For The Lonely Guys..

The last of my couple of RL friends have almost ceased to exist.  Trying to hang out with them is as bad as trying to find a cuddler here.  I have had an ad on CL on and off for most the better part of last year looking for various but mostly hiking buddies.  I've gotten very few responses and most of the ones that I did get were lonely women that wanted someone to talk to and not actually hang out and do anything.

I put out an ad this past Friday and I have already gotten three emails already.  The difference was I posted in the male section instead of the female.  I have yet to write these men because I'm a bit intimidated as I have never done this before.  All of my male friendships have always been organic, and as I've aged, mostly through work.  I don't know how things are going to go with this experiment.  And if there's some interest on here, I'll keep you updated.

What I am saying is, maybe we do need to stop depending on women so much. Maybe part of the problem is we are always running to them.  Then crying about how they mistreat us and take advantage of us.  Before I get flamed by women, other than guys being pervy, what other complaints do you have about men?  I don't really see a hoard or angry women on here.  And quite frankly, this message is not for you anyways.  What is really clear to me is there are plenty of lonely guys out there wanting friends.  And maybe they lonely because they too have always tried to find companionship in women.  I will certainly ask at one point.

As I said before, I can't claim 100% success but I've certainly seemed to have gotten more of a response from my new ad.  I invite other guys out there to give it try and let me know what happens.  Because you are going to be highly disappointed if you think that you are going to find a cuddle buddy here without paying for it.  Looking forward to Morpheus' response. lol

gone are the days of trust , both sexes think the worst of each sex and this with advent of app like tinder and so we developed this ' what's best round the corner ' in doing we so we all miss out .

Sadly a lot woman are missing 's till in mind set despite need to rant about feminism they still expect a man do to all work and case ., again some guy getting tired of that ! trying only to be lead no where .

This is a generation change in attitudes ...some but all are.like tHg ... I wish you nest lucky felLa

Brandi

Id say it has to be your partly location for not getting literally any replies from the oposite sex.on here and craigslist im aure you put in the same efforts.
But Honestly you're profile seemed wonderful and pure youre obviously able to obtain a conversation and you dont physically look frightening and you did put a profile pic so theres that. Its the same thing though really hard for us ladies to hang out with ladies friends unless you were previous friends in highschool or something and even then It just doesnt really happen. Every girl ive chatted with have said the same thing how "girls suck" and can never maintain friendships but in the end we always fade away. Maybe its me? Lol. Maybe its just hot people approach friendships nowadays. Without care and effort. Everyone must meet on an app or site of some sort there isnt really a eay to nicely make friends in person. We should try to change that and maybe itll help everyone make friends.

I have no family. I am happily married so I have a constant companion and I do participate in family functions with her family. I have a job where I have 18 direct reports I deal with on a daily basis along with my leadership and customers. At the end of the day, I'm spent and don't have time for much or for anyone else. I'm naturally a very detached person and only have a couple of what I would call really close friends and even they aren't that close. This is one of the reasons I really enjoy professional cuddlers because I can have an intimate bond with someone for an hour and then I can walk away with no obligations. This satisfies my need for closeness while allowing me to stay detached.

All of that being said, I recently joined an all men's group where we sit around and just talk about whatever and I have to admit, it's pretty damn fantastic.

greenearth2

Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings. I think noone likes it. But for some of us it's a constant presence that never goes away for long.
You may have a point. I have rarely had any male friends. I always sought friendship with women.
And it hasn't been very fulfilling.

Sadly, I have to say I've become very accustomed to loneliness now...although I really do hate it.
It is what it is, I guess.

OrionEridanus

 I made an effort to reach out to men and have more male social interactions in my life starting around six or seven years ago when I noticed there were almost none! Didn't seem well rounded.  And to reach out towards other man, I developed a few modest friendships, and those would perk along a little bit for a few months or year or two and then somebody would move and that was that. 
I've had some success, but nevertheless I still do find myself seeking  out opposite sex interactions more often. 

