To any racists out there:

LovelightLovelight
edited May 2019 in General

Treat people individually, and get to know who they actually are.

Challenge your negative thoughts towards people that’s solely based on the colour of their skin or, their race. The color of our skin does not make us good or bad. Though, being racist makes us terrible beings and disconnects us from much of the world: while also hurting others in all kinds of ways. Imagine if someone hated/discriminated against you just for being whatever color or, race you are. That wouldn’t be right, either. So, don’t be a hypocrite by doing to others.

Give people a chance. If someone from race so and so fails/wrongs you/anyone: they don't speak for EVERYONE from that race. Or with that skin color. They are an individual with much to improve, who may be a terrible person depending on what they do wrong. Keep trying and treat people as the individuals they are.

This was inspired by @hopelesscuddler's post* a member that left due to racism he encountered here. Let's strive for more love, and unity! This is a place of love, and support: racism does not foster loving, supportive environment for those who are not that color/race. Therefore, racism, and the like is NOT accepted. Be kind, and respectful of others NO matter their race, or color, etc.

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Comments

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    That’s well said @Lovelight, while i haven’t met any overt racism myself, i feel. It from time to time in between the lines. But hey i live in America so that’s seems to be the way. Hopefully @hopelesscuddler finds their way back and ignores the losers that gave the bad feeling.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I just seen the post that printed this and I’m wondering if the messenger was banned because of the stupid message or was there something else? Did they just sign up to start a problem or did they think it was ok? Or was there other nefarious activity. In my experience bad people have all sorts of bad habits.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    And just because I’m in a silly mood, I’d say “I’m not into to Black Men either!” Or any men for that matter.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    This is a great message to put out in light of the events and it's unfortunate that he felt hurt enough to leave the site claiming his experience is basically ruined.

    My opinion may be unpopular in this regard, but as an enthusiast one is allowed to have preferences that go down to any trait... and it isn't necessarily for discriminatory reasons - there is too much room for nuance as to what we want/don't want etc. to simply make it a black-and-white issue. I don't believe an encounter like that necessarily denotes a powerful hatred as far as racism.. but it does make me wonder what kind of idiotic neurons spin around in a person's head to come out of nowhere to a stranger and say "I'm not into black men" as if they were asked what they're into at all. Either a troll who is here to throw around feces or somebody who is very nasty and not right in the mind. The phrasing of that is something I've more often seen in dating profiles than on a site like this...maybe they're seeking something that isn't platonic aside from that horrible statement but I'm willing to bet that message is what got them banned.

    Another angle is that some people might also just not be experienced dealing with POC in a close physical space because they haven't been exposed, so they opt for "not being into it" out of lack of that experience. This is neither right nor wrong, it's just ignorance (in the form of lack of experience) that hasn't been checked yet. However, I'm aware that still doesn't explain why this person needed to come out and message someone they don't know with information that person didn't ask for. Most of us I think are open-minded enough to give others a chance regardless of what we prefer...and if some of us aren't, then I pray we grow towards opening our minds in that direction.

    The person who sent the message though? Eh, I don't have much initial hope for those who show their rears to perfect strangers.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Catloaf I find it interesting that white people fall back on they have not been exposed to people of color. That is a very weak explanation. It is like willful ignorance. Should African-Americans never forgive whites for the past because they have never been exposed to open-minded accepting whites? People are people and if this Cuddle community is all it says it is then color should not enter the equation. Personal safety concerns should, but not color.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited May 2019

    @FunCartel That you should mention the opposite situation is funny because I've come across exactly that many a time especially via online discussion. I won't patronise POC who haven't been exposed to non-POC in a positive way. I won't patronise non-POC for the opposite either. Their limited experience has led them to subscribe to a negative view, but that whole ball game isn't really my point and the only people who ultimately will change that viewpoint are those people themselves. My point is that our lack of being exposed whether negative or positive doesn't necessarily mean that someone is acting out of being a racist. For instance somebody who has never cuddled a POC might be hesitant to do so because they've never been physically close or in a relationship with a POC...remember for some our desired cuddle partner can sometimes mimic those we've been in a relationship with. Would this, too, make a person racist?

