@trazom56 it's specifically the outside reader perspective. I am not picking apart the definition of sad but I at least appreciate you trying to understand my point. My issue is the fact that as someone who has taken what you call a "little risk" and have been greatly hurt (I.e. assault or worse) you are belittling someone's decision who has every right to make. "I just think it is sad situation that that person is missing out without good reason." Again, you don't know what someone has gone through and does not instill to me that you are compassionate. It also seems to imply that you are seeking only self satisfaction under the guise of concern for someone else. Again this is just first impression based of post I've read from you.
I think the main thing is that I am not mad at you. I honestly believe that from reading your post, you just don't get how it can be offensive, but just going off of post alone as being my source of knowing you, it sets off a lot of red flags of some past communication for me. I agree that meeting people is a risk, but belittling someone for being cautious about airs on the side of manipulative.
@trazom56 I am giving you the benefit of the doubt, which is why i am telling you how it comes across and is being perceived. That means i realize you may not actually mean it that way, however this is the message that gets conveyed. Try to consider it constructive criticism without taking offense to it. As men, we tend to not always account for how the female experience can greatly vary from ours, as well as how different their needs can be to ours. Taking risks and being "that girl" can be a not so great thing. Particularly when there is a history of negative experiences. I would imagine it is more beneficial for someone to meet the person where they are at emotionally and let them decide what is best, rather than mansplaining. If you choose to not return to the forums because you are upset over how something comes across than i wish you well and hopefully you will find what it is you are looking for. Just realize i am not here to bash you. Even though i may be critical of what you are saying, i am not denying you of your right to voice it
Well Said @pmvines!
@pmvines +1
@trazom56 it is about others perceptions of your words - there is no tone, on inflection, no non-verbal cues... just your words and how they could be interpreted. This thread included a lot of words from you that others viewed as arrogant, creepy and generally made them get a sense of danger or at the very least made them feel uncomfortable about you/with you. try HEARING their messages instead of defending your position. You did later explain it more/better but still... you also defended your original post many, many times. There's a disconnect, one you're on the "wrong" side of, accept it as a lesson learned and be good with who you are, what you represent and bring to the community forums or like you said don't come back if it's not a good fit. You seem to be highly successful here, go do you.
The OP started this thread to ask how to overcome fear, anxiety or nervousness. It's now be hijacked by one man defending himself against a few people who like to hear themselves talk.
Back on track please. If you don't have advice take your semantics to a new thread. Any excuse to argue for some.
~ *** *** ~
The ideas shared by one man here and the few women are all great. @Sideon's idea of an internet phone number is excellent also. One thing I've found by not asking, I now make clear up front; that I am here to find a friend. I'm not even remotely sexual with a friend.
I look for multiple cuddlers because it allows my greater than average need for touch to be spread out over multiple people without fear of developing inappropriate feelings. Plus I hope to establish long term cuddle relationships with them so we'll eventually become friends just for length of shared time together and experiences. I also have no issues cuddling married men and tend to prefer them if they truly are in love with their wives. They don't actually want to be sexual any more than I do. @Morpheus & @11rollover are very good examples of these men and possibly @happybear. These men are fully in love with their wives and don't take it sexual. If I had the chance I would gladly cuddle with them, especially Morpheus since he enjoys hair play and I like having my hair played with. But some married men are cheaters so screening for that as well. I don't allow massages of any sort to be done on me for personal reasons. I make that very clear also if it comes up.
Don't ask potential boyfriend type questions, like his hopes and dreams; ask the hard questions about boundaries, safety, and compatibility, possible allergy or health questions. Some sizes of people just don't cuddle well together certain ways in my opinion. That's just my opinion ~ and I am well aware it's not shared by many on this site. But I love to cuddle sensually - but I won't with a man that doesn't fit my body correctly. I will cuddle that man in a familial or nurturing way. I won't cuddle a married man sensually yet either. Maybe I will but I haven't had enough experience to be sure.
