How many other cuddle enthusiasts are asexual or somewhere on that spectrum?

StructuredQueryLanguage

I've never really had a desire for sex before, and I've always preferred the human body clothed instead of naked, aesthetically and considering intimacy and closeness. I've always loved cuddles and hugs, though, and in general that fraternal / familial / emotional intimacy associated with warm human touch.

I definitely identify as an asexual (though not sure how I feel on the theoretically separate notion of "romance"), and I've actually had some wonderful times with a highly skilled asexual professional cuddler before, though I've never met another asexual non-professional cuddling enthusiast. I wonder how many other folks in the cuddling community consider themselves asexual and how common that is in the community in general. I also wonder if professionals keep this in mind and have different attitudes when cuddling with folks who may or may not experience any sexual attraction in general.

stormydaycuddle

I’m going to simply comment on the last bit. As a pro if the cuddle is different between people because of their sexual alignment something is wrong and the pro should consider the type of cuddles being given. Cuddles here should have nothing to do with sex.

StructuredQueryLanguage

I agree that cuddling should be neutral to sexual orientation and inclusive of everyone! All platonic in a perfect way.

Mike403

Many guys prefer to cuddle with somebody they feel physically attracted to. Meaning that many straight guys prefer to cuddle with women. Even in a platonic setting, you can't change what they're comfortable with.

There was another thread where somebody called men who only cuddle with women "homophobic". Smh

StructuredQueryLanguage

What exactly is this "physical attraction" thing? Is that just like finding someone pretty?

Mike403

Anything physical that makes them more attracted to want to cuddle with them. In this case their gender.

StructuredQueryLanguage

I feel like that notion doesn't necessarily have to be tied to any kind of "gayness" or "straightness", though it certainly could be. I think the attraction many have to female cuddlers comes more from an ingrained emotional sense of gender roles folks might have. I certainly see what you're saying, however.

stormydaycuddle

^^^^^^

wanderer36015

Interesting topic. I've cuddled a couple of times with someone who identifies as asexual. The cuddling is great and satisfying to both of us. I admit, I do not understand asexual and would love a frank discussion with him at some point to get a better understanding. Just a question (not a challenge) for Structured Query Language... You identify as asexual however you only cuddle women. Why would the gender make a difference?

CuddleDuncan

@StructuredQueryLanguage

What exactly is this "physical attraction" thing? Is that just like finding someone pretty?

No. Absolutely not. It's much more complex.

It's a feeling, in the same sense as being excited or nervous or anxious. I use those as examples because in some ways its somewhat similar to them, for me at least. The sensation is located in the front of my belly, but extending upwards and including the heart. It can also be downwards and include the sex organs.

Physical attraction is therefore an output: a response to a stimulus. That stimulus can indeed be a member of the appropriate sex in person, but it can be more subtle. For example, it's possible to get this feeling from a conversation, even on text, without seeing the person. It can even happen without a photograph.

Finding somebody pretty can be an isolated aesthetic experience. Attraction may or may not accompany that aesthetic experience. Attraction does not require a perception of prettiness or its equivalents, although obviously it's a very common association.

Attraction is a first stage, or a possible first stage, or a precursor or something, to sexual arousal.

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And as you are discovering, yes there are asexual people in this community. I have no idea if the proportion is greater or less than the general population. I would guess more, but it's only a guess.

A professional wouldn't know if a client was asexual unless it was mentioned, and therefore they would not approach the session any differently. Since cuddling is asexual anyway, it wouldn't make much or even any difference. The biggest effect in most cases would be that it would reduce the risk of inappropriate behaviour, and that may make the professional slightly more relaxed or slightly more willing to adopt certain positions, or adopt them earlier in the session/relaionship

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@wanderer36015
Cuddling isn't sex-related but it is gendered for many people, including me. I'm not cool enough to cuddle men, which is a cultural background/upbringing thing. It took me ten years or more to learn to hug men, which I now do very happily. Hugging a man and hugging a woman are chalk and cheese. It's the natural scent or pheromones or something.

PrettyLuv

I’m not asexual as my imagination and sexual drive are a little wild but I have been accused of being asexual since what attracts me to someone isn’t necessarily physical. Of course the physical comes into play but it doesn’t take precedent.

The attraction to someone’s spirit tho is a whole other experience, and a rather enduring one.

Mike403

@wanderer36015 - I don't identify as asexual. I just felt the need to add my 2 cents to this thread after reading that gender shouldn't make a difference in cuddling. As long as they aren't trying to push for more than platonic cuddling with members on this site, they should be free to have a preference and shouldn't be shamed for it.

I’m on the asexual spectrum.

Physical touch is not my #1 love language either.
Personally, fulfillment in the mental aspect is my preference.

I’ve had client sessions with fellow asexuals and they’ve mentioned that cuddling is something they do to feel “normal”

homeboy

Interesting thread. For purposes of asexual as being discussed here, maybe "gender" is one thing and "sexual" is another. So someone can be gay and asexual or straight and asexual.

StructuredQueryLanguage

@wanderer36015 I hate using such analogies, but gender might matter to an asexual in the same way a child may prefer to hug their mother over their father.

I think people have a lot of internal hang-ups about emotionally connecting with or being vulnerable "around other men", due to conditioning in how folks are raised or a deep-seated way they perceive the male form or something like that. Notice how most men have no problem cuddling with a pet or even stuffed animal, which they often think of as gender-neutral, in a pretty cute affectionate way. It is less an attraction to women in that case I think many have but more so an aversion to being emotionally-vulnerable around fellow men.

