I'm a non-pro woman on this site, and here's what I look for in a first message.

IndigoAura

A little context: I've been on this site about a month and a half. I live in a metropolitan area. My profile has no photos and only 10 words in my "About Me." I was planning to add more, but as soon as I set up that very basic profile, I started receiving messages. A LOT of messages. I've since met up with one member here, and I responded to him because of the quality of the message he sent me. (It was three sentences and the first one was "Hi, I'm [name]," so don't think I'm about to ask for some huge investment on your part.)

About 95% of the messages I receive look like this:

• Hey how are you doing, are you available this week ?
• Hi gorgeous, good day to you! How have you been doing lately? (remember, I don't have any photos posted, ha)
• Hi, new here?
• how are you? will love to know more and meetup. can you host dear?

Messages like these create a self-perpetuating cycle of frustration and disappointment; women get too many low-quality messages, so they don't respond, and men begin spamming more low-quality messages because when you're not getting replies, it's not worth investing time and energy composing something better. I get it. I'm fine getting a 95% copied-and-pasted message. I scrolled through my inbox over the last couple weeks and noticed some patterns that made me more or less likely to respond to a message, and I thought I'd share them with you (in approximate order of importance). These are personal preferences, and I'm not claiming they're right, fair, or reasonable.

1. Message members with compatible preferences: This goes for age range, host/guest ability, and location. If these aren't at least close to compatible, you're unlikely to get a response and you're wasting your own time and the recipient's patience with the site.
2. Offer more information than you request: Reading my messages can feel like opening an essay exam. "What's the best thing that happened in your life this week?" "What kind of movies do you like?" "Have you had much luck on this site?" It feels like you're asking me to compose a thoughtful reply and carry the conversation without indicating that you've put any effort in at all. I'm not saying you shouldn't ask questions, but if you do, also offer some information about yourself. Honestly at this point, I know that "how are you?" is a pleasantry, but even that has started to feel like you're asking something of me.
3. Don't assume I'm on board to meet you right away; consider my experience and safety: For example, "Looking for someone tonight after 8pm," "let's meet at a club," "can't wait to cuddle you." I'm sure you know that women are taking a very real and serious risk when they meet a stranger from the internet. When you expect to meet same-day or write as if my decisions are a foregone conclusion, it makes me think you haven't put much thought into my experience. This makes me worry that you may not respect my boundaries, I may not feel safe with you, and/or it might just be an unsatisfying experience for me.
4. More content than generic pleasantries: "Nice to meet you," "you're gorgeous," "hope you're having a great day." I get it, it's polite, and I completely understand why you wrote it. I'm not criticizing you for writing those things, and I'm not specifically put off by it; I'm just... blind to them at this point. My inbox is A SEA OF PLEASANTRIES with only the tiniest islands of actual meaningful content. The content is what I notice.
5. Proper spelling and grammar: Some people don't care about this at all. Personally, I'm happy to overlook one or two errors, and I've probably made a couple in this post. However, excessive typos basically tell me, "I put absolutely no thought or effort into any of this" and that doesn't make me want to have a conversation with you.

All that said, this is basically what I'm hoping for in a first message. It's maybe 4-8 sentences:
Hi, I'm [name]. [Something, anything, lighthearted about you that might be interesting to me. Pets? Hobbies? You're new to the area?] [Why you chose to message me, with some implication that you at least looked at my preferences and think you fit them.] [A brief pleasantry like 'hope to hear from you.' Bonus points if it implies you're local and/or you wrote this somewhat recently, like, 'hope you're out enjoying the sun this weekend'] Attach a PG photo if you don't have one on your profile.

Again, this is all subjective and broad strokes. I'm referencing the stereotypical "men messaging lots of women, women getting lots of messages from men" situation but it's not all explicitly gender-specific -- these are things I keep in mind when messaging women. I'd love to know what patterns others notice in their messages, and what's more universal vs. what's more unique to me. I'm also curious whether anything I've written here seems way off-base, surprising, entitled, out-of-touch, etc; I'm totally open to feedback and new perspectives!