Ask him questions about why he wants to cuddle, what he's looking for in a cuddle, if he's cuddled before. If he's seen a pro before, maybe ask for a pro to contact as a reference. If he's seen pro's there should be karma on his profile, that's public information and the professional can at least generally verify that he's not a creep without violating any client agreements.
Maybe share a story from your past about a cuddle you really enjoyed and would like to try and recreate again. One for me that I don't care to recreate but is still a great example of a cuddle I remember fondly was when my older brother had his two buddies over for a sleep over and they were watching a scary movie. I finally pestered my way in to their couch pile but every time a really scary part came I got a face full of teen boy armpit or a forced tickle. Yuck. But wonderful at the same time! I was three years younger then them and adored my brother so anyone he was friends with was perfect in my book also.
You are in New York. I haven't looked to see the numbers but I would assume in a populated area like that the chances of finding at least two men should be pretty high. So if one puts you off or sends a red flag just stop and move on. Here's another good reason to spread out cuddlers, you get to experience different body types and cuddle styles. I now state in almost every response to a possible cuddle that it will be platonic, non sexual, friendship, etc...I try and work one or all of those words into each conversation I have with them.
New York has many free public indoor places, some that even encourage touch or quiet contemplation such as free art galleries, or museums. For those first few meets you don't even have to give a phone number or other contact information. Just tell him what you'll be wearing, get a current picture of him unfiltered and clear, and arrange the time and location to meet. Offer to split any costs or share costs so it doesn't feel like a date or that you owe him for the money he's put out.
Another thing i just started doing is let him know in our public meet that I am going to ask him a series of questions I want him to answer no to even if the answer isn't an automatic no. This gets both of us in the habit of saying & hearing no, it get's him comfortable with boundaries, and warms up that respect aspect of a cuddle. Then I ask him things like - Will you wear a tutu for me if I buy that red one in the window? Will you tickle me on purpose? Can I see your feet?(It's winter, I'm in North Dakota, there's large amounts of snow everywhere) Will you take your shirt off for me? Sing the chorus of your favorite song right here in the coffee shop loud enough to hear.
While the answers to some of these questions may be an automatic no, some may be a absolute yes. I would have no problem being barefoot if I were wearing sandals and it wasn't freezing so that could be a yes for me but it needs to be a no for the exercise. The point is he's getting comfortable saying no to me, he is hearing me tell him that if I ask him to do something inappropriate like take his shirt off the answer needs to be no and will always be no, and it's breaking the ice. He's showing that he can respect my wishes and we have a good laugh at the outrageousness of some of the questions. I'm guessing some guys would have no problems singing loudly in a coffee shop but they can't because I asked him to say no. Then I switch it around and he'll ask me a few goofball questions along with a couple required inappropriate uncomfortable questions. I've only done that once so far but it worked well in getting us comfortable with each other.
Personally I agree with more of what tranzome says then not; but the parts I agree with are not being afraid to take a chance, overcoming fears is empowering. Just do it with full knowledge and protection, and enjoy the new experiences gained by weighing the risks and stepping out. Kinda like that loneliness video @garrablanca shared a while ago.
Good luck, happy cuddling, and remember you get what you put into it!
@mmpacom I love your quote here, it's very appropriate to the thread before it went sideways. Thanks!
Yeah I agree that it did go sideways. I said all I needed to on that. Agree to disagree and move on. Thanks @PaulaDahla
@cuddlygirlhugs I, of course, wish the best of luck! I really like the idea of the series of questions ice breaker from @PaulaDahla and makes sense. I am very big on meeting someplace public first and from what I've heard from friends in NY, there is a larger cuddle community so there's that going in your favor! I imagine once the weather permits, parks would be ideal. I really liked prospect park for the arch areas to hide away into and I liked strawberry fields in central park just for the over all vibe. Not big on big city life, but those areas would be a good way to sway me into staying longer.
I was with a cuddler and she had a deck of cards, They had deep thought questions on all ranges of deep topics. I enjoy and appreciated spending 15 minutes hearing her thoughts, reasoning and rational and her getting mine as well. Whatever that will make the experience more relaxed. The name of the cards are: Mentally Stimulate Me They are avail through Amazon.
