I met a man who wants to experience cuddling for the first time however you told me he is married and cannot tell his wife This concerns me any suggestions?
Since it's platonic , it isn't your issue, it's his.
Maybe agree to do an introductory session but he has to agree to tell his wife before session #2
I'm sure you realize he could have taken the easy way out and claimed he was single or his wife approved.
Credit him for being honest.
It's a platonic activity, but some people can misinterpret this and blow it out of proportion. He may be embarrassed. I've had married clients many times and only a few actually told their spouses. He's being transparent with you and that's a good thing. People dont want to admit to their loved ones that they're vulnerable and seeking to find a connection with another human being.
I've personally never seen anything wrong with this situation to be honest. As it's already been said, this is a platonic service. Your client is seeking help and has looked to you to provide that for him. He may not know exactly how to help himself or his situation, but he knows that cheating on or leaving his wife won't fix anything. I applaud the married men who come see me, because they are taking steps towards self betterment without destroying themselves or the marriage that they care deeply about. These men may be ashamed to ask for help, embarrassed that their relationship isn't what it used to be, frustrated that they can't get their needs for intimacy met by their partner, etc. Dig a little deeper before condemning their actions, you never know what someone else is going through
I could also go off on a tangent about the societal norms of monogamy, how it doesn't work for everyone, and how it's unhealthy to get ALL your social, emotional, and physical needs from one person, but that's a whole other can of worms
@Jade25 Well said.
@inparadise ?
@Here4youAlways I personally would not do it, but ultimately your decision. For me, it's either a "Hell Yea" or it's a no.
I am only speaking for myself, but when I've been approached by married or committed people that didn't want their significant others to know, it was because their significant other would consider it a form of dishonesty. If your client's wife asks him where he has been for the time he was with you, he would lie. Never a good thing.
I'm not down with social norms either as stated by @inparadise, however, the client made the decision to be in that relationship.
I personally would not want to be involved in a situation where I knew a client had to be dishonest with their significant other to cuddle with me.
Disclaimer: I grew up in a small town. Since being in Portland my views on lots of things have changed. If I'm being naive in this, I welcome constructive feedback as I'm looking to grow.
If you are uncomfortable with cuddling someone who is not being honest to SO re their time spend with you in an intimately affectionate situation then dont do it. Even if it is just a platonic situation, you shouldnt be expected to do one single thing in life that you are not completely comfortable with when it comes to your personal space, body, time, energy, etc. I can tell you all day long what i would do, as can others on this site, however i am not you...
@pmvines best answer
If I were you, the difference for me would be in knowing ahead of time that I was helping the client deceive their spouse or significant other. I think that's the part that would bother me the most. I abhor liars, so to willingly and knowingly participate in that lie would make me too uncomfortable to go through with it. This is the majority of the reason that I don't cuddle with married people myself, because I'd never know for sure whether they had their spouse's informed consent and support, and I know that would really bother me.
With that said, I give the potential client bonus points for being honest with you. He didn't have to be. He could have easily not admitted his married status or, alternatively, indicated that he already had the informed consent and support of his SO, and you would have never known. But his honesty with you doesn't override the dishonesty with his SO, so I still wouldn't do it.
I agree that it's ok to take the booking. You can calm his guilt by explaining this is a therapeutic service and it's ok to have questions when trying a new therapy. You can also ease your relationship and trust with him by telling him you are welcome to a group session where he may invite her to try it, kinda like a couples massage. Or let him know of your confidentiality agreement if there is one. He needs to know this is his choice and you are here to provide the therapy if needed and you do not get involved with your clients personal life because you're a professional. I would re assure him that he is welcome to continue using your service with you and that you will not be responsible for his marriage. And you understand if he doesn't wish to continue service because of his wife then of course you support that too.
I'm married and cannot tell my wife . But I totally understand and respect if someone wouldn't want a session with me because of that. Im sorry that @biblioromantic abhors me , I really in my mind dont think I am doing anything so wrong. Sometimes to take care of everyone else you have to take care of yourself too. I have met some really nice people here and that feels good
You don't have to disclose your therapy session for your emotional needs to your partner, why this? I think people overlook the autonomy we should have as an individual and as a partner. The shame that comes from seeking someone besides our significant other is really juvenile to me -- especially if it's of platonic nature and following the compass of your needs as a couple and individual.
