Establishing Trust

[Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)
in General

Obviously there are nineteen-thousand reasons to not trust a complete stranger that reaches out to you via a message, especially when we all know the purpose of that introduction is ultimately to share an intimate, and platonic, experience.

My experiences and perceptions, being male, are clearly of little practical value, so I’m asking everyone here, “amateurs” and professionals alike:

What are things in that initial message that give you a positive reaction, and what are definite red flags?

I appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks.

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Comments

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited April 2019

    Here's a related thread: Red flags and green flags. Not wanting to hinder any new discussion though!

    I agree cuddling always involves taking a chance. I feel honoured (and loved) when someone decides to trust me.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    Thank you, I appreciate it.

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    Out of curiosity, and being new, has there already been a “Critique My Profile” topic, or would that be frowned upon?

  • respectfulrespectful
    edited April 2019

    @CharlesTwisted Sometimes people have asked about their profiles, and have had a useful response. I can't see any issues with yours by the way; I detect a sense of humour, being here for the right reasons (platonic cuddles!), some interesting facts about you and general friendliness.

    A quick look turned up this thread and this one with some thoughts about profiles and initial messages. (And this is about profiles in general).

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    @respectful

    Thank you so much for the patience, knowledge, and kindness.

    Very appreciated.

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)
    edited April 2019

    Female enthusiast chiming in here. I actually scrolled through a number of past messages from men and can tell you what kinds of initial messages I found piqued my interest (in a good way).

    1. They approach me as if I am a human being (I have said this before on here) - My advice to men who are messaging a woman with the hopes of potentially meeting up for a cuddle is to "approach women as human beings in female form". Now, I know... I know.. that sounds incredibly snarky and sarcastic. But what I mean is this: approach us with some level of interest in knowing something about who we are, what kinds of films and books we like; what hobbies we have, how long we have lived in our town/city, or what our experience has been like on here so far. What we do for a living, etc. The same way if you were to meet any new person at work, or at a neighborhood potluck, or any social gathering. You get the idea. That goes a long way in my book.

    2. Reference something in our profiles as a good "jumping off point". I intentionally mention a few things about myself in my profile that could make for some sort of conversation starter. I can probably count on one hand the number of men who have made mention of any of that. Out of the approximately 200 messages (give or take) I received in the 16 months I have been on here.

    3. Don't ask for my "availability" in your first message or as the ONE and ONLY thing you say to me. I do understand that not everyone on here (particularly newbies) are yet sure of the difference between pro and enthusiast cuddlers. I have come to believe that a lot of men on here think that all women on here are pro (paid) cuddlers. I find that extremely off putting. Oh and please do not message me two or three times in a 24 hour period if I don't respond quickly enough for you. I work for a living and am tired when I get home some days - probably just like you! Enthusiast here... remember?

    4. Understand and in some way acknowledge that, just as you are here for a reason, so too are enthusiast women. Yes, we also seek warmth and comfort and enjoyable conversation and acceptance, stress relief, etc. You get the idea. Not all women are on here to solely serve men's cuddling needs. See it as a mutually beneficial exchange and expect that you will have to bring something to the table - in helping a woman feel respected and safe and like you would be a fun and enjoyable person to spend time with.

    5. I respond well to messages where men make it clear that they reached out to me to see if we could begin a conversation, and see if we had a good connection to eventually meet up for a cuddle. So, be patient and understand that it is all about relationship building. Yes, you may need to "put up" with some small talk and it may not "lead" to something - but it just might. It just might.

    OK. My 2 or possibly 5 cents!

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    @SJSpooner

    Thank you, very much.

  • CuddleSquidCuddleSquid

    Red flags to me are the people who ask to cuddle immediately, and when they make little to no effort to make it obvious that they actually read my profile and aren't just going off photos and/or location. The people who put no effort or emphasis on the BUDDY part of cuddle buddies are full of red flags. Even more so when you tell them these things, and they still repeatedly make the same mistakes and expect me to do all the work and don't seem to care about who I am at all or care to even attempt to make me feel remotely comfortable or safe trying to meet.

    Messages that give me a positive reaction are ones that actually engage in real conversation and make a true attempt to get to know me and each other before even considering asking to meet and cuddle -- when they show me clearly that they have actually read my profile, when they are fully engaged in conversation and happy to talk in length about boundaries, preferences, and building trust...be patient and reassuring! Then, follow through, hopefully!!