    I'm not here to debate or defend the blatantly ignorant messenger who caused this man to leave. Simply here to offer a statement on why it's rather close-minded in my view to assume that someone is racist if they have a preference. I don't know what that person was thinking, nor can I assume they are racist based on a one-line statement...all I can attest to is that they are certainly questionable for coming out of the blue like that.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    @FunCartel i appreciate that statement. @Catloaf while i agree everyone has preferences, that’s the end of it. Any negative beliefs or experiences should be kept to yourself. There is a reason why the government created protected classes of people. It’s because without correction blatant behaviors like the one displayed in the subject of this thread exists. Bad behavior begets bad behavior, so i believe to defend that type of behavior for any reason makes one guilty. Imo.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @BashfulLoner facepalm too bad you can't escape you. ?

    @Catloaf unless someone is simply not into the color (itself) of the person. There's no reasonable reason other than: hate, racism, fueled by stereotypes, etc., to rule out people based on their color or, race. I think much of these "preferences" are rooted in racism, and the like: so, it's important those of us that have it re-examine, and strive to challenge our mindsets accordingly.

    Most of it I hear is said: "I just don't find race so/Black/etc. _______ attractive." Now "attractive" that's a loaded word that could mean anything. Even the structure of the person's face, body type, etc., Even though, certain races generally posses certain similarities in terms of looks: people can have all kinds of structures, features, no matter their racial group, or their racial mix. I am sure they are not attracted to all "White/etc" people, either. Do they go around saying "I am not into White/ people"? I highly doubt. Nor would that be right, either. Say, even if someone was not into people* with darker shade: they need not broadcast. The same way, people not into someone's facial structure, body type, etc., need not say "I am not into unattractive people." By broadcasting the exclusion of someone based on their race, looks, etc., one is saying that's undesirable. Which* leads many to have* even more hurt, and lower self-esteem especially, when it's on-going. So, I don't condon this behavior knowing how unnecessary, and hurtful it is. Also, not all racism is overt, many are surgar coated.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @Catloaf

    "Another angle is that some people might also just not be experienced dealing with POC in a close physical space because they haven't been exposed, so they opt for "not being into it" out of lack of that experience."

    There's no experience required for interacting with another being just because they are of a certain color, or race. Like I said, there are many and various racism, steryotypes, etc., that's sugar coated. If they have "no such experience" surely they are doing that to themselves by not interacting with others just because of their colour/race. So, they need to re-examine and challenge their mindset.

  • CatloafCatloaf
    edited May 2019

    @Lovelight

    There's no experience required for interacting with another being just because they are of a certain color, or race.

    Now, that depends on the state of mind of the person who will be interacting with said person of another race, and in our case of cuddling, in close physical proximity. Of course mindsets need to be challenged... because the reality is that no one should go through life believing that someone else is alien from them. I won't argue that. But the fact is, especially for people who grew up for instance in predominantly white areas, exposure may have been little. Their perspective is different. No one in particular is to fault for that, even the person themselves, unless they truly do harbor hatred. Hatred and ignorance are not one and the same... They may be hesitant not because they believe they will be robbed, or because they find x race unattractive, or some other prejudicial measure. It may simply be because they are unfamiliar. It is as simple as that. We are often afraid of what we don't know, and the first step to becoming unafraid is to challenge that fear; I agree.

    That was my point in bringing up this example scenario, which really has nothing to do with attraction, but an inherent lack of experience...

    For instance somebody who has never cuddled a POC might be hesitant to do so because they've never been physically close or in a relationship with a POC...remember for some our desired cuddle partner can sometimes mimic those we've been in a relationship with. Would this, too, make a person racist?

    Either way, I was not defending that messenger as I've made clear before. Whether or not they are a racist, or deemed a racist inthusfar... I can conclude that they are an insensitive individual for sharing a thought to a stranger that he didn't ask for. I offered something else related to think about.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @Catloaf

    It's just a color. Just a race. Nothing more. Nothing less.

