Are you monogamous? Why or why not?
I am currently in a monogamous relationship, but we are beginning to discuss polyamory, because I have tried it in the past, loved it, and feel it makes the most sense. What turned me from an extremely conservative, monogamous upbringing, was hearing people talk about how it isn't healthy or likely to succeed, to place the pressure of your happiness all on one person...to expect them to match you in every way, share every interest, kink, etc. That made perfect sense to me. Society doesn't have any trouble expecting us to share love between multiple children, two parents, four grandparents, etc. I think romantic relationships can be the same. Sharing love doesn't have to take away from one person. In my experience, love expands. 😊
~ Sunset Snuggles
P.S. I think you may find that a lot of people here are single, just a head's up. Maybe they will still chime in.
Society doesn't have any trouble expecting us to share love between multiple children, two parents, four grandparents, etc. I think romantic relationships can be the same. Sharing love doesn't have to take away from one person. In my experience, love expands.
Likely the best reasoning I have heard about this topic. Great thoughts.
place the pressure of your happiness all on one person
This is how I always felt. I think if people can spread their baggage out across a wider surface, its easier to unpack. Trying to do that when all the bags are stacked ontop of each other in a single column, just doesn't work well and seems would take way longer.
Based on my life experiences I’d have to agree with @SunsetSnuggles . I don’t think monogamy really works anymore or ever worked. I feel if it did people wouldn’t stray. I’m in a monogamous relationship but because I am I see it’s faults. If I am in any way not giving my significant other what she rightly deserves why should I deprive her of that? As long as she’s honest and let’s me know. What I’m not ok with is any lying or sneaking around, I mean we’re adults. Anywho, that’s my take.
I've never been in a serious romantic relationship, I'm not sure I want to "inflict" myself on to someone else, ha.
I've got a fairly good direction in my life right now, so I don't feel an imperative to change course by socially merging with another.
But you never know. I certainly listen to my body, mind and heart.
I got so lucky with my partner, we're polyamorous and I can't imagine having it otherwise. It's such an important thing for the two of us, and it was only extreme chance that led us to even consider and pursue the ideal. I can't say we even romantically invest in anyone other than each other, but the most important part to me about it isn't so much that we CAN have more partners, but that I just... never have to worry about it!
I don't have to feel internally conflicted if I find someone attractive, kind, etc. I don't have to even think about thoughts like "Why is my partner hanging out with "X" person all the time?" that plague so many relationships. I don't have to feel guilty about wanting things like that either! It's such a weight off both of our shoulders, to have the room to allow these things to happen, even if we aren't actively pursuing them.
Don't get me wrong when I say this next bit, but I really really wish western society (and most other societies) didn't demonize multi-person relationships for so long. I can think of several relationships that I know where both parties are just constantly plagued with suspicion and guilt regarding thoughts of others with both them and their partner. Many people don't even realize it's an option it's brought up so little, and even when they DO hear about polyamorism, they think that it means you HAVE to have multiple ROMANTIC relationships, instead of just letting your relationships with others fall into more natural and comfortable places.
Side note, my partner and I actually both signed up as cuddlers on here together
@TheRah Welcome to the site and thank you for an interesting thought provoking topic. I am curious though.... What is YOUR opinion??
This is so interesting!! I know this isn't a dating site but it even comes up in the platonic cuddle world.... When people feel uncomfortable that you are snuggling so many people.
I started a thread awhile back about this article and it was sort of about the idea that TRADITIONAL love might be unsustainable. The Disney idea.... omgosh.... How many people actually have created that and sustained it in a real authentic way? EVER? Throughout the course of history??
EDIT.... I just had a thought about the idea of "PLACING OUR HAPPINESS ON JUST ONE PERSON" It seems like we can't leave our happiness up to anyone but ourselves. In my opinion, if we can't be happy without someone then it is very unlikely we will be able to be happy WITH someone.
https://www.cuddlecomfort.com/forum/discussion/comment/71542#Comment_71542
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2019/09/love-is-unsustainable-we-change-we-lie-we-age-we-die-galina-singer/
Along the lines of societal expectations and rules about relationships, (I grew up with hetero Monogamy being the only "acceptable" form of relationship) someone said its like the enjoyment of food. Some people LOVE having exactly the same thing everyday in their palette and other people have a HUGE desire for variety. What is it that makes traditional "Coupling" the only RIGHT way to do things. @IsMeArrggh I am so so so clapping for your statement about lets quit the lying and sneaking around. THAT to me is the problem of most relationships and connections no matter your proclivity towards a singular life partner or S.O. or a wider variety of connections.