  • [Deleted User]BigHugsCA (deleted user)

    @SJSpooner I've done all of the above, but get a cold shoulder. I'm thinking I am done. Been here too long to feel this rejected. (FYI - I used to have a pic posted, but with no reciprocity, I took it down). That said, I believe what you have posted is wise counsel.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @SJSpooner Your post is all of the perfect and is worth WAY more than pennies. I don't know if I've seen anybody articulate approach on here as well as you just did. My hat is off to you, ma'am.

  • CuddleSquidCuddleSquid

    @SJSpooner - yessssss! Fully agree with everything you said! So important!

  • [Deleted User]SJSpooner (deleted user)

    @Catloaf and @CuddleSquid and @CharlesTwisted - Thanks for your comments. I"m glad you found my contribution helpful. While there is no foolproof formula for establishing a connection with an enthusiast cuddler - I do think some people would benefit from reflecting on how they are approaching us, and what - if anything - can be tweaked in their communication.

    @BigHugsCA - It truly is too bad that you haven't had any luck. I'm sure that must be frustrating. I have no idea how many female cuddlers there are in your area, but you could always take a break and check back in a few months to see if anyone new has come along. Dunno. Maybe you have already tried that, and I do understand that there is only so much rejection one can withstand. You deserve some cuddles. We all do.

  • [Deleted User]BigHugsCA (deleted user)

    @SJSpooner Thank you for the encouraging words.

  • TouchIsTLCTouchIsTLC

    @BigHugsCA I just checked your profile and noticed we're effectively neighbors (I'm in a suburb of Sacramento for those outside of our area). I see you've been on here for around 18 months, not sure how active you've been on here, but I can tell you there are a lot of local enthusiast and pros that are very kind, warmhearted and enjoy cuddling. I've had friendly contact back and forth with some of the female posters on this thread alone. It does take effort and time - I've probably sent out 200+ hello messages, using a lot of the skills that @SJSpooner listed above and I'd say the ROI is maybe 20-25% and over half of those don't solicit a second response. But I have met 5 or 6 local(ish) enthusiasts and visited with two different pros to see both sides of the fence. Most of them I've seen more than once, some 4+ times that should tell you that there is a lot of opportunity if you're willing to put in the time and work and be patient.

    Best of luck to you, I hope you stick with it and if possible try reaching out to some of the local pros, it could turn your thinking around completely.

  • [Deleted User]BigHugsCA (deleted user)

    @TouchIsTLC Thanks for the encouragement to push on and reach out. I have had one cuddle with a pro. She was great!

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    It leads me to wonder if having “Positive Karma” from 2-5 Pros on your profile makes it more, or less, likely that an amateur Cuddler will be interested in contacting you?

  • respectfulrespectful

    @CharlesTwisted Getting Karma so people would feel safe with me was my original plan, then I found out how awesome some professionals are and kept going. :)

    I think Karma helps establish trust with most enthusiasts, but I suspect there are some who might feel a little intimidated? Or maybe that you are used to cuddling professionals, so you might expect them to be like a pro and do all the giving? (Which isn't an accurate picture at all though).

    I also suspect some (not many) professionals prefer someone new to cuddling so that they aren't being compared to other professionals.

    In most cases though, it's been very helpful for me in establishing trust with new professionals.

  • EsquireEsquire

    I don't disagree with anything said about approaching an enthusiast. The problem I run into is we are often given little to work with in terms of their profile, plus all too many inactive accounts.

  • laylanielaylanie

    I get a bit more concern with the one like messages. "Hi" and nothing else... Like... Okay? Are you expecting me to carry the conversation? You might as well just said "potatoes" though really, I would respond better to potatoes than hi since its unusual.
    Also the right out the gate "when do you want to cuddle" that @CuddleSquid brought up is so f***ing annoying.
    Number 1 that I hate is "hey beautiful" or "Hi hunny". In general the "Hi _generic affectionatepetname_" messages. Even when I was dating, I hated the hell out of that opening. I don't know you. You don't get to give me a pet name like that. I am guilty of passing our pet names, sure but I wait til I've built that trust to know that I can call them that name.