To keep myself grounded in this regard, I also belong to a men's group that gathers a couple of times a month to talk over the things that are going on in my life. If any of you men out there are looking for a regular connection, one place to start might be investigating MKP.org. The Mankind Project  . 

 Check it out, and if you have any questions about it, feel free to message me. I have been involved in it for almost 6 years now.

jeff53

The lonely guys....

Good thread title.  I have a bit of a concern on this issue as I have noticed what seems to be a pattern.
A girl isn't interested in a lonely guy because he doesn't have friends.  This is important because she wants to see him interacting with others on different levels to get a feel for him.  In addition she wants to see a change in that he redirects his attention from his friends to her.  this is like a goal in which subconciously reaffirms the mans interest in the woman.
Without these friends these tests cannot be given and there is no validation so the woman is not interested.
I have been pretty much alone the last 5 years since my wife passed and have tried to reach out to others with minimal success both partly due to people I look for for friends and the lack of others in acceptance of a new person in the click society that the US has seemed to adopt.
I have made some strained friendships with others and even then since I am not currently in a relationship with someone this prevents me from interacting with would be friends  due to the "third wheel" syndrome.
So it is kind of like trying to get a job right out of school.  You want to get a job, but they want experience, but you can't get experience unless you get the job.
It seems to me that in the 20 years that I was married a lot of social interaction rules have changed and even become non-existant due to many reasons.
quite frankly I am a bit disappointed and being able to anticipate peoples reactions/interactions based on my education and understanding of body language have even got me pre-estimating friendship compatabilities which in turn makes it nearly impossible, with the exception of a few special people, to become friends with people that I know.  Another reason for my social experiment with this website.  My primary philosophy in life: hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst - still holds true in any case.

Let me be clear I am not against women or here to bash women.  But perhaps somewhere along the way we men have given women some kind of role/position in our lives that shouldn't be filled by them.

Supposed there's a statistic out there that says that 50% of American men over 22 can't name a best friend.  Not an exact quote but I know it's close.  This is very sad and I know I fall into that category.

@Brandi  I live in one of the most population dense states and live in a very popular dense area near Philadelphia.  Sure it's no Southern California but there is still a lot of people out there.

@Orion  That sounds familiar.  I listen, well most of the time, to several podcasts for men.  One particular podcast interview featured a guy named Stephen Mansfield.  His book is Building Your Band of Brothers.  He is religious and I've yet to read the actual book, but what he talked about rang a bell.  It so happens he's done a few more interviews on some of the other podcasts I listen to.  I suppose that is where all this started.  I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

@Jeff  Sorry for your loss.

This is shorter than I would like but thanks for everyone's responses.

Good thread.  To be honest, anything I've ever posted on Craiglist in the personals section looking for a cuddle buddy has only generated a spam folder full of sex bots and porn sites or hookers.  Oh, and 1 girl from China who wanted to marry me for citizenship.  We didn't get married but are actually really great friends now (she's back in China unfortunately, but talked earlier tonight).  My life... but anyway, where do you post your ad to get real people to respond?  I've even looked on Fetlife but nobody replies there either, it seems, for just straight up platonic cuddles.  

Good idea about including guys if you're looking for someone to hang out with and hike or whatnot.  I hope you find a friend!

Don't even get me started on Fetlife. lol

@Cuddledingo  I have posted for a cuddle buddy.  Twice as a paid gig and once in the platonic section.  The first gig I did find someone and we ended up dating for a bit.  The second time I got a couple of responses but they all flaked at some point.  The plantonic was a dead fish.  Honestly, I've met some interesting women(in a good way), but they were so far out there or so emotionally messed up it was impossible to have any kind of normal relationship with them be it friends or otherwise.  I  am altogether done with meeting women on craigslist for any reason other than commerce.
,
I find the problem with a lot of men's groups are that they are religious.  I did check out The Mankind Project.  I'm not sure if that was the same thing I saw a few years back or not.  I'll shoot you a message here shortly but feel free to share your experience and what we can expect.

