Cuddling In Spite of Self Worth Issues

MikeinDavis

A lot is folks have trouble feeling deserving of compassion and love. The kind of severe self-worth issues that usually comes from childhood "stuff".

How do folks like us do this whole cuddling thing? Cuddling is such an intimate act and even hiring a pro seems like a big ask to me. Heck, I don't even ask for help in Lowe's or the grocery. 😉😂 Even asking for help in this forum is uncomfortable to me.

Before some of you say "Oh, c'mon, just try it!?! 🙄 What's the worst that can happen???"... People say the same thing about job interviews and dating. 😂 And nothing reinforces one's negative self-image more than a bad date or a bad interview, right?

I may regret putting this out there, but I'm hoping someone with similar issues might have had success with cuddling. It's such a nice concept, but I can't seem to operationalize it for myself. I've been on here for years and never tried it. But I do find it immensely comforting to know it's a possibility. That possibility alone has been very helpful to me. 😊

Minestrone101

Find a local pro with good karma...actually read the karma and summary...that way you might find a pro to help talk you through the process within your comfort zone.

thatsteveguy

Just gotta get up and go for it man. Although I'm on here for different reasons (mainly tired of relationships and their drama for right now) but i do remember being young and not good at talking to women. Eventually you get to the point where you stop caring what anyone thinks...and you realize its not really that big of a deal in the first place. Don't be afraid to cuddle, don't be afraid if you pop a boner, just don't even think about it just do it and you'll be fine

DaringSprinter

Hmm. Would it help to try and do it for the other person, rather than yourself?

They want a hug—you give them a hug. Looked at that way, it's not about what you deserve, but what they deserve. They deserve a cuddle. And you're there for that... if they want.

Maybe focusing on the other cuddler like that would help.

CuddleDuncan

Well done, @MikeinDavis. Very good post. Excellent point, nicely written. And that's hard to do when you are saying something so exposing.

I have similar problems in asking for help, so I completely understand what you are saying. (They didn't apply to cudding, fortunately: when I encountered professional cuddling I couldn't book my first session quickly enough.) That nice feeling of knowing that something is "there" can be very powerful and it's not well understood by the general population.

The consequence of that feeling, of course, is that engaging with the thing that's creating that good feeling (in this case, cuddling) is very risky because you might lose it. So, how to mitigate the risk?

We'll get to that in a second. Firstly, remember that you are not asking for help. You are buying help. This is something you do every day already. Buying groceries is technically buying help (with getting food). Hiring a lawyer or accountant or airline pilot+plane is buying help. In the US, going to the doctor is buying help. Hiring a cuddler is different in detail because it's a unique type of service, but it's not different in principle.

I'm not a super-experienced client but I have cudded with fifteen or twenty professionals, many of them several times or more, and I can absolutely promise you that they all needed a cuddle. I don't mean with me in particular or with every single client, but in general. And nearly all of them, on some level, genuinely wanted to help other people. You're not doing a professional cuddler a favour by hiring them, but it can be much closer to that than you might expect.

Bear in mind that you have a right to attempt to hire a professional cuddler. They have a right not to accept you as a client, but by signing up to this site a professional has given you - a bona fide site member and prospective client - the right to ask.

Now, risk mitigation. I had a quick look at your area on the off-chance I knew somebody there but unsurprisingly I don't. But there is a healthy supply of professional cuddlers and quite few of them have some good karma. I'll try and dig out my post on choosing a professional, but focus on karma and profile text and start by choosing two or three nice people to contact.

What you are trying to do is reduce the risk of a bad first experience and set up a safety net in case you do have one, so regard this a programme, not a one-off. Set money and time budgets, whatever is appropriate for you. "I'm going to dig into the savings account and spend $600 over about six weeks investigating cuddling. After that I will have educated myself on the industry and can decide how to proceed from a position of knowledge and experience rather than my current relative ignorance."

Send a nice message to those two or three, explaining your situation and perhaps linking to this thread, and await developments. Consider making your first session a one hour coffee meeting with you hiring them as a cuddling expert to advise you on how to approach a professional cuddler, how to prepare for the session and get the most out of it, and how to behave during it. The cuddler with whom you have this session may or may not be the person you intend to book a cuddle, and I would discuss that openly with them. There is a lot to be said for keeping them as a coffee-based cuddling consultant, with no touch beyond a handshake, brief social cuddle/kiss or whatever social convention seems most appropriate.

Note that bad experiences cannot be avoided in life. If you hire 100 cuddlers you are guaranteed at least one unpleasant experience. What I can tell you, with absolute certainty, is that professional cuddlers have made profound difference to my life.

CuddleWho

And nothing reinforces one's negative self-image more than a bad date or a bad interview, right?

I mean... not really. I generally just brush off these experiences and move on.

You dismiss the "Oh, c'mon, just try it" attitude. You seem to want someone to approve of your huge insecurity and guide you through starting to cuddle... while embracing your negative self-image.

But I would really suggest you do your best to embrace the "just try it" attitude. You've been on the site for 6 years and apparently haven't cuddled anyone.