It feels like trying to say "there is only one right way" has been our problem all along.
I also heard this super cool podcast that goes along the lines of what @SunsetSnuggles mentioned. WE already share our love with LOTS of people in our world. Maybe there were other reasons besides religion that helped morph our opinions about relationships.
https://isgradresearchcluster.files.wordpress.com/2018/08/tallbear-making-love-and-relations-beyond-settler-sex-and-family.pdf
Any discussion of monogamy must start with an understanding of our genetic nature. All primates with the (questionable) exception of humans are genetically predisposed to be polygamous. Is it reasonable to believe that our genes have changed that much? Considering that our genome is 96% identical to that of chimps, it not s reasonable to believe that we too are so predisposed.
In most of the world, social norms dictate that we defy our genetic nature, and remain monogamous. Is it any wonder that so many fail to maintain a monogamous relationship?
Monogamy, if you ask me, was very likely a social construct invented for making it clear who the rightful heirs to property and throne are.
But heck if I know. My ADD brain can barely keep one birthday and one anniversary date straight. If I had to keep track of any more than that, all I can imagine is certain doom. LOL.
I have only been in monogamous relationships in my past, but always wanted to explore polyamory. It just seems harder for me to meet someone who actually would agree to it with me. That being said, I'm perfectly fine being single right now and am enjoying it at the moment.
I think that it’s great that people are nowadays able to explore different relationship structures and aren’t bound by blanket rules about what a relationship must look like.
That said, in my experience and observation, nonmonogamy seems to work out pretty poorly for a lot of people. Turns out all those jealousies and worries are a lot more deeply embedded than people sometimes think.
@CuddleWho Yep. But more power to the ones that can make it work. They are a minority tho.
@CuddlesByDeep You are so funny and in your last post remind me of me. LOL. I continue to enjoy your posts.
@entwine posted: "Likely the best reasoning I have heard about this topic. Great thoughts." Oh my gosh, thank you so much! I was nervous to be the first to post in this thread, knowing it's a touchy subject and can easily go south. You posted: "I think if people can spread their baggage out across a wider surface, its easier to unpack." Yes, same concept as having a support system and not just one friend who you bring all your problems to.
@IsMeArrggh posted: "Based on my life experiences I’d have to agree with @SunsetSnuggles" Happy to hear that! You posted: "if it did people wouldn’t stray" I have wondered about this, as well. Wouldn't it make sense that it's due to struggling against our natural instincts? You posted: "If I am in any way not giving my significant other what she rightly deserves why should I deprive her of that?" Exactly, and sooo lovely to hear it from that perspective, rather than, "What I deserve!" I think everyone wants to see their significant other happy, but when it comes to finding love or attraction elsewhere, we stop thinking about their happiness and instead focus on social expectations and allowing jealousy to rule us. (I feel jealousy myself, but that doesn't mean it should direct our actions.) You posted: "What I’m not ok with is any lying or sneaking around" Exactly. Cheating is totally not okay and terrifying to me. What appeals so much about polyamory is the honesty. As @Blanket_Man also mentioned about his partner, even though my boyfriend is not poly, he and I can be out together and say, "I find that girl attractive", and it doesn't offend the other. I think that's a beautiful thing. In my opinion, the bottom line is that we will find that person attractive regardless...so being honest about it is the best and most healthy course.
@sillysassy posted: "The Disney idea.... omgosh.... How many people actually have created that and sustained it in a real authentic way?" Very few, in my world. All the Christian couples I grew up with...divorced. All the kids I grew up with...now have kids outside of wedlock. All my co-workers from various jobs? Unhappily married, or divorced, for the vast majority. This, along with my own parents' marital breakdown, is why I cannot believe in marriage. I've seen it fail, over and over and over and over. The few couples I know who are still together, are typically unhappy, or staying together for financial reasons, fear of starting over, or "for the kids".
@CuddleWho posted: "Turns out all those jealousies and worries are a lot more deeply embedded than people sometimes think." Definitely agree, jealousy and the balancing act are some of the most difficult aspects of polyamory. But more difficult than trying to stay happy with one person as you both change through the decades? Ehhh. I think any form of relationship is fraught with difficulty.
