What people tend not to realize is that when you have an issue with how someone behaves around you, or treats you. The problem is your own not the other party. Only i can control how i react or internalize the behavior. The other person doesn’t really owe me anything, but what i expect....that i own. When i recognize what it is that bothers me, i have a responsibility to either change what i expect or change my behavior in the circumstance.
I think I’d rather change my behavior that change my expectations. I can try to change my reactions but that’s easier said than done.
Or discuss in the forums and change my thinking around the subject, which may solve all the problems. Ya dig!
I noticed that there are t-shirts for cuddlers on online stores. Or it would be easily customize a T-Shirt to say whatever. I am trying to be more social in general, so I plan to get some "Master Cuddler" (or something similar) and see if it helps to start conversations as I go shopping, et cetera.
You know it's bad when you can tell an enthusiast is going to get banned by how quick she responds to your messages.
My last post wasn’t overly helpful. Here’s what I was getting at, more plainly:
You seem to think that you’re owed something for saying “hello”. I’ve inferred that from your being frustrated, which you’ve admitted to multiple times. This appears somewhat unhinged and toxic. While I’m not saying that’s definitely the case, I’d say that your posts come off as desperate in a poisonous manner.
Edited: I see that you’ve addressed, or have attempted to address, your unrealistic expectations in another post. Somehow I missed it. This bit strikes me as bizarre:
“I think I’d rather change my behavior that change my expectations.”
That’d make sense if your expectations weren’t unrealistic and kinda messed up.
It appears as if you’re trying to receive sympathy while simultaneously exhibiting behaviors and expectations that are untenable and negative.
@BashfulLoner (a name I still like, btw): Expectation informs behavior. You have a desire—something you want—and you expect certain behaviors to help you get that thing, right? If you didn't expect a welcoming message to start a connection with someone you want to connect with, you wouldn't send it.
Changing your expectation will change your behavior. Will changing your behavior change your expectation? I'm thinking no.
I can not send messages all the live-long day, but still expect that if I did it'd get a connection of some sort started. You want to cut down on the frustration in your life? Don't expect things that aren't happening. Try things you think might work, but if they don't? Stop doing those things and try something else.
Don't be okay with expecting more from other people than (apparently) they want to give. Unless you're their boss, expect less.
@exsanguinate ” You seem to think that you’re owed something for saying “hello”. I’ve inferred that from your being frustrated, which you’ve admitted to multiple times. This appears somewhat unhinged and toxic.”
Eh I think that’s a little silly. Of course he’s frustrated at sending a bunch of messages and never getting a response. That is in no way toxic; it’s completely normal. Do you really not find that experience frustrating?
Now on the other hand what is problematic behavior IMO, as I and maybe a few other people have stated, is continuing to send messages on this site when it’s abundantly clear it’ll never work. It’s so, so strange to me to see posts on this forum that say things like “well I’ve been trying for a year and haven’t found a cuddle buddy yet, but hopefully it’ll happen soon.” A year?! Give it up man! It’s not supposed to be this hard! Try somewhere else; it can’t be any more obvious that there are no women here.
@exsanguinate while i can see were you’d draw your conclusion of possibly toxic behavior from the dialogue in these discussions, no offense taken btw. I tend to disagree. I think sometimes while further trying to explain my thinking after reading the responses it tend to sound defensive. I’m appreciative of the input from all.
Although i do t think when trying to greet someone or enter into a conversation desire some level of participation is unrealistic. I mean when you walk into work and smile and say hello to coworkers, you might expect the same in return. After sometime of not getting response to your greeting you may begin to notice the pattern. You have a choice at this point to either wonder the problem or not be bothered and continue your practice of speaking on your way to your desk. I tend to leave every individual to how they choose to respond, it’s fine with me. But i see it, and as i feel the lack of many People over time I have a reaction. I chalk up each instance as their own and move on but when i send a trend something needs to change.
Now I’m deciding that my practice of greeting new enthusiasts is not getting the response I’d expect. While frustration is a part of it ( again i own that) I have no ill will attached to it.
@DarrenWalker Sometimes expectations can be the problem, especially when unrealistic. But i don’t believe cordial response is unrealistic or aggressive. So in this instance I’m offering that my behavior is the cause of my frustration or feeling in the matter. While i don’t believe it’s in anyway negative to greet new members, as i was welcomed by a few when i came on. But my attempt to be welcoming isn’t getting the result i desire, I’m thinking doing something different is in order.
