Anything I suggest isn't going to matter much because honestly, I think this situation is about to blow.
Here are seven basic aspects of addictive relationships. Your OP contains all seven.
1)Unrealistic expectations 2) The need for instant gratification 3) Having to work at it all the time 4) Fear 5) Guilt 6) Keeping secrets (or Lack of trust) 7)Isolation (Nobody gets near my partner)
And this isn’t even a romantic involvement that I can see.
I’ll let you decide who the addict is and who the enabler is.
Here are the healthy counterparts to the above seven unhealthy aspects.
1)Rational realistic expectations 2)Long term contentment, security, peace of mind 3)Voluntary free-flowing cooperation 4) Comfort and contentment 5)Satisfaction 6)Honesty 7)Social integration
There isn’t much to examine here. She is either grotesquely immature and wants it entirely her way or this her way of opening her own can of cray cray on you. Neither one is healthy. Cuddling should not be something you fix. Doing something other than cuddling on a given night is not something as an adult you should have to negotiate. Cuddling is a mutually agreed upon activity between two people, while living your life is the autonomy offered to us at birth. The fact that she has the audacity to put parameters on your life is a selfish act by her and will soon spread to other facets of your life like Covid at a kissing booth on spring break in Florida.
How did it go @DonLonG ?
Oh my friend! I just saw this and am thinking about you. Everyone here offered some really fantastic advice.
Like @littermate said “search deep down and see if YOU actually want this”
I know your heart has a strong desire to connect with someone and when this started it felt heavenly. “Cuddle coma” and all, but I also remember your awareness that “you were afraid you might lose too much of yourself” It’s one thing when you are given time and space to think about things and then you comeback together and BOTH have a desire for exactly the same thing, but like many have said before me, that’s not what seems to be going on here.
You have to remember to take care of you and it doesn’t sound like she’s giving any room for that. Control from either party in a “relationship” is unhealthy.... even in friendships.
I am sending so many hugs out to you and giving you a big bit of courage vibe to do what is in YOUR best interests here. I know that’s not easy for you since you are such a giver.
Wishing you all good things. ✨💫🌟
Run. Run hard. Run fast. Run like Mexican water through a first time tourist. But the key word here is run.
Ok well, this has been an interesting experience that I have learned quite a bit from.
First of all, I am enormously embarrassed by this post, but now it's gone more than the 24 hours to edit or delete it. I deeply regret injecting drama into this community as we already have had enough of it this year. Although it is not an excuse, the explanation is I had a small panic attack caused by a combination of sleep deprivation and stress. I am not accustomed to having someone laying next to me while I am sleeping. She also wakes up way earlier than I do and gets bored and starts snuggling way before the alarms go off. I have also been under a lot of stress because I am under a lot of time pressure at my job and this lack of sleep has been affecting my work. Second, she is actually a nice person. I wrote that post in a hurry and was not my usual diplomatic self. I was not feeling well yesterday and felt trapped and was grasping at whatever I could for assistance (again, so embarrassed). Thanks to your feedback, I was able to talk with her about a wide range of things you guys brought up and got things settled. I certainly didn't mean to get the community against her. You only got one side of the story. Yes, she has some issues, but I also have a few issues. We're human, I think everyone has them. It was a little from both sides that caused my problem. Luckily she doesn't read the forums and hopefully, no one here knows who I am talking about, but still, no need to hate on her. Third, as @PeopleLikeUs makes clear, I am an addict. I hear the foundation of recovering is admission. And I do admit I have a problem. I went sooo long without human contact that when I got an actual authentic cuddle, I had an oxytocin overdose that kept me high as a kite the entire next day. I even mentioned it in a post about a month ago. I was instantly hooked and have been chasing that dragon ever since. I never did achieve that original high again. Apparently, you build up a tolerance quickly to it. But it made me lose all perspective of my priorities and I have been very unproductive since. I wanted to make a post about it but I never started it. I even missed out on that Cuddle Vending machine contest which I totally would have loved participating in, but just didn't have the time. (Congrats @Sideon on that). Fourth, there is actually such a thing as too much cuddling. Who knew? I never have seen posts on the forums about this topic. Maybe someone can link a thread? I spent far too long in a drought, that when I finally found water I dove straight in and didn't realize I was drowning. I was so grateful to have someone that, as some of you pointed out, I surrendered all my power and I started to feel suffocated. It took me a year to find someone, I dreaded the thought of this ending and going back into the desert for another year (yeah yeah I know I live in Arizona, I'm talking figuratively). Fifth, Holy Support group Batman! The responses in this thread were incredible. There was definitely more information to consider than I was expecting, and it helped a lot. I also got some private messages and a few people from the community texted me while I was offline, and I even had a phone call with someone who helped me put all this into perspective. It just fills me with so much hope and optimism knowing you people are here for support when needed. Hopefully, if it ever happens again I can do it without embarrassing myself so much. In the end, we had a good talk over some Tacos (It was Tuesday after all, Arizona tradition). The short of it is I got a better understanding of why she was so attached which was said in confidence so no need to explain here. Although she would prefer I did not meet with anyone else in the community, she would be ok with it if I told her about it beforehand. Even though COVID wasn't brought up, in this post-COVID world that probably doesn't sound too unreasonable, right?
