Women - offers of massage by potential male cuddle partners - a good thing or a red flag?

Babichev

Women, do you consider offers of massage from potential male cuddlers a good thing or do you consider it a red flag that they are looking for more than cuddles? I’ve seen a few guys mention in their profiles that they like to massage women while they are cuddling, women tell them they are good at it, etc. OR I’ve had a guy, in maybe a second message, tell me that he’s interested in doing mutual massage. That message was accompanied with a shirtless photo which made an even worse impression.

Personally, because of my life experience with men using offers of massage as a means of seduction, I distrust any man who says he’s looking for platonic cuddling and brings up massage. Sorry, guys, but I can say that every single man who has ever offered to massage me was looking for lots more than massage.

I’m wondering if most other women feel similarly or if I’m just more cautious than most after all those past experiences?

quixotic_life

🚩 I love a good massage. But dude!! Save it for an in person convo so I can read your body language, hear your tone/inflections, etc. And save it until I'm clearly at ease around you. Thanks 😊

timetocuddle07

I dont see what's wrong with a massage. But some think its a road down to more. It's based on individuals . I wonder if it woman was offering massage to guy wonder if guys would be against it.

quixotic_life

@timetocuddle07 "I dont see what's wrong with a massage."

Picture for a moment what it looks like to give one. Where are you? Where are they? How are you in relation to one another? Intentions aside, that is an incredibly vulnerable position to put oneself into. IMO, apprehension is beyond warranted and reasonable.

@Babichev Oh hell no! You're not alone. Especially if it's in the first few messages. Double and then some if it comes alongside a shirtless pic. NOPE NOPE NOPE 🚩🚩🚩

Lovelight

Completely understandable! I'd take into account other factors and if you aren't ready to receive or give that type of touch yet, you can say that you aren't comfortable with it yet. If the guy seems pushy then you know to run. I personally wouldn't feel comfortable accepting unless it is someone I have rapport built with then maybe I'd accept and or give.

Babichev

@quixotic_life “Picture for a moment what it look like to give one. Where are you? Where are they?”

Good point. Most often they are offering to massage your back. That usually means you’re face down and can’t see them, can’t see where their hands are going. And how many people want to give massage over clothing? Not many, it’s a bit difficult.

pmvines

Yeah I can def see how that could be a test to see how open you are to being rubbed all over with the conversation going more into the direction of massaging of bits and pieces and dangling bits

OhioMike

....googling "dangling bits"......and......whoa omgosh!

Lovelight

It is also an activity that I think is best saved for last, when you are about to leave each other.

quixotic_life

Omg! @squeakytoy ~ That image!! 🤣😂🤣

Sheena123

I’ve had so many bring that up. I just tell them that I follow the rules of the site which means clothing must stay on, so I can totally give and receive a back massage but

1: I’m not amazing at it
2: it can only have platonic intentions
3: obviously no oils or being shirtless.

It solidifies that I’m platonic, you aren’t getting grabby grabby with me and if you have any hopes or ideas of trying to see extra skin, no way that’s happening…

If any cuddlers try to push that, I end the conversation.

Melomaniac9

I love a good massage! But if one of the cuddlers mentions that right of the back, it’s multiple red flags 🚩 🚩 going off in my head and gut, I don’t think I’ll ever get to that point of comfort.
@Babichev @squeakytoy I’m with you on this!! You are in an extremely vulnerable position whilst getting a massage, NOPE not happening!!! The massage question is going in the opposite direction to what the TOS states. It’s a testing waters question I believe.

@pmvines dangling bits😂😂😂🤦🏽‍♀️

@Sheena123 may I use what you just said? I really like the way you framed the answer.

Tigg122

For me it depends on the person, how they ask, and what they say they want specifically. Sending a shirtless picture after the question feels like a big red flag. Asking before saying anything else is another red flag.

If they seem sincere about respecting boundaries, and you want more information, try asking, "How do you picture that will look?" Is it a simple shoulder massage while both parties are sitting up? Is it more? Are they unwilling to state clear boundaries for the massage? If they can't clearly verbalize their expectations, they probably have expectations that are against the rules.

cuddler5617

I love trading massages. As mentioned in previous comments the body language and tone are key. If the very next message is a shirtless one I would see that as a red flag. Shirtless to me should only be reserved for those you know and trust and I would never expect nor ask a woman to go shirtless that would lead to temptation.

JasonCuddles

Personally I enjoy giving scritches to animals, humans included. I very rarely offer it to humans though. Almost never infact. I don't like to potentially make people uncomfortable.

Dogs though, yup I am all in for giving them scritches. I offer it readily and give lots when they accept. There is almost nothing to worry about with dogs.

edit------

What you posted though.....I wouldn't accept that.

Did he say back massage? I’ve seen way too many ppl with “I want to give you a foot rub” for more than just platonic reasons on this site.

Melomaniac9

@cuddler5617 🫂see you get it!!!