I also think my use of the word frustration may have been translated as anger or despair, it is neither. Maybe my post lately have appeared to be a reach for sympathy or placing blame on others, it is not. I just an attempt at dialogue.
@mb0 There ARE women here, its just they are all Pros.
@mb0 You basically described a difference between sympathy and empathy. Brene Brown has an excellent video on the matter, which I love. 😊
While it's good to consider possible explanations which aren't as malicious or unkind, it's also understandable to feel frustrated with constantly being ignored. Everyone wants to feel seen, and that's one reason for the need for cuddles and this site. Our society is so disconnected that we don't even see others on the street or sidewalk as people, but merely obstacles. I can completely understand a need for simply a smile and hello from someone, which on here might be a simple response.
I know I've never had anywhere close to too many messages to respond to, even before I was a professional. I don't know the kinds of profiles which would warrant so many you can't acknowledge them all, but a minimum would be someone in a VERY large city. There are other assumptions one could make... If they're not responding, I would sooner assume that the person wasn't very serious about this (whether signing up casually as an enthusiast, or thinking it's easy money as a professional), isn't present, doesn't care, is discriminating, etc etc, before assuming it's because they have an exorbitant number of messages, ha, but I can be mean when it comes to people making someone feel invisible or ignored for no good reason. Ha. 😇😆 But definitely way less critical of enthusiasts. Professionals should absolutely acknowledge everyone.
Lol. I didn't see the second page. Excellent attitude @BashfulLoner (at the top of this page). I don't see your posts or feelings as anything but normal. Your attitude and self-awareness, however, is exceptional. 😊
@ubergigglefritz i appreciate you saying that, Thank you. You see me
I'm glad you feel seen. Thanks for seeing me as well. 😊
Im John Cena .... You can't see me
What @ubergigglefritz listed as possible reasons for cuddlers not replying back to messages are all very true.
How about we males reach out a little further, and connect with those female non-pros who are impractically ( but not impossibly ) far away ? They might enjoy a conversation without feeling it must lead to something.
@geoff1000 is very correct . I speak to folks outside my area all the time and some have resulted in meeting up when they are out of town and vice versa
I am so incredibly new to this, and just want to thank y'all for the open discussion and info. I've had one very sweet welcome message that I appreciated very much to which I did respond. I also got flooded with a bunch of copy and paste messages and those can take some time to sift through. If anyone feels like they've been successful at this and wouldn't mind letting a noob pick their brain I would sure appreciate it 😊
@Cocobware With your name I expected a pic of you with parrot on your shoulder lol. I also think Vince McMahon should totally let you in the Hall Of Fame !!
@hugonehugall haha you are so right, unappreciated that you recognize the reference! I'll work on my parrot picture 🤣
That’s new information, i didn’t know it was copy and paste messages people were getting. I don’t think i ever got one of those. Any examples of what these messages are. I’m curious to know what kind of scamming is going on besides solicitation.
I send out what I believe to be warm welcome messages to newcomers within my general area and I only get responses half the time and the ones I do get are kind of perfunctory.
It seems like some people just copy and paste the same initial message to as many pros as they'd like. I think it's less of a scam and more just being lazy lol
I welcome people a lot. I almost always get nothing or a brief thanks, that's sweet. But I'm not looking for anything but to express my welcome so it's not frustrating.
@BashfulLoner For the record, I don't see your feelings here as toxic. I just see a guy wanting to connect who is talking about what it's like for him.
@BashfulLoner I welcome you
Hugs and fist bumps
@Cocobware I think some guys have the idea " Im just hiring her to perform a service " so they feel their initial approach as long as they don't ask for something illegal or against the rules doesn't matter. They see the whole thing as transactionary.
@hugonehugall you're probably right, I'm so new to this and am sure I'll get my bearings here soon 😊
@hugonehugall @Cocobware I wouldn't necessarily count it against someone for sending a generic message initially. There are a LOT of professionals who are non-responsive on here, so I can understand someone sending a bunch of plain messages at first. Some effort speeds up the process because it usually answers some of my first screening questions, but it's totally fine if they are just putting out feelers at first. Also, while it isn't entirely transactional, it SHOULD be a lot simpler than getting an enthusiast to cuddle. As a professional, you should be relatively quick to get from inquiry to yes or no to move forward. If you want to cuddle with an enthusiast, a lot more get to know you time will probably occur. 😇