This is the second installment in my story of How I found happiness on Cuddle Comfort. It's written from my perspective, which is that of a cis, straight, able-bodied, right-handed, Christian-cultured, university-educated, middle-aged, white man (I know, right?) who cuddles women. Make your own adjustments, but the principles don't change.
The story so far: enough of a messaging relationship has been established that you have said something like, "Would you like to talk about meeting up?" At this point there are four possible avenues, not counting a flat 'no'.
- continuing the conversation because she is still unsure about meeting
- arranging a video or voice call
- arranging an initial meeting, perhaps for coffee somewhere public with cuddling not an option
- arranging a meeting with a view to cuddling if both of you feel comfortable
Assuming some kind of meeting, move on to practicalities. Make a general plan first; then discuss matters like covid, relevant medical conditions, pets, flatmates, transport, etc; and finally nail down the details. A typical first cuddle meeting lasts between two and four hours.
The conversation stays on CC until the day of (or day before) the call or meeting. At that point you may (or may not) wish to switch to something like Whatsapp. Do not use apps with disappearing messages, it's not safe. You must ask permission for everything. Do say, "Would you like to exchange numbers so we can go onto Whatsapp?" Do not say, "What's your number?"
The night before, confirm the meeting with details. On the day, be scrupulously clean. You are going to meet somebody nice who wants to meet you, so be happy and full of confidence. This is a good thing!
Tell a reliable friend exactly who you are meeting and where. If you are going to her house, a gift is not expected and anything that costs more than about five bucks is inappropriate. However, if you would like to take something, the convention in London is some nice chocolate.
If they are coming to your house, the place must be spotless. For example, if you are contemplating cuddling on the bed then the sheets must be clean on this morning. You should offer simple refreshments, but your visitor is at liberty to decline. If your bathroom does not have sanitary products in the cupboard for emergencies ... well then you are beyond my help or anybody else's.
Immediately before you meet, check that her profile is still live. If not, this is a very bad sign. Make contact and ask why, and be prepared to abandon ship. If she has two large, ugly friends who offer to carry your wallet and phone, let them. Note that the primary vulnerabilty of a man going to meet a woman from the internet is financial, so don't sign anything. Meeting people from the internet isn't dangerous but it is a bit like crossing the road - if you don't look left and right you risk being run over.
However, remember that you live in a society where serious physical violence by men against women is more common than the other way around. Stop for a moment and reflect on this. For example, it's never ok for you to be between your cuddle partner and the door of the room you are in: she must always be between you and the door. Otherwise she will feel trapped, consciously or unconsciously.
Once you are together, turn your text conversation into a real conversation for anything from five minutes to an hour. Then you can start to turn the conversation into a cuddle, if you are both comfortable with that. It might be best to start with a conversation about your experiences of touch, if you haven't done so already. Some people discuss specifics: 'I love having my back stroked, but please don't touch my hair'. Take it stage by stage. 'Would it be ok if I come and sit right next to you? ..... May I hug you? ..... Would you like to put your legs over my legs?'
Every new touch requires explicit permission. 'May I .... ' There are only two possible answers: 'hell, yeah' and 'hell, no'. Anything that is not the first, is the second. It is utterly forbidden in cuddling to ask twice. The corollary is that if she asks you something, you must be totally straightforward. It's fine to say, 'I'm not sure about that. Can we try it for a minute and see how I get on?'
yes = yes, but only to precisely this, and only to now
maybe = hell no, not now, not ever, do not ask again
ummm = ditto
perhaps later = ditto
[pause] = ditto
no = ditto
In all this talk of respecting your cuddle buddy's boundaries, it is essential not to lose sight of your own. Before you go, be clear in your own head about what kind of touch is ok with you, and what isn't. If you need to, practice saying no, or saying, 'my neck is starting to hurt, can we move?'. If a hand ends up in a place that you are not comfortable with, the convention is simply to lift it up and place it somewhere nearby that is ok. If your hand gets moved, just say 'oh, sorry' and don't put your hand there again, but in itself it's not a big deal.
It's also not a big deal if you get an erection. It's not rare, and most women are pretty relaxed about it as long as you deal with it correctly. (See boner threads passim.) Apologise if necessary, and adjust your position. It may be helpful to put a cushion in the affected area.
Have a plan for what to do if she tries to turn the session sexual. It's unusual, but it does happen. If your response to that was something along the lines of 'yippee!' .... well then you have much thinking to do before you are ready to be a cuddle buddy. Such behaviour might be indicative of a history of some kind of abuse, and by playing along with it you would be continuing the abuse.
If she asks for payment at the end of the session, keep your cool and remain polite. Point out that she does not have a professional profile and you did not book the session through the site. (Real professionals require payment at the start, always.) However, bear in mind that she may need the money. Report the event when you get home.
After the cuddle, stay and chat for a little. If you would like to see her again, indicate this vaguely but do not attempt to arrange a second meeting. Everybody needs to sleep on the first session. People who have just had a really good cuddle may experience a blissful state known as a 'cuddle coma', and people in a cuddle coma are at risk of making poor decisions.
If the whole experience has been a happy one, you may wish to leave Karma. Ask permission for this. If they are willing, then post something true and nice about them. Do not mislead people who may rely on that Karma. Say that if they would like to leave nice Karma for you, you would appreciate it. It is their right not to do so without explaining. (Some people prefer not to use Karma, for all sorts of reasons.) Karma may not be 'traded': you leaving Karma for her, and her leaving Karma for you, are completely separate.
If the experience has been in any way unhappy, consider discussing it with them. Serious unhappiness should be dealt with by Reporting the incident to the moderators. Minor points may be mentioned in Karma, but always be as kind as circumstances permit. Karma should be written a day or two later, when you have some perspective but the events are still fresh.
Assuming all is well, send a thank you message the next day.
An appropriate time later, continue the conversation and indicate clearly and politely whether you'd like to cuddle again. Cuddle relationships commonly do not last very long - they tend either to peter out, or escalate to friendship or romance.
And that's it. You're now a cuddler. Congratulations!