Shy or Awkward Cuddlers

unsocial_bee

I’m not super affectionate with people I haven’t known for long. In the past it’s taken me a while to feel comfortable enough to touch people. Though if others initiate it makes it easier.

So cuddlers, has this been a major issue for you or someone you cuddled with? How did you/y’all overcome it? Are these the type of cuddlers you avoid? Do most people easily transition into cuddling with strangers with little effort, like there’s no or a short term awkward period?

cuddles_ndream

This is a really good question !! The 1st cuddler I ever booked with was a very active cuddler , and than the 2nd one was like me … I tend to go with the flow & sorta go off their vibe, but now you’re making me wonder if the ladies here want their cuddle buddies to take the lead…

unsocial_bee

Well all women aren’t like me, but it doesn’t hurt to ask their preference on who initiate cuddles.

cuddles_ndream

That’s simply true …

happybear

Everyone is different and comfortable with different things, I was with someone that just wanted to sit on the couch and hold hands that's it, for her it was a huge step, after 45 minutes I was well rested and said I was going to go and asked her if she liked it, she said to me that I was the first person in over 5 years that was that close to her, I felt blessed to be there for her in a way that she needed, we are in this together, and sometime being there for someone else is even better that it being about you, with cuddling its about creating that comfortable space together. She chose me. I am a more active cuddler but want to see someone relax. I have lots of cuddles that when we meet I get a mild hug or side hug, and when leaving its a tight hug with a long deep breathe of comfort and relaxation and connection that we leave as friends. What an amazing community.

Gallowglass

My leadup to cuddling was a particularly long and dry, and dead time, emotionally.

In my searching for relief in a multitude of places, I same across the topic of platonic cuddling.
I felt if I could get one part of my life/heart back moving, that I might get the trainwreck that I was, back on track.

I was drawn by the unbridled energy of a local cuddler and I was so desperate that I decided to set up an appt.
It was like fresh rain on parched turf. My roots started to soften and revitalize. I came alive again.

That gave me the courage to meet and interact with others.
I meta couple people, including 1 particular cuddler, that pushed my buttons yet gently held me, in a metaphorical sense.
I started to trust again. I came alive again, I started to love again.
That all took years.

Today, I can hug anyone, any stranger is my brother, I don't even pay attention to those "awkward" moments much any more because I know they don't matter. They are transitory. They don't change anything in the long run. they aren't something to fear.

Because, I know, more importantly, on the other side of any discomfort, is potentially life-saving love. Love in whatever form it shows up in, no matter how small it seems, can change a person's life, forever. So, bring it on.

Heatherrrr

I'm very outgoing and friendly so having someone shy that wanted to cuddle with me wouldn't bother me one bit! We could take it as slow as they'd like...maybe sitting together or holding hands and gradually move into hugging and being more affectionate. I think the majority of people on here would be very understanding if someone feels awkward or shy at first! I know I would be understanding!

unsocial_bee

@Gallowglass thats a great milestone

@Heatherrrr This is good to hear. I was concerned that many people wouldn’t be very understanding. I’ve been reading the forums and people seem to cuddle with ease.

ShaneSchrute

I have a cute cuddling book with great illustrations and examples of cuddling positions that I have with me when I’ve cuddling someone new. It helps guide the conversation of what we want.

I also introduce a very simple consent game in the very beginning: we sit across from each other and I’ll say, “can hold your hand?” Then my cuddle partner can feel free to say yes or no, and then ask for their own kind of touch, maybe “can I shake your hand?” Or “can we stand up and hug?” Then the other person can respond according to their needs and then might say, “oh yes I really love hugs!” Then try being really specific, “can I take my left index finger and touch the center of your forehead?” Then try asking for a certain kind of touch but only for a certain amount of time, “can I gently squeeze your arm for 3 seconds?”

This helps us both actively take part in healthy consent giving and receiving; which is freely given, reversible, informed, enthusiastic and specific. This sets the tone for the rest of the session; I’m going ask to be big spoon as some point because that’s my favorite. If my partner says yes I will still then I’ll also ask if I can put my leg over their leg; I want to be specific and not assume anything. I get uncomfortable in one position for too long so sometimes with a difficult position like YubYum I’ll set a timer.

Starting the right way can help if you’re awkward or shy. The consent game gives us both a context that hopefully makes us feel safe and relaxed and open to touch and then cuddling.

Gallowglass

@syins I have seen a downloadable book, called CuddleSutra. It might be food for thought, too.

unsocial_bee

@Syins that’s a good idea! What’s the name of the book?

Thanks @Gallowglass for the book rec.

ShaneSchrute

@unsocial_bee

The Book of Cuddles
By Yoni Alkan DHS

That one also leans into consent too.

SleepySheep1

Sometimes Cuddlers are referred to as cuddle therapists, which I think is an apt description as it takes nuance and a special knowledge to understand how to broach difficult things like intimacy and effectively communicate those things verbally, via body language, and even atmosphere in the case of those that host.

A good cuddle therapist will know how and when to approach things and communicate in such a way that everyone feels comfortable and moving at a pace unique to them and their needs.