ScroogeMcducky

Im glad you got to cuddle. Welcome to the site.

I definitely am more at ease with some good conversation right away also. Although I wouldn't write off people with bad grammar. Sometimes that's the best they can do be it a learning disability of some sort or something else

Bear

I believe I’ve had good messages. Most of the time I don’t get replies. The only issues I have his trust because of an earlier experience they had with somebody else recently.

CuddleWho

It's nice that you want to write this to help people out. Thanks for posting this. I'm sure your advice can help people. But posts like this can be frustrating for men to read, because women rarely reply even when you send good messages. I'm a reasonably thoughtful and communicative kind of person. I'm confident the messages I used to send to enthusiasts years ago were fine. I definitely hit all 5 of the points you list here. I never got a reply. Never. And that's hard to understand given that supposedly so many messages women receive are so terrible. If 95% of opening messages are terrible, shouldn't that make it more likely that decent messages receive replies?

(I did eventually cuddle some enthusiast women, but only when they reached out first.)

I am 100% on board with this point you make:

and men begin spamming more low-quality messages because when you're not getting replies, it's not worth investing time and energy composing something better

Yeah, I will never send an opening message to an enthusiast woman again for exactly this reason. After several dozen don't reply, it becomes very clear that carefully reading someone's profile and crafting a good opening message is a complete waste of time. Low quality messages are pointless, so IMO the only reasonable solution is to skip the whole endeavor.

I actually think it's this line of thinking that led to the "swipe" style of dating app: They allow people to find initial matches without men having to compose dozens of unique opening messages that will mostly be ignored.

PeopleLikeUs

A person's ability to maintain superficial interaction early on in relationship development is a good sign. Superficial communication gives people a chance to explore the stability of a perspective cuddler. The longer the better. And if moved to video chat better yet.

What people say here in writing may just be an indicator of their education level. It's our intentions that need to be explored. In some cases, an almost inability to communicate in writing may be clear. The internet is limited in how much communication actually takes place. Interpersonal communication is a skill of its own and is not always an indicator of a person's intentions. The best communicator could be the biggest jackass.

I have the worst ever fights in writing with the best cuddler I have. And it's been that way from the start. How we ever got together is a mystery. If I had gone on txts alone I would have passed a long time ago. But face to face, we're the perfect cuddle match.

There was also a participant in a workshop I did that everybody was afraid of. He obviously had trauma, he fidgeted like he was expecting to be hit, he communicated about attraction to women openly and honestly, and there was a lot about this guy that people would associate as crazy. I asked if I could hold his hand and he gave me the okay as we lay flat on the floor. Between that and an incredible group leader we had, he ended up fitting right in and everybody cuddled with him. He would never in million years land anybody out here on CC.

Communication in a place like this requires a certain amount of training. So I myself don't let early-style communication dictate everything. And I'm not about to date anybody here so I don't view potential cuddlers through that lens. It's really obvious to me when others do and I bow out, another advantage to long-term superficial interaction.

MrAdmirer

@IndigoAura I would not even be welcome to send you a message because I am too old to cuddle with by your standards. So forgive me if your post come off a bit shallow to me.

There really is no advice to give those who take platonic cuddling seriously. All of us send perfectly reasonable messages to enthusiasts and a high majority still get ignored. Finding an actual enthusiast on this site is pretty much hoping to hit the lottery.

CuddleDuncan

What a brilliant post @IndigoAura, thank you!

Nothing you have written surprises me. In fact it's remarkably consistent with my own experience and those I have collected over the last couple of years. Your suggestions are essentially identical to the ones I've been making for a while.

However, if you are a man seeking women it is also true that even if there is a reasonable number of enthusiast women in your area, and you have a great profile and you write a great message, the vast majority of these messages go unanswered. This is partly because a significant proportion of enthusiast women never reply to any messages at all - it's all just too much.