@TheRah Love this topic.
Monogamy is having one spouse while polygamy is having more than one spouse. Monopolygamy is marrying that monopoly guy.
I love monogamy when I'm really into someone and it just kind of becomes my default. I've done the open stuff in a previous relationship, neither of us enjoyed it, and returned to monogamy for our last two years together. Now we're just best friends, and better that way.
I'm currently kinda doing the open stuff again now that I'm back home, loving my day career (for now), and have been fairly happy with just going with the flow. I guess I'm seeing someone whom I really, really enjoy, but not sure if it's exclusive yet or not. He has hinted, but I'm not ready to ask. Lol.
That said, he had been seeing others in our earlier time together which I didn't mind. I'm getting smitten and he has also mentioned recently that he'd like "to not see other people, it feels dirty now". So??? Uhh??? (FYI, I stopped actively seeking other people out but I haven't really talked about this so obviously).
I don't think I'm poly or anything, but if I care about my partner, and they are curious to seek elsewhere, we need to explore and communicate about that.
If you look into the poly community, fetish community or other alternative lifestyles in your area, you will often find the very same people that are in the cuddle community. There is a lot of overlap because all these lifestyles rely on the same kind of radical open mindedness that is still rare in society. It’s just what happens to Dungeons & Dragons nerds when they grow up. The popular kids are now living a very traditional lifestyle and not having nearly as much fun. Revenge of the Nerds.
As an aro ace, I tend to see all relationships as pretty much poly.
You relate to your doctor as a patient who expects the doctor to have multiple patients, to your friend as a friend who expects their friend to have other friends—heck, even your relationship with your family doesn't require them to have no family but you.
I'm super introverted, mind, so one life partner is enough for me: but heck if I'm gonna cut the love of my life off from all other connections just because I'm not interested.
Freudenfreude is a thing.
Yep, I’ve touched on it a few times in the past! Cuddling and sex (or even sexual kink) do not need to be linked together a la Venn diagram like society has taught. Many people fond of platonic touch are still leading very creative and often wild sex lives. Or just enjoying alternative lifestyles in general. We have many members here too who are in open marriages or poly. I’d assume a large portion are in alternative communities as well whether kink related or other.
But they do not bring those activities here, that is a marker of a great platonic cuddler who is into that stuff.
I wouldn’t doubt that a good portion of my most respectful clients have dabbled at some time or another in one of these communities.
I dunno about D&D, but I was a Neopets and RuneScape nerd. Still am a RuneScape nerd! Just realized my love of cuddling stems to the same feeling I get from Neopets — enjoying childhood comfort. Y’all D&D folks just love to use your imaginations. 😁 No wonder the mind is open!
Monogamy works well for me. As @CuddlesByDeep said I have horrible ADHD and barely know what day it is and am overwhelmed constantly and can barely keep track of what I am doing. I have a lot of social anxiety and also tend to be insecure and jealous. I need to know that I am #1 in my person’s eyes and that they will never leave me and I also need someone to take care of me and put up with me. I would fail miserably at polyamory.
Non monogamy only really works so long as you arent doing it because you are lacking something significant in your relationship, and now are relying on others to make up for it . It is one thing if you are wanting to enhance something in your current relationship, but dont expect it to fix something that is broken . You are better off cutting things off and moving on with someone else.
@pmvines Totally agree.
@pmvines: Hmm. I think it depends.
For instance, if I have a friend who I can play video games with but can't talk to about books (a significant thing for me), I don't figure I've got to stop being friends with him just because he's not giving me everything I need.
I can make up for the lack by having another friend who does talk about books, yeah?
Something broken, I figure, would be if one of my friends regularly swore at me and/or called me nasty names: in which case he's obviously not my friend and it's time to move on.
Nothing to do with whether he's my only friend or not.
@DaringSprinter I'm assuming that they are referring to romantic relationships, not platonic. It's one thing to have multiple friends for multiple things, which would also work in romantic polyamory, hence the enhancement of something. I think often people come to being in open relationships as a last resort , and that is when your relationship is not necessarily well and you are looking to other partners to fix it, or hope that you can be happy enough to stay afloat with your primary partner. That is not something bound to work to well . Ive been involved in poly relationships and have seen ones that really work well. Hell one of my exes was living with her husband and husband's girlfriend. They both ended up dumping him though. Their poly relationship started because they were bored with each other and needed other people to be around as buffers because they didn't really want to be around each other anymore. They certainly should have just cut ties before getting other people involved and making it worse on each other .