Overanalyzing is getting you nowhere, and there's no analysis anyone can give you that's going to make you feel that you suddenly have the perfect answer. Meanwhile I've had approximately a million cuddles, most of which were great experiences. The only pertinent difference between me and you is that I don't care what some random woman I just met off the Internet thinks of me.

thatsteveguy

What you really need to do is stop caring what anyone thinks, it should have came naturally by now at your age. Just put your mind to it and stick your head up real high every day you walk out the door. Go on youtube and start watching some andrew tate material, that will really open up your head.

It took me until I was about 19 to quit caring what anyone thought, but especially once i started making a ton of money that REALLY set in. If you are working in IT you probably make really good money.

cde123

People who cuddle with a total lack of empathy for their partner should be cuddling with pros who are only in it for the money. There are plenty of both.

FitSmartCuddler

"Before some of you say "Oh, c'mon, just try it!?! 🙄 What's the worst that can happen???"... People say the same thing about job interviews and dating. 😂 And nothing reinforces one's negative self-image more than a bad date or a bad interview, right?"

They're different. On a job interview or date, you can be accepted or rejected based on personal attributes--intelligence, personality, track record, "vibe." You also might be judged on things you can't totally control like looks and age (yes, even in a job interview).

I don't do professional cuddling, but I would imagine that one of the things you should be getting for your money is the absence of rejection. In other words, whether they honestly think it or feel it or not, they should be acting in such a way as to make you feel like a million bucks--both through the physical (cuddling) part and the verbal and "demeanor" part. That's assuming a "high quality pro"--I'm sure there are mediocre pros, just like in other domains. Your biggest challenge, as I see it, is to maximize the chance that you'll wind up with a "high quality pro." Others have already given good suggestions on this point.

MikeinDavis

Fun fact: There is no way to delete a post (only edit it within 24 hours). Good to know!!! 🤔😂

Thanks for the helpful feedback (especially @CuddleDuncan). Very much appreciated. Especially liked the analogy to hiring a plumber, doctor, lawyer, etc.

For the less helpful feedback: Some of us cope by not caring what anyone thinks of us. Others are so attuned to what others think/feel (often a childhood survival mechanism) that we can't easily turn it off.

Honestly, I was tempted to delete my original text and hope the mods nuked the post. I'm NOT person who asks for help/advice easily. But I think, for every "Cowboy TF up, dude" response, maybe there's someone else who struggles with this issue and is too shy to ask for help. We're all broken in different ways and doing our best with the broken pieces.

So I'm gonna leave this up unless it goes too far off the rails (in which case maybe I'll try self-reporting it to the mods).

CuddleWho

@cde123

People who cuddle with a total lack of empathy for their partner

Not one word by anyone in this thread suggested a lack of empathy.

davedaviscfo

Mike, the answer to your question is to break up your goal into parts and degrees. Example: I want to start as a nobody, and end up as professional escort/Cuddlist for women sex workers. It’s impossible to do all at once. So I’m starting as a volunteer escort/Cuddlist to gay men, and going from there.

In your case, your first step is to dial the intimacy down to wherever you’re at. If that looks like getting together with someone, sitting at opposite ends of a couch and reading a book together, then start there. I promise you, if you did that it would go well and your next step would reveal itself at the end. Read my profile, hit me up and we’ll do a virtual thing. I promise you, by the end, you’ll have the courage to ask about booking a second session. And that will be progress. (Free, of course.)

Dang! Steve and Cuddlewho, y’all are not coming across as very cuddly. You might as well have said “start having a positive self image, instead.” That would have been just as insightful and more succinct. You probably can’t imagine the “childhood stuff” that causes the kind of self worth issues that OP is talking about as clearly as you could, for instance, a soldier with PTSD expressing anxiety about going to a fireworks show. Or would you give the soldier the same advice that you gave OP?

CuddleWho

Some of us cope by not caring what anyone thinks of us.

I don't cope by not caring what strangers think -- I don't care what strangers think for the same reason I don't care what you had for breakfast last year on this date. It's just an extraneous concern that could only weigh me down. And I do care how some people feel about me... but not strangers, and I keep it in perspective.

For the less helpful feedback: < .... > Others are so attuned to what others think/feel (often a childhood survival mechanism) that we can't easily turn it off.

I do actually understand this. But I'm saying that you need to get it figured out. I had this problem many years ago -- maybe not to the same degree you do, but it was definitely there.

KamikaziNinja86

I am someone who is totally shy around women when it comes to anything dating related. I try not to care what others think but some always slips in. But one thing I have come to realize and have been using cuddling for is practice conversing with women where there is no pressure for anything romantic in hopes of getting better being able to do better on the dating side of things. That and potentially making friends as well. I have cuddled with some amazing cuddlers and hope that when I don't need this site anymore I can remain in contact with some.

When I started cuddling I was terrified of meeting new people, especially to do something as intimate as cuddling. But I needed that human connection so bad I just dove in and it's been the best thing that's happened.

quixotic_life

@MikeinDavis ~ I sent you a PM.

though after reading the bulk of these comments think maybe I should have just posted it here after all.

For those of you who posted with some empathy, such as @davedaviscfo, Good on ya!! 🤗

ShaneSchrute

@MikeinDavis thank you for your genuine vulnerability. It’s a braver act than you probably give yourself credit for.

I totally relate to feeling risk averse. But you could be leaving joy and happiness on the table.