I don't know about you guys, I also find that I get stuck in that "friend zone".  I'm starting to think it's because I make friends with women in the first place.  I don't think being friends has anything to do with friendship as much as it does just taking it slower and not jumping the boat to romance.  But at the same time, not really trying to develop a what would be considered a regular friendship.  Maybe some woman reading this thread could add some input on that.

Tomorrow I'll be meeting up for a few beers with one of the guys who has contacted me.  Is that a bro date?  I don't know.  I actually took down my ad because I didn't want to juggle too many people at once.  At this point in the stage, I will say there seems to be a lot of guys that lack friendships out there.  If you post an ad obviously your success will vary depending on population and demographics.  I have to say regardless, you are not alone.

@Jeff, thanks again for your input and insights.

If anybody has any more resources please list them.  If you are interested in men's podcasts, I can list them if you'd like or you can shoot me a message.

jeff53

@NjCuddleDevil - The quote seems to wring a bell.  "...over 22..."  That being said I would have to point out that as men get older their lives change due to career, marital status, and even just trying to get into new activities.
I know that other things in life can have impacts as well.
I would have to say that marriage has a really big impact as most of the friendships I had before marriage ended a few months after marriage mainly due to them still being single and me being married.  Some new friendships occurred in circles of married couples, but those don't really stand the test of time if something negative happens with your family.  My wife and I actually lost most of our friends when my wife became disabled a few years after we were married.
Now I think that as my career in a state of change - that is one reason why I haven't really tried to establish any long term friendships with guys.
In addition I would point out that how you were treated by your piers when you were in school also can have an impact on how you interact with others.  As I was usually in more positive platonic relationships with women as I was growing up than with men I tended to have more friendships with women than men.  make sense?

On the issue of mens groups being mostly religious I would have to agree.  Otherwise the other ones are generally groups for AA, greiving, or the like.  Haven't come across any groups near me yet of guys that are just a bunch of guys hanging out that do not require a sports or car learning curve. lol.  Next stop is REI I guess?

OrionEridanus

@NJCuddleDevil @Jeff53 @PatchworkMan @greenearth

mkp is definitely not religious. It does co-opt some imagery and symbolism from a few spiritual traditions (Native American, jungian archetypes in particular).  I identify as Christian, and I have seen How for some people in mkp it fills some of the same needs as a religion, but treating it this way is not necessary. I encourage any man who feels they do not have enough male interaction in their lives to check it out. Mkp.org

Update:  My Wed schedule appointment canceled but I did hang out with a different guy yesterday.  It was great.  It was very refreshing to go out and not worry about all the things you have to worry about when meeting a woman.  I think this has been a great direction to go in.

I recommend The Way of Men by Jack Donovan.  I had read this book maybe a year ago.  And I guess that was the subconscious start of this journey.  I certainly didn't agree with everything in the book.  But it was a great read and it did spark a fire in me.

@OrionEridanus  My experience on the MKP website was like watching an info commercial. I had to give them an email just so they could send me a link back to the site where the nearest group was.  Once there I spent a ton of time trying to find information about the group.  I was again prompted to send another email which an error message came up after I tried to send it and I had given up at that point.  As an organization that is non-profit, they sure love to try to sell you the
conferences.  Every other thing you read on there leads to them telling you to sign up for their program.  I wouldn't be surprised if the president of this organization is pulling in a cool 500K a year.  I'm sure the people who aren't getting paid to run this are genuine but I'm well aware of the shady side of non-profits.  The site is set up to sell their program more than it is to offer any kind of advice or help.  Once again, extremely difficult to even find information to join a local group.  Maybe it was just me though???  Anybody else been on there?  Or tried to join a group?

docgatorb

You make it sound like Trump University.