@pmvines: Isn't that tendency to see polyamory as a last resort what causes the problem?
Say everyone was expected to have only one (1) friend, who would be friends with only them—best friends, friend pairs, no friend groups, only one person to chat with at the bar, watch the game with, all that platonic friendship stuff.
Isn't that what causes the problem? Not the nature of the relationship (romantic / platonic), but the expectation of limitation?
"Having more than one friend only really works so long as you aren't making more friends because you are lacking something significant in your first friendship, and now are relying on others to make up for it," someone could say in a world like that. "It is one thing if you are wanting to enhance something in your current friendship, but don't expect it to fix something that is broken."
Well, no!
Obviously getting a second friend isn't going to fix anything that's broken in your relationship with your first friend! Do people actually think like that?
...I guess they might. But how strange, if they do.
@pmvines I don’t completely agree with that. If a relationship is truly broken, sure non monogamy isn’t going to fix it. But often relationships are stressed because at least one cannot meet all of the needs of the other. In such cases, the unmet need can lead to growing resentment, bitterness and lashing out which cascades into an overall bad relationship. In some of these cases, opening up a relationship allows for that need to be met and the release of the tension which can lead to a much better relationship. In my experience this is actually the most common type of success story in open/poly relationships.
In fact, you can replace non monogamy with cuddling and the same thing is true.
I kept reading this as mahogany. 🤷♂️
I just started dating someone recently and will be monogamous if we get to that point..and have always been monogamous. I'd definitely be open to poly as I've been more intrigued over the years.
@DaringSprinter I believe you're saying that regardless of the number of partners one has, they should only be in healthy relationships. Alas, many people stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships. I don't know that those who do, who try polyamory, are actually misguided enough to think an additional partner will fix the first relationship. That would, as you are saying, be pretty ridiculous. But certainly, poly is well known to shine a light on the problems within the first relationship, when the honeymoon stage of a new relationship shows in sharp contrast.
I believe your other point was that the beauty of polyamory is that if you have an interest or kink that your first partner does not share, you can find a second partner who does share that passion, and everyone is better for it. I thoroughly agree with this. I would imagine that @pmvines does, too, though he may correct me if I'm wrong. I'd guess that when he spoke of not trying to band-aid a relationship with a second one for something "significant" that was missing, he likely meant stuff along the lines of an unhealthy void, not a kink. (Such as, I'm missing emotional support, vs. I'm missing someone to enter X fetish with.) If there are significant emotional voids or problems in any relationship, yes, run. But if it's something like a kink, polyamory can be the perfect outlet to find that unique shared passion, when it would otherwise be unlikely to find it with a viable nesting partner.
Yes, I'm up at 4:30 in the morning, dissecting this. 🥴😃
I'm not monogamous, and I think it's a direct result of my asexuality. I was always worried growing up that I'd not be able to provide everything my partner desired in a relationship, so I encouraged them to look outside of our relationship to sate those desires. Eventually, as I became more and more accustomed to sharing partners, the thought occured to me that it didn't make logical sense to have an open relationship on only one end, so I embraced polyamory and now my partners and I can all support each other effectively.
...also it makes for great travel, cause chances are good wherever I go, there's someone near to take me in for a bit.
@SunsetSnuggles: I think there's probably a spectrum from perfectly healthy to perfectly unhealthy relationships—but yeah, if a relationship is hurting you and trying to fix things is hurting you more, I figure it's probably best you don't have it.
Whether that means leaving a lover, changing bosses, or dropping a friend doesn't really enter into the question for me, nor does how many lovers, bosses, or friends you have.
I'd say you've analyzed my points pretty well.
@LadyAmarynth: 🤝🏻
I'm not anything, I've been perpetually single. Hypothetically, I'll probably stick to monogamy for now since that's the societal norm. I hear more stories about how polygamy didn't work then stories about it working great. Makes me think that humans were meant to be serial monogamists, if we are hardwired to be something, seems like there are some nuances to this, I'll have to see what everyone else wrote.