Sheena123

@Melomaniac9 go for it!! I’m glad you like how it’s worded. I find it’s helped me a lot! 🌸🌸

Melomaniac9

@Sheena123 🙏🏼🤩

herby357

@Babichev I'm sorry to hear the vast majority of your would-be massage experiences with men have been negative. Communication is key and it's clear that the guy that reached out to you had something in mind that wasn't platonic, or therapeutic for that matter.

Massage therapy, talk-therapy, and cuddle-therapy are part of my self-care routine, so, it comes up in my initial conversation with any potential cuddle partner.

As you know, massage therapy, like professional cuddling, and talk-therapy have hourly rates. Therefore, I seek out women that are comfortable with free massage swaps, and purchased my own massage table, oils, and have created music playlists to replicate an authentic holistic massage experience as much as possible.

Cuddle comfort wise, I only cuddle with pros to avoid any type of transference issues by viewing the encounter in a transactional nature. That being said, I've had a few cuddle partners that were curious, so I gave them a short 10 or 15 minute faux back, shoulder, leg, and foot massage without my table and within the rules.

I've found it to be great ice-breaker, but providing a true 60 or 90 minute therapeutic massage is hard work that can't be achieved without a table in my experience.

First they mention massage, then they mention tantric massage, then they ask if you're familiar with yoni and lingam massage... ⛳

Hollydollhugs

@MaineCuddle i was approached by someone that mentioned the tantric massage. I had to look up what it was. I told him he’s on the wrong site.

MCcuddles2

I offer over the phone energy massages, where I call you and both parties sit in silence while i play spiritual music on youtube on my laptop. I sometimes move the phone back and forth around the lap top speaker to create a more immersive experience, though often I'll just leave the phone on the table while I run errands around the house.

🤣

Babichev

@herby357 - I didn’t say all my interactions with men offering massage were negative, I said that all the men who have offered to massage me were clearly using it as a means of seduction, though they didn’t admit that from in front.

As for massage therapy, I’m a licensed massage therapist for 30 years. I know all about that. And I’ve had plenty of massages from male therapists but that was in a professional context.

We’re not talking about a client/therapist relationship here. We’re talking about some random guy on this website supposedly looking for a platonic cuddle partner bringing up massage. That’s an entirely different scenario.

The thing I keep coming back to over and over again is that most of the men I encounter on this site - and I’m not talking about here in the forums because there are men here who clearly get it that I’d cuddle in a heartbeat - are focused on getting what they want and don’t seem to think about what the experience is like from a woman’s point of view. A total stranger wants us to get together with them, without taking the time to get to know us, and put ourselves in a very vulnerable and intimate situation with them, and then on top of it they want to put their hands all over us? Uh, no. Not going to happen. If you want a massage, book an appointment with a massage therapist. If you want an instant cuddle partner, book an appointment with a pro. And if you really just like giving massage, there’s probably someone in your life who works hard who would love a foot massage, like maybe that elderly aunt who worked on her feet all her life.

But bringing up massage to a potential cuddle partner before you even know them is probably going to decrease most guys’ chances. It does with me and it seems like I’m not the only woman who would back off from such a guy.

UCpaaHVg6u0

@Babichev While I can empathize with what you're saying, and generally agree, not ALL guys are doing massage as foreplay. There are those who make a living at it, and that requires the discipline to always steer away from sexual triggers. Such professionals see massage as what it's intended for: to relax and foster trust. I believe that's what cuddling is supposed to do. It bothers me that I'm always defending massage from those who think it's generally a front for sex work. It often is, unfortunately, but for the rest we struggle to keep it safe for our clients.

@Babichev et al:

I'd never thought about it that way before. Massage has always been completely platonic for me, so it didn't even occur to me that it was possible for so many people to have been hit on that way (even though, in retrospect, it's pretty dang obvious).

Noted! And thank you all; I'll definitely be more thoughtful about how I bring up that subject from now on.

Babichev

@UCpaaHVg6u0 - I’m quite certain that not ALL guys are doing massage as foreplay. However, I can say that during my 68 years of life, every single man who has offered to massage me was using it as a means of seduction. Every. Single. One.

As for professional massage therapists, I am one and some of my favorite MTs are men. That is entirely different and has nothing to do with this. I’m not talking about professional massage therapy. I’m talking about men on this site looking for non-professional cuddle partners who bring up massage in the context of a cuddle session. I thought I made that pretty clear.

@DarrenWalker , you’re one of the few people who, if you brought it up, I’d be totally comfortable with it because I know you well enough. And I suspect that you are clear and convincing that your interest is completely platonic. But yes, it is a common ploy used by men to try to seduce women so even if their intentions are good, it’s important that they know that.

Aw, shucks. Thanks, @Babichev. I'll still be more thoughtful around people who don't know me as well as you do! You're right: it's good to be aware of the common ploys certain groups of people get hit with, so you can avoid accidentally throwing red flags.

Thinking about the other person's experiences and feelings that way takes a bit of emotional labor, but it's worth it!

@MaineCuddle I don't think I've gotten an offer of massage on this site, but... YES. On dating sites, when someone offers a massage right off the bat, this is exactly the progression of steps!

Except, you know, occasionally swap out the offer of yoni massage with a pic of their erect member. Regardless, it always seems to head in that direction. Blech.