JohnR1972

I have no idea if being asexual has become more common over the past 10-20 years or if people are just talking about it more openly than in years past.
I suspect it is a combination of both but that is speculation on my part.

IF it is more common today, it corresponds with a national, decades long trend in declining testosterone levels among adolescents and young adults (AYA). Here is one of many articles on the subject and this one is from the Yale School of Medicine. https://www.urologytimes.com/view/testosterone-levels-show-steady-decrease-among-young-us-men

cde123

I was interested to learn the final A in LGBTQPIA+ is asexual, and actually including them at all under the rainbow banner is controversial to some. Apparently it's because asexual people "aren't discriminated against" by society—I guess they don't have the same victim status.

In my view though, similar family planning issues come up as LGBT people deal with, so these days I've become one of those people who goes right ahead and uses the whole initialism.

Mike403

I don't understand why any of them would be discriminated against. Nobody needs to know what you do in the bedroom behind closed doors. I'm wondering if it's mostly religious people who believes it's a sin to have a same sex partner.

StructuredQueryLanguage

@Mike403 ah, majority atheist-led countries like Communist China have a lot of lgbt discrimination actually!

Hi! Great topic! Thanks for sharing your experience and bringing awareness to asexuals and cuddling. I’m not sure how the topic veered off into homo/heterosexuality and attraction. Asexual people can still experience attraction without it being sexual. There are a variety of reasons why someone would be more attractive to cuddle with like personality, comfortability, and maybe trauma work (mother/father) wound.

I’m not an enthusiast, but I do identify on the asexual spectrum as demisexual. As a demisexual, I’m not sexually attracted to people without a secure emotional bond.

Lithellyl

I am polypanro-ace

Polyamorous panromantic very much asexual

SunsetSnuggles

I have seen quite a number of people who identify as asexual, here. I think they would be drawn here just as much as anyone else, if not more...without an active sexual relationship, the typical opportunities for cuddles wouldn't be as readily available. Lots of controversial and dangerous territory and comments on this thread, but it is an interesting read, for sure. Spread love, peeps.

~ Sunset Snuggles

I identify as asexual and aromantic! I wish more people realized that cuddling can be platonic (and doesn't always have to be sexual or romantic). I consider myself a cuddle enthusiast who wants to get platonically and emotionally closer to people by building friendships with them and then getting to the place where we have a mutual desire to cuddle because we've reached that point in our friendship. (Short version: My platonic love languages are quality time and touch.)

Navigating this platform has been hard for me because even though the point of the platform is to find people to platonically cuddle with, I noticed that people who have messaged me in the past got banned from this platform (most likely because their intentions were not platonic). As a result, I often feel as though I have to be cautious and watch out for characteristics that could remotely be seen as "red flags" even though I myself am not looking for anything sexual or romantic (provocative profile pictures, people who would be considered much older than me, people of the opposite sex who want to "meet up at their place", people who are in a relationship (especially because I wouldn't want people to think that their partners are cheating with me when that's definitely not the case), etc.).

I have also had experiences where I would start texting/talking to people in my area (through this platform), and they would ghost past a certain point. And when I did end up meeting a person in my area (back in September), it ended up not working out and I ended up getting blocked (probably either due to me being asexual or due to sharing that I did not have a car).

The point is that I consider myself a cuddle enthusiast who is asexual, and my experiences with this platform have felt difficult probably partially because of my asexuality. Sorry for the long vent, and thanks to whoever reads this response. Shout out to whoever came up with this question by the way!

SunsetSnuggles

@southparksage97 I read you. Big hugs. I resonate exactly with what you said about making friendships and then branching out to cuddling, from there. That's what I say on my profile; not that most who message me notice! And yes, cuddling can 100% be platonic. Feel free to PM, anytime.

~ Sunset Snuggles

StructuredQueryLanguage

@southparksage97 I identify also with your post!

I've definitely would prefer most of all a friendship that eventually gets close enough that cuddling can enter the picture.

PeopleRcool

I’m on the asexual spectrum! It becomes tiring being propositioned so often.

@ReneLove I'm sorry that's happened/is happening to you. 🫂

Shake

Half the reason I became interested in cuddle therapy was to recieve touch without the expectation of something more. I'm on the ace spectrum as well & have had a session with atleast one person on that spectrum whom identifies as demi(which immediately made me more comfortable with her). All snug in a couple of hoodies & mugs of hot cocoa with marshmallows in front the TV or aquarium warm fire. A cuddle doesn't need to go further than that in my book.

To callback something someone pointed out earlier, the reason we're becoming more of a topic now is a mix of things. More people are talking about it, & more people are finding out about themselves because that representation is out there. Of all places, watching the character of Todd from Bojack Horseman on Netflix is where my self reflection began. Before that understanding, it was just "huh, guess I'm just weird" lol

Somehow a show about an anthropomorphic horse made me feel a little less alone. You can't make this crap up.

Fallstreak2

Aromantic asexual here! I absolutely love physical touch. It’s frustrating how many people can only perceive physical touch in a sexual manner. I just want to completely fall into a comfortable cuddle knowing that there is absolutely no intention of anything sexual happening, but it’s been difficult to find😕

myne2

But think of the fun you have had searching

SunsetSnuggles

@Shake49 Oh my gosh that's super sweet; I love horses! 🐴🦄

@Fallstreak2 I know what you mean and I'm totally down for that kind of safe, cozy, comfortable, trusting cuddle, too.

~ Sunset Snuggles