    I only so far, ever met in person one German man, a few Indian/Asian, Turkish, etc. people. That didn't stop me from seeing them as the human, and cool people many of them were. Nor should it stop anyone from treating humans the same no matter their race, or color. People that talk like that: they are not people from another planet that just landed. They must've had experience especially, in their teens-20s they must've had exposure to people of various colors/races from the media to the ocassionally run ins. If they themselves are saying they will not interact with another just because of their race/color: then, that's their fault, and doings. They are stopping them.

    So, I am pretty sure it is a lot more than just "I never cuddled with someone of so and so color" and more about "I don't want to because of so and so stereotype/hatred/etc."

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @BashfulLoner I agree, bad people have all kinds of bad habits. I hope the OP also finds his way back here to know that many support him no matter his race, and most of all, I hope he has a decent life. ?

  • KempistKempist
    edited May 2019

    This sounds like guilt tripping. It's a free country and people can cuddle or date or have sex or marry or have kids with whomever they choose. What's the next step after calling people racist because they won't cuddle with a particular race? Is it they are racist because they won't have sex with that race? Or because because they won't have children with that race? It's complete guilt tripping. Nobody owes anyone anything. If someone doesn't want to cuddle with someone else for any reason it's their choice. Get over it and go and find someone else to cuddle with.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @snugle calling out people going around to tell people* they wouldn't cuddle/interact with them* because of their race/color is not "guilt-tripping". It is examining the reasons people do/say such things, and calling out how unnecessary, and hurtful their behavior is. As well as calling out much of the racists reasons for these behaviors be they sugar-coated or, overt.

  • KempistKempist

    If they don't want to cuddle they should just not respond. But some people do specify why they don't for whatever reason. I've had people respond to me and tell me why based on my attributes they wouldn't cuddle. I don't let it bother me or would never start a thread about it. I figured I could always find someone else who was willing to cuddle with me.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @snugbuddy To provide some context, this particular thread was a response to this one, in which a man received a message from a woman whom he had never interacted with. She out of nowhere said she wasn't "into black guys". This caused him to leave the site. When you are new to a community and you encounter this type of stuff, it is a serious dampener, and that man felt discriminated against. It's no one's place to decide how discriminated against someone else feels, but at the same time I do agree that no one else has a right to stamp someone as a racist, unless it is being made blatant by the use of slurs, imagery, jokes, etc. etc. No one can know what was going through that woman's head, except that she was being an asshat by giving an opinion/preference etc. no one asked for vocalisation of. While I agree about your stance regarding "guilt tripping" being unecessary when we talk about preferences, that isn't exactly the entire point of the thread.

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel
    edited May 2019

    @Catloaf I think it is not close-minded to call someone racist if they dress up that racism under the guise of “preference”. The fact that someone responds and says their preference is not black men IS racist. I have never been told by a pro that they are not into white men. Usually they do not respond and move on. It is close-minded not to see coded racist language. If certain colors are not your cup of tea, just do not reply at all. Otherwise, you are singling someone out by the color of their skin, which is overtly racist.

    Finally, there are pros that accept everyone. Period. Preference should not enter into it unless you feel unsafe. If you do have a preference keep it to yourself. If I had cancer I would not want an oncologist preferring not to treat me. I prefer pros that do not hide behind preferences and then tell me they accept everyone regardless of race, creed or appearance. That is not a true pro that cares, that is a bigot trying to make a buck.

  • CatloafCatloaf

    @FunCartel I am not condoning the act of someone responding with why they are not going to cuddle with someone of a particular race. The fact that someone responds with that fact doesn't even denote racism. It denotes that they don't understand basic social etiquette and they are likely a very nasty individual. I agree that regardless of where you stand, it should be kept to oneself, as should have been the case in that other thread and then we may not have lost a member for about the most ridiculous reason I can think of: because somebody chose to open their mouth where it wasn't asked for nor warranted.

    Finally, there are pros that accept everyone. Period. Preference should not enter into it if unless you feel unsafe. If you do have a preference keep it to yourself. If I had cancer I would not want an oncologist preferring not to treat me. I prefer pros that do not hide behind preferences and then tell me I accept everyone regardless of race, creed or appearance. That is not a true pro that cares, that is a bigot trying to make a buck.