Sorry, I'll say the unpopular opinion of Western culture. But I don't believe one person is meant to cover everything we need as an individual. I won't support lack of friendship, theraputic needs, or personal self being deemed less for choosing to have the right to feel comfortable and complete in our skins and self to someone else's vapid need to know it's only them that counts for that in someones life. In fact, that's the polar experience I seek or would want in this life or the next. I encourage honesty. But be honest for yourself first, so you can have the courage to be honest to anyone else in your life.
Does this work differently with a new girlfriend? A long term girlfriend or a live-in gf?
Some nicely crafted responses already posted re married men hiding cuddling activity.
@Here4youAlways I notice you are a pro. Perhaps you should state that in your post (that you will not cuddle with those who are married if the partner does not know). @Esquire I was about the ask the same thing (or similar to it).
@MissAdventurous (You don't have to disclose your therapy session for your emotional needs to your partner, why this?)
I gather @Here4youAlways client is in a married monogamous relationship that he entered into freely. In that case do you not feel the need discuss that with your wife first before venturing out? Or give her the opportunity to fill that need before sneaking out for cuddles?
@MissAdventurous I really enjoy the perspectives that you've given on other forum topics and just want more of your opinion on this. Again, I am basing my question on a married monogamous relationship that the client appears to be in.
And I found this out the hard way: Women are the smartest creatures in the Universe. It won't take her long to figure that something weird is going on. Easy to track his whereabouts with hidden GPS devices or even his phone. And now he's potentially putting an innocent cuddler in harm's way.
Is this a potential client of yours or just someone that you were talking to? If he’s a client, I question why he even told you that. It seems odd that he would bring it up.
Funny thing is that it clearly says on my profile that I’m married but I’ve had several pros come over and do a double take when they see things that obviously belong to a female. I’m like um did you read my profile? lol
I don’t think it’s personally fair to you due to it possibly later involving you in a conflict situation you don’t deserve to be a part of. I really encourage couples to have conversations about this kind of thing honestly. Professionals are there to work, and don’t need any stress on top of that.
@Here4youAlways I think he's at least done his part of being honest about his situation. I give him props for making you a willing participant in the interaction by laying out his cards. If you genuinely are not behind continuing with cuddling under the circumstances, then there is no harm in saying no. I'm sure he'll understand, and if he doesn't then he can just f*** off in my opinion. Stand by what you feel is right. If you're cool with the situation then fantastic also! Again, do what you feel is right.
If cuddling is to be looked at as platonic therapy, would it be any different if a spouse went to counseling for a particular need and kept the matter private?
@Jay222 I couldn't agree more @MissAdventurous couldn't have said it better myself
Trust me, I absolutely, 100% understand that as a professional cuddler we all need to be aware of and stick to our boundaries and vocalize them when necessary. I also personally feel there is a level of letting go of our own egos when it comes to this line of work. It's not about us and our insecurities, judgments, preconceived notions, or anything else that may hinder or taint what the client needs from us during that session. Come as a blank canvas, as a carrier for healing. And if it's an issue that can not be let go of, that's fine, it just needs to be fully communicated to the (potential) client. From my past experiences working at a therapy clinic, let me tell you, I have seen and heard things that would make you lose your faith in humanity. But it's not my place to judge, it's my place to heal. At the end of the day, we are people helping other people in some way, shape, or form. We are all the same, regardless of what we look like, where we're from, what our interests are, or what a piece of paper says
@Jay222 even though its platonic, it is still close physical contact and emotionally connecting with someone. I am all for cuddling and i support all types of relationships that are open and supportive. So for me, if there is a perceived need to keep something from your partner due to their knowledge creating hurt and mistrust, then it is not a good thing. Deception is still deception when consent is not involved.
You cannot simultaneously believe that cuddling is platonic and also believe that it is a form of cheating. Those two beliefs contradict each other. Pick one or the other.
Of course his wife may disagree that cuddling is platonic. If so she disagrees with the fundamental premise of cuddlecomfort and everyone here must think she is wrong.
If the intent is truly platonic cuddling then I don’t think it’s a huge issue, but if course everyone needs to adhere to their own personal moral compass.
Keep in mind some married men are just trying to keep it together. My ex-wife had a fear of intimacy and didn’t want to be physically close (even cuddling) such that the last 2+ years prior to our divorcing there was virtually no touch and zero intimacy. When the divorce happened I was hollow from years of trying and putting in effort and energy and not getting any back in my direction. Didn’t know what to do so I tried a professional cuddler, which when I read about it 3-4 years prior I had in passing thought dismissed as ridiculous.
One session and I figured out what was missing from my life. While it sucked to go that long without sex, what was really missing was just basic human touch and connection to another person. A few more cuddle sessions and suddenly I didn’t feel like and empty shell anymore and I was able to cope with all the change from the divorce. It literally changed my life.