Same here, lol. It certainly does not help that my good looking Facebook friends post happy pictures and posts about their wonderful relationships ): 

@Docgatorb  Sorry, I don't mean it's that bad.  I read up on a lot of stuff.  When everyone else is watching TWD, I'm listening to the interworkings of government, business, etc.  I understand the retreats are the bread and butter of the organization but it's hard to find anything on the site that isn't related to signing up for it.  There are plenty of for-profits that offer information in a more straightforward manner than this place.  I'm sure the groups are a lot better but good luck joining one. I keep getting an error message on the site when trying to contact them.  I have wrote directly to the address provided by that same group page and have yet to hear back.

There are a lot of bitter and angry guys on here.  And all over to be perfectly honest.  And I get that way too.  I just don't express it here.  I realize I'm trying to make myself the damsel in distress.  Waiting for some girl to come rescue me from this lonely torment.  And well, I really don't want to be a lady for one.  And two, if you are pissed off at women, then stop chasing them.  Only other guys are going to understand what you are going through.  Find some men who share your interests.

It doesn't mean I don't long for a girl in my life.  But it also means I don't have to depend on them for support either.  Now they become something that I can have fun with.  And if they piss me off, I can say goodbye.  Because I still have my guy friends that have my back, that support me.  It's taken me 15 years to finally realize this.

docgatorb

@NjCuddleDevil: After visiting the MKP site, I turned away from it as a service that is trying to cram years of growing up into one weekend. Since I already spent those years, I have respectfully turn away. I am downloading The Way of men and thank you for the reference.

im800mhz

@Cuddlebandit I hear you, social media can be a downer when you are feeling in that "alone zone", scrolling images and videos of seemingly "happy" couples. But remember too, that not all that glitters is gold. What on it's surface may appear to be pure bliss, many of my friends who are married/engaged/dating are more miserable than I could ever be. Having come out of a failed relationship attempt that almost caused me to have a complete breakdown. I felt one way, she clearly had me in the "friend zone". When I put all my feelings out on the table, it was "crash and burn" with a pain like I have never felt. She did nothing wrong. I don't feel I did. Just wasn't meant to be.

What it did teach me is to take this time to find what it is in me that is missing, and give it to myself. Cuddling seems like a great way to get the emotional needs met without all the drama, overtones and "extra" that encompass traditional dating/courtship. When the RIGHT one is there, I will know it. There won't be any doubt. Social media IMO, is nothing but a pretentious front anyway. People only post what they want you to see. To quote a line from that Robin Williams film "One Hour Photo":

People don't take pictures of things they want to forget.

That being said, don't allow yourself to feel bad for folks. Those who are genuinely happy, be happy for them. Yours and mine will come one day soon. I truly believe that.

OrionEridanus

@Docgatorb @njcuddledevil

I do not know much about the finances of the organization. I had had it recommended to me as something to check out by one man and one woman in my life complete independently over 6 years ago. I figured I would try it out, and yes, I paid for the initiation weekend in 2011.…. Since then I have not given them a dime, nor have I felt pressure to do so. There is an occasional email solicitation to "join" the National org, which I have not done but  I still get listed on the directory website and have access to search  the  directory  of men's groups. I do not know what the membership gives me.  My point I, they are not a hard selling organization in my experience. 

I meet twice a month with a group of men using the framework mkp laid out and it is good sharing time for us. 

I have put in a small amount of time for it, mostly in the form  talking to other men who learn about our group in one way or another (half the time it is owed of mouth vs. the organization) to give them information on when and where we meet and following up once or twice if they stop coming.

I never really experienced the website except to find out how to register because I had pretty much decided to check it out before I ever visited it. I am sorry the site has an experience that makes the organization look sleazy. All I can share I my experience.

One book that was reinforcing to me, but was mostly an echo of work I had already done on condependence and what I learned in mkp is called "No More Mr Nice Guy." It is good.

There is a good website with helpful articles on masculinity and a Facebook discussion group called The Good Men project you might like. https://goodmenproject.com/about/

@im800mhz Beautiful. Thanks for that post! That is on of my favorite and sad movies, "One Hour Photo."