As it turns out she has some insomnia issues and sleeps better when I am around which is part of the reason she wants to spend so many nights together. Although she prefers to visit every night, we settled on setting a limit of 4 nights a week.
We went over so much stuff that she even mentioned that we should write up a contract. LOL @FunCartel about the precuddletial comment. Unlike you, I can't afford to lose even half of my Karma.
@DonLonG ~ I'm so glad you two got to talk and come to a deeper understanding of each other's needs and were able to recognize the positives you both bring to this cuddle-ship. I hope the boundaries you set work well and you find yourself in a space better suited for swimming at your leisure while also being able to exit from time to time to eat and digest so you don't get cramps. 🤗🏊♂️
@DonLonG its @quixotic_life isn't it ? Girl let that man have some rest for the love of all that is evil and holy !!!
@pmvines ~ Hey! No peeking at my fantasy land!! That part of my mind is private ~ So scoot you!
hmmm... now it just you and me again @DonLonG... holding hands as we wade into the deep end and...
Hey! What the what?! Everybody out!!!
The concept of "platonic" cuddling is so subjective as I'm sure you know, particularly in the non-pro realm.
Leaving the sexual and romantic notions out of the cuddle equation is what platonic cuddling is all about. Seems you and your partner have blurred the line between intimacy vs. romance which is so easy to do, particularly with the repeat visits that you two have experienced.
From my perspective you need to have a long talk regarding the difference between a platonic-cuddling relationship and a romance, and what that means to each of you which it seems that you've done.
Good luck...
Yay. I had a feeling she was probably a well-rounded multi-faceted human being, but I still had to do the big sister thing. Glad you guys worked it out - sounds awesome!! Yay you to have someone to snuggle and yay you for standing up for what you needed. Sorry if I was strident. I was acting like you were my little bro and feeling all mama bear.
@DonLonG Good to hear you got things worked out.
That sounds like a one-sided cuddling relationship...
@UKGuy I almost died laughing...
Oh @DonLonG !!!!!! So many yay's go out to you!!!!
First, please stop apologizing for being human..... right damn now. We are all human and it is lovely to have a support group of sorts.
Second, I for one have no desire to hate on this lovely little miss who gets to snuggle with you (excepting of course that SHE GETS TO CUDDLE WITH YOU AND I'M JEALOUS!!!!) She is human just like you and has her own dragons. No-one gets to hate on people for having issues in my opinion.
THIRD I'm so excited for you that you had some fantastic communications and REALIZATIONS about yourself!!! I always think its important to talk about things and have a "real plan of action" or a cuddle contract per se. GOOD FOR YOU GUYS!!!!!
I think the best part of this journey is it takes us in new directions and we get to figure out some stuff that we haven't dealt with before. It's the best part but it also makes it incredibly challenging. Sometimes you have to back it up and say "WAIT A MINUTE...... I thought I wanted that, but its not the best thing for me." When each person has a desire for the highest and best for BOTH participants it is a WIN WIN!!!
So excited to see how your new plan works for you. (and I mean realllllllllllly....... who would have EVER thought there would be such a thing as TOO much cuddling??? I think there SHOULD be a thread about that!!!)
So excited for your new journey. Thank you for trusting us and sharing your thoughts and angst.
@DonLonG I don't think you embarrassed yourself at all! I think you were a human in a human moment looking for help. I waited to respond because frankly I had no extra helpful things to say. Buuuut I'm so happy you updated us and I'm soooo happy you worked things out. I'm also really happy that you could share your introspection. 💜💜💜
I HIGHLY suggest you stop cuddling with her... at all.. Ever! I've been on this site for almost 4 years now (I think) and I have multiple established cuddle buddies, but the boundary lines need to be drawn around time and respect. If cuddling is interfering with time you need to do other things, and she can't respect that, then you need to move on. She sounds like she needs to be on a dating site, not cuddle comfort. And the purpose of the two sites is night and day..
Glad to hear you had a talk about boundaries @DonLonG - I can understand you might feel embarrassed but honestly I don't think there's anything embarrassing or shameful in what you shared. I've encountered all kinds of people through the internet and I've often had to check in with friends to get a second opinion on whether something is normal or a bit off about a person or situation. Good luck with it!
@DonLonG, I found it sad that you regarded such an honest and open post as something to be embarressed about. It really isn't. And I'm happy that you have found a way to move forward with your cuddle-buddy.
But nobody, in this long and marvellously helpful thread, has answered your question. So I will.
Your boundaries are where you want them. (Where anybody else has their boundaries is their affair.) Listen to your inner voice/guts/whatever you call it. It will tell you where your boundaries are.