    What does the above have to do with anything that is going on in this thread? This isn't about some pros and their preferences, it's about how racism ties into cuddling preferences, and the experience of the person who left the site. I don't know if you're trying to insinuate by bringing up the topic of pros that I must have this preference because of my stance on the issue, but if you are, then how close-minded of you to assume that I must not cuddle someone just because of their race... just because of where I stand on an issue. As a professional, I can't discriminate or take preferences other than safety into account. I wouldn't anyway because even growing up in a Conservative Albertan town where racism is still very alive and well, I had the exposure my peers did not and I'm not uncomfortable around POC. My family and I were part of the few who were not disgusted when Sudanese and African refugees began moving into our town in the mid-90s to early 2000s to make their homes beside ours.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @Catloaf I appreciate you linking the post. I don't really know how to do it, yet.

    "I do agree that no one else has a right to stamp someone as a racist, unless it is being made blatant by the use of slurs, imagery, jokes, etc. etc."

    The thing is, not every person who holds* horrible views such as racism, and thus, treats people as less of a human just because of their race/colour: are* overt about it. Even when they are overt we have others making excuses for them or, arguing the fact. Which leaves victims with more against them, giving more power to people with despicable behaviours/views such as: racism. To me, like others said, the racism doesn’t get more clear than: “I reject every person with your color/race for cuddles/etc., AND I’ll have you know it.”

    Like @FunCartel also said, many racism is disguised as “preference.” So, it is important we really think through these things, and strive to challenge ours, and one another’s mindsets. Bottomline, even if we forever hold our exact position: at least we know that this person’s behaviour was out of line, unacceptable.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @Catloaf I don’t think you are racist, or anything like that just because you seem to support people’s right to their "preferences". I just hope you get to see our side of it as well. This person sought out a Black person, to let them know. Not every racism is overt* for example, as in "Insert race are ________ something horrible." Many people walk around with such mindset/views though, dress it up as "preference" so, they keep at bay from people of that race/color many times because they think so and so race are a negative influence, will hurt them, etc. just because of their race/color. So, by taking a step back to re-examine these so called preferences, we begin to understand the racism they cover up. We begin to challenge that, and hopefully have more unity. This is not just about someone just not being attracted to people of a list of shade that's darker. No other reason I can think of other than that: Much of so called "racial preference" IS rooted in racism, stereotypes, etc.

  • [Deleted User]hopelesscuddler (deleted user)

    The woman who sent me the message was from London, England which is a very diverse place, so I'm sure she is experienced in dealing with people of colour. I don't think its racist have a preference, and I do not have a problem with that at all. What irked me was getting a message from a complete stranger telling me she is "not into black guys" when I have never interacted with her. To be honest with you, my experience with cuddlers in the UK has been negative. People across the pond are friendly. Maybe it's the rainy weather. :-)

  • [Deleted User]hopelesscuddler (deleted user)

  • [Deleted User]DarrenWalker (deleted user)

    @hopelesscuddler: Hahaha. Good one.

  • LovelightLovelight

    @hopelesscudler welcome back, it seemed your account was deleted. ?

  • TheFunCartelTheFunCartel

    @Catloaf I never said you were racist specifically, although I think you are somewhat naive about the many facets of racism. For example, anytime a white person lists their resume of times when they were exposed to POC I cringe and it makes for great fodder for black comedians when talking about white people. That is the whole problem with race—the fact that one recites the instances of racial exposure is looney tunes. It has the feel of biblical heroes visiting leper colonies—only these people possess no disease other than being a color different from you. Yet people say list I knew such and such person of this race, so I have alleviated my white guilt.

    I think you need to examine as a white person how often people single you out as a white person and count how many times it happens. Then, if you have a close black friend ask how many times a day they get it. You would soon start to figure out that you were born into white privilege and you really do not fully grasp the nature of racism like POC do. I know I don’t and I learn more about it everyday. When you are black, you are never just a woman, you are a black woman. You are never the girl down the block, you are the black girl down the block. So when someone puts “black” in front of men they are injecting a racial element into it that is racist because let’s be honest—white people just do not face the same thing day in and day out. I am not even getting into the looks, the body language and the general atmosphere when a black person enters a social setting. And I have witnessed these things and have witnessed the white people who are with said black person say they did not notice. They did not notice because it did not happen to them and have not lived through it constantly.