@laylanie I am going to put those on my list of want to try's. They sound great. Cards could be neat as an icebreaker.
Wait is this my post! Did I steer somewhere a war or what. Oh!
You're fine! This happens regularly. I was just behaving a bit badly by telling people to knock it off and let the poor girl get answers.
I did all the steering.
@ happybear ... how about a standard hoyles deck of cards .?
“ here cuddler , pick a card , anycard “
If the cuddler picks the ace of hearts that’s the best . Any knife or sword wielding face card beware .
If the cuddler picks s joker , RUN
@PaulaDahla , you can also use your tractor and plow them under
@cuddlerforu24 Not everyone knows how to play casino or some other card games . I think the conversation is more active evoking mindset.
I’m late to answer this. However your safety is far more important than whether someone is offended by your suspicion. I suggest asking whatever questions you need to feel confident before meeting someone. You also have some excellent advice on here about what and how to ask those questions. Good luck. ?
This is an interesting thread, and @trazom56 when i originally read your post i felt i could understand where you were coming from, because i often feel that some how I’m misunderstood or judged incorrectly by something i said, however it did take a creepy turn. I quickly decided i needed to rethink how i was thinking, because it made me uncomfortable think i May think that way. I don’t but it sounded weird to me.
I know i came back in this days later and you’ve all discussed it just offering my thought.
Hey, I'm new to this site and I got a lot of good solid tips from a lovely girl who reached out to me. If you want some advice that was passed to me, message me !
@CuddleCobraa You win the award for the most common sense post. Everyone is different. Sometimes it takes awhile to get comfortable, other people mesh in a minute. One person’s endless questions is another person’s eye roll. While safety is always a concern, there other ways of getting answers other than being grilled. I have found e-mail exchanges clear up most things but that is me and the cuddlers I have engaged with.
Bottom line is this is a subject that can go on ad nauseum. This is not rocket science, nor should we even pretend it is social science—it is just two people establishing boundaries. A good film editor can do that with a dating scene inside of three minutes.
There's no tried and true way to figure this all out. It's all touch and go (I didn't mean to go for that pun but there you are.) You're right to be nervous - you're doing something that can be very intimate and one can feel really vulnerable doing it.
Trust your gut. Trust that little voice in the back of your head. Trust your gut.
No one person is a good fit for all people. Just because there's good karma posted for someone doesn't mean that there's not someone sitting out there who had a negative experience with that person that didn't post their negative karma for whatever reason. It doesn't mean that there's not someone with whom that person just didn't hit it off.
I always recommend meeting in public first for your safety. Figure out your boundaries and stick with them. You're not obligated to anyone for anything at any time. You can be in the middle of a cuddle and it all feel wrong and you're free to leave then and there with no explanation owed. No one gets to tell you how to cuddle the "right" way. If planking is the way you cuddle then that's the way you cuddle. You can't do any of this "wrong" (okay, murder, rape and pillaging in the name of "platonic cuddling" would be wrong; like really, really wrong 8) ) as long as you're trying to be clear, honest, and up front with your needs and boundaries. You're always free to update or clarify something you've said if you feel that you didn't get your point across the way that you wanted to.
Figure out what works for you, honor yourself in every moment, and respect your cuddle buddy and their boundaries.
From my perspective I usually check out a person's size and build on their stat sheet. I feel safer if the man is smaller and less muscular. This may sound odd to you guys who want to take a smaller woman in your arms and make her feel safe, but if I think I'm stronger than my prospective cuddler I feel safer. I also engage in a lot of conversation before meeting and look for any red flags. If a man tells me I'm beautiful right away, that's a bad sign. If he calls me by an affectionate name, that's a bad sign. If he presses to meet right away, that's a bad sign. Though this is not a dating site, vet prospective cuddlers the same as you would someone on Bumble or OKCupid, and remember there is nothing wrong with saying "no".