I say this because I wish I had found cuddling sooner, I doubt it would have saved my marriage by making me a bit happier and more whole throughout that time, but my anxiety would have been far less and I would’ve been happier which would at least have been better for my kids being around me.
During the course of our marriage her reaction to me wanting to pay to cuddle with someone would have varied from one day to the next. Most days it would’ve been “sure go for it if you need it since I’m not up for it,” but at her more insecure it would’ve been “I don’t see why you should need to do that you should have everything you need to make you happy right here in this house with me and the kids.”
I don’t think the answer is black and white and I think if a married person is truly seeking only platonic cuddles then they probably deserve the benefit of the doubt.
This question was raised before some months ago, in a slightly different manner.
Since it is unlikely that any offended married cuddler’s wife will comment here, I will give my understanding of her point of view:
The concept of platonic cuddling is a fallacy, whether married or single, and whether one’s mate has “granted permission” or not. (Is adultery acceptable if she grants permission for it? The answer is no, and the reason for that is that she is not the ultimate authority on the matter). Yes, it is worse for those who are married, but it is still wrong for everyone.
As a married man who has hired professional cuddlers, here is my experience with this:
I have told all of the pros with the exception of one that I am married. The one that I did not tell never asked me, and so I understood from that that she probably did not want to know so as to not have to openly deal with the question.
Ideally, and especially in a happy and love-filled marriage, a married man/woman would not look outside of his/her marriage for even “platonic” cuddling/affection. Therefore, in a pure sense, I offer no excuse for the behavior.
But from another point of view, this relatively new concept and service (platonic cuddling) exists because the whole of human relationships do a predictably imperfect job of fulfilling the emotional needs of us individuals, whether married or not. Historically, we would, of course, just suffer through this for our whole lives until we die. Or: we would start with a divorce, THEN try to fill our emotional needs with someone new, Or: we would have an affair first, which would eventually result in the divorce, with the goal of trying to fill our emotional needs.
With my own recent discovery of cuddling, I was attempting to fill my own emotional needs, but with the intention of avoiding the arguably worse activities related to affairs and paid non-platonic services.
Regarding pros who don’t want to cuddle with a client who is married or is married but has not told his wife I will say this: if it bothers your conscience, that should be the answer for you on what decision to make.
But I have to really wonder about the question, because out of all of the pro profiles that I have seen, and all the pros that I have hired, ONLY ONE said that she did not want to see married clients without a “permission slip”.
Thank you to the majority of pros who are too busy cuddling to get involved with the idea that a married man’s money is a different color and thus of no value to be acceptable payment for cuddling services.
I would start a new thread on married (or those in any type of relationship) professional cuddlers, but I will simply make the suggestion to anyone who might think it controversial enough to merit questioning to do so if he or she wishes.
Like i said, if it is deceptive and potentially hurtful to the person, it cant be all that good. If you have to lie about it, you cant honestly walk into something with a clear conscience. This is not an indictment on married folks seeking out other folks, as there are plenty who do that with consent of their SO. But if you are being sneaky about it, dont try to fool yourself into thinking there is nothing wrong with it, and dont try to pin your deception on your partner, as though it is their fault that your needs arent being met and now you are having to go behind their backs to be touchy and huggy with somebody. You can bill it as therapy all you want, and i dont discount that to many it is therapeutic, nor do i trivialize the benefit rendered, however a lie is a lie and intent nor context changes that fact.
I think it should not mattter to any one
@pmvines I agree with your comments. Deception is wrong. The perspective that I was adding was that having consent does not change the idea that it is still wrong, whereas your comments seem to suggest that consent would make it acceptable, at least from one point of view.
Additionally, since platonic cuddling is supposed to a therapy, why is it treated as though it were some kind of immoral service?
Personally, I would lose all respect for my wife if she were to consent to it.
And I would quit cuddling before I asked for her permission to do it (which would never be granted).
From my point of view, this thread emphasizes the idea that the concept of platonic cuddling is inherently flawed at its roots.
And the idea that platonic cuddling is just for those not in a relationship or for those who are in a relationship but have consent is also flawed. Although it is understandable that those who are those situations view their situation as acceptable, because, of course, it applies to them.
I’m not sure if i ever find myself in a relationship again i would share that i ever platonically cuddled. I don’t think most people are open to it and I’d be concerned with being judged. I also feel the same about counseling. I may not share me getting counseling with my wife but cuddling would probably sound like betrayal should she ever find out.