    @CharlesTwisted I think your profile is nice and from what I've seen in your posts on the forums, I think you are a kind person. If we weren't clear opposite sides of the U.S. I would have messages you and I think thats something that's a down side in general of having a forum. You find some awesome people that you'd really like to meet, but surprise! At least 4 states away or possibly an ocean away!

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    @laylanie

    Thank you!

    And, thank you!

    I agree, there have been a number of thoughtful, kind people here on the forums (you among them) that I looked up, and saw “2100 miles” as the distance and thought some internal version of “Drat!”

  • CuddleSquidCuddleSquid

    @laylanie - Exactly, random words would almost be better than just a simple greeting with nothing else. Oy vey. I continue to get "would like to meet and cuddle soon" short and immediate messages, and it's so fucking frustrating. Why is it so hard for them to even put in the tiniest bit more effort? Do they really not understand or just don't care? Have they never made a friend before in their life?!?!?! Or just suck at doing it online?!?!!?

    Addressing you immediately with a term of endearment is a red flag and off-putting for most women, for sure, and how do they not know that by now? Points to them not caring about our comfort and feelings or being...actively oblivious/ignorant? Now, if it's coming from a woman, I automatically feel safer and don't question intentions so much, and as long as it isn't "baby," I probably won't mind in those cases. But generally, ask first. Establish a relationship first, then ask if it's okay/welcome to address people with such terms. I love nicknames and unique terms of endearment, but I'm thoughtful about who I'm using them on. It's easy to ask!

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    @CuddleSquid

    Thank you.

  • BabichevBabichev

    @CharlesTwisted , I started this on how men might get more cuddle partners some time ago. Perhaps you'll find something useful.

    https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/5173/suggestions-on-how-men-might-get-more-cuddle-partners#latest

  • [Deleted User]CharlesTwisted (deleted user)

    @Babichev

    Thank you!

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    Hi

  • RyanLadRyanLad

    For everyone it will come naturally for them, you will know it when it comes but I would say, if you two are smiling while talking, if they take their time to talk to you and not rush it. All of those things. When I notice I finally started trusting someone I start to make the first text to them and actually enjoy talking / listening to them.

  • [Deleted User]FitCuddles (deleted user)
    edited May 2019

    @CuddleSquid I recently reached out to a pro cuddler and they made the assumption I didn't read their profile and they did not read mine so I was sort of forced to copy and paste my profile info into the chat with them and they provided information I already had from reading their profile.

    It wasn't all that great to have someone assume I didn't read their profile, and they made no effort to read mine having never opened it at all. I saw in another thread Morpheus listed "Pros who reply but dont visit my profile" as a red flag. So now I feel uncomfortable for sure.

    Anyway so now I'm kind of thinking about that and debating about what to do. Any thoughts or feedback CuddleSquid?

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    You said a lot there, but I’m not sure i understand your question. Are you struggling with the fact the pro probably didn’t read your profile prior to responding to you? Because the exchange you shared didn’t really give us much information. I’m guessing she didn’t take the amount of time you did in the response, i would say that’s no big deal initially. Some people don’t put as much thought in there messages.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited May 2019

    @FitCuddles Ok, this is not really a problem unless you are looking for one. Despite all the pontificating and expert advice that is doled out on the forums one fundamental fact remains—there is no single right answer because everyone is different. As a newbie you should seek out someone experienced with plenty of karma to dip your toe in the cuddle waters. With that being said, they may read your profile or they may not, they may have a robo response to your inquiry or a simple hi, or they may not reply at all. There are millions of possible reactions. I never know what to expect, and in many ways, that is what I enjoy.

    When I was a newbie, I just jumped in and never analyzed it. I just admitted as you have, that I am inexperienced. By doing so, I learned a lot more than I ever have on the forums. And I never even read the forums until months after I started and I am glad I did not because there is something to be gained by going in with a tabula rasa and writing your own cuddle story.

    So I would not sweat that she ignored your profile as some of these ladies receive tons of requests daily. Instead, you should feel blessed that she chose yours to respond to because they do not respond to everyone. Whether you see her or not is entirely your decision.

  • [Deleted User]FitCuddles (deleted user)
    edited May 2019

    @BashfulLoner I updated my post to make it shorter and I suppose more easily understandable. Fair enough thank you. That exchange between me and this pro was really off putting to me as a result if the case was not putting a lot of thought into a response.

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