    So I am not calling you racist, I am calling on you to be more empathetic and conscious of race rather than trying to explain away racial elements or situations as social awkwardness or excuse it out of preference. I also think you need to pump the brakes on your habit of calling someone close-minded when they disagree with you. I could give you a million reasons why you are so off-base there, but I am not here to defend myself against that which I know I am not.

  • LovelightLovelight

    Thank you everyone for your thoughts, and willingness to try to see things from each other's point of view! I understand this is a complex, and sensitive topic: I think we are doing well handling it.

    @FunCartel for sure there are certain things certain groups virtually don't deal with, that for example minorities endure: some more often than others. We are not in a time of the Black, and White water fountains. Though, doesn't mean racists are gone. Many of them are just covert about their racism. While even those that are overt get excuses, or coverups made for them. This in turn is a disservice to the victims of any kind of injustice because it gives more power to perpetrators.

    At the end of the day: it's just a color, just a race. I can’t think of any reasonable, factually compelling reason other than racism to reject people on the basis of their color/race especially, with going out of one's way to broad-cast it. Virtually any, if not all, reason they reject a Black/ person for, can be said about whatever race they “prefer.” Which makes such statements: racist because they target certain races due to virtually all the time deep seated hatred/fear/etc. Which both need to be challenged, and called out for what it is: racism.

  • Alan2018Alan2018

    Am I racist because I prefer women who are not the same race as me? Technically I would have to say yes.I feel uncomfortable with the same.I can name many races I'd rather be with just not my own.

  • LovelightLovelight
    edited May 2019

    @Allan2018 then it's on you to figure out what makes you 'uncomfortable' about your own race, and challenge these reasons. Edit: So, you may overcome the discomfort. end of edit.

    Our color/race doesn't* represent how good we are to others, ourselves. Nor does it represent our ideas, personality, etc.

  • KempistKempist

    @FunCartel it's no different for whites when they are in the minority around blacks and other non whites. Everything you say applies. It's not a one way street. I can point out hundreds of examples in my life but there is no point in doing that. Whites barely make up 60 percent of the US population and within a a couple decades will be less than 50 percent. So it's time to update the obsolete thinking that whites are in the vast majority and never face racism or are the only ones who can be racist.

    You talk about black comedians using whites as fodder for jokes. Well at least they can. White comedians can't joke at all about blacks.

  • ReltvlyCanshesReltvlyCanshes

    I started reading all of these but i fear it’s a lot of defensive stuff that will make me judge people in a way i maybe shouldn’t. But @Catloaf i don’t buy the lack of exposure shtick simply because of people recognized the humanity in all people race wouldn’t matter. It’s true that people look different for a whole host of reasonsu, but the one thing people are so comfortable speaking about is the color of someone’s skin. I think it’s because people see an inferiority in people with a different “hue”. Don’t worry there is no acceptable response to this. @snugbuddy i don’t believe anyone is suggesting that everyone must do anything with everyone. I for one don’t agree with that either. But to vocalize that the reason is because of the race of a person is imo racist. I probably wouldn’t choose to cuddle with someone with three legs, that’s my choice but i damn sure wouldn’t message them and say “I’m not into three legged women”. To feel that’s an appropriate thing to say to a person in any fashion is inherently racist. It’s demonstrating a person feels justified in thinking less of another person. Despite any experiences in life.
    I prefer people with expected appendages, but i think I’d be in line to snuggle a 3 breasted woman, but 6 is going to far. Again i would not tell that lady that i just wouldn’t do it, unless asked. And if asked i may explain my reasoning. But it would be reflective of my own personal short comings not hers. There really is not appropriate response to this, unless you feel you need to defend your right to feel superior to another human being because of the “hue” of there skin. Or the location of their birth, or the origins of there family. No need to defend any of that to me feel how you feel, I’ll try not to think less of anyone because of the lack of thought they seem to have.

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