Consent discussions:

Comments

• Lovelight

  May 2019 edited May 2019

  My practice:

  My practice is, even if I meet my cuddle partner, and we exchange pleasantries/get a feel for each other non-physically first: I don’t make moves on them. Or even get so close with them, without asking for permission to do so. As well as following their comfort level that they are okay by asking from time to time. For those who have also done that for me, it has made me happy, and increased my respect for them: that they cared to ask for my consent.

  Disclaimers:

  This is in no way directed at just men, nor at all men. Anyone no matter their sex, can be guilty of it. I’ll speak about men who were guilty of it because that’s where my experience came from. Nor has my experience, outside communities like this been: a complete fail. Similarly, in communities like this, it hasn’t been spectacular, all the time, either. There’s good, and bad everywhere.

  There is something I find quite odd, and have experienced both here, and other places. That is, for a lack of better words: “asking for consent prematurely.” There is also, the issue of boundary pushing. (Edited for minor mistakes with quotations, etc.)

  Some men, would try to push boundaries by proposing things I didn’t say that, I want in my profile description. I expressed just looking for platonic cuddles/friendship. Although, I could say that, this may be in part due to the lack of awareness/recognition for platonic cuddles outside this, and communities alike. Unfortunately, some use “cuddles” as codes for things it doesn’t actually mean, and some in part as a result, think others are using it as code, as well. So, some, and certain levels of issues can be due to that. Edit: note that, here I’ve reported such individual here, and the other it wasn’t so easy for me to understand+take action then. Though, they were banned, for possibly breaking rules, and trying to push boundaries, as well. end of edit.

  Though, I think it's very much more due to pushing boundaries, and manipulation. Than it’s due to just a misunderstanding.

  A bit about my story:

  I remember rejecting some men's boundary pushing advances, only for them to pretend they respect my decision. Then, try to sneak their way back to disrespecting my boundaries again, and again. One of them talked about wanting to cuddle with me. Which, I found out with time, wasn't truly just a cuddle. As he went on about other things, and rejecting it, just made him try to manipulate, guilt-trip, and whatnot. Guilt-trip as in: “Is it me, are you not attracted to me.” Our response basically put. Me: “It’s not about that, I am just looking for this.” Him: “Okay.” Him: tried to push boundaries, again.

  When he came to know that I wasn't swaying his side, he refused to meet me in person as he previously expressed in wanting. All along, he pretended to want what I expressed on my profile description, as he proceeded to contact me. Though, he still, wanted to "talk". Which, I had no interest in, given the nature of the situation. Perhaps, I should have stopped contact way earlier. Though, now I am an outside, and an aftermath observer. So, it's easier said then, done. Especially, considering my lack of adequate experience.

  I think a part of me was also, hung up on wanting to see the good in people: that he just didn't understand, and as I communicated my disapproval more: he'd respect me, and my decision. Didn't happen.

  To get back more specifically, to the asking for consent prematurly issue:

  I had men, pafc (prematurely ask for consent) both in a cuddle context, and those who pushed boundaries, in more 'advanced' context. Example: "Can I hug/ you, when we meet?"

  This, as it may for others, makes me uncomfortable. How am I supposed to know before we even met?

  • When people just chat not in person. Or they video call especially, just enough to see each other: they don't know if who they are meeting smells pleasant. If they will overall be comfortable with physical contact with that person, etc.

  • Or that, they will have a reason after some/brief conversation Edit: in person, end of edit. to not want physical contact with the person.

  • As well as, the environment they feel comfortable for a first, or so meeting with someone, may not be an environment they feel comfortable cuddling/hugging in.

  So, I think it’s a poor practice to pafc. It may put pressure on your potential cuddle partner. There’s also the other side, which is a bit or so, similar. In that some express interest that they really want to cuddle with me.

  My response goes along the lines of:

  “It depends on if we’ll be comfortable with that, when we meet.” If they pafc.

  “That might be nice.” If they, just express their willingness/interest to cuddle with me.
• ReltvlyCanshes

  May 2019

  @Lovelight i think i agree with you 100% on the PAFC, it’s more like premeditated boundary pushing.

  I think consent is a huge thing, the story by @Sideon was wonderfully descriptive but i was alerted buy the fact to she didn’t ask but assumed and continued. But That led me to understand she was terribly attractive, and often attractive people get away with stuff like that, not excusing it but i can see myself allowing an attractive woman to invade my space more than i would any one else.

  I tend to always look for consent when in others space. I expect it when folks are in mine. There would be exceptions, if i sat in a barber chair i guess that’s expressing consent; in a dentist chair i am expressing consent to be touched near my face and mouth nowhere else. But in social setting i need to grant permission to everyone in my space and ask for it.
• TheFunCartel

  May 2019

  Food for thought:

  Do people living on Easy Street need to ask for consent or is consent implied?