My first attempt at Cuddle Comfort washed up in much the same way as most men's does. My second attempt (this one) was much more successful and I have now cuddled with about a dozen enthusiast women I've met here. A few approached me but in most cases I sent the opening message.

At the start I received no replies at all, obviously, but once I got going I received a reply to perhaps one message in twenty and that rate has now improved significantly to .... well it's definitely better than one in ten. (I've never done the analysis.) But I still expect to receive no reply, and being disappointed on that point is still a genuine surprise. I've put a lot of thought and effort into this whole thing and I don't think I can do any better without a face and body transplant and world-famous photographer.

I wrote up my suggestions a while ago. I will post a cross-reference in those threads in due course.

• How I found happiness on Cuddle Comfort

• How I Found Happiness on CC Part 2: The First Meeting

My final point. Gentlemen, unless there are at least a dozen enthusiast women who have logged on in the last month within a distance you are willing to travel, then don't even bother. It's not worth the effort. Book a professional cuddler if you can, and/or look into cuddle workshops/parties in your area.

• How To Choose Your Professional Cuddler

My real final point - here is a short thread about your opening message to a professional cuddler, which is a different thing.

• The Perfect Opening Message (to a professional)

jplemmon

Good post and good discussion. I admit I’m often guilty of minimal opening messages myself. I always try to gauge the initial gut reaction prior to expanding with more detailed conversation. Like many others though I’ve just kinda stuck with pros. Even when I’ve gotten an enthusiast response they pretty much always deactivate after a few days.

1_teddybear

@IndigoAura Thank you very much for being helpful and showing a bit of what it is like to be here from an enthusiast's perspective. I especially appreciate your empathy with the guy's perspective at the same time. I know that not every enthusiast is going to want the same things that you do, but just having an insight into your experience is quite helpful.

WiserGuy3000

@IndigoAura thank you for posting this and opening this discussion. I live in a small town with only a handful of enthusiast cuddlers (and just a few pros, for that matter) and I've never been able to get a discussion going with an enthusiast. Lots of food for thought in your post (and TBH, some of these suggestions carry over and have applicability to online dating sites, too).

frankparker9

@IndigoAura Makes perfect sense! 100% My advice would be very similar.

Be a human. Mention something from their profile that resonated. Maybe share something about yourself. I love writing a kind and connected little paragraph of the sort I might like to receive. Whether or not I ever get a reply. Taking into account their preferences is not rocket science. If you are a little outside their age range, you can say, “I know I’m a little outside your age range.” Or whatever the preference is. With the goal being to show you noticed and care, knowing it may not be a fit.

warm_embrace

Thanks for the thoughtful post and advice @IndigoAura. I have cuddled with a few enthusiasts, but it requires a lot more time and energy to actually set up a cuddle as opposed to booking with a pro. So, I usually don’t bother trying to cuddle with enthusiasts; and when I do, I don’t expect a response.

The times I have been successful have been the times I treated “first messages” as a “numbers game”. For every 10 enthusiasts I send a first messages, I might get 1 response back. Then, for every 10 responses, maybe 1 actual face-to-face meeting.

My luck is much better with pros. It’s much easier to schedule with them, they are more comfortable meeting a stranger for a platonic cuddle, and they usually arrive ready to cuddle.

Keep in mind that it’s likely nothing personal, and almost certainly nothing that you as an individual can “fix”.

Online the majority of women (95%+) rate 80% of all men “below average”.

Those numbers are unlikely to be “better” on a non-dating site like Cuddle Comfort.

They are likely to be worse.

Be polite, be kind, be patient, have ChatGPT write your profile and “first contact” message, and have no expectations of success.

KozyKim

I feel like I would never let them know what I do and don’t want in a message, that way I can vet them when they leave a message I don’t want. Because if I tell them what kind of message to leave then they’re just gonna leave that message, but they’ll still be the same person. Does that make sense?

