuddle.
I don't think "sexual" is the right word for me but I would say for sure cuddling is always on some level "romantic", for me. Not in the Hallmark sense of romance but in the sense of physical attraction. I wouldn't presume to know how others view or experience it though. That's just how it is for me.
@BashfulLoner: I usually stick to judging my own intentions, since they're the only ones I can be sure about most of the time. And I can control them (always a real plus)!
Like @mickcuddle says, though, talking to people can give you an idea of their mindset toward cuddling, which really helps you figure out what their intent for a cuddle is most likely to be. It's not 100% or anything, but it's definitely better than nothing.
I agree @DarrenWalker, i just get the impression people may get the wrong impression or give off the wrong impression from time to time. I’ve got some impressions for sure and i think people get the wrong impression from me a lot as well. I try to enter each convo with taking everything at face value.
@mickcuddle This is absolutely true. You can never know. You can only get an idea through communication. Agendas, motivations, and emotions can be well hidden by many and it is the reason threads like this are like chasing the proverbial dog’s tail. Everyone has their opinion on it, usually supported by anecdotal evidence, and states their utopian goal. Problem is, utopian goals are agendas as well and as varied as bad agendas.
Solution to this problem/issue/concept that works well - if you get a hint of some intention that doesn't match the direction you're interested in - bail OR ask them directly what they mean/want/said - try the active listening approach:
This is what I heard, "abc," based on what your comment "xyz." I am curious if you meant "abc or xyz or something different, can you explain your intent behind that comment?
Hopefully that makes sense to people - it's excellent for verbal and written communication IF you don't get lost on words verses meaning in the words - the point is to point out the words chosen and clarify what their meaning or intent was with those words and how you interpreted them.
I have actually created a survey about platonic cuddling to help clarify the data. I can share the survey results with you all.
https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/G3VTVLV
The difference to me between sexual and nonsexual in a cuddle session is not how a person's body reacts to the closeness of another human being, but how that person manages the reaction. Some men will get an involuntary erection from the close contact. If they do not call attention to it, if they put a hand over it so it does not contact me, if none of their other behavior is sexual, then I see it for what it is. We do choose partners in something as intimate as cuddling based on appearance, but that can be the appearance of friendliness, warmth, acceptance, and from a woman's position: safety. I get messages on here from people with no written profile and no profile photo asking to meet the same day to cuddle. I immediately feel unsafe. I've had people take offense and argue with me when I refuse to meet under these circumstances; nonprofessionals are not service providers, men! It is impossible to hold people to the behavior standards set by this site once they're alone in intimate contact, but the more you define yourself in your profile and photos the easier it is for us to make informed choices about partners, and to avoid the predators. And I define predator by your behavior alone.
@snuggleup101 - Thank you for saying up above what I often think (when I am contacted by men who ask for same day cuddles without a filled out profile or so much as a friendly greeting when they send me a message).
You said: "I've had people take offense and argue with me when I refuse to meet under these circumstances; nonprofessionals are not service providers, men! " Exactly!
As an enthusiast I am likely looking for what a non pro male is - a warm, accepting and genuine connection - and like many women on here - also a safe connection. I am not a service provider and I constantly scratch my head when men approach me as if I were.
Sometimes I am in the mood to "educate" them on this point... sometimes not. Not my job! Perhaps it is due to confusion (especially for newbies) about the need to change your approach when hoping to meet an enthusiast cuddler v. a pro cuddler. I realize that many people jump onto this site without reading through the guidelines and advice that many people have taken the time to share in the forums- at least that is my impression after being a member here for approx. a year.
I realize this post is not a direct comment on the original topic - but I had to acknowledge your contribution. Thanks again!
Cuddling with a cuddle buddy is always B-l-i-s-s-f-u-l !
@snuggleup101 - I think you made some great points. Cuddling is an intimate activity. Some reactions are normal and pleasant and may seem sexual but aren't or won't lead to it. Let's face it, how many people outside of this forum/website would say that two people snuggling in a bed under sheets while wearing pajamas are doing something sexual? I think a lot of people would and do. So, as many people have said or agreed with, learning a cuddle partner's desires and intentions along with a bit about them is essential. Related to the title of this great thread: I think cuddling is always intimate. Is that slightly sexual? Everyone has their own definitions.
Thanks for everyone who has participated in the survey about platonic cuddling so far. Let's see if we can get 20 more responses in the next 48 hours.
Here are the survey results - enjoy! https://www.surveymonkey.com/results/SM-JQLWVFDRV/
The survey is still open if you want to answer, but I thought it would be good to get some answers before revealing any data.
Here's some of the data as it stands right now:
Is cuddling (through an arranged cuddle session) 100% platonic for yourself? * Yes: 8 (57.14%) * No: 4 (28.57%) * Not sure: 2 (14.29%)
Have you ever gotten sexually aroused during a cuddle session? * Yes: 9 (64.29%) * No: 5 (35.71%) * Not sure: 0 (0.00%)
Has a cuddle partner of yours ever gotten sexually aroused during a cuddle session? * Yes: 11 (78.57%) * No, not that I know of / Unsure: 3 (21.43%)
Interesting. A higher percentage of cuddlers say cuddling is not 100% platonic than I would have guessed. Would love to see the breakdown by sex.
Some men are not capable of getting an erection, which is far more common than most people realize or assume. So for them cuddling is not sexual.
On the other hand there are involuntary erections, already mentioned. The body has a mind of its own.
Even the dog park is sexualized:
https://apple.news/AELwCJmZbT-KZS3oaxuTtxw
My first thought: Do not approach the dog park.
@DarrenWalker I thought the same thing! Lmao
MOD: Comment removed. Mentions of naked cuddling are inappropriate. [SoulcuddlerZ]
@snuggledad
“...hopefully nobody views this in a negative light because it’s a controversial subject here.”
Nah, dude. An adult cuddling naked with a minor isn’t a controversial thing here. What would make you possibly think that?
...
Would you kindly leave?
(Edit: I accidentally tagged someone going by Cuddledad in my initial post. I attribute this to being absolutely baffled, and I apologize for the mistake.)
And my one question to Cuddledad is, "Does your wife know and approve of your cuddle activities with other women?" I have been approached by a number of married men on here and decline to cuddle because even if nonsexual, cuddling is very close and intimate, and I think most spouses would not be happy knowing their partner was engaged in it.
@hogboblin
I should clarify that she was 18 at the time that happened. She was 16 when she started college, turned 17 shortly after, and it was over a year before we got to that point. I assure you I'm not a perv.
That’s neat. I totally believe you. Never mind that there’s a multitude of other things about your post that are bizarre and gross.
I’m curious: what compelled you to share that story? You even acknowledge that it might be controversial. Like...how could you think it was a good idea? In any way whatsoever?