@CuddleBandit  It's easy to see the beautiful house someone lives in, the nice car they drive, or the hot wife they have.  However, you don't know their backstory.  Sure, they could have come from a rich family, been given all the advantages of the world.  They also could have been someone born in a single family home living on welfare.  As Im800mhz said, Facebook is like that.  We only see the success and happiness.  We don't see the bad times or the struggles it takes to get those things.  It's an incomplete story.  If Facebook bothers you that much, don't go on it all the time.  Why do something that makes you feel bad?  Why not wake up every morning and smash your toe with a hammer.  Sometimes when I need a boost, I go to youtube and listen to the many inspirational videos out there.  Find something that inspires you and moves you.  And keep that handy for the next time you need it.  Feng Shui your life.  Surround yourself with the things that make you happy.  That doesn't mean life is easy, that you don't have to work for the things you want, but it means getting rid of anything negative hat is not productive towards your goals.

im800mhz

@NJCuddleDevil hit the nail center on the head. Negativity is what will KILL any chance of a decent relationship. It doesn't mean "faking it to make it" but I can tell you from a recent experience that walking around feeling sorry for oneself isn't going to attract anyone worth having around. Sure, we hurt when we are alone, we hurt even more when we lose someone or as in my case, you put your heart into something and want it so bad, the self-sabotage kicks in and you get exactly what you don't want to happen: crash and burn.

Staying positive is the key. Not always easy, but everything NJCuddleDevli said is a great start. Attitude determines one's altitude. I am glad to say I met someone right on here, a professional in my area, who has been understanding and supportive. She also got me to see the light on this and I had a "I get it" moment. There is no turning back now. From this point forward, only plus signs. If something or someone doesn't want to be around you, that is their loss. Move on. As was mentioned, finding something to keep you centered and from falling down into an emotional hole is paramount to happiness. My recent failure at a relationship had me dangerously close to serious depression. I made the choice to take the tough road and battle it. I am winning. Not quite there, but I took the exit off the misery freeway and am on another route towards peace.

Another great book is Failing Forward by John C. Maxwell. It also helped me put into perspective that failing is not a bad thing. It also goes without saying that who you surround yourself with really has an effect on your perspective. I had to stop communicating with a couple of people (don't really consider them close friends just acquaintances) because they are constantly negative, unhappy, and always faulting others for their lack of happiness.

We all control our destiny. If we think we can't, then we won't. We cannot change the way we are made, but we can change the way we look at situations that life hands us.

This guy has over 1000 Facebook friends and can get hundreds of likes at any given post. Beautiful girlfriend and interesting trips. Most of the time I feel like ignoring his posts, but I still like his posts to show that I'm happy for him. 

snuggle554321

 One thing that I found a few years back that's been really helpful to me was Meetup groups. They have meet up groups of every kind all over the place. They even have types of meet up groups in other countries. They're not called Meetup but something else.  There's even an app. Seriously, there's meet up groups for everything!  You guys should really check it out!  It's pretty awesome!  I hope this helps.  

OrionEridanus

Meetup is great for finding people with common interests, like hiking or unicycling or knitting or acrobatics or live music or dining groups etc. then there are social and singles groups which are kind of meat markety, but like anything you can choose how to interact with it.

I agree with @snuggle554321 - Meetup is worth checking out. 

They're free and have a vast variety of groups. 

Chef recommends!

I use Meetup too.  It can be hit or miss though.  Some groups rarely meet, some have membership fees, and location is the biggest issue.  But it is worth checking out.  Most of them are free, and as other have said, there's one for just about everything you can think of.  If you got the space and time, you could start a cuddle group of your own.

Volunteer Match would be another great place too.  Not only will you have the opportunity to meet new people who share your interests, you'll be helping your community.

^^ Sorry about that man. @loveholdingyou You're a good looking young man. I can't see why they ignored you. Their loss. 

I_am_Polylover

I don't thinkthink looks should matter, but they probably do to a lot of women. I know age matters to at least some women because I was told that I am too old by one of the two women with enough consideration to reply.