Of course with a pro there slightly more tolerance

As a by the way, here is what the chat AI suggests as an opening message for @IndigoAura

Hi IndigoAura,

I hope this message finds you well!

As I stumbled upon your profile, I couldn’t help but be drawn to your intriguing description.

Being a musician and artist myself, I believe we could connect on a creative level.

Your mix of being self-assured yet disarmingly silly makes me curious to know more about you.

If you’re open to exploring a platonic connection with someone who appreciates cuddling and genuine friendships, I’d be delighted to get to know you better.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Warm regards,
CharlesInWi

So, IndigoAura, how did the AI do?

warm_embrace

We could program an AI bot to scan profiles and send 1st messages. I’ll bet it would beat my 10 to 1 odds….😬

That’s amazing and scary.

Rocket_Man

Hi , I'm Rocket. That's all fine and dandy but when there are slim to no enthusiasts in the area it isn't really going to help. However I do understand and think you have a point

teddybear888

@warm_embrace Who’s to say there aren’t already Ai-driven profiles? I’d be surprised if there weren’t.

warm_embrace

@teddybear888 I asked chatgpt to describe how AI bots cuddle:

“ Imagine two AI bots sitting together on a fluffy cloud, both of them with adorable expressions on their faces. One bot has a screen displaying a heart emoji, while the other has a screen displaying a smiley face with heart-shaped eyes. They are surrounded by floating hearts and surrounded by the word "Love" written in a playful font. It's a cute and amusing portrayal of AI bots finding affection in their own unique way.”

achetocuddle

@KozyKim Exactly.

KozyKim

@achetocuddle It’s kind of like getting on the news and warning the public what to look out for with all the thieves and their new schemes and plans to ripe you off. And then you give scammers and schemers more ideas.😝

achetocuddle

@KozyKim That's what I'm always afraid of.

warm_embrace

Thanks again for starting this tread @IndigoAura. I think there is some good advice that has come from this discussion. Here are my takeaways:

1. If you want to increase your chances of cuddling with (non-pro) women who are cuddle enthusiasts, write good opening messages.
2. Don’t get your hopes up. The odds are against you.

lonelytauros

I love this, “ Don’t get your hopes up. The odds are against you.”
It’s like go ahead and put in all this work and all this time, but don’t expect to get anything out of it lol 😂
Do you wanna get to know somebody look at what they post in the forums look at the kind of music that they listen to it might not tell you everything about the person, but it definitely gives you a better idea of who they are over a greeting that could be falsely generated in order to tell you something that they think that you want to hear

warm_embrace

@lonelytauros - I think the lesson is;

If you’re a man and you want to actually engage in platonic cuddling with women, you’re more likely to do so by hiring a pro.

KozyKim

I have a few of my clients who have been very successful with enthusiast. I wish they would chime in and see what they do that makes it easier for them. But I do know they communicate a lot and they are patient. Plus in the meantime while they’re waiting for an enthusiast they will hire pros.

quixotic_life

@CharlesInWI ~ That's scary/cringy AF!! 😬

@quixotic_life

We do live in interesting times, certainly.

But why is that cringy? Or, scary I suppose?

To me it’s vaguely like “cheating”, but that’s essentially what most social interaction tends to be, at least the initial politeness and best behavior/first impression part.

Using an AI as our Cyrano (as opposed to our well spoken friend, pop culture, or experienced relatives) seems fairly benign to me.

Honestly, I have no idea how to talk to people.

Any skills I have at it were learned from my Mom, Grandmother, and other family.

WriterGF

Except ... you send her an AI note, and she sends you an AI note back, rinse and repeat, and you really learn nothing about each other ... you learn about each other's AIs.

@WriterGF I agree, but I, for one, embrace our new AI overlords!

Besides, who hasn’t thought they knew a friend/romantic partner only to find that, no, not really?