I feel very shy and awkward. Right now I’m at the stage where I need the other person to kind of initiate. When I know they feel comfortable it makes me feel more comfortable! If I was to cuddle someone like me, I think I would try to communicate and break through the awkwardness! I haven’t had any luck on this site yet. But I would love the chance to get past that and just enjoy a good cuddle!

xandriarain

I always let my clients know that there is never any expectation to cuddle and never have to do anything they don't want to. I ask them to tell me if they are uncomfortable to let me know so we can adjust or take a break and that I will do the same for them so that they do not have to worry about me. I find that most people feel more comfortable cuddling after a bit of talking and getting comfortable with one another. I may check in every so often and ask a person if they are ready to start cuddling so they know it's ok to initiate cuddling.

sillysassy

@unsocial_bee Welcome to the site!!!! I love those glasses... they look absolutely fantastic on you! 😊

What a fabulous question and all of this amazing input is really enjoyable to read as well.

I am more of a "social bee" but I still have a bit of hesitancy meeting with someone new. I love the idea of looking through the forums to find information and talking with people who have experienced cuddling a bit to get a feel of how different people approach things. This is still a fairly new idea and a lot of people are in the middle of figuring things out so please don't believe that you're the only one having this kind of awkwardness.

The blog Cerebral Sexuality talks about the FRIES consent that @Syins mentioned.... LOVE THAT!! kassandrabrown.org talks quite a bit about consent and has some videos out there as well.

One of the first things I ever encountered in this world of "just cuddles" was an exercise that helps you feel your truth in your heart and in your mind. Just like talking about very specific requests can be helpful, it can also be very enlightening to know how your body feels when you say yes or no. Its also incredibly beneficial to know how it feels when things aren't congruent.

Here's the example. You can do it with a potential cuddle or even just a friend to help understand it... 2 or 3 people work well for this. This is NOT a touch exercise... just an understanding exercise. You each take a turn. For two minutes you are the one responding and the others are the ones asking.
The first round you answer no to every question. Regardless if you want to say yes.
The second round you answer yes to every question. Regardless if you want to say no.
The third round you answer honestly to every question. Then you get to take a moment and reflect on how you feel when you don't answer with both your head and your heart.

I was always afraid to say no because I might hurt someone's feelings but the best part of these exercises is the feeling you have when you know and have really strong YES or NO feelings! And your answer is always reversible!!

This is fun to do with someone new as well because you can start to appreciate what the other is asking for or offering. Its always easier for me to talk about some of this stuff BEFORE you actually start cuddling because sometimes your mind gets fuzzy while you are in the middle of a snuggle. Having clear boundaries and discussions ahead of time really eases my anxiety about a new cuddle.

I sort of hesitate to use the word "initiate" because it might be taken as the opposite of discussion or consent. I think its also a great thing to connect with someone who has a good amount of karma and respect built up so you aren't overwhelmed with uncertainty on top of newness. This is one of the reasons I have a high regard for PRO's and those who have the ability to help guide because of experience.

This is getting super long and I apologize but I think this is such an important topic!! Thanks for sharing.

Gallowglass

@malogy It's important to think about what you might want to get out-of a cuddle session.

It will make it better to think about this without the pressure of being in a cuddle. Are there things you need to say (disclaimers and explanations) that will help you to be at-ease with the other person? Is there a certain level of physical contact you want to start with? Is there a level you want to experience? Are there things that might trigger emotional reactions in you? Do you want the other person to avoid them or just be aware of them? Are there things you want help working-through? Is there anything you want the other person to hold accountable?

Stuff like this is good to think through. Because then you can have the conversation, Because the conversation will help you get the most out of your time together. Cuddling can be goal-oriented.

Having those conversations with yourself, and with your co-cuddler can take the guesswork, and nervousness out of the picture. Let your healing and growth begin!

sillysassy

@Gallowglass

ShaneSchrute

@sillysassy indeed!

@Gallowglass thank you so much for the awesome advice!!! I will think about those things for sure!!!

entwine

The Yes/No exercise that @sillysassy explained was something that was done at a cuddle party I attended. It works wonders. Not only to get you used to saying both words, but equally important, hearing them from someone else. Also a big part of it, like she mentioned, is during each phase, really listen to your body/emotions, with how it reacts to saying each time. If you say yes, but felt weird/bad/nervous, then remember that something you may not actually want, and be ok with saying no. And vice versa.

But yeah, it can be hard/awkward, but don't be afraid to speak up during a session to say how you're feeling or what you want. Of course knowing these things isn't always easy either.
If you're more afraid of what or how your cuddle buddy will react to your uncomfortableness, then might mean need more communicating before even starting a session. Nothing says have to jump right in without getting a bit of understanding/trust built first.

achetocuddle

@gallowglass Your life story is beautiful. And so well-written.

unsocial_bee

Thank you @sillysassy ☺️ That consent exercise is very helpful.

Thank your everyone for the input. I really appreciate it.

Lev136

I check in with who I’m with from time to time . If someone is shy and new I try to get them to relax, assure them it will be okay and move .